Thank you all. I’m having a hard time with this new site (it literally hurts my eyes to read the text on the white background lol) so excuse the slow responses. I have read the PMs and am slowly answering them. To answer a few questions though:
-Mr R has been checked out too and is completely healthy on all counts. (He honestly was hoping it was him so that I wouldn’t have yet another thing to deal with.)
-I have had that HSG dye test (which was the most uncomfortable test I’ve ever had!) and lucky at least everything there looked pretty good.
-As I said in an earlier response, one of the reasons we’re doing this so aggressively now is because we have incredible insurance that covers everything and for once my health is pretty stable. Plus, I’m in the dissertation stage of my phd so this is probably the time of my life where I’m going to be the most flexible schedule-wise.
-We’re pretty sure we’re only going to have one kid (or twins with the fertility meds - but there’s no twins in either side of our families) so luckily (hopefully) I only have to go through this whole process once. We’ve already made the decision that if we want to have more, we’re going to try without intervention and if it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t.
Some other general things - because I’ve been the childless aunt, I’ve had the opportunity to form very close bonds with my niblings. I’m especially close with my oldest nephew since I’ve been staying with his family so much because they live close to the archives I use. If kids never happen, and for whatever reason adoption isn’t in the cards for us, we have plenty of kiddos around to keep us happy. Despite this being a rough process, Mr R and I have agreed that if the aunt & uncle life is all we have in store for us, that’s just fine by us. We already spoil the niblings and we would just continue doing that. (Plus, we’re listed as the guardians for 3 of our 4 niblings if anything were to happen to their parents.)
First of all, a big hug to you, @romanigypsyeyes. I’m so sorry that you have been struggling with this and I’m sending positive thoughts your way.
We were a a fertility treatment success story. I was nearly 38 when DH and I started trying to get pregnant. After about a year or so of trying, we consulted a fertility specialist who informed me that I was “peri-menopausal.”
Because of my age, we decided to skip the usual first step –– Clomid –– and we went straight to the injectable hormones. The plan was to take FSH shots and go the turkey baster approach (IUI) for three cycles and, if unsuccessful, to consider IVF. They recommended that we consider using donated eggs as they didn’t think my eggs would be viable.
We were also open to adoption.
Happily, I got pregnant on the third IUI, notwithstanding the fact that I hadn’t produced as many follicles and my OB/Gyn was not very encouraging about the prospects of success (he wanted to cancel the IUI; I insisted that we go ahead with the procedure –– my husband had to change an international flight for himself (and a couple of his students) so that he could get back in time for when I would begin ovulating. Unfortunately, I had miscalculated and messed up the timing, lol.
Romani, having been there, I think having to read others’ success tales is so hard. Even for me, decades later.
Ages ago, I once mentioned adoption on some thread we were both on. My motto in this regard is, “Family Is.” Meaning, it’s however we come together and do our best, as parents. The number of adoptive families on CC surprises me. And until some thread comes up, no one ever distinguishes between bio and adopted kids. Our love flows.
And you already know how it is, how easy it is, to love your niblings. That’s an open heart.
I personally don’t think our children need to be infants when we welcome them. Mine were older. From the day we knew of them, they were ours and we were theirs.
@lookingforward hearing the success stories gives me hope. ?
Adoption is on the table, but not something we would pursue until I was done with grad school.
A past client of mine just sent me pictures of her twins. She had PCOS among other health problem. One was obesity and she had to search for a doctor who would work with her with her high weight. She and her H had 3 rounds of IVF. It was brutal for her. The harvesting was the worse part of it. She was 38. I had know her as a client for 19 years and walked every step with her through this. We had many discussions about parenthood and my conviction that the only reason to have a baby is if you want a relationship with another person and adoption or birth child were two equal choices… Her H struggled with every step including the thought that she wanted to adopt.
They had two female eggs left and she decided (H wanted a boy–LOL he adores his girls) to have one very last try. Her girls are toddlers now.
I have both a birth daughter and an adopted son. I feel the same love equally–but some days I do like one more than the other…
Hugs to your and your H.
Like most parents of twins, we had fertility treatment, and we started relatively early. Our twins were from our second round of IVF, born in 2000 just after my wife’s 30th birthday. Our younger son was born 4.5 years later, he was one of the frozen embryos left over from that cycle. The good news with starting at a younger age is that you are more likely to end up with many high quality embryos.
@Oregon101, one of the hallmarks of PCOS is being overweight. When I went on Clomid, I dropped 50+ pounds doing Weight Watchers maintenance – which I was doing for good nutrition. When my PCOS was under control, the weight was far less of an issue.
@romanigypsyeyes, I was 27-29 when I went through treatment. (you already know my story.) All my friends at work (about a dozen of us, all about the same age) were getting pregnant. Some had two kids in the time it took me to get pregnant with S1. I never knew how I’d handle the news; sometimes I was fine, other times I turned into a puddle of tears. DH couldn’t get on the emotional roller coaster with me, so I went to a counselor. Good decision.
I also have friends who did surrogacy and/or adoption, as well as some who are childfree and the best aunts and uncles a kid could ask to have.
@romanigypsyeyes I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, and I’m sorry this stupid interface is making it difficult for everyone to read/follow/write about your journey at the moment!
I remember in our journey that an email group (then website?) called “ONNA” for “oh no, not again (getting one’s period)” was very helpful emotionally.
As was the case for some others here, in our case, my hormones fixed themselves after the first assisted pregnancy and the others were possible without intervention. I remember how terrible it felt when it seemed like everyone else got pregnant easily, even accidentally, and I felt broken.
I have a close friend who struggled for years and then did get pregnant without interventions after she aged out of all the interventions in her health insurance in her mid-40s, and though I don’t think that’s typical, I do think that there are a lot of post-IF success stories out there.
I also have another friend who successfully adopted an older child after fostering. She’s extremely attached to her child, also.
We got married at 30, and tried for 10 years to have kids. Did the testing, no luck.
Then at mass one day we turned around at the sign of peace, and saw a young Asian girl with her 2 blonde brothers. That sparked the adoption conversation. Fast forward 10 months, and our son arrived from Korea. Four months later, I was pregnant with daughter #1, 3 years later (I was then 45) with daughter #2.
I’ve heard all the theories. But I honestly believe that God wanted us to be the parents of that (Now not so little, at age 21) boy.
Sending you hugs and wishing you all the best. I have friends that have 3 kids through the turkey baster method after a few years of trying. All beautiful and healthy .
I also know many people who have adopted. They love their children completely, and after struggling with the difficulty and expense of IVF, have never looked back. As far as doing it now, quickly, while you have excellent insurance…you always have to have excellent insurance. With the severity of health issues that you, and likely your child will have, should you become pregnant, good insurance is a must. You have to think long term. Whatever job you or your husband need to take to keep excellent insurance, someone has to take it. Even if you have to move, or someone has to take a job that’s not their top choice, the #1 priority has to be you and your child’s health. Without that, nothing else matters.
The first step is to determine what the cause is. Check ovulation and sperm count first. I had severe endometriosis, and a cyst on one ovary, but ended up with two pregnancies and two healthy sons, in ten years, by using Chinese herbs and acupuncture. It took 8 weeks of steady weekly herbs to get my cycle to lengthen from 24 days to 27 days, and then I was able to get pregnant. Clomid did not help me at all, as I had a short leutial phase, so too short of a cycle and Clomid does not treat that! I was shocked that Western medicine did not even offer me anything to lengthen my cycle, but Chinese medicine has that option! I tried dye in the tubes, that did not help either.
Before spending money on IVF, try Chinese herbs and acupuncture for six to 8 weeks. If it does not work, you can always move on to IVF. Its likely to get your entire reproductive system in tip top shape for IVF even if you don’t get pregnant with Chinese Medicine.
Also find a local chapter of RESOLVE, a support group for infertility, to find the best Chinese medicine practitioner. You must find a top Chinese herbal doctor and be willing to cook the herbs on your stove top. It should not hurt you as much as western medicine might, but you have to believe it will work. For the record I am a PhD holding scientist, and I do believe some types of infertility can be helped by Chinese Medicine. If you are not ovulating, it can even stimulate the ovaries to work.
IVF may work as well, but cost more, and involve a lot more hospital visits. IVF is now
very established scientifically. Its more of a roller coaster for some women, and I had no access to IVF close by as at the time the only IVF was in Denver, and I was very far north of Denver. So for me, Chinese medicine was local, safer and much less expensive. And best of all, two sons !
Also I had to take natural progesterone to hold the pregnancies. My progesterone level was too low as well as having too short a cycle, and endometriosis. Later I had
a surgery to remove one ovary, the diseased one.
Yes, success here. But IVF was the better bang for the buck. There were too many problems to combat and the less expensive and invasive approaches were not effective. This was nearly 20 years ago, so hopefully even better refinement now. We tried for 5 years and first IVF that we finally did worked. Good luck.
My stepD is a success story—she had issues with endometriosis and after surgery and several attempts at IVF, she/son-in-law ended up adopting. She found great support through an organization called RESOLVE. She lives in Ohio, but I think there are such groups around the country. It might be helpful to you Romani.
We tried for 17 years (yes you read that right!) to get pregnant with maybe 7 of those being not exactly trying but doing nothing to prevent it. We had 10 rounds of IUI. Nothing. Dr. diagnosed us each with serious issues. She said IVF would have less than a 5% chance of working and it wasn’t covered by our insurance. So… finally we just decided it was too hard on our marriage, my job and general happiness so we decided to adopt. We adopted our D. She had lots of health problems and was in and out of the hospital with pneumonia from an immature immune system. We decided that one child would be enough because of her issues.
Fast forward to 19 months later. She was in the hospital and I had my period, really short and I didn’t think about it again. A month later I started feeling sick. Finally decided to take a pregnancy test when a guy at work told me his wife felt just like I did when she was pregnant. It came back positive. I panicked because the doctor had said if I ever got pregnant I would need all kinds of hormone shots to hold the child. I called my gynecologist. She could see me in two weeks. I explained the situation, ok 1 1/2 weeks. NO! I called the infertility specialist and she said to come in the next morning. I did and she said not only was I pregnant, I was 10 weeks pregnant and my hormones were perfect. I even saw the heartbeat! So three months before i was 40 my son (now 20) was born healthy as a horse!
It can work but may not be at your preferred time. I spent years crying and sad, avoiding malls, baby showers, etc. Hang in there!
@momocarly , wow! What a story! I’m not religious at all, but stories like this make me wonder. It also makes me question if those doctors had a clue about what they were telling you.
busdriver, it’s far easier said than done to just “always have great insurance.” For one, I may not be able to work forever. Medicare (if I were on disability) does not cover much in infertility services. My husband has a good job and his insurance through his work doesn’t cover infertility services.
As for just picking up and moving wherever we find work, that’s also a nice idea but simply not possible. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find specialists who work with complicated lupus cases like mine? I have about a dozen specialists (not even including the ones related to the infertility) that are almost all connected to the lupus clinic at U of M. People come from all over the country to go to this clinic that I have in my backyard.
I’ve been un- and under-insured for much of my life so yes, I’m very well aware of how much of a priority insurance is. It’s one of the reasons I’ve given up my dream of a tenure track academic job unless by some outside miracle I get a job at U of M. But in the mean time, I’m preparing for a non-academic or alt-academic job.
My great insurance right now covers most of my infertility treatments. For all the meds and testing I’ve undergone so far, I’ve spent less than $100 out of pocket. IVF is covered at 80% + whatever my other insurance covers. Do you know how rare that is in an insurance plan?
It also covers everything related to pregnancy. Everything. All of my prenatal visits, prenatal vitamins, the MFM and other high-risk doctors, the tests, the twice weekly fetal heart monitoring I’ll have to undergo in the later stages of pregnancy, the hospital stay, and so on. I have friends with good insurance who still have OOP costs of $500, $1000, and higher and that was for uncomplicated pregnancies and deliveries.
Sorry if I come off as a bit harsh or sensitive but I’m more aware than the average bean of how important health insurance is and I know my life and circumstances better than anyone. So when I say that I’m in a bit of a time crunch, I mean I’m in a bit of a time crunch. This isn’t me being impatient. This is me being practical and realistic. When you grow up poor, you learn to take advantage of opportunities as they present themselves since you don’t have a safety net to catch you if you miss it.
Thank you to everyone else who has given me hope and well wishes. I promise I’ll respond soon but I am reading everything.
No, you don’t come across as harsh or sensitive, Romani, I understand what you mean. But it sounds to me as if you feel as if you are in a box, with no options, no choices, ready to rule out any changes to your life, because they are impossible. And I think your health and your babies health is more important than your husband’s ideal job, location, anything. Plus, risking your life in a significant way to carry a baby, when there are options such as surrogacy out there, it upsets me, and I just can’t get past it. I don’t want this to cost you your life.
So sorry you are going through this. There are lots of success stories and hope you will be one of them. I had mild infertility issues, including some miscarriages, and my youngest was a surprise at the point when we had given up and that pregnancy didn’t require any hormonal support. Hopefully, there are other options for ovulation stimulation that will work for you. All the best.
1 in 8 women have infertility.
1 in 4 women have miscarried or lost an unborn baby. No one talks about this much.
My son and DIL are a success story.
They did experience failures along the way. After their first IVF, they got the devastating news that they didn’t even have a single embryo. It was a very low point. Then on second IVF, there was only one viable egg that implanted, and she miscarried. On the third, they harvested four eggs and only two viable. Both eggs were used and one implanted successfully. Today, they have a soon to be two year old. And shortly after the first child had turned ten months old, my DIL found out she had become pregnant naturally with her second, who is now 5 months old.
It is an incredibly expensive procedure. I appreciate your looking at your finances.
She sent out this link to her family and friends and I hope it helps others and you. https://www.whattoexpect.com/news/getting-pregnant/what-moms-struggle-infertility-want-you-know/?xid=nl_pregnancy_20180425&fbclid=IwAR1c6X__ltG_V5RMpF67adFRkwyZ0aMG8TmwygV-q5vMk1uuteAPwF-It48
