score my essay: the one that will help me begin select school

<p>Hi, I took the SAT test today and here is my essay, can you score it for me, so that I will begin my college search right now :D :D</p>

<p>“No great man live in vain. The history of the world is but the biography of great men.”
(Thomas Carlyle, “The Hero as Divinity.” (1841))
“In historic events, the so-called great men are labels giving names to events, and like labels they have but the smallest connection with the event itself.”
(Leo Tolsoy, War and Peace, Book 9, Chapter 1)</p>

<p>Assignment: What is your view of the claim that history is made not only by the actions of great leaders, but also by the daily contributions of average people? Support your stuffs with all stuffs that you can get from all stuffs that you read, read and read from whatever whatever and whatever … :D :D :D (I'm just joking. No offend)</p>

<p>While history books, as we learn in school, highlight only great events and great men, the history is also made up of daily contributions of average people. Without those contributions, great men couldn’t do such “big victories” that we learn of everyday. These are many less interesting events that associate with a great events. Take the history book in my country, for example. Since history isn’t a “main subject”, we learn so little history that we only know that the last leader of the Soviet was Mikhail Gorbachev. We don’t know that what brought about USSR’s collapse is a long story: Cold War, Emergency Committee, 1991 coup. We only know that Yeltsin dared to clamber up on a tank to defy the coup, as if he was a hero, but we hardly know that Russian people gathered before the Government’s bulding to denounce it, too. Their gathering was “contributions of ordinary people”, which was definitely a part of history, though many could neglect the fact.</p>

<p>In science classes, we often encounter passages of great talented scientists’ biography. Again, many people among us only know of those great men’s names. Doing more research, I found out that some well-known experiments resulted from ideas of college students (Oersted’s experiment of bar magnet and electric current), from other less-known scientists’ research (astrological accomplishments surely have taken results from millions of hours of observation in many space research institutes around the world). Great scientists themselves need co-ordinators, assistants, funds, universities in order to succeed. Again, those can be viewed as “ordinary people’s contributions”, and yet as a part of history.</p>

<p>In conclusion, I can say that history is “biography of world’s whole population”, not that of great men. In fact, with the development of Internet, one could find out all related minor information associating with a great event. One could find out all information of a ordinary congressman of the 1950s, who had ordinary position, and then retired without a little fame. I’m glad that history didn’t sideline those people.</p>

<p>If you can, please correct my grammatical errors. I did leave time to revise, so if I didn't find out one error, then that one must be very serious. Thank you.</p>

<p>help me
help me
help me</p>

<p>Hi,</p>

<p>I corrected either grammatical errors or errors that aren't really grammatical, but are still serious mistakes that you made as a nonnative English speaker.</p>

<p>While history books, as we learn in school, highlight only great events and great men, the<-- NO 'THE' history is also made up of daily contributions of average people. Without those contributions, great men couldn’t do such “big victories” that we learn of everyday. These are many less interesting events that INSERT 'WE' associate with a great events. Take the history book in my country, for example. Since history isn’t a “main subject”, we learn so little history that we only know that the last leader of the Soviet was Mikhail Gorbachev. We don’t know that what brought about USSR’s collapse is a long story: Cold War, Emergency Committee, 1991 coup. We only know that Yeltsin dared to clamber up on a tank to defy the coup, as if he was a hero, but we hardly know that Russian people gathered before the Government’s bulding to denounce it, too. Their gathering was “contributions of ordinary people”, which was definitely a part of history, though many could neglect the fact.</p>

<p>In science classes, we often encounter passages of great talented scientists’ biograph*ies. Again, many **DELETE 'people'* among us only know of those great men’s names. Doing more research, I found out that some well-known experiments resulted from ideas of college students (Oersted’s experiment of bar magnet and electric current), from other less*er-known scientists’ research (astrological accomplishments surely have taken results from millions of hours of observation in many space research institutes around the world). Great scientists themselves need co-ordinators, assistants, funds, **and* universities in order to succeed. Again, those can be viewed as “ordinary people’s contributions”, BUT ALSO as a part of history.</p>

<p>In conclusion, I can say that history is a “biography of theworld’s whole population”, not that of great men. In fact, with the development of theInternet, one could find out all related minor information associating with a great event. One could find out all information of an ordinary congressman of the 1950s, who had anordinary position, and then retired with*DELETE:out a* little fame. I’m glad that history didn’t sideline those people.</p>

<p>This essay is probably between 3-4 out of 6. Your structure needs to be improved. Read a prep book to learn how to properly structure the SAT essay. Three paragraph essays are a no-no (GENERALLY). Your ideas are solid. If you could reorganize this into a proper 4 or 5 paragraph essay with your supporting information presented in the middle paragraphs, rather than sprinkled haphazardly all across your essay, you could immediately bump your 3-4 to a 4-5. Your grammatical errors are noticeable, but they're not too bad, and there are not too many of them. Some of your grammar still gives away the fact that you are not a native speaker, but overall, this is a rather good job for a nonnative English speaker. With practice (especially with regards to organization), and given the amount of knowledge that you have, I think you could produce 5s out of 6s on your SAT essay if you work hard.</p>

<p>Thank you, I will pay attention to essay structure.</p>

<p>
[QUOTE]

These are many less interesting events that associate with a great events

[/QUOTE]

It's my typing error. It should be "There are ... "
You changed to ".. that we associate with ... "

[QUOTE]

These are many less interesting events that INSERT 'WE' associate with a great events.

[/QUOTE]
</p>

<p>I don't think it's suitable because inserting "we" changes the meaning of original sentence. A big event involves a lot of less interesting events, but many aren't aware of them. Inserting "we" means that people are all aware of them.</p>

<p>I looked up in dictionary:<br>

[QUOTE]

associate sb/sth (with sb/sth) to make a connection between people or things in your mind

[/QUOTE]
</p>

<p>My correction: "There are many less interesting events that are associated [ by the people ] with a great events."</p>

<p>But I'm wondering if it's right. "Associate" means make that connection IN YOUR MIND. Hence using " ... that are associated with ..." will mean that "those less interesting events are involved, and ALL people are aware of them". Is that true ?</p>

<p>What is the best correction ?</p>

<p>One more question.

[QUOTE]

In science classes, we often encounter passages of great talented scientists’ biographies.

[QUOTE]

In this sentence, my mistake is that I used "biography" instead of "biographies".
But why "biography" was used in the exerpt instead of "biography"

[QUOTE]

“No great man live in vain. The history of the world is but the **biography **of great men.”
(Thomas Carlyle, “The Hero as Divinity.” (1841))
“In historic events, the so-called great men are labels giving names to events, and like labels they have but the smallest connection with the event itself.”
(Leo Tolsoy, War and Peace, Book 9, Chapter 1)

[/QUOTE]

You can be sure that I don't type "biography" wrong. I have googled it, and it is "biography". Why ?</p>

<p>Besides, can you explain the meaning of "No great man live in vain" ?</p>