@MaryClarck, anyone can have their own opinion, but in the real world, people care about some opinions more than others (as well they should). For instance, if you want a particular job, it’s the opinion of the hiring manager and other people involved in the hiring process that matter, not Joe on the street. There are a good number of adults here who have hired, looked for jobs, and been involved in all parts of a hiring process, so it may make sense to pay heed to what they have to say. The reality isn’t as simplistic as many people in HS assume. In the working world, while what school you go to and have a network in may matter (in some industries more than others, and the schools/majors considered elite would differ by industry), personal characteristics (drive, smarts, people skills, creativity, etc.) almost always matters more. Just to give one example, if you’re a dumb hockey player, being from HYP won’t help you (though being a hockey player with strong quant skills from HYP is a potent combination). Oh, and major/skills also could matter a lot.
"And, in part, because I know the legacy admission rates are very high in the early decision round at the Ivies my spouse and I attended for students with her academic profile. " “as far as I can tell, her scores and grades are high enough to put her solidly in the pool of admitted applicants at the very most selective schools.”
I think the issue is that you believe she is a shoe-in and she knows better. The majority of legacy students are not accepted at these schools. You say she has PSATs in the 98/99 percentile, but plenty of her competitors have 99+. You haven’t said what schools she is interested in, and I think not all those schools release legacy info, but I suspect it isn’t much different among these top schools and if you look here http://features.thecrimson.com/2014/freshman-survey/admissions/ you can see that legacy admits have higher test scores on average than other successful applicants, by about 60 points. Assuming she could replicate that on the SAT (and not all students can), SATs at the 98/99 mark–2210–are lower than average admit, much less legacies. The average legacy from the Harvard data has a 2296 which is almost at 99+. Of course admissions is hardly all about SAT scores, I am just saying all this to help you understand why your daughter may not believe that she is a shoe-in and why she may be right.
What worked for us:
1- emphasize all the things you did when your D was young- setting the table, doing her chores, calling grandma and attending family events, whatever religious observances are important to your family. Don’t send the message that because HS is so challenging she gets a pass on being a family member.
2- applaud her contributions to family life as much as her grades and other accomplishments. A parent who comes home from a long day of work to a basket of folded laundry- wow. A kid who returns the family’s stack of library books because she knew she’d be walking past the library that day- nice.
3- Make sure the only social contacts/outlets she has are NOT other HS students, similarly preoccupied with college admissions. One of mine was a receptionist at a doctors office-- learned that people in pain are usually not courteous and friendly. Good lesson. One of mine worked the late shift at a fast food outlet- his colleagues weren’t there because they CHOSE minimum wage, smelly work- they were there because without any skills or a degree, that’s the kind of job they could get. Kids who think the biggest problem in the world is choosing between Cornell and Penn lack perspective. It’s your job as a parent to GIVE her perspective by not walling her off with other 17 year olds.
4- You need to let go your belief that because her scores and grades are high enough to put her solidly into the pool of admitted applicants at the most selective schools that actually means something. A very small percentage of applicants to these schools lack the profile. The rest do- and the vast majority of them will get rejected. Don’t look at an acceptance rate of 9% and delude yourself that 91% of the other kids were below the bar (and below your D’s profile). They are not. Most of them are highly competitive. There just aren’t enough seats for all the qualified applicants.
Communicate with her. Show by example. Listen. Just don’t show her College Confidential.