SAT essay

<p>Hello</p>

<p>I am currently studying for june SAT
and My biggest problem is essay
I practiced more than 20 full essays and I keep scoring 8.
What is keeping my essay from getting 12?</p>

<p>Here is my January SAT essay</p>

<p>Prompt:
Some see printed books as dusty remnants from the preelectronic age. They point out that electronic books, or e-books, cost less to produce than printed books and that producing them has a much smaller impact on natural resources such as trees. Yet why should printed books be considered obsolete or outdated just because there is something cheaper and more modern? With books, as with many other things, just because a new version has its merits doesn't mean that the older version should be eliminated.</p>

<p>Assignment:
Should we hold on to the old when innovations are available, or should we simply move forward? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<pre><code>The presupposition that we should adopt innovative method instead of traditional one is a categorical truth. Although some conservative people might claim that new methods are accompanied by risks, these naive critics are too dogmatic in their ideology. Indeed, without utilizing those revolutionary methods, we humanity would not be able to move forward. Three prominent archetypes that clearly demonstrate the need of new methods are Oda Noobunaga, Yamamoto Isoroku, and smart phone market.
Born in late 15th century, Oda Nobuaga, an indomitable Japanese warlord, who reunited Japan, shows that when new method is available, one who adopts the change succeeds. Before Oda Nobunaga’s birth, major force of Japanese army was calvary lancer. Especially Shingen Takeda, another powerful warlord, trained fierce army of calvary that he was once called ‘the man closest to Kyoto (capital of Japan). However years after Oda was born, the tide of strategy changed;Portugese brought gun into Japan. There was a controversial argument whether to adopt gun as a arm. Nobunaga without any hesitation adopted gun when Shingen did not give up his calvary. In 1605, Oda and Takeda clashed in Nagashino. The outcome was onesided: Nobunaga lost only 100 men when Takeda lost 10000 men which was 75% of his army. By adopting innovative weapon, Oda Nobunaga, defeated Takeda who did not adopt the change, and finally reunified Japan in 1608.
Called ‘modern Oda Nobunaga’, Japanese Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto also shows the need of moving forward when new method appears. Before 1930, every naval officers thought that airplanes are useless. In US, budget of aircrafts was only one eighth of budget for battleships. Also UK admiral John Hopkins said “aircrafts can never replace our powerful battleships.” Yet Yamamoto, unlike those who were skeptical to new technology, adopted dramatic change in his fleet. First of all he replaced battleships with fast aircraft carriers that could launch hundreds of bombers. After months of harsh training, Isoroku led his new fleet to Pearl Harbor on December 7th 1941 and destroyed the whole base. The battleships that US boasted were all annihilated by aircrafts. Isoroku, by fearlessly adopting revolutionary change in his fleet, was able to achieve victory in Pearl Harbor.
Another prominent paradigm that shows why simply moving forward is not only important but also necessary is smartphone market. In 2000, Steve Jobs brought out i phone and changed the mobile phone market dramatically. However companies like Nokia were skeptical about change. In ten years, Nokia and black berry that were reluctant to change are all suffering from declining profit, where Apple and Samsung who changed readily achieved tremendous success.
In summation the notion that conserving traditional method is likely to lead one to hazard. It is innovation that lead people to success.
</code></pre>

<p>I actually filled up the page and I just don’t know what is wrong with my essay</p>

<p>Please reply!!!</p>

<p>And One thing that bugs me is that I copied the introduction format directly from “SAT 2400 in just 7 steps”
Would the graders know that I copy pasted from SAT prep book?</p>

<p>Well after reading your first paragraph, it seems clear that the essay was written by someone whose first language is not english and that person is making an effort to use a lot of “SAT” words. I’d suggest sticking to simpler vocabulary which sounds authentic for you and focus more on answering the question very directly with really strong, well thought-out arguments.</p>

<p>Thanks
And usually is it better not to follow SAT prep book essay format?</p>

<p>I would say that your examples don’t exactly tie in to the prompt. I know you aren’t making things up and you sound knowledgeable so that’s good, but the prompt is asking for you to talk about things like e-books, modern technologies, etc, not Japanese warlords from hundreds of years ago. It was good you mentioned Apple but you should have talked about it in a broader sense. Btw, is your conclusion the last two sentences? Because you will need to work on that; a conclusion normally summarizes the body paragraphs so make it longer and mention your topics. Don’t introduce anything new in your conclusion. Try to make your essay concise and use simpler words. Hope that helps!</p>

<p>I’d give you a 4</p>

<p>You are trying too hard to impress them with vocab words… which the readers can see really well (considering they’ve read thousands of essays). The way you are using them may not fit the context</p>