<p>Room with a high school friend or take chances on someone new. I think familiarity may breed contempt and potentially ruin a good friendship. But the security of knowing one's roomate in advance is attractive to my kid. What do others think?</p>
<p>I'm ruled by the wisdom given out by deans at several freshman orientations that the qualities you look for, hope for, pray for if you're so oriented!, are similar habits (not identical) and basic courtesy/kindness/consideration of the practicalities of living in a small space together. Put simply: you're roommate doesn't have to become your friend, in order to be a great roommate. </p>
<p>Roommates also help expand one's horizon when they make a second circle of friends, not subject to the approval as friends by the other person. My non-sporty D enjoyed seeing how an athlete organizes herself and became secondary friends with the entire tennis team, which she'd otherwise NEVER get to know. I had a roommate who was an opera singer, who sang me awake each morning such that I didn't need an alarm clock that year. She was from San Francisco, I was from Baltimore...how else could we have ever met? </p>
<p>Those are good examples. My S, in freshman year, was put into a tripled-up-double (gaah, awful, 3 boys in a room built for 2, was torn down the following year). One drank, vomited, brought in his drunken friends who fell upon his musical instrument which he saved with a swoop...the other kid was an experienced preppie who knew to spend all his time in the labs, so he absented himself; caused no problems yet provided no friendship, either. The prep roommate was unphased by any dorm troubles, had his coping technique in place! S moved out midyear to better quarters by staying alert in a French class to hear they were looking for freshmen mid-year (jr. yr. abroad vacancies) so he moved in and had a pleasant, culturally expanding second half of the year, just as one would hope! </p>
<p>So what if the two friends looked at each other for the usual roommate qualities of neatness, bedtimes, noise to make sure they're not an "Odd Couple" (Oscar and Felix). Could they make some understandings not to rule in or out potential new friends to a friendship circle, as they might have in high school. If so, then they might both save themselves some grief and feel more confident to leave home. </p>
<p>Have fun with it and make a home quiz they could each check off "as if" they didn't know each other to see if they could be good roommates.</p>
<p>From what I read, the biggest issue is smoking v. nonsmoking and other than that, most non-compatibilities can be negotiated with headphones, bedside lights and the rest. Even if they go as friends they'll still need to grow to learn to live together like sisters.</p>
<p>In general, there is a reason why only freshman have to be roomed by lottery. Upperclassmen, given a choice, always want to pick someone they know, even with flaws rather than throw themselves open to a new lottery each year. Still, there are also upperclass lottery stories that work out great, too.</p>
<p>Paying3 makes very good points.</p>
<p>In theory, I would argue for not straining a friendship and opening oneself up to new experiences via the lottery. </p>
<p>Though through the experiences of my 3 kids (who all have very different personalities) none faired well with the lottery system. All for different reasons. None of their stories were particularly horrendous--just added to the stress of adjusting to life away from home, in a new environment and where they knew few if any other students. Most of their problems centered around the issues of messy vs neat, night vs day people, partier vs nonpartier, and overnight guests.</p>
<p>If these issues could be talked out between your kid and the friend beforehand and mutual agreements settled upon--I would think that major problems could be avoided.</p>
<p>My instinct is to go with someone new despite the risk. I was never best friends with any of my roommates, but I learned from all of them - everyone had different interests and came from very different backgrounds.</p>
<p>just thought of another wrinkle -- 2 girls from our previous small rural town agreed to go off to Emory U together (scareeee!!) and chose to room together BUT also agreed before leaving that it would only be a one-year arrangement. No matter how good or bad the other thought it worked out, they vowed to find new roommates for subsequent years. Very thoughtful. It worked for them.</p>
<p>Yours might find, oddly, a "it's not fair" feeling from all the other freshman trying to figure out their new roommates, as if they had an unfair advantage!
It is another topic and a bonding ritual to figure this all out and they'll have it all neatly sewn up. So weigh that into the equation as well. If they have floor-level meetings at the dorms, perhaps the others would consider it unfair as if they're a voting bloc of sorts on dorm decision-making. Our schools all had votes, for example, whether to make bathrooms single gender or coed, decided during freshman orientation. </p>
<p>Our kids all had meetings during Freshman Orientation with their Resident Advisors, who were trained reasonably well to help roommates negotiate the early understandings, or later in the term would meet and do conflict resolution. Their college believed strongly that most roommate stresses could be solved at this level, and made it very hard to break up a pairing unless there was genuine (by adult standards) reason to disrupt everything to let one move out. If it doesn't work out, in other words, don't count on running to the Housing Office to have them break it up readily. More likely they'll want the pair to counsel it out with an RA, was our experience at 1 college. With my S at the other college, all he had to do was present the solution to Housing and they gave him the green light to move out, but he found the solution himself. And there were spaces (spring semester) at French House, plus no need to refill a double with a third boy, they just left it a double.
(The other boy subsequently had several DUI's, nearly killed someone, and the school required him to go home for a term and get the AA help he needed before he resumed and graduated.) So that was an extreme case, obviously, but I'm showing how bad it can get and that my S had a real problem roommate there. He wasn't overreacting to slight differences in style which all kids can learn to accept. </p>
<p>This sounds like a good one to give a Mom opinion once but let them live it out, for better or worse. I wouldn't get heavy about it, even if you think they choose wrongly. They'll work it out on campus, as long as it's THEIR choice.</p>
<p>I talked to my D about this very same question. She and her BEST friend decided they wanted to have a new room-mate assigned and that way they could expand their circle of friends. They could also be there for the other should they run into road blocks.</p>
<p>I think it might be a mistake for really close friends to room together, but I see no harm in rooming with an acquaintance from high school whose personal habits are known to be compatible with your own. Two people like that are unlikely to cling to each other, and the process is similar to what will happen later on in college, when students often room with people whom they know vaguely and think they could stand living with.</p>
<p>Some schools will allow you to request hallmates. If the friends could live together on the same hall, they would each potentially bring a new friend to the picture through their roommates and, yet, could still enjoy each other throughout the year. Is that a possibility?</p>
<p>Oooh, nice compromise, 2vu0609 !</p>
<p>Our son decided to room with an unknown. His remaining HS friends at the same school all paired up with each other. Two now aren't getting along (but still roommates so uncomfortable), and others are OK. S hasn't complained about his roommate but does not socialize with him. S is pairing up with some hallmates next year. His HS friends are all moving off campus next year and staying together as a group. He still sees them and does stuff with them as much as he probably would if he were one of the roommates. They did all chose different frats (and S chose no frat), so although still friends they have all managed to branch out as well.</p>
<p>Mirimom, Is your "kid" male or female? My S and his best friend chose to room together as freshmen. They are both involved in the same time consuming EC and thought it would be a good idea to have a roommate who shared the same wacky schedule. They had spent enough time together in h.s. to know that they shared enough of the same habits and preferences to avoid the problems that sometimes cause grief among roommates. </p>
<p>Of course being "the Mom" I asked him repeatedly if this was going to be a bad thing because you always hear "don't room with your best friend". S assured me that this was a "girl problem" and that guys (being the sensitive humans they are)" don't get upset over stuff". I decided it was his decision to make and if it didn't work out he would have nobody but himself to blame.</p>
<p>He is now almost finished with soph. year. He and same best friend/roommate moved off campus to an apartment this year and were joined by another h.s friend plus a new friend from across the country. They are at our big state u where lots of kids from their h.s. attend but they have made friends from all over through their EC and just meeting people in the dorm last year. Rooming with his friend(s) has worked out well for S. They plan to stay in their apartment together for 2 more years (until graduation).</p>
<p>I guess I probably should be worrying. Daughter who graduates in May is moving to another school to pursue another interest. She is getting an apt. with her younger cousin--so we are going to add in "family" as roommate and 3.5 yr. age difference---could be a problem....?</p>
<p>I told both girls that if they had problems, keep it between themselves. I DID NOT want the family pulled in!</p>
<p>These guys aren't BEST friends, but they are good friends. One wierd thing is that we are paying full price, and this other kid is getting $35K need-based aid. Yet each of his divorced parents lives in a nicer house than ours, he went to a tony private school, and has his own car. It all doesn't add up, but we've joked that I'm paying for both of them. My son will have to work 20 hours a week to afford his extremely expensive school; his friend and potential roomate will not. This alone could be a sticking point. It is hard to decide. My son says he thinks it would be better to know you'll be with someone you like, but I am trying to talk him out of it for the reasons everyone has cited (broadening experience, etc.) I would hate to see the friendship between these two end, though, because this other kid is a really good person.</p>
<p>Add in my vote for the lottery, for the reasons already stated. Additionally, it sounds as if you and your son resent this other boy a bit for the way finances worked out. If your son is going off to do work study while this kid is off driving his new car--well, I just don't see that working out too well.</p>
<p>I, too, think it's better to take the chance in the lottery to expand your network. My D is taking a different approach. She has already been talking to a girl that she met up with on accepted student day. I overheard them talking about being roommates on that day. Last Friday, D walks in after school with the phone to her ear talking about linens and blow dryers. This girl had called her about being roommates again. So, D is in full getting ready to leave mode. I quickly did a search online for a roommate questionnaire since we haven’t received one yet. They took 2 different ones and D swears that they both answered them truthfully and they basically answered the questions the same. D doesn’t see why she should take a chance with the school matching her up when she has already done that. I’m concerned she’s limiting herself. I’m afraid that both my D and this other girl are latching onto the first person that they meet. They’ve been talking on the phone every few days since accepted student day. So, it begins....</p>
<p>another vote for the lottery. if your child turns out to like the randomly-selected roommate, that's an extra friend (some of my best friends from college are people I roomed with). And if the random roommate is a disaster, there will always be a high school friend's room to hang out in! If you live with the high school roommate and it goes bad, it will be harder to find a place to 'escape' to.</p>
<p>All of you parents who are supporting the lottery system clearly haven't experienced a child with the roommate from hell. Freshman year is difficult enough with the adjustment of being away from home and learning to manage their time efficiently, etc. Their dorm room is their only sanctuary. If the roommate doesn't respect that and makes life a living hell in the room, that leaves your child with no place to go. The main thing you want is for the roommates to respect each other's quiet time, play time, neatness, cleanliness, study time, sleep time. That should be easy enough to find out from a h.s. acquaintence/friend. If it's a match, I say go for it. And worrying about latching on to someone your child may have met at an accepted student day is ridiculous. At the beginning of Freshman year, EVERYBODY latches onto the people they meet early on until they feel comfortable enough to expand their horizons. </p>
<p>There is no more of a chance of a horrible roommate situation with somebody you already know than with one randomly selected. At least if you already know the person, you can discuss study habits, sleep habits, etc. in advance to determine if you can live in harmony.</p>
<p>Agree acinva, if mine had had the choice I would not have pushed them towards lottery.</p>
<p>First child--had a roommate who was a total slob. Left food rotting in room. Wouldn't get up for classes and his mother called every morning sometimes 5 or 6 times before he would answer the phone. He stayed up all night on IM, listening to stereo, insisted he had to have lights on and refused to compromise at all after meeting with RA and Dean of Housing. Son spent 2nd semester on floor of a friend's room. (School did offer to move son, but no singles available and he felt the devil he knew...)</p>
<p>2nd child--roommate went out to party every night, came in after 2 or 3am, would turn on TV, stereo or computer. Burned incense (even after d. told her it gave her migraines). When d. found drugs in room she threatened to turn girl in, so girl did move out 2nd semester.</p>
<p>3rd child--issues not as big--but very poor fit for each other. Roommate again stayed up all night--mainly talking to gf on cell phone and playing video games--wouldn't get up until afternoon. Son had all 8am classes.</p>
<p>Private rooms are the way to go!!!</p>
<p>Another vote here for a friend from home, which is what D is doing in the fall. At my small LAC, you could only room with someone they picked for you; my freshman roommate was a semi-disaster (we were total opposites). A nice girl, but not someone I wanted to live with.</p>
<p>D's new roomie is a very good friend of hers and were in not that they live over 20 miles from each other, they'd probably be joined at the hip. In fact, she calls H and I "Mom" and "Dad" and my sister-in-law (who lives withi us) "auntie."</p>
<p>The only reservation I have with DD's new roommate is that this girl is clingy and may not be able to make her own circle of friends easily (my D is very outgoing and people are naturally drawn to her). I can see this being a problem somewhere down the road, when D wants to do her own thing, and roomie wants to tag along uninvited. </p>
<p>Ah well, it will all work out in the end.</p>
<p>I'm going to respectfully disagree with acinva. I know what it's like to have the "roommate from hell" while being in a new place--I just did it in grad school instead of college! </p>
<p>it's just that if you get an awful roommate at random, you can "escape" and hang out in your high school friend's room and you can try to get a new roommate. if your high school friend turns out to be an awful roommate, then you've lost a friend and you have no other room to "escape" to.</p>