My dd is returning to college after a two-year medical leave for anxiety and depression. She has been through a couple of intensive outpatient programs, has been in therapy since then, has passed a couple of classes at a local community college and, in general, seems to have grown up a lot in the past two years (thank goodness!).
We are happy she is returning to school, but I am worried. It’s a lot of money (private u, no financial aid). If she were to return and do well and eventually graduate, it would be worth it, but there is no guarantee of that. My instinct was to tell her this semester will decide if she returns next year–that if she doesn’t keep and pass her classes, she will be returning home and attending a community college. However, my friend says that this is presupposing she won’t do well and will put added pressure on her.
I also feel like, given the exorbitant amount of money we will be spending, that having some sort expectations for grades is reasonable. If she’s only willing to put in the effort for Bs and Cs she can do that at a community college. But again, I don’t want to put undo pressure on dd her first semester back.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I would be more worried that she has the proper supports at school - a therapist, support group, etc…
That said, it’s not unreasonable to expect that going back to school means having a focus on academics and grades.
@momofsenior1 yes, we’ve made sure she is set up with supports-therapist, psychiatrist, life coach (for organizational difficulties), plus the school is very supportive. She is meeting with the dean of students when she returns and they are having a welcome-back dinner for students who have been on leave (which makes me wonder how many students go on medical leave!).
“My instinct was to tell her this semester will decide if she returns next year–that if she doesn’t keep and pass her classes, she will be returning home and attending a community college. However, my friend says that this is presupposing she won’t do well and will put added pressure on her.”
Attending college means being under at least some pressure, often a lot of pressure. Whether it is grades or finances, it all comes with the territory. If she is truly ready for college, you can’t and shouldn’t shield her from that reality.
You don’t have to phrase it as a direct threat (“If this, then that”) or be adversarial.
You won’t be doing her a favor by keeping mum about this being her one-and-only-shot either, especially if the money is not going to be there for a third chance. Therefore, the conversation isn’t about an ultimatum, but how this is her “big opportunity”. You are “getting older” and will not be able to fund her education indefinitely, so you want to remind her to stay focused, and keep the lines of communication open. Remind her of how proud you are that she is giving this another try. Let her know she has matured so much in the past two years, and you are looking forward to watching her test her wings. Yes, there is pressure, a challenge, but one given with love and encouragement.
If she suffers from anxiety then I’d try to start her off on a positive note. She’s already been home once, so it seems like she would know that returning isn’t a given.
What if all she’s capable of right now are B’s and C’s? The degree you earn with those grades doesn’t look any different than one with A’s and B’s. And those grads get jobs too.
I don’t think the behavior of a student who has a history of anxiety and depression requiring “intensive” therapy can be grouped with students who choose to slack off. Depression seems to make it difficult to put in effort even if you want to. I think you have to find a balance between your expectations. If she has to get all A’s and B’s for you to think what you’re spending on her is worth it then I think you’re placing a huge burden on her and setting her up for failure. Is she getting A’s at the community college?
So she doesn’t have the diagnosis as per a previous thread? The terminal sounding one?
How many years did she complete at her school?
Could she transfer to a local university?
I would say…no D or F grades…but if her first term back she gets all B and C grades, I would say that’s a good return from being away for two years.
ETA…I would expect a full time course of study with no dropped courses too.
Do you really not want her to go to this top school if she can only graduate with an A average? Her diploma will not say A average or C average. You are paying full price anyway, so a 2.5 average will not cause her to lose a scholarship.
If she doesn’t do well, the school will put her on probation and then expel her. You won’t have to worry about it.
I think I’d concentrate on her attending all the classes, all the therapy appointments, and passing all classes.
Expectations and veiled ultimatums will only add to your D’s anxiety and increase her chances of failure - it’s a vicious circle. That said, I also don’t understand the OP’s desire for straight A’s. That seems like an unusually high expectation for any student, never mind one with clinical anxiety and depression.
We used to tell our D to not even try for an A, to shoot for a C instead. We did it as a way of taking some pressure off her, and also letting her know that we really didn’t care about the grades and her health was the most important thing to us. People with anxiety already put plenty of pressure on themselves to do well, your adding to it really helps no one and only does more harm than good.
It’s very possible your D might need to drop a class here or there, and therefore have a semester or two with less than a full load. She might even need to drop out mid-semester with the resulting lost fees. If those scenarios represent financial hardship for you, then you should start considering cheaper schools as a plan B. Having flexibility to finish on her own schedule will be beneficial to both parents and student. It will give you the peace of mind to strongly encourage your D to drop a class that’s going poorly vs suffering the temptation to tell her to try harder to overcome a debilitating medical condition over which she has no control.
TLDR: don’t mention expectations for grades, but do start considering a cheaper school that will give you flexibility if your D needs more breaks or a lighter courseload.
Please, take the advice you gave yourself in the earlier thread. Here’s your chance for a do-over.
Even my child w no anxiety or depression issues would lose it if we pushed for all A’s. Look for the positives b/c trust me, they are putting quite enough pressure on themselves already. Ours came home w/ a 3.5, all As and Bs, for his first semester. We were thrilled but he wasn’t. so we asked him pointed questions… What was your GPA in your intended major/minor, did you have fun, did you make friends, did you stay healthy/get a flu shot, did you keep your room/yourself clean and do your laundry, did you eat well, etc
College is more than just grades. It’s also alot about growing and learning to be an adult; balancing social life, academic life, and just life in general.
Maybe move the goal post a bit- her job is to attend all her classes, meet with her therapist and adviser as scheduled, eat three times a day, be in bed by midnight on school nights, attend one non-academic event a week (poetry slam, concert, dance performance, debate between the Dali Lama and Helen Mirren) etc.
I’d be terrified if I were your D that the definition of success was being crafted so narrowly- especially after two years of a medical leave.
College is more than her grades. Unless you want either a repeat (which I know you don’t) or her hiding her issues and problems from you (which you likely don’t) I’d ease up.
And if going back to this college is truly a financial hardship for you- why not find a cheaper school??? Which gives her some breathing room as she eases back into academics and the competitive pushing that got her flummoxed in the first place?
What does her therapist say about reasonable milestones for this next semester? Start there.
If it were my kid, I’d be more concerned about the social re-integration frankly. You don’t really want her getting all A’s but locked in her room every afternoon, evening and weekend, do you? That seems like a recipe for more depression…
I’ve been in a similar situation, though my daughter was only out for two quarters, as opposed to two years. The college in question was 2000+ miles away, and we weren’t full pay, though it was a stretch to make the payments.
People did question why we had her at school at all, as opposed to keeping her close to home. Our experience in general though was that the school had more to meet her needs than any of the local options (to include simply working a low pressure job.) The structure of school was useful for her recovery. There were better options for therapists in that location. And it did provide her a sense of accomplishment, even in the midst of the difficulties.
We did not offer any ultimatums initially. I’d suggest just watching to see how it goes, with frequent communication being a must. Where I did push was in the area of attending therapy (I did the work of locating the provider and managing the financial part of that, so there was less pressure on her that way.) We got her registered with the disability office, which was very helpful when she did struggle with anxiety, as far as communicating with professors and developing some accommodations.
We looked at ongoing school as an investment in her health and recovery at that point. It’s much less expensive than residential treatment.
There were a couple of times where the situation seemed a touch precarious, and I traveled to her area a few times to help out. But the goal was for her to learn to manage this chronic health issue, and she did gain many tools for doing just that during that time.
Good news: our daughter did end up graduating, “on time”, even, and has been functioning well in the three years since graduation. Ultimately, she had a degree that was not terribly practical and she is working toward going to grad school now to get a degree that leads to an obvious profession 
But I have not regretted having her go back to school at all.
IS your daughter registered with the Office for Disabilities? If so, she can get accommodations like extended time on papers if depression or anxiety recur, and even a reduced course load, which can be helpful. In fact, going back with 3 classes instead of 4 might be hugely helpful and also give her more time to get involved with things outside of academics, like volunteering, or music, or whatever, which can help with anxiety out of school (but maybe just one activity).
Certainly buy tuition refund insurance. If she does have to withdraw, you get your money back.
Make sure she withdraws before deadlines if courses are too much.
Many of us have been there and I assure you that life can work out, even if she does end up leaving. And if she stays and has a good experience, great.
Have faith and the trust you place in her will return a lot more to you than any ultimatums.
I would think if you dont’ think she is up to having this discussion, she isn’t ready to go back.
Why not ask her what her plan is to succeed? Like getting a tutor, going to the professors office hours, maybe sharing her grades with you?
Having her join a group at the counseling center?
What does she think she should accomplish to continue going to the high priced school? In other words, what does she think success look like?
Like if she is getting D’s, she should not be going to a full pay private school.
But if she can be full time with a B average, then continue.
What is she getting out of that school over State U or Local Liberal College? Why does she want to go back there? If she can’t take 15 credits/semester and needs more semesters to graduate, should she go to a cheaper school.
What will she be doing to address anxiety? e.g. go to counseling center
Or like when my anxious daughter was to anxious to go to the tutoring center, she grabbed a friend to go with her to get a tutor.
@Emsmom1 I’m glad to hear your D is doing well. All the best to her.
First, I am so glad to read that your dd is doing well enough to go back to college! That is wonderful news. It can be very challenging to navigate college with a kid that has mental health and perhaps motivational challenges, especially with the amount of money on the line so I understand why you would be concerned about her ability to succeed. Unfortunately, it is impossible to predict how she will do until she tries. As important as graduating, preferably on time, is maintaining her mental health is the primary goal.
Like others, I would try to minimize expectations and avoid ultimatums. If, however, there are real constraints: a certain GPA is needed for the college to let her stay or if you don’t have the money for an extra semester, that needs to be clarified at the outset.
Good luck to her and to you!
There are many excellent “adult learner”/continuing education/degree completion programs. One of mine is doing one of these with a combination of online and in person classes. She takes just one or two classes/semester, and works. There are many ways to do college. The majority of college students are not traditional.
I am not saying that because I think your daughter is going to fail or leave. But to lessen the pressure and anxiety that you yourself have. Things can work out, and in many ways.
I’ve been there with two. Lots of ups and downs that cost us money. I had a different approach and expectations with each of them, with the one whose issues were huge we took the approach that a lot of discussion was not going to be productive. She was smart and already knew what she needed to do without us making a laundry list of our expectations. She was hard enough on herself. One thing that helped was the expectation that if she took the next right step we would be willing to help her financially. Also one she came up with along with help from a therapist was that as long as she put in the work academically she would be okay with whatever grade she got. This was my kid who felt anything but an A was a failure. I think the expectation of her taking a full load might be unreasonable. For my other we at the advise of her therapist suggested she first start off with successful completion of a community college class. When she went back full time we had her start with just 12 units and build confidence before tackling a larger load.
Good luck to both of you.
Edit- just read @compmom post and it reminded me of another thought. Kid 2 we determined that anxiety was so limiting for her that she completed her degree through an online program.