<p>For so many people, once they hear your child’s a high school senior, it’s all they want to talk about: “where is she applying” and “did she get in early?” and “I hear so-and-so got in early” and “is she going for any scholarships” etc., plus their own two cents about “she should apply to XYZ School” — without really knowing anything about my child as a student or person. And you’re expected to be forthcoming, open, chatty. I think it’s probably like trying to become pregnant, and having well meaning acquaintances come up to you, daily, and ask, “So – are you pregnant yet?” If you were, you’d tell them the happy news. If you’re not, you don’t really feel like talking about it.</p>
<p>Having said all that, I was one of the “askers” back before I had a high school senior. Now I know better.</p>
<p>A lot of people assume that all students with good grades get merit aid. Not true. In addition to the variances based on which school the child attends, some merit aid is tied to financial need, specific majors, or other factors (women in engineering, anyone?). The school my child attends awards merit, but they are VERY vague as to qualifications, even when directly asked. I never ask other parents about ANY kind of aid.</p>
<p>My policy is to ask after May 1, “what are the plans after graduation?” and let the student/parent tell me whatever they find relevant. If it’s a vacation, a new job, where they will go to college, whatever they care to share. The money is absolutely none of my business unless there are very specific circumstances. (A friend of D’s is in a family situation in which I helped a lot with the apps and financial aid paperwork. I felt no shame in asking him how he was going to make ends meet.)</p>
<p>Well, in all fairness, some of that is just social pleasantries. I mean, I met a bunch of parents of college seniors at the NYDay party I attended, and we all asked where one another’s kids were applying to, though to be honest, since I’d just met these people, it’s not like I really cared :-). One young man had gotten into a school just down the road from D’s school, and so she made some nice murmurings about “Oh, we’ve got to get together if you decide to go there!” but nothing’s going to come of it. There’s a lot of it’s-a-small-world. One woman we met - her cousin was a fraternity brother of my husband’s. “Oh, tell him I say hi.” You know, that type of thing! Sometimes it’s just idle chit-chat and nothing more!</p>
<p>I agree with this…my BFF (my college roommate) and I went through the entire app process together with our D’s last year. Our D’s applied to some of the same schools with mixed results. We bounced things off each other all the time. When her D got an acceptance to a school that my D applied to, she didn’t even tell me till we got the envelope too. There was no competition - just wishing the best for each other (and they ended up at different schools). It’s too bad that our other kids aren’t lined up as well in terms of their year of graduation!</p>
<p>This is in contrast to a few people I know here that are in it for the competition of it - not my BFFs so I keep them at arm’s length and take everything they say with a grain of salt (or two or a bag in some cases). There is one in particular who is quite competitive. I just remind myself where she went to school and where I went to school, and I keep my mouth shut. If she feels better about herself through her sons, good for her.</p>
<p>I think people need to be sensitive all around at this time of year. It is soooo stressful (you don’t realize just how stressful it is till it’s over); even what you think is a positive comment could be miscontrued.</p>
<p>Just wait till the Fall, when you get to the next step - finding out who is happy at their school and who isn’t; who didn’t even make it through the first semester. You just have to keep being kind and supportive when you hear about this; do they really care what you think anyway?</p>
Should she feel badly about herself because of where she went to school? I’d like to know, so I can know whether my academic background is one I should feel inadequate about or not…:(</p>
<p>Many of the parents at our HS are in the same financial squeeze…too “rich” to get need-based aid, but not able to pay full fare for many schools. If (and only if) a parent of a younger student is looking at the same schools that my kids have looked at, I’ll volunteer which schools were very generous and which were not. No one asks the specific amounts and I don’t volunteer it. </p>
<p>Note that if a school publishes the name of the scholarship, it is pretty easy to go on line and find out the general amount. E.g. “Regents” may be full ride, “Presidents” may be $15,000, “Deans” may be $8,000, etc.</p>
<p>LINYMOM should feel very, very good about herself based on where she went to school :-). (Just KIDDING, people.) </p>
<p>Her point about competition is well-taken. Some of the people who are big into competition through her kids weren’t exactly academic movers and shakers themselves.</p>
<p>I would never ask about money though sometimes I say to people whose kids are at a SUNY that they are saving big bucks compared to us. I’m one of those people who is very interested in where kids are going and am happy to tell people where my kids did and didn’t get in, but I try to respect the fact that many people prefer not to discuss it and find it stressful. I am sure I sometimes come off as boasting, but it is never my intention. My kids are no angels, they did not have perfect grades or perfect test scores. They made mistakes in application strategies that I’d be happy to share if someone wanted to know.</p>
<p>I agree about finding a person or two with whom to share everything. I had a wonderful friend with a ds the same age who I pretty much told all. She had even taken my ds with hers on a faraway college visit. Our boys both got into the three common schools to which they applied, so that was nice. Our financial situations are quite different, so no competition there. Another friend pretty much knew where her ds was going – the private uni where her dh taught – so she enjoyed hearing my stories and living vicariously through us.</p>
<p>And, of course, I tell everything – maybe too much – to the awesome parents on the 2014 thread!</p>
<p>Yes, I love to know where people are going, where they’re hoping to go, etc…it’s part of a bigger story that is fascinating to follow over time. And I’m old enough that I’ve seen every kind of crazy turnaround of fate-- if a kid is going to Harvard or Chief Dull Knife U. (yes, it exists, I bumped into it last night on College Board), that’s one step in a long life full of ups and downs of all kinds. I try to be mindful of the stress–but I must say, I barely open my mouth to ask “How is young Boris” or whoever, and I usually get a long story! Which I’m glad to hear. </p>
<p>As for whether to feel inadequate about one’s own academic background-- that choice is definitely up to the individual!</p>
<p>Thanks, PG. That’s the point. In addition, my brief comment about the competitive mom in our school just touched the surface. I’m going to leave it at that.</p>
<p>I believe in telling all I am asked. How we saved, how much we can give DS, how much is “on him” and how cost is driving his decision. </p>
<p>We have Texas Tomorrow Guaranteed Tuition for 126 hours. We also plan to give him around $3K/year, if we must. He also has a UGMA account at about $12K. The rest is him. I can’t imagine him having much incentive to apply for scholarships if he didn’t have some skin in this game …</p>
<p>I know exactly what you mean . . . I have met business people while interning and they are enormously successfull or proud of themselves and start talking about their kids . . . who go to NoName State “Milkawhat?” I think to myself – that parent was a total fail.</p>
<p>Yeah talking about the end of admission season is probably the best as I have run into a crazy amount of awkward situations with the other question. I just stammer a bit say I was deferred at my top choices and into a school that’s my safety(not that I would go just no choice in the matter).</p>
<p>I always seem to bump into parents & ask about where their children are, in college, in the military, working etc. I like to know & demonstrate an interest, especially after they have asked me about all 4 of mine! (but they asked, so I hope I did not bore them) </p>
<p>Lately it seems I find out about kids where things have not turned out so well & sometimes these parents were the “braggers”, (as H always called them), leading H & I to discuss the fact that perhaps all that constant bragging wasn’t such a good idea! I am sure we all know parents like that! </p>
<p>Flunk outs, drug problems, divorces, eating disorders, babies born to unwed parents, mental illnesses in families, custody battles, learning disabilities, etc. When I hear about all these things I feel very guilty about complaining to one of my kids for taking a long shower! Everything is relative, I guess.</p>
<p>I went to a Christmas party that had a lot of parents of 12th graders present—my gosh, all they wanted to talk about was where their kids had applied and brag about how they were legacies at Ivies, etc. </p>
<p>I was kind of hoping to enjoy a few hours away from college talk— D having nearly finished her Common Apps but not quite ready to hit Send. </p>
<p>My Mom told me years ago how some person she knew, who was an insufferable braggart, was going around letting the whole town know that Precious D had gotten a full scholarship at Brown — my Mom knew very well that B is needs-based only! You have to watch what you say!</p>
<p>I am a firm believer in the DADT policy as it applies to discussing my children’s college applications, test scores, admissions, etc. I advised them to do the same with their friends to keep the stress level down, and it has been successful for us. I was thankfully not aware of this site when D1, now a senior in college, was going through the process, as I know it would have created huge anxiety for both of us. This site can overwhelm if you let it.</p>