Horrible Regret

Parents Forum
1

<p>Good evening parents,</p>

<p>I'm posting here because I'm plagued with a problem that I can't talk to my own parents or friends at school about, lest I be a brat or downer ;).</p>

<p>The issue: I'm a junior and have had a subpar time at college. More than subpar, really - I feel like it's been the greatest disappointment of my life. </p>

<p>Let me explain.</p>

<p>I have always loved school. History and English were my passion; the teachers were witty and challenging, and class discussion was both hilarious and eye-opening. I started to imagine a college filled with classes like those, and minus all of the stifling filler HS comes with (health, chemistry, lunch on that same old picnic bench every day, etc.). I imagined a college with tons of clubs and activities I could be a part of. It was a place where people were quirky and liked school as much as I did, a place where I could spend long nights curled up reading and long days in vigorous class discussion. </p>

<p>Naturally, I looked towards the more elite institutions (I say naturally not just because the quirky kids, strong humanities, and great discussions seemed typical of many top colleges, but also because my peers in upper-class suburbia had their eyes on the same prize).</p>

<p>I started looking early, and spent 4 years of high school dreaming about going to Brown, or maybe University of Chicago, etc. I put up pictures of college campuses in my room. My friends bought my college hats and t-shirts for my birthday. When I had a free second, I didn't get on "Myspace" (that's what they had back then!), or watch television. I read college guide books and colleges' websites.</p>

<p>Senior year came around and I applied to the schools of my dreams. I got into every last one of them. I was elated. </p>

<p>My parents, on the other hand, were not. They told me they couldn't afford any of the schools I had picked, and sent me packing to Big State U. Yes, it was out of the blue - they always refused to have a serious discussion about money with me, since money was a "private matter." I asked them to let me take a "gap year" to work full time and save up for my education. They told me I would hate it. They told me I wouldn't make enough money to make a difference, anyway. I listened without putting up much of a fight. I thought they were right.</p>

<p>I tried to make the best of it. I really did. It was hard to not be horribly disappointed, and I won't lie and say I wasn't. But I made As and Bs my first semester. Still, I disliked my classes. They were too large, and no-one ever did the reading or homework, so "discussion" was always the teacher staring blankly ahead, force feeding us the answers. The clubs I was interested in were so large the little, shy me felt they were just too much - the first club meeting I went to had over 100 attendees, and everyone seemed to know each other from high school. </p>

<p>My parents told me that as the classes got harder, they would get smaller and students would become more engaged. I stuck it out. Second semester was more of the same. Third semester was more of the same. My grades tanked, and I no longer felt passion for learning. I eeked by with Cs. Now I am in 400-level classes with 50+ people in them, with one or two kids answering all of the questions and everyone else on their laptops looking at Facebook. </p>

<p>I am filled with regret. Filled with regret I didn't apply to schools where I could have received scholarships (maybe Smith? maybe Washington University St. Louis?). Filled with regret that I didnt put up a bigger fight about working to pay my way. I didn't know. I was too young. I didn't know about schools that gave merit money versus those that didn't. I didn't know that I would have been happier working, rather than sticking it out at a school I hated, didn't know I could even apply to a totally different set of schools at the end of the year. I wish I could go back and change it all. Wish I could tell myself anything that would have stopped me from being Here. </p>

<p>Sometimes I dream about what it would be like to go to a different school. Sometimes I cry thinking about all of the things I should have done differently. </p>

<p>College was really my Dream, and I feel like it's been absolutely shattered. I don't know how to stop feeling this horrible sense of disappointment and regret.</p>

<p>I'm 20. I should be over this. Logically, I know, all I can do is look forward. But I can't help my dreams, and I can't help when my mind wanders. I can't help wishing everything was different, or that there was still some way I could be at the school I wanted to be at. Logically I know there isn't (is there?), but it's so hard...</p>

2

<p>stuckinthepast…time to look forward instead of backward. In another year, you will be possibly applying to graduate school. Get those grades up and apply to the school of your choice. Surely there is something about your current school that is positive. Try to focus on that.</p>

3

<p>With only a semester or two left before I apply to graduate schools, it’s unlikely I’ll have much to pick from (my GPA is well below a 3.0).</p>

<p>It’s hard to let go of something I thought about almost constantly for 4 years of my life…what I geared almost all of my energy towards…:(</p>

4

<p>I’m sorry you are in this situation.</p>

<p>But I want to tell you that for me, grad school was all of those things that you wanted out of college…small classes, intellectual discourse, clubs and activities, and lifelong friends. </p>

<p>So you still have another shot.</p>

<p>Get through college. Bring your grades back up. Apply to a wonderful graduate school…one that you may have always dreamed of attending. Then go there. You are still young and you can still have all those things that you feel you’ve lost. And since you will have no debt from college, you will be able to take out a few loans for your dream graduate school is you so desire.</p>

<p>You could think about transferring, but I think you will enjoy it more when you are starting a program at the same time everyone else is. You can even look for a grad school that has a graduate student dorm if you’re interested in continuing to live on a campus.</p>

<p>Good luck. Remember, you are only 20. There’s still plenty of time to follow the dream.</p>

<p>P.S. I just read your last note. If you work for a year or two, you can still go to grad school after that…and get this…you will <strong>still</strong> be young!!</p>

5

<p>After working for a year or two, do college grades not matter? I can’t really see myself attending a grad school I’ve always dreamed of (well, I’ve never dreamed of grad school at all…never saw myself going…so I don’t even know what I would study!). It will be near impossible for me to graduate with a 3.0 (I think straights As every semester, + summer and winter courses…I think that is unrealistic). Even a 3.0 is not really a typical graduate school hopeful GPA…</p>

6

<p>I hear what you are saying, OP. Every year, a poster on these boards revives a thread about how expensive schools are not worth it, and everyone should take the cheap option because it doesn’t matter in the long run. I was one of the few who disagree with him; college is a once-in-a-lifetime experience, that can have profound and lasting impacts on who you turn out to be, who your friends are, where you end up in life, and how satisfied you ultimately feel about the one life you’ve lived. Certain things in life are worth taking on debt for. I think a great college is one of those things.</p>

7

<p>I’m sorry that your parents waited until you rec’d all of your acceptances before they gave you the “bad news.” (Frankly, that was pretty icky of them. I wonder if they’ve ever regretted/apologized for that…they owe you that. If they couldn’t afford the dream schools, they should have said so. That would have given you the opportunity for you to apply to some merit scholarship schools.) </p>

<p>Definitely bring your grades up. What are you majoring in?</p>

8

<p>*Certain things in life are worth taking on debt for. I think a great college is one of those things. *</p>

<p>I doubt the OP could have gotten the loans she would have needed for her dream schools. Loans that exceed Stafford amounts would require co-signers. It’s doubtful her parents would have co-signed. </p>

<p>However, she could have applied to some schools that would have given her enough merit that her parents “state school contribution” and maybe a Stafford loan would have been enough.</p>

9

<p>Yes, I was never planning on taking out big loans (nor would my parents have ever cosigned)…but I do wish I had the chance to think about merit money, working, etc. </p>

<p>I was just living in a dream world and I wish I had had the sense to pull myself out of it in time.</p>

10

<p>I raised my GPA from a 2.7 to a 3.5 in one year, then on to a 3.7 a semester later. I had to take max course loads the full year long and get A’s, and I retook my worst class. It can’t always be done but you may be able to squeeze out more improvement than you think if you are willing to dedicate yourself to it. I was a B/C student my whole life up til then.</p>

<p>That said, college may be a once in a life time experience, but it is only one of many. I know it’s a disappointment, I still lament over the first two years I felt cheated out of when I had to live at home. My parents not only waited until after I had acceptances in hand, but until after I had TRAVELED to go on campus tours to tell me that they would contribute nothing to my education. I know it’s a disappointment. But in the grand scheme of things, this is just one small speed bump. If this is the worst regret you ever have, you’ll be in better shape than all the rest of us. Do your best from here on out and make the best of it. That’s all you can ever do.</p>

11

<p>I’ve used my school’s GPA calculator and 3.0 is the best I can do…you cannot retake classes…3.5 is definitely out of reach haha. </p>

<p>In other ways you’re right, though. It’s just one of many experiences. I can’t think right now of anything else that could top it, but, maybe one day.</p>

12

<p>I don’t buy it. New poster, well-crafted story that is conveniently woven to counter every argument against state u, without an ounce of detail. Nothing rings as authentic. </p>

<p>I really like pugmadkate’s idea that if even someone seems like a ■■■■■, its a good idea to respond as if it were real since other posters can learn from it. I thought I would use that advice next time cynical me saw the next ■■■■■…but I just can not stomach playing along and instead have to call someone out when I feel they are just duping others and in this case, probably greatly misleading a bunch of highschool kids.</p>

13

<p>Brown and other top schools have pretty good financial aid, but not merit aid. If you did not get financial aid, does that mean your parents are well off and could have afforded the schools you wanted to go to? I am unclear as to what happened.</p>

<p>Many grad students get fellowships and teach, so the real issue now is your grades, not money, is that right?</p>

<p>Is it possible that, after all those years of sort of obsessing about first tier colleges, and all that work applying, and then the disappointment your parents handed you after all that, that it has been impossible to see the state school in any other way than you do?</p>

<p>Honestly, there are so many great professors at state universities, and many really bright kids. Try to find those, in whatever small minority, whose goals and interests are similar.</p>

<p>You are fantasizing about the schools you could not go to, and they have flaws themselves. Many top colleges have a lot of hyper-competitive kids with careers on their mind. Many top colleges have extracurriculars that students have to interview, audition or otherwise compete for, and don’t get in. Many top colleges also have huge classes, with section taught be grad students or even undergrads.</p>

<p>I think it would be great if you could go to counseling to try to change your thinking a little bit (cognitive therapy). It sounds as if you sort of programmed yourself to have certain expectations about where you would go, and what it would be like, and your brain is holding on to those programs. You need to be de-programmed! (“Stuck in the Past”) Even meds like SSRI’s for a few months might help you see things in a different light, and then you could go off. You sound quite depressed.</p>

<p>What does your fall in grades really mean? Have you lost all interest in academics, because you feel they are subpar where you are? Are ou partying, or just not doing the work, or…? Maybe you should take some time off…</p>

14

<p>If you’ve not already, I hope you will consider counseling. Learning how to move past regret, to not get stuck in the past is an extremely valuable skill. Too many people either never master it or try to learn it late in life. </p>

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<p>Be one of the kids who answers all the questions. I truly feel sorry for the kids looking at facebook. They are robbing themselves of an education and for what? Take control of your life, starting now. Make it your mission to get that 3.0 Don’t let anything get in your way, most of all don’t let yourself get in the way. It’s very easy to get stuck in a cycle of beliving you have made a mistake and then not doing your best to prove that you’ve made a mistake. </p>

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<p>“College” can be replaced with time with the people you love, moving to another state/country, volunteer work and on and on. I’ve simply never known anyone who upon recieving a bad diagnosis or coming into the end years of their life wished they’d gone deeper into debt for college. Private colleges very much want you to believe that your entire life will be better for having forked over 200K+ or that you should spend the rest of your life wishing you’d gone to their school. It’s a good thing in life to be very skeptical of people who want you to spend more than you have.</p>

15

<p>I always planned to go to an elite institution. I was almost member of the first female class at Yale. Instead, I had a horrible fight with my father and left HS at the end of my junior year. I ended up at the local State U – not elite or shiny or all.</p>

<p>When I was finally in my major I was able to enjoy discussion based classes and be mentored. </p>

<p>I have often felt regret, but I did get to “live the life of the mind.”</p>

<p>My recommendation is to forget about mourning what you don’t have, through yourself into your studies, excel, catch the eye of a prof where you are, be mentored and find a life path.</p>

<p>It is not to late.</p>

<p>Forgot about the dream and make good the reality. You can do it.</p>

<p>That said, I do have sympathy. I am not critical of your sadness; I just want to help.</p>

16

<p>This country is filled with college students who aspired to more than their local State U, but that is where they ended up because of the high cost of going to college. Going to a more elite or smaller institution might have been a better choice, but I would suggest that you stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop recriminating over the past. You let it get the best of you and as a result, you did not do your best work. Fair enough, but you still have time to take the courses you claim interest you, and you still have time to bring your grades up to a higher level. If you can show that you rebounded and started earning all ‘A’ grades, and became enamored with learning, there will be a grad school that will be interested in you. Particularly if you do rebound and get a prof or two to write you a glowing letter of recommendation. </p>

<p>We all make mistakes in life, but it is time to stop wallowing in it. Here is one of my favorite quotes that might be inspirational:
“I don’t measure a man’s success by how high he climbs but how high he bounces when he hits bottom.”

  • George Patton</p>

<p>As for your parents, assuming that you are telling it as it happened, then they did you a great disservice. I would hope that any parent would at least let their kid know what sort of help could be expected with college funding. That does not require any great financial revelations. I have heard parents tell their kids something to the effect of, “All we can afford is to send you to State U - if you want to go to a more costly school, you will have to take out a loan for the rest.” Then the choice is with the child as to how to proceed.</p>

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<p>The flagship State Universities with which I’m familiar (two on the East Coast, several in the southwest and west) are impressive. For any student with the right mindset they offer rigorous and challenging courses. They are full of curious, articulate and intelligent students. They may not “rank” as high as some selective colleges, but generally they rank much above most colleges.</p>

<p>So to attend such flagship State universities and not find challenging courses, incredible professors, and to create life long friends, means that the student in missing the passion and flexibility that is so important for success in life.</p>

<p>I encourage you to seek out counseling – yes, at the very state university you despise.</p>

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<p>I agree; the OP would greatly benefit from counseling.</p>

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<p>Your parents betrayed you, bigtime, by not talking to you about finances earlier, not helping guide you someplace where you could get a good education for a reasonable price. I’d be bitter too. Once you can make some peace with that-- well you are clearly very capable and intelligent-- you’ll make your choices and find your way, I have no doubt. My college experience was pretty sad for some similar reasons-- but grad school was absolutely wonderful. You have plenty of time. Good luck!!</p>

20

<p>With the Olympics all over TV it reminded me that while many here give short shrift to athletes there is a lesson that athletes learn young that can be missed by many. Athletes fall, they get injured, they trip, they get the flu on the big day. Rarely do you see athletes vocalizing the “what if, what if.” They just pick themselves up and keep going, or start from the point that they find themselves and continue on their quest. OP you are where you are for whatever reason. It may not be where you visualized yourself. It may not where you and others thought you’d be but it is what it is. Pick yourself up and move on toward your goals from where you are today. Think of yourself as an academic athlete and not an academic failure. This is basically what Mythmom is saying without the sports analogy. You cannot go back you can only go forward in life. Regrets are natural but they suck your energy, take up time in your brain better spent on pondering other things and in general regrets won’t change a thing. I know it’s easier said than done, and if you seriously can’t get past this then perhaps do work with a counselor.</p>