I and many of my friends all have new college freshman. Students are now a few weeks into college, and many students seem to either just coexist with roommates, or actively dislike each other. It seems as if these relationships are established in a matter of days. Does this pattern change for the better as the year progresses? It’s actually uncommon to hear of roommates that get along great. Or is it totally variable? Curious.
I’ll guess that it varies by the type of school, type of dorm, and how kids are matched up. My D met her future roommate on the school’s “Group Me”. It seemed that they agreed on so many things from the discussions the kids were having and decided to room together. They’ve been inseparable since move-in day, and have a 3rd girl who is good friends with both of them. They’re already invited to the roommate’s home for spring break. D and her RM picked matching room colors, decided who was bringing what accessories, the fridge, etc. and all that way before move in. The girls are able to talk to each other, bounce problems of one another, and do errands and help each other out. I’m sure this is related to their lack of homesickness.
Other kids in her class met and chose roommates during Scholars’ Weekend in April-some are getting along better than others. Yet some randomly chosen roommates are getting along fine. I’m sure there’s no magic formula.
I think your D’s school is one that discourages kids from requesting roommates, as is the case with a bunch of the LACs, my D’s included. The thought is, that many kids choose someone they barely know and end up with a bad match, as well as at certain schools, fostering a sense of community early on is very important, and they feel that can be better achieved with the school doing the matching.
That being said, I know several kids at schools where they were allowed to pick and did so, and the results range from bffs, to requesting and getting a new roommate assignment within the 1st 2 weeks, to getting along but not really friends. I think it is very tricky in the beginning, because very early on you know if you can truly be close friends with the person. If the answer is no, and one of the roommates, forms a friend group before the other, it can get awkward. Like does the one invite the roommate to eat with her or go to events with her and her group even if there is no common friendship ground? If she does, is it awkward? If she doesn’t is it rude? I think it does get easier once everyone is up and running with friends and once the small talk/ trying to impress everyone stuff dies down.
And you do always hear nice stories of roommates with different interests and friend groups, sticking together for all 4 yrs, because they are compatible living together.
D and her roommate took a while to click. Last year this time, I’m not sure D would have thought they were destined to be friends. Eventually, though they bonded, and they’re close and supportive friends to one another now. I’m proud of both girls for keeping at it and getting over the initial uneasiness with one another.
My D got along well enough with her roommate but had to go to the RA’s to get some of the roomie’s friends banned from her room when she walked in and caught them rifling through her stuff. The roommate wasn’t there, either, but she had given them the code to get in. That led D to apply to become an RA herself and so she had no roommate the rest of her college career.
My son co-existed with his first year roommate. The second year, he opted to live in a suite with “friends.” Midway through the year, one of them spiked something he was eating and he became very sick, hallucinating and had to be taken to the ER. He didn’t tell us and finished out the spring semester. We ultimately wound up getting a retroactive medical withdrawal, but that’s a different story. The next year, he started out with a roommate but midway through the first semester, he called me begging to be put into a private room, which I agreed to. This year, he initially planned to live off campus but I didn’t like the terms of the lease so he stayed on campus with a roommate. The other day, he called to tell me that, on his own, he applied for and was moved to a single. This time, he is paying the difference. I really think that the thing with his second year suite mates scared him to the point that he doesn’t want to be in a room with anyone else. At home, he sleeps with S17. I guess the upside is that this year, he dealt with the issue himself and didn’t need me to get him the single.
My H, OTOH, is still friends with him college roommates from almost 40 years ago, at least some of them.
Maybe we don’t hear so often about the roommates who don’t get along so great because the lack of drama isn’t so interesting:-)
If you remember from last year this time, my D was having a difficult time engaging with her two roommates (she was in a forced triple). Both had formed their friends’ groups before D arrived; #1 was international, from Greece, and arrived two weeks earlier with the rest of the international students who apparently formed their own clique and #2 had spent many weeks there that summer and hooked back up with those same kids, leaving my D on the outside looking in. There were no real issues such as stealing or anything but there also wasn’t much conversation and there were few invites to join in. There was disagreement about noise/light hours but D just bided her time. She knew going in that having a roommate, never mind 2, might be difficult because she is a light sleeper and goes to bed early, rises early.
She requested a room change and was given a single half way through the semester, which presents another set of problems for the shy or introverted student. She has stayed friendly with one of the girls although they do not socially hang together, the other she was happy to leave behind lol.