Risky Essay Style, Please Critque!

College Essays
1

<p>I have written the following essay for my Common Application essay, answering the following prompt:
Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what lessons did you learn?
I chose to write in a meta-style perspective (breaking the fourth wall so to say) and I would like to know of anything I should change, or if I should scrap it all together.</p>

<p>I plan on applying to USC, NYU, Chapman, and Emerson for film production. </p>

<p>Right now, it's just me and you. This essay is strictly a conversation between us, so that you may learn more about me as a person. Well, I'm a failure. And I'm going to tell you why I'm proud of being one.</p>

<p>When I sat down to right this essay, I tried to recollect my biggest stories of failure. As I tried to express them, I felt like a robot. Every word felt fake and absolutely unoriginal. Sure, I could tell my story of how I gave away the first baseball game to the rivals, and learned to never give up. Or the story of all the contests I lost, and how I finally succeeded with persistence. But, these stories have been told a thousand times. </p>

<p>These stories are too specific. Instead, I'm going to tell you of all my failures. Everyday I make mistakes. I can't tell you how many times I've struck out, embarrassed myself, or let a project fall through. Nevertheless, all of my defeat rises from one cause: risk. I make sure I learn something new and challenge myself in different ways everyday. These challenges help me improve and learn better for the next time around. If I don't fail, how will I learn?</p>

<p>Many people have dreams of living and breathing success; this is unrealistic. It's too easy to succeed everyday. This means the challenges aren't great enough. If I was a non-stop success, then I would most likely be stuck in my comfort zone and too scared to try anything that might result in collapse. Living and breathing success only lowers self-expectation. In my opinion, that's no way to live.</p>

<p>I have realized that life is not all about success. Life is about failure. The more often I fail, the more I grow. Maybe someday it'll be accepted that failure really is success. Failure helps me indicate that I'm not just a fluke or a one time wonder. It shows me that I'm going after something with enough furiosity to trip over myself. I in turn learn how dedicated I am with the second trial, the third trial, and so on. </p>

<p>Next time I fall flat on my face, I'll be happy. I can't be afraid to fail or I'll end up learning nothing. The more I make mistakes, the more I push my boundaries, and the more I challenge myself, the more I'll grow. Through our conversation, I've learned a lot about myself, and I hope you've learned a lot about me as well. I live and breath failure, and it's the only way I want to live and breath.</p>

<p>Thanks for taking the time to read my essay. Please comment your thoughts.</p>

2

<p>First, I don’t think you should post essays here. Just make a thread asking ‘hey, can you read my essay?’ Someone might say yes, and if you rack up 15 posts, you can private message them your essay. </p>

<p>Second, some little errors: breathe, not breath. Every day, not everyday. One-time, not one time. Furiosity isn’t a word. Perhaps fury? Find a better word with better connotations? </p>

<p>Third, this essay is basically an explanation of your creed, but it could be improved with solid examples or anecdotes about failures that have improved you. This essay doesn’t have enough of your character in it, and the best way to characterize yourself is by showing, not telling. </p>

<p>The risky part is fine and creative (I like how personal it is, but the body of your essay isn’t personal enough! Drag in your reader and show them who you are, what you’ve done, how you behave, etc.) , but the essay can be improved. </p>

3

<p>Karabekian,</p>

<p>Thank you!! This critique has really given me some new ideas. </p>

4

<p>I hate to break it to you, but your “meta-essay” approach is neither risky nor creative. In fact it’s almost cliche. Here it is listed as a “Fatal Essay Errors”:
“Meta” essays where you talk about writing an essay, about the process of writing an essay, or about essays themselves.
Here it is again as a “topic to avoid”:
“Some applicants want to show their ability to think outside the box, so instead of answering the question presented, they present a quirky response that in the form of a sarcastic take on the college essay. Describing one’s biggest challenge as “finding a topic for college essays,” highlighting oneself as the person “having the most significant impact,” or writing a meta-essay in stream-of-consciousness style is likely to come off as flippant or arrogant, rather than intellectual and unique.”
And last, but not least:
“Each year, tens of thousands of students across the country struggle to come up with a topic for their college essay. And each year many of them think it might work to write about their current struggle to write their essay. Unfortunately for them, the “I couldn’t decide what to write so I’m writing about writing the essay” essay has already been done. A lot. The college-admissions officers want to know about what makes an applicant tick, and how he would enrich the community at the college or university he’s applying to. This topic really doesn’t help answer either of those questions well.”
Since they were posted on blogs, I can’t give you the link, but if you put those into Google, you can find the whole of each article.</p>

<p>Your writing style is good, and your diction is on point (sophisticated and educated, but not like an SAT prep book). I just don’t think the “meta-essay” angle is as different and creative as you might have thought.</p>

5

<p>You said this essay would help me learn more about you, yet after reading I have the feeling that I didn’t anything about you. You said you are persistent and you never give up but I see no evidence of that and I find it very hard to believe based on what you have said. </p>

<p>I’d like the expand on what the above poster said, the style of your essays might not be as creative as you think but that doesn’t mean it can’t be. To me you have used a lot of cliché sentences such as “life is about failure” and so and so. </p>

<p>You also talk about taking risks. What risks? explain them. Everyone takes risks. What separates you from the rest of the crowd? Overall I would recommend rereading this essay and asking yourself what did I show about me to the reader? Remember showing is much better than telling. Don’t say I’m persistent, rather, give a real life personal example where you show that trait.</p>

<p>Good luck and sorry if this sounded harsh, i’m just trying to help.</p>

6

<p>Don’t waste words telling us what you are not going to do or what you think other people do. If you are going to talk about your failures then do it. Ditch the platitudes and generalizations. Make this an essay that tells us about you, not about failure. </p>

7

<p>Your writing style is strong, and I think you handled the meta approach deftly. But I agree that there is not enough personal detail or depth. I was left feeling like you didn’t actually share anything, and that you probably aren’t even on the baseball team - that you are telling someone else’s story and not your own. </p>

8

<p>“Instead, I’m going to tell you of all my failures. Everyday I make mistakes.” But you never really told us about some of these failures. Unlike others on this thread, I actually kind of liked the meta approach (I’m also doing something similar for my essay, so I might be biased). The beginning was great, eye-catching, but I felt that there was a letdown when you never really talked about some of your failures. </p>

9

<p>430ktk, thank you for the in depth critique. I had a feeling the whole meta thing might come across as an inability to not answer the prompt. </p>

10

<p>VSGpeanut101, Thank you! I plan on ditching the meta, but incorporating the same points in a more narrative structure.</p>

11

<p>You know, all the Common App prompts basically boil down to one thing - please tell us a story about yourself. We already know how smart you are from your grades & scores, but we don’t know anything about you as a person.</p>