Hi!
Sorry for this, I’m just looking for a little feedback if anyone is willing. I’m from the UK and don’t have a college counselor, so I’m taking a stab in the dark. Any feedback is appreciated
We all exist within communities or groups of various sizes, origins, and purposes; pick one and tell us why it is important to you, and how it has shaped you. (100 word limit)
Christ’s Hospital’s incessant busy atmosphere and rigorous discipline has taught me lessons about independence and work ethic I cannot undermine. Growing up in an adolescent and aggressive (yet oddly caring and familial) boarding house, I learned the need to be flexible to your surroundings. Juggling all the extra curricular activities inculcated the prowess required to succeed in various spheres of life. However, I always knew there was something else that was unique at my school, and that was the people. The discussions and perpetual competition did nothing but fuel my ambition- and where else better to emulate that but Brown?
-first sentence: good (although I didn’t realize that Christ’s Hospital was not a literal hospital, so that threw me off for a minute I’m guessing the adcoms won’t have that issue)
-second sentence: I’m not sure about the negative tone you set up with “adolescent and aggressive.” It strikes me as being very judgmental, in a way that isn’t negated by the “caring and familial” in the second half. I don’t know if that’s the atmosphere you want to build in 100 words.
-third sentence: hmm. You kind of lose me here. The lack of elaboration on “the extra curricular activities” (extracurricular can be one word) makes that part feel out of place. And the “However” with which you start off the fourth sentence isn’t working for me either – you don’t seem to be contrasting anything. Finally, the “competition” that you reference doesn’t seem like the sort of thing that would impress adcoms in a positive light. Brown doesn’t pride itself on being cutthroat; the environment here is much more collaborative than that. There’s nothing wrong with ambition, but I could see how saying that you want to “emulate competition” at Brown could potentially strike adcoms in a negative way.
As a disclaimer, I have nothing to do with admissions. But my gut feeling is to suggest that you elaborate on the positive ways that Christ’s Hospital has affected you – how discussions with your peers have shaped you, in what ways have you become more flexible, how you want to channel your ambition, etc.
@LucasKovacs , In my opinion, your writing style is not going to help your applications to colleges like Brown. I know it’s late in the application process, but I would encourage you to research how to better deal with the essay sections of the common application.
“I learned the need to be flexible to your surroundings” --> “I learned to be flexible to my surroundings” ??
“Juggling all the extra curricular activities inculcated the prowess required to succeed in various spheres of life” - your language here is way overdone. This isn’t a vocabulary test.
Never again post an essay online. Go to the essay forum and trade with established posters or readers. Read the warnings posted at the top of that forum.
That said you should not use this anyway as it has significant problems. First it lacks specificity. Don’t use the word ‘various’ instead of being specific. Same with why brown is better–say why. What were ‘all the extra ciriculars’? What did you do to be flexible? When you use vague language the writing is flabby and uninteresting, boring really.
Second, some of your sentences just don’t make sense. You are not pulling off this vocabulary and it seems forces and overly florid. Simple, sincere clear writing will better serve you.
Ok, lesson learned. And yes, you’re right- I figured I may as well use some vocab and get some feedback on its usage if I’m getting feedback anyway, I quite enjoy being experimental.
Because the limit on this is 100 words, I don’t want to turn this into an essay regarding my extra curriculars. My school influenced me more than that, and they can see what I’ve done on my CommonApp anyway- at least, that’s my line of thinking, I am very ignorant on how these applications/essays are reviewed. Essentially, I’m little unsure as to how to get a message across without spending 50% of it on one thing and 50% on another.
If you thought that your use of vocabulary was impressive, then you miscalculated. Don’t fake it. Be genuine. An essay that says, for example, ‘I ain’t sure exactly how it happened, but by the time I was two years old, I was more attached to my old Grampy than a hound to a bone’ sounds a lot better, to me, than the kind of forced language you chose. I don’t mean to be insulting, and I know that this is important to you, but if you try to fake it and fool people, in my experience, the only one you fool is yourself. I get your points – but there are better ways to make them in your own voice. And, yes, don’t post your essays online if you have any thought you will ever actually use them. Cheerio!
In the UK people do use more florid language than we do here and that can be understood, but to misuse words is very negative and to appear to insert vocabulary awkwardly is not considered good writing today. You have to be more sophisticated for these sort of top colleges. To say something with simple powerful language means you have something to say. Having something meaningful to say is important in college essays, really distilling your language even if it doesn’t feel as if it has proper transitions, that is why vague language is the kiss of death. I was never saying to elaborate about your EC necessarily, but you really aren’t saying anything concrete in the above, most all of it has to be inferred.
Don’t worry about being insulting @bonenz haha if I cared I wouldn’t have publicised my work. and yeah @BrownParent that makes more sense to me now. I don’t suppose either of you would mind me sending you a redraft, even just for minor feedback? I do have someone here who can help me out but it’s £70 each time and with all the money involved for RD apps and xmas etc i’m trying to be fairly economical
I’m guessing the adcoms won’t have that issue)