Short Essay - Opinions/Changes to make?

Applying to College
1

<p>I feel like i'm constantly posting here, ha, sorry!</p>

<p>I'm so tired and worn out I just can't seem to figure out what needs to be tweeked and fixed around in this essay I just wrote for UNC Chapel Hill.</p>

<p>I'm posting it because it's so specific and personal that I don't see how anyone could use it for themselves in anyway.
I don't expect anyone to take the time to entirely correct it or anything, but if you notice things I should remove, change? Grammar errors? Sentences that should be reworded? Punctuation issues?</p>

<p>I'm going to go through it with my mom in a while, but I don't want to miss anything.</p>

<p><strong>Tell us about a time when you failed. How did you react? What, if anything, did you learn?</strong></p>

<p>A specific failure that had a profound effect on my life was that of my failure as a friend during the year 2009. My best friend and I were as close as could be; constantly together we loved, cared, and protected each other like sisters. Aristotle said that “friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies”, and I don't think that any words could fit me and my best friend Laure better than those. In 2009 Laure got involved with an older boy that we shared common friends with. I distinctively remember automatically trying to be friends with him. In the beginning everything was seemingly perfect, as things often seem to be in the beginning of relationships, but as time passed Laure's boyfriend became more grotesque and acrimonious towards her, and me as well. I gradually became repulsed by this man and his disrespect towards me and my best friend; he was openly rude, aggressive, lewd, and overall troubling. As a friend I felt it was my role to open my friend's eyes, in my opinion the relationship was a waste of her time, and I felt certain she was going to get hurt. I wish I had been wrong, but she was indeed hurt, and what I regret the most is that I contributed to that pain. Laure and her boyfriend stayed together for several months, she had moved in with him, and she didn't come to school often anymore. I was so upset about the situation and how Laure preferred to be with this obnoxious boyfriend rather than me, that I simply didn't attempt to contact her anymore. Summer came and past, and we did not see each other even once in those two long months. I was being selfish, I didn't want to deal with him and their situation. When school started again they were still together in their twisted and unhealthy relationship, and I still didn't want to have anything to do with it. The failure I feel is particularly in regards to when she found out that he was cheating on her. All I could seem to tell her was that she needed to move on, get out of his apartment, and start living a normal teenage life again. Patience is a virtue that I lacked at that particular time. I didn't want to pick up the pieces of this relationship because I had warned her all along that it was going to end poorly. A true friend should have the patience to deal with any suffering of the ones he loves no matter what, and I failed at that. I learned a lot about myself and about friendship through this experience. I used to think about it and regret the way I reacted to Laure's relationship; but regrets serve no purpose. I've become a better person through this period of my life, I know that if the situation were to happen again I would handle it differently. I would be more patient, understanding, and more supportive. My friends deserve all the support and love in the world, and there are few feelings better than that of contributing to someone's happiness.</p>

2

<p>Nice essay, only part I have criticism for is this.</p>

<p>“I learned a lot about myself and about friendship through this experience”</p>

<p>“I’ve become a better person through this period of my life”</p>

<p>The main point of essays like this are to show how you’ve become a better person from a failure. Maybe explain a little more of what you actually learned or how you’ve grown from this? I know you said you’ve become more patient, understanding, etc. but maybe elaborate a little more on that or give a specific example of how you’ve been a better person in the future, or if you’ve made up with that friend maybe talk about that.</p>

<p>I think that would make it stronger, but its already a great essay! Good job!</p>

3

<p>Thanks! You’re right! I should talk about how things are now with that friend of mine, how our relationship is stronger, and how that is largely due to that experience. I always forget to be specific haha.</p>

4

<p>Yeah that would be great! I wasn’t sure whether or not you’d actually fixed things with the friend, but if you have then definitely talk about it.</p>

5

<p>I changed some stuff around in the end, but i’m not sure about the effectiveness of it all, my grammar and wording just seems off tonight:</p>

<p>I’ve become a better person through this period of my life, I know that if the situation were to happen again I would handle it differently. I would be more patient, understanding, and more supportive. Since then Laure has been with other boys that I haven’t necessarily adored, but it never came to the point where our friendship was hurt like it was in 2009. During her most recent relationship, when I noticed how unhappy she was, I tried my best to help make the relationship better and help her be happier. That was an example of just how much I had grown as a person. My friends deserve all the support and love in the world, and there are few feelings better than that of contributing to someone’s happiness.</p>

6

<p>Anyone else have advice/help?</p>

7

<p>It should be “Summer came and went” not “Summer came and past.”</p>

8

<p>or “passed”</p>

9

<p>Great! Thanks for pointing that out, I had a feeling it was wrong, will fix it now!</p>

10

<p>Nina, i think there’s some repetitiveness (for ex, the word “friend” gets repeated many times even though i realize this is about friendship)–edit a bit and replace with specific personal details if you can. something he said or did? that you said or did? that she said or did? etc.
to me it’s not clear if you directly told your friend this man wasn’t treating her well. what do you regret? when did you realize it? is it that you regret not trying to warn her? and/or that you didn’t feel like spending enough time with her when she was hurting?
you might describe a reason you value her friendship (something more specific than that you were close)–maybe a time or way she made you feel good or feel better.
I’m largely reiterating what paper tank said.
also, quotes are okay . . . but very easily found now on the internet. specific details are more interesting.
how would you tell this to a friend, or to your mom, rather than to an interviewer?</p>