Hi CCers,
I gave the December SAT and was disappointed with my writing score, as I had been consistently getting in the 740-800 range in the section, and my score suddenly dropped to a 660. I suspect the essay, in which I got an 8, was the culprit.
I am posting my Essay below. It would be great if you can critique it and tell me where I went wrong, as well as what I can do to improve it. Thanks!
Prompt: Can people who are not famous be better role models than people who are famous?
Response:
Most people regard Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela or other famous personalities as their role models. These models are labelled so because they teach us the important values of persistence and sanguinity in the face of adversity among other things. While they may be sublime role models, people who are not famous can be role models too; in fact,as demonstrated by the examples of my uncle and my grandfather, people who aren’t famous can be better role models than those who are famous.
My uncle had the misfortune of seeing everything that was dear to him crumble before his eyes in the span of barely a month. he lost his father, went through a painful divorce and lost his job. Still, he saw the glass as half full. There was of course nothing he could do but hope for things to improve, and they did. Though he couldn’t get his dad back, he did get his job back and married someone else after a year.
My uncle teaches me that people should remain optimistic in the face of adversity. When all is lost, one should keep hope. To me, my uncle is a wonderful role model.
Another example that asserts that people who are not famous can be excellent role models is that of my grandfather. My grandfather served in the army for most of his life. He frequently recounts incidents and war stories emphasizing on the fact that one should be able to risk everything or she has, including his or her life, in an endeavor. My grandfather encourages me to give my one-hundred percent in every activity I undertake.
My grandfather, just like my uncle, is a role model to me. He teaches me the importance of taking risks. Neither my uncle nor my grandfather is famous, yet they both inspire me more than do Oprah Winfrey, Barack Obama, Mandela or Gandhi.
While famous people can be excellent role models, people who are not famous can be great people to follow too. As the examples of my grandfather and my uncle suggest, we should be mindful of the fact that the not-so-famous can be better role models.