SAT Essay Study Group

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
121

OK, I have this essay. I’ll be happy to hear your critique :

SAT December 2014 :
Prompt 1 :

Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.

In decision making, we usually follow a reasoned process: weighing pros and cons, talking things over with a friend, and drawing on our past actions and experiences. In snap judgments—decisions that we make on the spot, with no reflection beforehand—we do not follow such a methodical decision-making process. Everything tells us that relying on snap judgments is unwise. We make such decisions, however, because they ultimately work out better than decisions to which we give a lot of thought.

Assignment: Are snap judgments better than decisions to which people give a lot of thought? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations

Essay :

In dictionaries, judgment is defined as the act of taking a position from an issue or a dilemma with wisdom, wit and calm-analysis. As far as I am concerned, I do believe that quick and rapid decisions are by no mean an effective ways to solve a problem, people should make a deep reflection in order to get an accurate decision.

Blunders in policymaking abound but giving such a vital historical decision thoughtlessly and with no careful analysis to reality is not only impetuous but also catastrophic. Following 1947 UN’s Partition Plan for Palestine, Arab authorities’ unified yet snap judgment to the status quo was to directly start the war. Dramatically, Arabs lost the war, lost more land and suffered for years due to the collapse of the economy. Additionally, the Middle East turned into a high-tension zone, the status of no-war and no peace served to widen the gap between the two people and nations strove continuously from the woes of successive wars in 1948, 1967, 1953 and 1973. If Arab rulers at that time thought of a wise judgment to set-up the conflict from the beginning and started long-term negotiations with their counterpart and gave a lot of thought to their decision, The Middle East would probably be stable, harmonic and tolerant. Ultimately, snap judgment were not only disastrous moment but haunted future generations as well, for a long time.

Similarly, The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka also illustrates this theme. In fact, Gregor’s improvident decision to leave his room has led to his demise. Previously in the novella, Gregor body’s started to transform. He became to have trouble with eating. His behavior changed and his human side faded away progressively. Therefore, he transformed into an actual beast, a vermin insect. One day, he felt annoyed and decided to visit his sister in order to listen to her playing piano. He went to her directly without thinking what a reaction she could have. Shocked by his appearance, his mother fainted and his sister was horrified. Finally, his family found that Gregor’s presence is too much to bear and so they must get rid of him. Tragically, Gregor passed away silently. Had he restrained himself and thought about the consequence, he would probably have a better fate.

A thoughtful analysis of Arab-Israeli conflict origin and of Kafka’s novella prove that it’s vital to weight our decisions and to be long-sighted. Snap decisions are rather a tantamount to failure, chaos and destruction.

122

@Dawn001 I like the way you started with the introduction. Dictionary-definition intros tend to look boring and unimaginative but yours does the exact opposite. Also it is evident that you have a wide range of vocabulary.
However, you still have few grammar errors,( such as Gregor body’s,…)
The second body paragraph seems a bit weak to me as I don’t clearly get how it ties to the thesis.
Apart from that, I’d give you a 9.

123

@ Dawn001

So here’s my critique for you [sorry…not particularly winks…SAT Vocab Word adroit with technology]. Also…if it sounds harsh…sorry…but yeah… ^^

  1. Try to stay away from first person [I, me, our etc] and try to use third person [like he, she]. For example, "I do believe" is sort of redundant, since it's your essay and I guess that it's kind of obvious that you would believe this.
  2. Body Paragraph 1: Maybe provide more details, like how this decision was one of "snap judgement"
  3. Body Paragraph 2: Talk about who the characters are and give some background. For example, who was Gregor and why would leaving his room lead to his demise?
  4. Conclusion: maybe don't use "a thoughtful analysis"...instead, "the story of" or "the examples of" may be better

BUT nice use of vocab…because you sound really smart with it
If you have any questions just reply to me or something and I’ll answer them
Also, I’ve heard that hypotheticals aren’t really “evidence”…but I don’t know for sure…but yeah

I'd give your essay a....4 or a 5 (but others may give you a 6.... first person in formal essays is just something that bugs me. Also, having more context would probably be helpful to the reader).

If you have a chance, can you also critique my essay? [It probably really sucks compared to yours…but it would really mean a lot to me if I could get your comments~]

http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1807786-sat-essay-critique-please.html?new=1

124

@loverofthearts You have a very solid essay, and I love your vivid usage of vocabulary. You also developed your points very well even though there was one instance in which I didn’t completely understand the syntax [Doesn’t “make pretty” → However students all over the country are required to read]. I like how you provide context. One tip [I guess…but this is stylistic] would be to try to expand on why it is so important that this book is realistic, such as talking about why it’s important that the reader’s trust this book’s message (like maybe about how this is important to the author’s purpose or something).
There isn’t much to critique. And I [as 1 grader] would give you a solid 6.

If you have time, would it be possible for you to critique my essay? Its level nowhere near your essay’s level, but your feedback would mean a lot to me. Thanks for your time~
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1807786-sat-essay-critique-please.html?new=1

125

Should we care just as much about people in other countries as we do about people in our own country?

Realizing that we should care just as much about people in other countries than people in our own is a crucial ingredient for societal development. A plethora of examples from the worlds of business, politics and history categorically prove that caring more about our own people can prove to be catastrophic.

In the renowned 1987 case of Chevron ,an American petroleum company, it was Chevron’s direct lack of care for Nigerian citizens that caused a rise in oil prices for Americans. Chevron was known for mistreating Nigerian workers in its Nigerian oil extraction facilities in comparison to how American workers were treated in Chevron facilities in the U.S.A. Chevron would force Nigerian workers to work tedious hours and expose them to toxic substances such as arsenic while not paying them anything near to what american workers were payed. Chevron justified its actions by claiming that this would ensure low oil prices for Americans even though the Nigerian government repeatedly urged Chevron to cease exploiting and abusing Nigerian workers. This eventually led the Nigerian government to revokes Chevrons oil extraction permits in 1989 reducing the global output and supply of oil by over one hundred thousand barrels a day.This caused global oil prices to rise significantly harming u.s residents. Hence, Chevron’s actions undoubtedly prove that we should care equally about people as the price rise that u.s residents faced were much higher than if Chevron treated its Nigerian workers properly.

Another relevant example would be Saddam Hussein’s complete lack of empathy for Kuwaiti citizens in the 1989 Gulf war. Saddam Hussein , the past leader of Iraq, invaded the defenseless state of Kuwait ruthlessly on September 2nd in order steal Kuwait’s oil. Saddam ordered his soldiers to kill any non Iraqi citizen in Kuwait no matter their age, gender or political affiliation while treating Iraqis very well. This led to the massacre of thousands of innocents Kuwaitis who previously did not mind Saddam Hussein to take over Kuwait but now despised him and led to the formation of an armed grouped that eventually toppled Saddam Hussein’s rule in Kuwait with the aid of U.S forces. This example therefor undeniably proves that caring about people is necessary as Saddam Hussein could have easily taken over Kuwait if he had cared equally about Kuwaiti and Iraqi citizens.

Finally, the U.S generous economic aid (Marshall plan) to the allied forces people after world war 2 that caused the U.S to be one of the greatest military powers today. The allied forces had just defeated Nazi Germany and Europe’s people as a whole were in a critical situation. Europeans countries pleaded the U.S for aid but at the same time, Americans had just experienced a stock market crash and lost a considerable amount of money. This meant that the U.S government had to make a choice wether to help its own people or people in Europe. The U.S decided to split the fund it intended to spend on the stock market in half in order to spend the other half to aid people in Europe. This resulted in Europe and its people to be able to reconstruct themselves and help the U.S.A in all of its future wars. Hence, this example ultimately proves that caring as much about our own people and people in other countries is crucial as the U.S reaped huge benefits.

After a careful analysis of Chevrons 1987 case in Nigeria, Saddam Hussein’s invasion of Kuwait and the Marshall plan, it is without a shadow of doubt that caring just as much about people in other countries than people in our own country is indeed necessary. Not caring equally can prove deadly.

126

@Sharecentury :
Your introduction need more work. The thesis should be more clear and straightforward.
1st example:
I think that the first example of oil company is not really tied to the thesis. You tried hard to do so but there’s a lack of analysis and thoroughness.
2nd example:
Your lucky, the grader will not be Arab because the way you talked about Sadam Hussein Invasion of Kuwait is too subjective and biased. You have to take these subjects with a pinch of salt especially hot political subjects.
Additionally, you used verbs like “To steal” which is appropriate in academic writing. Plus, the way you analyzed the problem is too simplistic. You even flagrantly falsified history and everyone with little knowledge of history will detect the inconsistency of the argument because even if Saddam treated Kuwait citizen’s equally with Iraqi, Iraq will never accept the invasion.
PS: The invasion was in 1990. You need to check your data.
PPS: Saddam Hussein’s goal was not to “steal” oil because Iraq has enough gas and oil. Some historians interpret his aims as prescient. They concluded that he wanted to limit western influence in Arab Gulf.
3rd example:
The example is fine. Actually your last sentence saved you.
Your conclusion is good.
There are some grammar mistakes.
Your essay is a 9 because I think you filled 2 pages (Tell me if I am wrong). The grading system is too mechanic.

127

Many people believe that “closed doors make us creative.” These people argue that obstacles and restrictions are necessary, for without them we could never be forced to come up with new solutions. But “closed doors”, either in the form of specific obstacles or a lack or opportunities, often prevent people from reaching their full creative potential.
Do closed doors make us creative?

Ever since the dawn of civilization, we humans have had to face numerous obstacles in order to reach the stage we have today. We had to fight wars to resolve conflicts, kill in order to survive and hunt in order to live. But looking back, one can only wonder if obstacles have truly made us stronger and better, creative and intelligent. Indeed, the time, energy and resource spent on jumping those obstacles, if properly amassed, could’ve been used to solve other, perhaps more significant, issues. This concept can be illustrated using examples from history and psychology.

World War II, as history has witnessed, has been one of the most devastating wars in human history. Innocents had been murdered, families had been separated and babies left orphans. In order to win the arms race at that time, the fighting nations had to use every financial resource at their disposal to build war machineries and weapons. Scientists created deadly chemical and biological weapons and science, for the first time in human history, became an instrument of mass destruction. Although due to the “creativity” of the allied nations the conflict was resolved, the horrendous effect it left on them leaves us wondering on whether there truly was a winner.

Another example that can perhaps best illustrate the ineffectiveness of the closed door policy is modern psychological research. Dr. Richard Restak, in his book “The New Brain”, effectively tells us the rather horrendous effects restrictions and obstacles have on the human brain. According to his research, the human brain, when faced with restrictions and absolute authority, starts to malfunction and gives rise to a rebellious and disaffected, and in worse cases an absolutely passive, attitude. Thousands of individuals have been diagnosed with this phenomenon and the number keeps growing exponentially.

In contrast, one doesn’t have to look very far but to the time we live in to see the positive effects open doors and opportunities have shown. Now in the 21st century, when education and liberal arts breathe across every household, human advancement in every field is increasing at a pace unmatched in history. Advancements, which could’ve only been dreams of the most imaginative thinkers of the past, are now things we take for granted and at this pace, it’s not long before we humans become the sole masters of the universe.

In conclusion, closed doors and obstacles, instead of promoting a healthy and creative society, might doom us all to an age of limited thinking and narrow-mindedness.

128

@Sharecentury
i would give yours a 10, but too much don’t u think?

129

I’ve been busy lately. I replied to some commenters and gave some feedbacks.
This is my newely written essay.

SAT May 2015 Essay:

Prompt 1
Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.
Many people believe that loyalty—whether to an individual, an organization, or a nation—means unconditional and unquestioning support no matter what. To these people, the withdrawal of support is by definition a betrayal of loyalty. But doesn’t true loyalty sometimes require us to be critical of those we are loyal to? If we see that they are doing something that we believe is wrong, doesn’t true loyalty require us to speak up, even if we must be critical?

Assignment: Does true loyalty require unconditional support? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

Essay:

Loyalty is defined as the personal trait which impels an individual to stay unwavering behind another body - be it an organization or a whole nation - through troughs and peaks, rain and sun. But doesn’t such resolve imply a degree of concern? And isn’t approval of strategies that stymie the progress of an organization incompatible with concern and tantamount to apathy? It certainly is. Great epitomes of virtue and loyalty exemplify the validity of such thread of thought.

U.S. history is replete with memorable figures who spoke up against a government’s actions out of loyalty and concern. J. Robert Oppenheimer, “The Father of the Atomic Bomb”, is one of those individuals. The affectionate codename of his “Little Boy” did not match its horrendous and morally reprehensible power to destroy mankind, which Oppenheimer witnessed in Hiroshima. Realizing that the further use of such a weapon would not only stymie the progress of America and the world, but also prove detrimental to them, he spoke eloquently against the hydrogen bomb during the Cold War. This action of his was considered treacherous against the U.S. and “soft” on communism, branding him a turncoat. He was, however, only guided by his impeccable sense of loyalty to mankind and concern for furthering the nation.

Literature characters gave us a straightforward example on how it’s vital to defy authority when it turns into an abusive regime. Boxer, a cart-horse in George Orwell’s Animal Farm, illustrates this theme. He is described as the farm’s most dedicated and loyal laborer. Boxer serves as an allegory for the Russian working-class who helped to out the Tsar Nicholas II and establish the Soviet Union, but were eventually betrayed by the Stalinists. Boxer cares, looks out for the other animals and when they are hungry he makes sure somehow they get food. Boxer has various mottos that define his personality, such as: “I will work harder.” and “Napoleon is always right.” This accurately represents his loyal characteristic. Boxer fights in the Battle of the Cowshed and the Battle of the Windmill and gave an unconditional support to pigs rule. When he collapses from overwork, the pigs say they have sent him to a veterinarian, when they sent him to the knacker’s yard to be slaughtered, in exchange for money to buy whiskey. Despite being a strong and loyal draft horse and playing a huge part in keeping the Farm together prior to his death, the pigs let him down when he needs help. Had he looked closely, analyzed pigs’ evil intentions and criticized their atrocities, he could probably escape his tragic fate. Unfortunately, his blind support led to his demise because he viewed loyalty as tantamount to total obedience even if the rulers are abusive and oppressive.

Through a thoughtful analysis of some bold American figures and of Boxer’s character in Animal farm, one may assert that constructive criticism and challenging are the marks of true loyalty. To go further sometimes unconditional support leads to subversive results.

130

@Dawn001
Excellent. High 10, low 11 range

131

Hey Dawn002 , Thanks for taking a look at my essay!

  1. How could have I made my thesis clearer? DO you have examples of some introductions that are perfect? Could you try writing an introduction for this essay?
  2. On the Gulf War, considering this essay will be read by a U.S reader who is in favor ( most likely) of the U.S and its past actions. About the data in the essay, I thought facts didn't matter and you could make up stuff and they wouldn't use it against you, am I wrong?

3.How could I have improved the first example?

  1. Should I put 2 or 3 examples?
  2. How many lines on average per example paragraph?
  3. Are the beginnings of my example paragraph good?

Thanks a lot again!

132

Someone pls rate my essay above!

133

Hey guys I’m back with another essay! sorry I haven’t part taken the past couple days, been busy with school.

Prompt:
Is the world changing for the better or the worse?

Essay:
Some say that the world has been changing for the better while some say the world is getting worse. In someways; electric cars and renewable energy, the world is improving. On the other hand however we have climate change and civil inequalities also.
The world has been moving forward in many ways such as renewable energy so that we may combat climate change. However we also have oil companies conducting experiments to tell us that climate change is a conspiracy . Where do we turn to? Climate change is a natural, semi-predictable (to a couple hundred years) phenomenon. The human burning of fossil fuels has exponentially accelerated the rate the earth heats and cools each year. Ice core sampling in Antarctica has proven that carbon gasses that trap heat have increased at incredible rates causing the temperature to fluctuate larger and larger every year.
Civil rights movements from people such as Gandhi’s fight against English rule, Martian Luther’s 95 thesis’s against the church and, Martian Luther king’s fight against segregation. All these had in common where that they where movements to remove abusive uses of power. While these movements worked at the government level, the public still perceive people with their predetermined prejudices. With this also comes adversities that people with various ethnics and believes, places of origin, and gender struggle to over come. It actually be as great as a 20-30 percent difference or total inability to get a job.
So while the world is moving forward in ways, once you dig into the hard facts you find that the world is in a very stagnant position. As Newton stated “for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction,” this holds true outside physics and can work in every aspect of life.

134

@Dawn001, I would give your essay a 9-10, I think its a good essay but the opening is poorly worded. The diction doesn’t allow the paragraph to flow and can cause it to be misread. I like your use of vocabulary, it was impeccable, however it was over done in some areas. I also think that the ending wasn’t quite right, I can’t tell why but I don’t feel it ended the essay on a high note.

135

@Sharecentury, I hope I can provide some help to you.

  1. I don't know of a "perfect" opening, but I have had good success with a use of a quote, brief introduction, a summation of the question, a thesis sentence, and a intro into your first paragraph.

2.A. You can’t assume anything. You have to make the argument. Assuming someone agrees is detrimental, If they do, you can be in luck, but if they don’t they may get frustrated reading your essay.

2.B. You can make up facts as long as they are within reason and quoted back to semi-reputable source that could be believed.
ex: Einstein stated about his theory of relativity that he had not finished it and will continue to work until he completed it.
Most people don’t know anything about the science behind the theory, or how Einstein saw it but they may believe what you say of Einstein because he was a perfectionist. What ever example you do use, relate it back to your essay and give a brief lesson.

  1. I can't tell you how to improve it other than to use something completely different like congress's reconstruction plan during Andrew Johnson's presidency after the civil causing many, many issues that can still be seen today in some places.
  2. I prefer to use three but filling all the space provided is what you need to try and do with two or three well elaborated and supported examples that have a strong introduction and can flow to the next paragraph. .
  3. Average lines per paragraph isn't a real think on the SAT/ACT in my opinion as long as you can elaborate everything very well.
  4. I don't know how to help you with your sixth question sorry.
136

SAT January 2007:

Prompt 1
Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.

Many people believe that our government should do more to solve our problems. After all, how can one individual create more jobs or make roads safer or improve the schools or help to provide any of the other benefits that we have come to enjoy? And yet expecting that the government—rather than individuals—should always come up with the solutions to society’s ills may have made us less self-reliant, undermining our independence and self-sufficiency.

Assignment:
Should people take more responsibility for solving problems that affect their communities or the nation in general? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

Essay:
Governments, everywhere, are burdened with their duties which include solving stressing issues, building facilities and roads and improving public health care assistance. At this stage, individuals should take action and start their bold initiatives in order to make a valuable change no matter how small and local. People must be responsible to dedicate their talents, genuine and work, independently from governmental orders, in their communities.

U.S. history is replete with features that illustrate the idea of personal initiatives within one’s community. In the early 1900s, the U.S. was overwhelmed with an unprecedented state of corruption and economic inequality. In the Gilded Age, the Robber Barons controlled every sector in industry, be it oil, shipping, mining, railroads, steel etc. All these domains were “ruled” by greedy lobbyists. While J. Rockefeller and Vanderbilt accumulated astronomical amounts of wealth, laborers were eating insalubrious food and living in squalor conditions. When the status quo became unbearable, some individuals, including Jane Adams, tried to rectify these injustices and to fight against disparity. Along with other volunteers, Jane raised funds to help immigrants. She established a settlement where she provided women laborer with food, health assistance and shelter. Also, she introduced several campaigns to raise awareness about the issue of monopolies, corruption and injustice. A bunch of citizens, afterwards, also participated and protested against lobbyist influence in government. They called for a new commission led by experts not by lobbyists. Ultimately, they succeeded to deter Robber Barons from acquiring more power. The newly installed government started a wide range of reforms which retained the rights of workers and ensured a better work conditions for them. Taking the responsibility to improve their local community by themselves, citizens achieved national recognition and thus helped to solve a main dilemma in the United States.

Similarly, I can point to my personal experience during 2011 Tunisian Revolution. In fact, during the peak of protests, Tunisia was experiencing a state of instability and insecurity. Thieves and gangsters invaded the streets, robbing supermarkets, pillaging stores and amenities and terrorizing women and children. Tunisian citizens, including me, were determined to take action and stop the drain of national resources. Men went out by night, guarding neighborhoods, ensuring the safety of the roads and persecuting thieves. Tunisian’s actions were also vital to protect some other governmental sites from robbery and destruction. Finally, each neighborhood was secured and clear from gangsters and crooks by the end of January 2011. Ultimately, these actions stemmed from an inner sense of responsibility, taking place in local communities, were clinical to save lives and avoid losses.

Through a careful analysis of American Gilded Age and my own experience in my local Tunisian community, I come to the idea that expecting the government to deal with all dilemmas is not a valuable approach because governments are busy with bigger problems such as foreign policy and defense. That’s why people should move and leave their own fingerprints by helping to solve ills locally.

137

Good essay @Dawn001, few spelling and grammar errors however. Introduction paragraph was pretty rough. The wording did not convey a well synthesized sentence structure and some words where completely out of place as the reader (ex: genuine). And governmental should also be changed to government.

“People must be responsible to dedicate their talents, genuine and work, independently from governmental orders, in their communities.”

Besides that, it was an excellent essay, that you can do well with, the grammar, spelling and wording make me give this a 9-10.

BTW, Carnegie (320 billion modern estimate of worth) had more money than Vanderbilt (60 billion modern estimate of worth). And the government stepped in to de-monopolize these companies and force them to either sell or leave. Such as with Rockefeller (350 billion modern estimate of worth), he was forced to split “Standard Oil” into 14 companies of which he kept “NJ Standard Oil” for himself and re-bought all the companies within 8 years, where he was then forced by the government to sell everything and leave the oil business.

138

Many people believe that “closed doors make us creative.” These people argue that obstacles and restrictions are necessary, for without them we could never be forced to come up with new solutions. But “closed doors”, either in the form of specific obstacles or a lack or opportunities, often prevent people from reaching their full creative potential.
Do closed doors make us creative?

Ever since the dawn of civilization, we humans have had to face numerous obstacles in order to reach the stage we have today. We had to fight wars to resolve conflicts, kill in order to survive and hunt in order to live. But looking back, one can only wonder if obstacles have truly made us stronger and better, creative and intelligent. Indeed, the time, energy and resource spent on jumping those obstacles, if properly amassed, could’ve been used to solve other, perhaps more significant, issues. This concept can be illustrated using examples from history and psychology.

World War II, as history has witnessed, has been one of the most devastating wars in human history. Innocents had been murdered, families had been separated and babies left orphans. In order to win the arms race at that time, the fighting nations had to use every financial resource at their disposal to build war machineries and weapons. Scientists created deadly chemical and biological weapons and science, for the first time in human history, became an instrument of mass destruction. Although due to the “creativity” of the allied nations the conflict was resolved, the horrendous effect it left on them leaves us wondering on whether there truly was a winner.

Another example that can perhaps best illustrate the ineffectiveness of the closed door policy is modern psychological research. Dr. Richard Restak, in his book “The New Brain”, effectively tells us the rather horrendous effects restrictions and obstacles have on the human brain. According to his research, the human brain, when faced with restrictions and absolute authority, starts to malfunction and gives rise to a rebellious and disaffected, and in worse cases an absolutely passive, attitude. Thousands of individuals have been diagnosed with this phenomenon and the number keeps growing exponentially.

In contrast, one doesn’t have to look very far but to the time we live in to see the positive effects open doors and opportunities have shown. Now in the 21st century, when education and liberal arts breathe across every household, human advancement in every field is increasing at a pace unmatched in history. Advancements, which could’ve only been dreams of the most imaginative thinkers of the past, are now things we take for granted and at this pace, it’s not long before we humans become the sole masters of the universe.

In conclusion, closed doors and obstacles, instead of promoting a healthy and creative society, might doom us all to an age of limited thinking and narrow-mindedness.

139

Hi, I am an international student and I’m taking sat in some months, I need help with the critical reading section and the essay, can you help me?

140

Hey, guys! I am so glad that I’ve found this topic here!
I am an international student as well, and I’m looking for the ways to grade my essays. Could anybody, please, help me and evaluate some of them?