<p>I live in the city of Harvard and MIT, and I don’t get those comments, either, though it appears that the town/gown conflict is alive and well! S knows schoolmates at Ivies, art schools, tech schools, state university, etc… I don’t think any of them received snide remarks.</p>
<p>Where I live it is MUCH more based on sports loyalties than on prestige. In some circles, a choice of UAlabama would be greeted with jeers, but that would be soley based on the fact that the jeering party was an alum of a different SEC school. If your kid happens to go to Vanderbilt “he or she must be smart”, but no additional prestige is afforded it in most circles.</p>
<p>Here’s one for you. I have gotten more than a few snide remarks (tries to act like she’s joking but is pretty transparant) from our neighbor because S1 went to our big state u. on a NROTC scholarship. Her S went to same school full pay. She has made comments about how her tax $$ are being used to pay for S1’s education.<br>
Since he has graduated/commissioned and will be stationed in Fl, she has made a comment about her tax$$ paying for him to live at the beach!!!</p>
<p>There is no real behind the scenes college talk/pressure here. The vast majority go to a state u. That’s the norm. If someone goes somewhere else, it’s not really fodder for the grist mill. Most of the parents I come in contact with are very unfamiliar with the world of elite schools. If you get in Chapel Hill than you have reached the pinnacle in the eyes of most.</p>
<p>Pacmom,</p>
<p>My S2 wants to get an ROTC scholarship also - another “moocher” to people like your neighbor :)</p>
<p>Well, by the way, ROTC scholarship comes from federal budget, I believe, so hey, no matter where the student goes in state or out, private or public, you already paid for his education one way or the other through years worth of federal income tax. Also, is your neighbor’s child willing to go through years of training and put his/her life on the line for this country in a combat?</p>
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<p>Meow, indeed, mythmom!!!</p>
<p>Well, count me as glad I live in an area where you don’t talk about stuff like that!
The I in my Myers-Briggs profile is shuddering at the very thought.</p>
<p>Maybe part of it is that I don’t particularly care whether other families choose to send their kids (yes, even my kids’ closest friends – I don’t particularly care). I wish them all well, whether their sites are set on the local community college or on Harvard, and can’t imagine saying anything more beyond “She got in? Oh great! How nice for her!”</p>
<p>Maybe the other piece is … if I attended a school function and scholarships were announced or awarded, I wouldn’t retain that information. If it’s not my kid, it’s really of no interest to me. I would feel a little creeped out if some other parent actually knew / retained that my kid had won the XYZ scholarship to ABC College, other than maybe a polite congratulatory remark in passing, or if they had some special tie to ABC College themselves. </p>
<p>We are fortunate enough to be able to be full freight and many of my kids’ friends won’t be able to (or at least that’s an assumption I can reasonably make). So what am I going to discuss with them anyway? I’ll be of no help from a navigating-financial-aid standpoint. But they don’t need to know that. I’ll faux-commiserate about how college is so expensive, they don’t need to know we have it stashed away, and that’s about that. I don’t see a real need for “transparency” with things that aren’t anyone’s business!</p>
<p>The neighbors understood (sort of) why S1 turned down the flagship full ride. What they didn’t understand was why we are paying for him to attend UChicago > MIT. The preponderance of our neighborhood attends state schools – Salisbury, Frostburg, UMBC, Penn State, Florida, Va. Tech, particularly strong students to UMD-CP. Because both of our kids chose to attend specialty public programs located elsewhere in our county rather than the local HS, people who ask me questions seem to be trying to assess if going to those programs was “worth it.”</p>
<p>Can only imagine what will ensue when S2 goes off to school next year. Two kids in private school (even with FA) just does not happen in our neighborhood. The kids go to state school and the parents add on the screened-in porch, remodel the basement or re-do the kitchen.</p>
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<p>When they indicate that they don’t understand, how much effort do you (or others, anyone feel free to chime in) put forth in laying out your reasons so that they do understand? So they don’t understand … How is that any more relevant to you than if they “don’t understand” why you painted your living room yellow?</p>
<p>Not being challenging here (even though the tone sounds it, I’m really not) … I guess I’m not following how these discussions get maintained. Anyone can offer any opinion on just about anything, of course, but it takes two to keep the discussion going, kwim?</p>
<p>I don’t understand why you would go to UChicago over MIT, either. I mean the place where fun goes to die HAS to be worse than a nerdy beaver mill. (I am being facetious)</p>
<p>Dbate: He has his reasons. Many of them.</p>
<p>Pizzagirl – Part of it is that MIT has a lot more cachet with this particular group of folks than Chicago. They could understand the value proposition better. I didn’t want to be snotty and walk away or dismiss them, because they weren’t being rude, either. I just told them the truth: S felt that Chicago would challenge him to grow more as a person and would push him beyond his math/CS comfort zone socailly and academically. He knows that if there is a time to explore the social sciences and humnaities, it’s now, before he goes to grad school.</p>
<p>S1 has always marched to his own drummer and has been a very, very tightly focused math guy, so I think the neighbors felt relieved he wanted to develop a social life!</p>
<p>OTOH, folks in other areas of our life heard he was going to Chicago and knew exactly why he was going, and were familiar with the financial pain it would involve. BTDT. No meowing there.</p>
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<p>You don’t need to justify it to me :-). </p>
<p>Anyone remember when your kids were little, and a well-meaning in-law criticized you because of how you fed / put to bed / dressed / disciplined your child?
There were always two ways of handling that. The first way was to defend your position (“but this method of feeding / sleeping / dressing / discipline really is better! Look, here are a bunch of data points to prove it!”) and the second way was not to argue the merits, but simply acknowledge other people do things differently, but this is your kid and you’re going to do what feels best to you. Grandma can argue breast vs bottle or spanking vs not, but if you engage her in arguing the merits, you’re implicitly saying that it’s important that Grandma agree with your reasoning and that Grandma agree with the merits of what you propose and agree that indeed what you’re doing is right. It seems like the same principle here! </p>
<p>I for one love debating online but not with my friends / neighbors IRL, LOL.</p>
<p>I don’t diss those who choose to pay full amounts to send their kids to top colleges…I just think you need to give your kids a taste of the real world…</p>
<p>Here my situation: </p>
<p>My cousin(lives 20 min away, goes to very similar public school, same grad. year, also a girl) is very wealthy. She’s bright. ACT 33, Cheerleader, mock trial. ranked like 15/215She will be applying to Dartmouth ED and if that doesn’t work, either William and Mary ED II or Colgate RD. Her parents will pay for everything. The girl has never worked a day in her life. How does she know the value of her education? Does she really understand?</p>
<p>I am not wealthy. My family is average. My dad is unemployed alot, but we pull in about 80k. However, my parents will not be contributing to my education. Not a dime. I will be paying for everything. I am 3/441, 34 ACT, Debate, Theatre, Newspaper, everything. Therefore, I am looking at schools with lots of merit opportunities. Ive worked since i was 15 to save money for college. I will prob end up UAlabama since they’ll give me full tuition. and i’ll be able to pay for board through work study, savings, and loans</p>
<p>In the end, i think i’ll be sure to get as much out of my education as i can because i’m responsible for it.</p>
<p>So, to end my rant. I get that you want your kids to have the best. Or, in these tight times, you want to save money and send them to a lesser school. But, in the end, should you be paying for it at all? I think not</p>
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<p>But why shouldn’t I? (Or any family who is similarly situated and able to pay) I mean, what else am I going to spend my money on? Fur coats? Jewelry? Artwork for the walls? Watch it grow in the bank? That’s one of the two main reasons that H and I personally work so hard – for our children’s college, and our own retirement. </p>
<p>We both went to school full freight and we appreciated it tremendously and were incredibly thankful for the great gift of education. Are you sure you are not jealous of your cousin for having opportunities that are easier for her than for you, for not having to work the way you will have to? (And make no mistake - I think it’s great that you are so driven and you will undoubtedly go quite far with your work ethic and wish you nothing but luck.)</p>
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Your cousin should know that W & M does not offer an ED II round - it’s ED or RD. </p>
<p>I’m with Pizzagirl - I want to pay for my kids to have a great education. And we’re all fortunate that, in the US, great educations can be had for $50 K/year, $25 K/year, or even, with finaid or merit aid, for free. rocket6louise, your level of maturity is outstanding, and you’re certain to do well wherever you go. But few parents would rather see their children pay for their educations without assistance, even in the name of valuing that education.</p>
<p>There is a staggering variety of points of view on this thread!</p>
<p>“The girl has never worked a day in her life. How does she know the value of her education? Does she really understand?”</p>
<p>Maybe not.
But I don’t think it has to be all or nothing on this front. I think many of us try to reach for some balance here. Most of the teenagers I know do work…sometimes even during the school year. Quite a few do contribute to living expenses at college…even when the parents are wealthy. I think that helps inject some reality.<br>
But I must admit I do see some things that annoy me. Like a girl I know whose parents are currently struggling to pay for her education at a top private. She works…yes…but for clothes. That’s it. No contribution expected. Now that, wouldn’t be MY choice as a parent (or even as a student) …but it does illustrate how differently we handle these matters. I must admit she looks great…a whole lot better than I did back in my college years with my frayed jeans and sweatshirts!</p>
<p>Students who work hard at their academics can also be said to have “earned” their college education. They just got scholarships from their parents instead of an outside organization, that’s all.</p>
<p>Oh my. I defy anyone to come up with a college student who works harder than my son. We pay his full-freight tution, room, board, books. He works his you-know-what off. I think part of his work ethic stems from the knowledge of how much we are sacrificing for his education.</p>
<p>Regarding the cattiness of other parents on college choices for kids. DH and I have noticed that the parents of younger kids (i.e., elementary, preschool, middle school) are really friendly and supportive and eager for news of our child in college. Parents of older kids (college age and beyond) do not want updates and are rather aggressive in always telling us how absolutely perfect and without parallel are the college choices of their own kids. We just try not to get into it, just like politics and religion, I guess.</p>
<p>But isn’t it a parent’s choice? Who is anyone to say (other than the parent) that a parent needs to hold a child responsible for any costs at all? </p>
<p>I think we question others college choices not to necessarily question the merit of them but to justify our own. This goes not just for holding a kid responsible for some college costs, but also for ivy vs state school at a full ride.</p>
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<p>Just because someone is wealthy doesn’t mean that he or she does not know the value of her education. Just because parents paid for the education doesn’t mean that the kid cannot value his or her education. Maybe your cousin doesn’t appreciate what she has, but wealth does not necessarily preclude awareness of the value of certain things.</p>
<p>One thing though that I believe that kids don’t often appreciate until later is the effect of having (or not having) student loans to repay. We’ve often told our D that our gift to her was an undergraduate education without student loans for her to repay. I don’t think that she appreciated the value of the gift until she saw some of her acquaintances feel burdened by their loans.</p>
<p>Hey rocketlouise. If your parents aren’t going to help pay get declared independent (they won’t be able to deduct you for taxes) and you will get more financial aid. Don’t sell yourself short. All the Ivy’s have great FA for lower income students. Even at 80k you will get pretty close to a full ride at most of the Ivys. Do some research and check it out.</p>