I have lived with my current roommates for almost a year now, and we have a lease for the following school year. I live with two of my friends, and one bedroom is unoccupied. I share a bathroom with my best friend, and she occupies a lot of space (3/4 of the counter space, and 4/6 drawers). I do not mind this because I do not have as much stuff as her, and I don’t ever plan to have that much stuff. I do mind that she uses my stuff more than me and without asking me. When we moved into the apartment she said I could use anything of hers (I never said she could use my stuff), but I never need to use her stuff and if I do I ask her. This past month I bought a few things that I have barely had a chance to use, and I noticed that they were very obviously used (like half the bottle empty). I moved those into my room so she wouldn’t have access to it. I went home this past weekend and I came back to find out she had been using some of my other things since she didn’t have access to the stuff I hid. I also noticed that she ate some of my food without asking me (sending me a text, etc) about it. I know if I tell her not to use my stuff she will start crying (she’s very emotional and dramatic) and I do not want to deal with that. How do I nicely tell her not to use my stuff?
“Haley, I don’t want to upset you, but we need to make sure our boundaries about possessions and consumables are clear. Please don’t use my shampoo and body lotion; please ask me first if you want to have some of my Ramen.”
Done. You’re adults old enough to live in an apartment, so you’re old enough to have an adult conversation.
If your stuff is still being used, invest in a trunk with a lock. The roomie needs to learn this stuff sooner rather than later.
Tell her how you feel and the changes you want to see. If she cries, let her. At the end of the day, just know that your items are being used how you want them to be.
“I wanted to talk to you about guidelines for the next school year. One thing in particular was the sharing of stuff. It turns out that I don’t use hardly anything of yours, but things I buy, like Shampoo, are being used up before I get a chance to use them. I would like to figure out a different plan…either we keep to our own stuff, or if you use up something I buy, then you need to replace it or you can give me the money and I will do the shopping.”
So what if she cries and gets dramatic? She has learned that works with you.
Then you say “Nevertheless, I want to find a method that is fair to me or i will just lock everything in my room.”
Just tell her straight up and direct. No tears need to be shed.
These were very helpful. I am going to talk to her today about it. I noticed she was using more of my things and that the stuff we did set aside as communal, she hasn’t been contributing to the last few times. Like I’ve gone out and bought toilet paper on more than one occasion when it wasn’t my turn to get it. I basically feel like she’s free loading off of me but I don’t know how to say that nicely to her.
"I know you didn’t do this on purpose, but I’ve had to buy toilet paper when it when it wasn’t my turn to buy it. I should have said something at the time, but you owe me $XX. (or I think what might be best is for us to right down what each of us buys and at the end of the month settle up/you will have to buy the next toilet paper). "
What you want to do is to try to not make it personal…just state what you want. If you have to, then you keep the toilet paper in your room if necessary until she buys some.
By writing it down what she owes, it is harder for to her sort of ignore it.