<p>Can the daily actions of average people have a significant impact on the course of history?
Please rate this essay 1-6. What do I need to improve on? What examples would you have chosen to write about?</p>
<pre><code> The daily actions of average people can have a significant impact on the course of history. People would live in a society that has no problems and has peace. People can have more jobs to support their families and live better lives. Martin Luther King Jr., and women who protested for rights, each had significant impacts on the course of history.
Martin Luther King Jr. fought for civil rights of blacks and whites. His "I Have A Dream" speech inspired the minds of many people. Before he made his speech, there was segregation in many areas. Blacks and whites had to use separate public facilities such as bathrooms, eating at restaurants, drinking at water fountains, and many other restrictions. Martin Luther King Jr. wanted to stop this segregation from moving on any furthur. So, he decided to protest, along with many other people, for civil rights. Later on, after he made his "I Have a Dream" speech, he was shot and killed. However, he made one very important accomplishment. This accomplishment was the end of segregation and civil rights for all blacks and whites.
Back then, women lacked many rights and opportunities. As a result, they began to protest. They believed that they should be equal to men. Women needed jobs, the right to vote, and the right to do whatever they wanted. However, they were limited by these restrictions. Women began protesting for rights and opportunities. In today's society, women have equal rights and opportunities as men such as the right to vote, and more jobs and opportunities.
Martin Luther King Jr., and women who protested for rights, had significant impacts on the course of history. Martin Luther King Jr. protested for civil rights and made his "I Have A Dream" speech. As a result, segregation was ended and blacks and whites gained civil rights. Women lacked rights and opportunities that men had. They decided to protest and are treated equally to men in today's society.
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<p>Your sentence structure seems very one-dimensional and is not going to wow the readers. Try varied structure with more elaborate transitions.</p>
<p>You don’t have clear topic sentences so I felt like I was reading one giant paragraph. You need topic sentences to separate your ideas and give a clear message. </p>
<p>You have good examples which always is a plus for the readers. However, you don’t analyze these situations. You show us the example and you say what happened as a result. Yet, you don’t analyze why those actions accomplished what they did. Thus, there is not much justification and your argument sounds weaker.</p>
<p>No conclusion paragraph is never a good sign. </p>
<p>Also, I sense a lack of “big picture”. Your thesis, while it conveys your position, does not show you are applying the prompt to a large-scale view that shows your mastery in understanding the implications of your position. While this is not always necessary, having this “big picture” view will ALWAYS get you a significantly higher score.</p>
<p>Overall, I rate this a 3 or 4 and probably a 7/8 with the combined scores.</p>
<p>sa0209’s advice is good, I guess I’ll just add some of my own input as well.</p>
<p>Honestly, I would give this a 3. Your thesis is just writing the prompt itself. The point of the thesis is to narrow down the prompt and it has to show where you’re going with it. It is way too broad. A good way to see it is that your thesis can be split into two parts, and your body paragraphs must identify both of these two parts. I’ll give you an example what I might put as a thesis:</p>
<p>“Anyone who strives to work hard for their dreams can change the world for the better.”</p>
<p>So in your essay, you will need to show: 1) How does Martin Luther work hard? and 2) How that results into making the world a better place, which is ending segregation.</p>
<p>Also, most of your essay you are just saying what Martin Luther did. It’s good you have lots of historical information, but how does this support your thesis? Why does it even matter? You also need a concluding paragraph to end it, it will be bad if the reader can’t locate a concluding paragraph. You need to be able to restate the thesis, summarize your essay, and then end the essay with a profound thought or statement.</p>