Score/critique my essay please?

<p>Prompt: Do all established traditions deserve to remain in existence? </p>

<p>My Essay:
Established traditions are often detrimental to society. Many traditions are built on the basis of hatred and unfounded prejudice. Several examples from history clearly demonstrate how tradition values and beliefs are harmful to society and to humanity as a whole.</p>

<pre><code> The treatment of Black Americans in the south for much of American history illustrates the harm caused by the traditional practices of slavery and segregation. Before the Civil War, plantations and farms in the south were run by the slave labor of Blacks who had been taken from the native homeland of Africa. These slaves were treated cruelly, forced to live on meager rations and crowded by the dozens into small shacks. Even after the Civil War, the emergence of Jim Crow laws and "separate by equal" polices kept African Americans living in poverty and second-class conditions. These laws and rules were accepted by the majority of White Americans, as traditional and acceptable, despite their effects on the African American population. It took until the mid-1900's for court rulings to reverse the traditional laws and policies. Clearly, the traditional practices of slavery and segregation did not deserve to remain in existence, due to the inequality that they forced onto African Americans.

Another example of a tradition that needed to be rejected can be found in the women's suffrage movement. Until 1920, women in the United States were considered second-class citizens, with no right to vote in elections. Furthermore, women had no right to hold public office, and they were considered to be nothing more then property; legally, adultery was considered to be a violation of the husband's property rights. For decades, women fought for equal rights, arguing that the United States had been built on the principle of liberty and justice for all, not just for men. Their victory finally came in 1920, with the passage of the 19th amendment, which stated that no one could be denied the right to vote on the basis of their sex. The fight for equality for women plainly shows that established traditions are often degrading and wrong, and that they must be fought against.

After a careful analysis of the fights for civil rights for black and female Americans, established traditions are, indeed, derogatory and destructive to society. Long-standing traditions are often based on nothing more then bigotry, hatred, and societal norms from long ago that hold no truth of value today. These traditions must be removed from existence in order to move society forward.
</code></pre>

<p>Note: this was written in 25 minutes, and filled both pages.
I'm happy to critique and grade essays in return, just post a link to your thread!</p>

<p>Even after the Civil War, the emergence of Jim Crow laws and “separate by equal” polices kept African Americans living in poverty and second-class conditions.</p>

<p>You mean “separate but equal”</p>

<p>Even after the Civil War, the emergence of Jim Crow laws and “separate by equal” polices kept African Americans living in poverty and (in) second-class conditions.</p>

<p>Furthermore, women had no right to hold public office, and they were considered to be nothing more then (than) property</p>

<p>The fight for equality for women plainly shows that established traditions are often degrading and wrong, and that they must be fought against.</p>

<p>I don’t think you should have put “that they must be fought against” instead you could have ended it, " Therefore, the fight for equality for women plainly shows that established traditions are often degrading and wrong"</p>

<p>Score:6</p>

<p>Thank you, the help is greatly appreciated! :slight_smile:
Yes, definitely separate but equal, not separate by equal. Had it right on paper, just typed it wrong.</p>

<p>Definitely a 5 at least!
I would give it a 6.</p>

<p>Your first example is great, but your second paragraph, deviates a bit from your topic sentence.</p>

<p>You write about the women’s suffrage movement, but you then talk about how women aren’t on the same level as men for other stuff (i.e. holding office). I think your topic sentence should just generally state that women weren’t treated as equals to men. </p>

<p>I would also suggest adding a third paragraph, possibly a personal anecdote or from a story. </p>

<p>Great work!</p>

<p>Edit me back?
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1421446-please-score-my-essay.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1421446-please-score-my-essay.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;