<p>I’m an SAT tutor and this was the first post I saw today, so you get my free advice. :)</p>
<p>You’re on the right track with your ideas, but this intro still needs work. The main problem is that your word choice and structure are often confusing. Let’s go through your sentences:</p>
<p>1st: Without any doubt, our goals can be achieved solely by originality and creativity.</p>
<p>Good start. Your thesis is presented first and you’ve picked a clear position. As a reader, I expect the next couple of sentences to elaborate on this point or offer more reasons why you believe this.</p>
<p>–</p>
<p>2nd: Imitation does not only restricts our ability to innovate but also enhances our dependence on others. </p>
<p>Be careful with this structure: It’s not quite right. This should read: “Imitation not only restricts our ability to innovate, but also enhances our dependence on others.”</p>
<p>–</p>
<p>3rd: On the other hand, originality encourages a person to relay on himself/herself rather than on people,yet many critics argue that success can be reached only by imitation of others.</p>
<p>Here’s where it gets confusing. “On the other hand” is a phrase used to introduce an opposing point or a contrasting idea. For example, you can say something like: “On the one hand, I’d love to have a dog. On the other hand, taking care of a dog would be a huge responsibility.” But saying that originality encourages people to rely on themselves is the exact same point that you just made in the last sentence. There isn’t actually a contrast here. In fact, there really isn’t any new information presented in this sentence. A strong sentence needs to add new detail or nuance. For example:</p>
<p>“Though many critics argue that success can be reached only by imitation of others, the truth is that constantly looking outside ourselves for ideas keeps us from growing. People need to come up with their own solutions in order to gain confidence and eventually find success.”</p>
<p>This kind of sentence adds on to your last point - the idea that imitation is restricting in several ways - and helps build a more complete picture. It says more about WHY imitation is negative and HOW. Also, in general, if you want to present the opposing side of your argument at the beginning, start with the critics so you can knock them down in the second half of the sentence: “Though many critics believe X, the truth is Y…”</p>
<p>(Tip: To avoid the awkward himself/herself setup, avoid using the singular “a person” and instead use “people” so you can say “themselves.”)</p>
<p>–</p>
<p>4th and 5th: These myopic advocates are too dogmatic in their provincial creeds. Three salient paradigims confirms the veracity of this assertion including Steve Jobs,Chinese history and the novel “Life Experience”. </p>
<p>These last two sentences are extremely awkward. You’re right, they come off as stuffed with vocab words - and it is obvious that you are using these words without being familiar with how they are typically used. This will distract your reader. Never, ever use a word for the first time in your SAT essay; it is very unlikely that you will use it correctly. I suggest that you come up with a formulaic way to present your examples (since you will be able to reuse that structure in every essay) that uses strong vocabulary that you are comfortable with. There are quite a few posts in this forum and SAT essay books that can help you come up with one.</p>
<p>I’d delete the 4th sentence and focus on strengthening the one in which you provide your examples. </p>
<p>The intro is a crucial part of the essay because it’s where you present your thesis and introduce your examples, but it really isn’t where the “meat” lies. What distinguishes a strong essay from a weak one is always the content of the paragraphs that follow. Focus on writing intros that present a clear thesis and provide a couple of distinct reasons for your argument using varied sentence structure. That’s all it needs to do. One or two 5-dollar words is a nice bonus, but you want to focus on setting up a clear argument first.</p>
<p>Hope this helps. Best of luck!</p>