Regrets over a college

Student Lounge College Life
1

Hello all,

I just have this terrible regret that I can’t seem to let go of. Lately, this regret has been gnawing on me so much…I can’t stop thinking about it. I even dreamed of it last night, and I think its even making me start to feel depressed.

I am a pre-med junior at MSU. I am doing pretty well here with a 3.7, research, tons of leadership experience etc. But lately, I’ve just been feeling incredibly sad. I’ve just been having this reoccurring thought/feeling of regret and I just feel so terrible about it. The regret is not being able to apply to my dream school UMich. Yes, that’s right…I wasn’t able to apply.

You see what happened was that I was sexually abused as a child. The problem is that when you experience such a thing as a child, its incredibly difficult to process because you have a “child’s brain.” In high school, my “child brain” of course developed into an “adult brain”…and I started to figure out “what happened to me when I was little.” My junior year of high school, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend and thats when my PTSD first came out. I would experience the same feelings of pleasure, guilt, and shame that I did when I was little and these memories started to haunt me. These memories started to haunt me during every waking day, and I started to slip in my classes that year. I was enrolled in 4AP classes that year, and I felt desperate to not let this intrusive thoughts take over my grades. A friend of mine suggested that I take Adderall. And so I did. When I would take this pill, it felt like magic! Adderall was the only thing that would help me stay present, and my mind wouldn’t drift off to such terrible places. Unfortunately, I found an “escape” in this pill and I ended up with a drug addiction to it. I confided in my high school counselor, because I really needed help. She asked me why I was taking these pills and I didn’t want to tell her the truth for legal reasons (I was 17 at the time, and I was paranoid of her telling my parents, or the cops because I wasn’t of legal age). So I told her that I was taking these pills because my 4 AP classes were too hard, and I needed to keep up with them. She was infuriated when I told her that I was taking these pills for my AP classes. She told me that I was a “cheater” and that I had “an unfair academic advantage over everyone else.” She basically described my Adderall usage throughout the year as “steroids for my brain” and she said that it was never me getting those good grades, “it was the Adderall doing it for me.” So she gave me a resource to a local therapist, and told me to really focus on “getting my shit together.” The next year, as a senior, the time came to apply for colleges. I wanted to apply to my dream school UMich. But as you know, with the UMich application there is an ENTIRE SECTION for your high school counselor to fill out about the student regarding “integrity, honesty, blah blah blah.” When I gave her the application, she said that if she signs it she has to “mention it.” “Mention what?” I asked. And she said “it.” I asked her why she would mention such a thing when it is all over (I ended up overcoming the addiction through months of therapy), and she said that she has a “moral obligation to inform colleges about a student’s character.”

So that’s it. I didn’t even apply to my dream school UMich, because I had no power or control over that situation. Initially, I was going to transfer to UMich my freshman year of college, but I ended up 4.0ing my entire semester at MSU so I figured I’d stay because they say “GPA is more important than college prestige” for med school admissions anyways. But lately, I’ve just been having this terrible regret of this whole situation, even though it was about 3 years ago!!! Ideally, I want to go to UMich Medical School (because UMich is still my dream school) but my friend told me last night that UMich prefers their own undergrads (their stats prove it) and that its really hard to get in from MSU. So I just feel so hopeless, that attending my dream school never came true, and maybe never will :frowning: How do I move past such a regret?

Oh and “Alexandre” please DO NOT comment on this post. You are probably more obsessed/clingy with UMich than I am.

2

Your counselor sounds like a nutcase.

What you need to do is walk yourself into the counseling center at MSU and get help with all of this baggage. This isn’t UMich vs. MSU. This is older, bigger, and deeper than that. You need to sort through all of your stuff so that you are ready for the next phase of your life.

3

Also, if you’re pre-med, frankly, I would advise MSU over UMich to a MI HS student. In any case, the key thing now is to work on doing the stuff you need to do to get in to med school. Grades, MCAT, but also research/ECs.

UMich also isn’t this magical place that is 100X better than anything else.

And frankly, once you’re an MD, no one will give two hoots where you went for undergrad. Most people won’t even care where you went to med school.

Finally, just because UMich favors their own undergrads doesn’t mean that they shut everyone else out. That’s silly. You have a lot of trauma to overcome, but you’re getting waaaay too emotional about this rather than dealing with your situation rationally. You know what would have happened if your counselor had recommended you for UMich and you had gotten in there? You’d be in the exact same situation you’re in now or worse. Getting in to any med school is tough for everyone (including UMich students). Getting in to any med school is an accomplishment and worthy of celebration.

4

Well, you could still apply to UMich Med school, and even be accepted there. You won’t know unless you apply.

Look forward, not back. Just do it. Don’t look back at this regret, unless it is to simply acknowledge how far you’ve come, and to remind yourself that your going to MSU and kicking ass there, was the really good thing to result from your past mistake.

Because, yes it is a very good thing. You are doing well. You are on your way to med school.

I do think UMich is this element of your past, at the time you made a significant mistake, that you are clinging to. You cannot change not applying to UMich as an undergrad - It is over and done.

But you did change, and for the better. You quit the Adderall, you did go to college, and you are getting great grades at MSU.

Focus on the good thing that you are doing at this very moment, this very good thing that will propel you into med school, and to being a successful adult.

You cannot change the past, so dwelling on it at this point, in your 3rd year, is simply counter- productive.

Finally - please do see a therapist or counselor on campus NOW. You have a lot of baggage you need to unpack and sort through, and a professional will help you focus on the appropriate stuff, and let go of what needs to be let go of. Please do this for yourself. It will help.

5

You should go to Olin Health at MSU (I live in EL). They do have caring counselors available. Life is a series of choices. When I was an adviser at Michigan State years ago, I used to talk to my students about decision making. The goal is to gather the best information available at the time, make a decision, and not look back. Let’s look at the positive…you are doing well in school. Pat yourself on the back. Not many premeds have your gpa, leadership, and research experience. If your goal is to become a doctor, work toward that end, as opposed to just where you think you will go to school. Again, visit Olin…you’ll be glad you did.

6

And it’s not as if you even made a bad choice.

As I said, I would advise a pre-med to go to MSU over UMich.

In any case, the issue here isn’t UMich. Girls who have been hurt do tend to throw themselves at something/someone. In your case, it’s this idea called “UMich”, but if you were actually at UMich, it would be something else.

So go see a counselor and heal.

7

Go get some help. Life is a series of roads not taken and the surest path to unhappiness is living it while looking in the rearview mirror. I agree this isn’t about anything else but your personal unresolved issues and learning how to manage healthier responses to life events and decisions and not being a broken record so you can be truly functional.

8

Get to a therapist to help you.

In the meantime, look on the bright side… You’ll likely have a little easier time with GPA and MSU…and you’ll likely have an easier time “shining” at MSU so that makes it easier get superior LORs.

Keep in mind that at UMich, there are probably many, many premeds that are similar or stronger than you. When it would come time to ask for LORs, a prof may have a harder time deciding to write you a strong one when he/she is also writing a bunch for other strong students. You want to stand out

9

This. (10 char)

10

Hey guys, I am doing fine at MSU. Like really fine. The GPA is good & my professors all know me, so LOR won’t be a problem.

But what keeps me upset, is just the idea of this whole thing. Despite how well I am doing at MSU, I still find myself slightly jealous of people who go to UMich undergrad or I become absolutely obsessed with trying to get into their med school (I think my resume so far at least gives me a shot). I think this is because I STILL hold this entire situation over myself.

I am pretty sure I would’ve ended up at my dream school UMich if it wasn’t for my high school counselor being so judgmental, and willing to mention the whole drug addiction/she-thinks-I-am-a-cheater-thing on a LOR. Heck, if MSU required a LOR from my high school counselor on their application too, I probably wouldn’t even be here right now.

Then sometimes I think that this whole thing is my fault, because I was the one who trusted her and confided in her that I needed help. But how was I suppose to know that she would use this against me a year later? And then other times I think its my fault for even taking the Adderall in the first place… But unfortunately that is the only way I knew how to cope with this at 17, I never told my family about the sexual abuse until I was a freshman in college.
So @PurpleTitan I think that you are right. If I went to UMich, I would be " in the exact same situation I am in now or worse." And that “if I was actually at UMich, it would be something else.”

Thank you all for commenting on this. I really do feel much better, after getting some new insights. And @happymomof1 yes my counselor was a nutcase and I will look to find a therapist to heal from all of this.

11

If wishes were fishes we’d have a good fry. Who cares? Ooops you do, your record is broken and skipping and now you are stuck. You need to learn how to have closure and let go. That is what a therapist can help with. Not just this, but things like this that will come up again.

12

It really doesn’t matter at this point. You leaned an important lesson which is don’t crap where you eat: Don’t talk to Counselors associated with your place of school/work.