<p>Hi all,</p>
<p>I am currently working on writing a college essay with the prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Although at this time I cannot post my finished draft, I can describe the outline (I have a draft completed; it's just that I feel like that I would have to still do a lot of editing on that draft to make it some what reasonable for it to be posted here for further editing).</p>
<p>I decided to describe and evaluate the impact of my experience after my mother divorced my step father (before which we lived in a two bed room apartment, although not for more than 2 years) and mother and I were forced to find a place to stay that we can afford and hopefully that would allow me to go to the same school. We eventually found a small basement-like place for rent that was situated at the ground level of this large stone house (luckly within the same town). The surrounding was full of other houses and on the top of the street was a trail way filled with trees that went on for miles.</p>
<p>Short Background of situation: I came to the U.S. through my mother at the age of 9. Throughout my time here, we have moved four times and lived in three different areas, so the concept of moving was not new nor much devastating to me. The situation that I hope to use for my essay took place the summer before my entrance to high school.</p>
<p>My goal: I know that the prompt highlights the evaluation part, so a lot of describing will do me little benefit. I would like to convey to my readers all of my emotions at the time such as a sense of jealously as we continue to live in a small room, while all our neighbors lived in their houses. Right now as my essay stands, I began with "The first glance was a beautiful shock...the second glance, well, was different" and then it goes on to a description, from my perspective, of the interiors of the room for rent. Furthermore, my essay does reveal the cause of the move within the first three paragraphs (I'm not yet sure if it will be this way), although it does insinuate slightly. I would like to capture my reader with a captivating intro, but am not sure if the one I currently have will do (probably will need help in determining this). Any how I hope to revise my essay before post by cutting out some of the descriptions of the house, as right now it takes up a good 1/2 of the page. I hope to show my situation to the reader vividly, however I am not a great writer.</p>
<p>Please, I would apprieciate any professional help as I continue with my essay. The structure is one of the most essential element in any essay, and I am not confident about mine. Also my way of language may be awkward at times, which often I do not realize until they are pointed out.</p>
<p>UPDATE****: I actually just finished fixing up the first three paragraphs of my draft. If any experts can help me out by looking over those three paragraphs and give any suggestions, I will be glad to send them.</p>
<p>Thanks,
Jack</p>