Grade my SAT essay?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>Hi. I'm a sophomore and I am starting to practice for the SAT. I wrote an essay on this SAT prompt:</p>

<p>Prompt 4
Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.</p>

<p>Some see printed books as dusty remnants from the preelectronic age. They point out that electronic books, or e-books, cost less to produce than printed books and that producing them has a much smaller impact on natural resources such as trees. Yet why should printed books be considered obsolete or outdated just because there is something cheaper and more modern? With books, as with many other things, just because a new version has its merits doesn’t mean that the older version should be eliminated.</p>

<p>Assignment: Should we hold on to the old when innovations are available, or should we simply move forward? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>This is my first attempt at an SAT essay so be understanding haha.</p>

<pre><code>Often my friends ask me why I still am hanging on to my 2004 iPhone, when I could have the newest iPhone, equipped with up-to-date features that set it apart from any other device. I never know how to respond. After some consideration, I arrived at the conclusion that I have no reason for sticking with my old phone. It is sluggish; incompatible with all new applications; lacks a high-resolution screen; does not contain an adequate camera; and generally incomparable to newer models. I proceeded to realize that this applies at a much larger scale as well. In general, outdated things should always be replaced unless there is a legitimate justification for keeping them.
As Gustave Eiffel experienced, people are resistant to change for an unknown reason. When he presented his Eiffel Tower, he was subjected to widespread criticism. No one could explain exactly why they did not like the Tower; only that it was new, radical, and something they were not used to. Over time, however, the French learned to love the Tower. Soon it attracted international attention. Today most people envision this landmark whenever they hear “Paris” or even “France!”
The idea that change is good is not exclusive to landmarks; it can be found in all aspects of life. A friend of mine has been long-time employee at a small hospital. A few years ago, the administration announced plans to instate electronic records. All the employees were outraged, because they all were to receive extensive technology training and would be required to transfer all current data onto computers. Once they had gone through the entire process, however, my friend informed me that this change had completely affected her day—positively. Instead of having to spend ten minutes after each client logging the information, she could simply pull up the client’s preexisting record and type a few notes. The change proved to be an investment, but it was very worthwhile.
It is understandable that people do not want to change. After all, we are more than content; we live out our lives, watching television and going to parties, and not wanting for anything more. But, as the Eiffel Tower’s unexpected attention and a friend of mine’s renovation experience proved, change is always for the better.
</code></pre>

<p>Yes, I did write it in 25 minutes. Please give me specific tips as well as an overall grade; thanks. In case you don't know exactly how to grade it here: <a href="http://professionals.collegeboard.com/testing/sat-reasoning/scores/essay/guide"&gt;http://professionals.collegeboard.com/testing/sat-reasoning/scores/essay/guide&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

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<p>I’d say a solid 9-10 out of 12. A few grammatical errors such as parallelism and subject verb agreement kinda threw off the flow. Content was solid as well!</p>

3

<p>Please grade mine too!
PROMPT: The more critical reason dominates, the more impoverished life becomes. When reason is overvalued, the individual suffers a loss. Relying more on facts and rationality than on imagination and theory detracts from the quality of a person’s intellectual life.</p>

<p>Adapted from Carl Jung.</p>

<p>Assignment: Is knowing facts as important as understanding ideas and concepts? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>ESSAY:</p>

<p>“ I do not believe in learning anything that can be looked up in a book,” said a little boy to his history teacher several decades ago. “Then I suppose you do not believe in education,” replied the teacher, exasperated with the boy, who he say as an insincere truant. “ I do not believe the learning of facts comprises an education,”the boy answered. Today this boy’s portraits are hung in physics labs across the globe because he grew up to be arguably the most famous icon of modern physics. His name was Albert Einstein.
Einstein’s frustration still echoes in classrooms. Although pedagogical and educational techniques have changed, rote learning is still prevalent in schools. In my opinion, it is more important to be able to comprehend concepts and apply them to a wide array of situations instead of merely mug up dates and facts. In certain situations, facts may indeed be indispensable, but one won’t go very far without a thorough understanding if all the aspects of the issue.
Creativity is that tool which embellishes a piece of work and sets it apart from other works. Scientists and engineers for instance, routinely need to use imagination in order to develop novel and pathbreaking theories. Max Planck had to take a giant leap of faith to explain the inexplicable phenomenon of black body radiation by proposing energy was emitted in discrete units called packets – a nearly blasphemous theory to most erstwhile physicists.
Understanding concepts is a necessary precursor to creativity. Facts help, but facts when coupled with imagination and out- of- the- box thinking to serve as icing are the real deal.</p>

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<p>I realize that you asked Jeremy to grade your essay (at Tarlana), but I must express a concern I have with the essay: The entire first paragraph (that references Einstein) is far less refined than the rest of your work. As I read your piece, I found that your quotations only hid from me your true thesis. There are grammatical mistakes and awkward phrasing in your first paragraph that don’t seem to be so prevalent later. I think that if you begin your essay with:</p>

<p>“Although pedagogical and educational techniques have changed, rote learning is still prevalent in schools…” and so on, your point is made much clearer. If you want to mention Einstein, you may try to do so later in the essay after you have stated your purpose in the essay.</p>

<p>I have also noticed another problem: there appears to be a gap in your train of thought. You say that rote learning is not as important as understanding concepts, but then you immediately move into a description of creativity as a tool that makes one’s work unique. From my understanding, you are trying to argue that CREATIVITY is necessary for learning and innovation, and that learning concepts rather than focusing on specific facts allows for more creativity. You never seem to establish the link though. I would revise your thesis and flow to clarify. Don’t jump from “learning concepts is better” to “creativity is good” without explicitly mentioning that you think learning concepts is better because it is less restrictive and so promotes creativity. (You only hint at this train of thought with the final sentence, but it isn’t absolutely clear. I also recommend avoiding colloquialisms such as “icing on the cake.” They only obscure the meaning of your sentence). </p>

<p>I hope that what I have written is helpful to some degree. Please let me know.</p>

<p>I won’t offer a grade because I believe that it is more important that you focus less on the grade and more on improving the writing itself at this point. </p>

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<p>Thanks a lot for your feedback, synchronizer. I wasn’t particularly asking Jeremy to evaluate the essay, I just wanted someone to critique it. I read the essay once more and it does seem pretty bad, especially the typing errors (‘say’ and ‘if’). I realize what you mean about the gap in my train of thought. I just leaped from one idea in one paragraph to the next without linking the two ideas. I also had a few concerns about the essay. Is it long enough? Secondly, do I need to supply more examples? I sure hope I do a better job of the essay next time.</p>

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<p>@Tarlana</p>

<p>I do wish that I could help more, but I have many assignments to be completed in the next couple of weeks.</p>

<p>I will say the following though:</p>

<p>1> Unfortunately the SAT seems to place too much value on quantity, so your essay IS probably too short.
BUT
2> You should provide at least two concrete examples in your essay, and if applicable, one of those examples could very well be a counterexample, which you can try and disprove. I find that essays are more interesting if they acknowledge other viewpoints. You can also add additional minor examples in order to support your point if they come to mind.</p>

<p>I would suggest thinking more about improving your workflow. I think it’s incredibly irrational to expect someone to write a very well-crafted essay in fewer than 25 minutes. That said, it’s still required.</p>

<p>So, maybe you may wish to try an experiment: try writing one of the practice essays without a timer. Make it as polished as you can within one sitting. Avoid “fluffy” introductions and simply state your position and go straight into your argument. Identify all of your own mistakes first.</p>

<p>THEN…condense it. Isolate the most important points and pieces of information that can stand on their own. Eliminate anything that you wouldn’t write quickly. Reduce the essay to its fundamental parts and see exactly what you should think to include when under a time limit. </p>

<p>Avoid colloquialisms, split infinitives, ending sentences with prepositions, and extremely-wordy sentences.</p>

<p>Does this seem like something you would like to try?</p>

<p>Also, how soon are you taking the exam, and (if you are willing to disclose this) in which grade are you?</p>

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<p>I apologise for the delay in my response. I attempted another essay, but I kept in mind the 25 minute limit. I’d like to know what you have to say on this one. I may give the June one, though I know there isn’t much time left. I also have the option of appearing for the one in October. I’m in my senior year (will join college in the fall of 2015). </p>

<p>PROMPT: In his poem ‘In Memoriam’, romantic poet Alfred Lord Tennyson expresses his views that loss is an unavoidable consequence of love. Yet, rather than shunning love because of this, Tennyson resolves to accept both the experience of love and the pain that inevitably comes with it. As he writes in his often quoted passage, “'Tis better to have loved and lost to have not loved at all.”
(Adapted from James R. Kincaid’s Tennyson’s Major Poems)</p>

<p>Assignment: Are people unwise to pursue love even when they know it’ll cause them pain?</p>

<p>ESSAY: It is unwise for people to choose to pursue love against their better judgement, especially when they realise that their decision will eventually cause them pain. Humans may allow their emotions to rule over their reasoning in matters of love. This eventually means that people place greater importance on short-term satisfaction, and conveniently forget the pain that follows an impractical relationship–a highly imprudent choice.</p>

<p>Physical wounds take a definite amount of time to heal,but emotional wounds may have lasting repercussions. In Ayn Rand’s We the Living, Andrei Taganov, initially a stoic and loyal communist, falls irrevocably in love with Kira, the protagonist who herself cares for Andrei only as a friend and is in love with Leo, an aristocrat’s son. Although Andrei finds Kira’s friendship with Leo rather suspicious, he chooses to trust Kira. The revelation of Kira’s relationship with Leo disillusions him, leading * to commit suicide. </p>

<p>The play Romeo and Juliet is also testimony to my thesis. If the two had chosen not to fall in love, both the families would have been spared a lot of sorrow. Love is at times, as the aphorism goes, indeed blind. We must not let our passions sway our hearts and we ought to contemplate over any course of action we choose to take. Most of all, we must never allow our love to adversely affect other aspects of our life–our career and our relationship with others. In matters of the heart, it is best to let the mind take hold of the reins. </p>

<p>*- I omitted the him, silly me. I just didn’t have the time to proofread.</p>

<p>How do you think this fares in terms of length and specifically the examples? Am I digressing or going off topic? Besides, I was considering giving a second try to the essay without taking the time limit into consideration. </p>

<p>Umm, I was just curious–are you a teacher?</p>

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<p>@synchronizer‌ - On second thoughts, I was thinking perhaps I could attempt an essay in 25 mins and then edit it and perfect it once more. </p>