<p>I just finished editing my first essay, please read it and tell me what you think! Is the length good enough? Should it be shorter/longer? (The topic should be about a person that made an impact on my life and why that person is important to me)</p>
<p>There I was, a rather shy, confused 14-year-old boy running around the hallway looking for my new class in my new big school. I bumped into a student whom seemed to be my age, asking a teacher for directions to his classroom. I stood there staring at them, hoping that someone would help me until I happily found out that he too was a freshman. I followed him to class and we introduced ourselves to each other. </p>
<p>Recess began when I hesitantly approached a small group of whom he was among when he pointed to me and yelled: Come on in!. I really liked his welcoming attitude and felt only then that he will grow to become a really close friend of mine. I felt it was easy and fun to talk to him and it was apparent he felt the same way towards me. He was a typical nice guy with an obvious confidence; he had no trouble forming relationships and socializing with people hes never met before... not only that but he would add a certain charm to the conversation as one would add topping to a cake. I would see him approach people so easily and I would admire how people found him easy to love. He was so adroit in socializing that it was almost like he was born with it; that was a skill I lacked at that age which was sort in relation to my low self esteem. I wasnt as socially-awkward as one might conjure up but I felt in deep need for what charm and charisma my buddy portrayed.
As the days flew by, pleasant, witty memories were made. We spent our weekends roaming the streets and malls of Amman, playing billiards and bowling with other friends and swinging by nice cafes. I wont forget that splendid day when he made fun of me. He said with a loud voice as we passed by a lingerie shop: Why, Qasem*, didnt you say you needed a pair of underwear?! as he pointed to that shop. I blushed and looked around me in embarrassment and said:No I didnt! Youre such an embarrassment . He chuckled and said:Aw come on pal, havent you heard of the saying that goes One who loves you teases you?. </p>
<p>I learned right at that moment that I had to change the way I behave and the way I perceive and view matters. There was so much Ive learned from that boy which will stay with me for the rest of my life. He taught me to accept things -no matter how teasing- with a humorous heart! After all, frowning and crying about comments whether serious or not will bring nothing but mental pain- to you and your surrounding audience. He taught me to care more about what I think of myself before I care about what anyone else thinks of me. He taught me to be myself!</p>
<p>After freshman year, we both headed different ways. Hes in Philadelphia right now and will hopefully do great on his APs. Im doing my A-levels in Riyadh and will soon be heading off to college. And here I am at 17 a confident, cognizant young man willing to take risks and travel abroad for a good future and a hopefully better society. I thank my best friend for shedding some light on how to transform into a better, more improved me. </p>
<p>tylerb7, why would anyone use words he/she doesn’t understand?
Maybe the word “splendid” looks awkward in the part when I say he made fun of me, but I meant to say it. I should probably mention it again in the same sentence…</p>
<p>“Overcorrection?”… it’s either correct or not. If it’s not, how can I re-phrase it?</p>
<p>“Trite. Cliche.” Not trite, maybe cliche, but it works just fine (for me that is).</p>
<p>“Having read this essay, I can’t swallow the notion that ‘adroit’ is actually in your day-to-day vocabulary. Even if I’m wrong, the sentence doesn’t make any sense; what does ‘it’ refer to?”
Well ‘adroit’ doesn’t have to be in my day-to-day vocab. to make sense now does it?
And come on, don’t tell me you didn’t understand the sentence when you read it.
“it” refers to being adroit at socializing, right? </p>
<p>Well yeah… come to think of it, “witty” does seem misplaced. Yes I’m a native speaker but I probably confused it with another words definition somehow</p>
<p>“Choppy. ‘Sort in relation’.” I noticed. (I used your single quotation marks ;D)</p>
<p>“I’m pretty sure that embarrassing something is generally pretty entertaining for the onlookers. “Surrounding audience” is redundant”
I wasn’t talking about “embarrassing something” which brings you mental pain but the “frowning and crying”. Read up. </p>
<p>“and a hopefully better society”. Well if you noticed, I mentioned Amman in my essay. </p>
<p>Thanks for your detailed criticizing but I think I proved you wrong for your comment: “stop using words you don’t understand” </p>
<p>Oh and honestly I did use the thesaurus for “imagine”, but I knew what “conjure up” means and it fits well in the sentence “wasn’t as socially-awkward as one might conjure up”. </p>
<p>The problem with essays about significant people in an applicant’s life is that it usually ends up just being about the other person and reveals nothing about the actual applicant. And I think that is what is happening here. Only near the very end do you bring the essay in to focus on you. Try and focus really on how YOU have developed because of your friend, not just how great your friend is.</p>
<p>After reading that, I’d want to accept him into my school, but not you. Like everyone else said, the tricky part about ‘significant people’ essays is that so often the focus is on the person rather than the applicant. </p>
<p>Your tenses are a little confused sometimes, too.
“I really liked his welcoming attitude and felt only then that he will grow to become a really close friend of mine.” - should be “that he WOULD grow”.</p>
<p>Tylerb7 is right, it sounds like you used a thesaurus. </p>
<p>Also, I know it’s kind of a big part of the essay, but I don’t love the part about the lingerie shop… you’re trying to show them that you’re mature and ready for college (and I do know that it’s a completely typical teenage conversation), but that anecdote just really doesn’t show it. If I had to tell one story to the admissions people, it wouldn’t be “Lol, ladies’ underwear!”.</p>
<p>No offense, dude. but this needs completely redone. It shows absolutely nothing about your personality, is a pain to read, and does not show a competency with the English language. However, I may be judging it on too high of a standard. What kind of school do you plan to apply to with this?</p>
<p>My advice: forget the unnecessary and frilly **** sentence structure. Cut redundancy. And accept criticism a little better (just because we can tell what something means doesn’t mean it doesn’t sound awful). And, using a thesaurus is only appropriate when you can do it naturally…If we can tell that you are using synonyms awkwardly, so will the adcoms. </p>
<p>Most importantly, change the essay to show the YOU not your friend.</p>
<p>Next time don’t post your essay on here. If it were any good, someone might take it and apply to a different school.</p>
<p>honestly the essay is terrible, shows very little about yourself, barely makes sense, your friend overshadows you and the lingerie part doesnt sound like it should be in a college essay. I would honestly go back and rewrite the entire thing or write about something else. Sorry about being harsh its just I dont like the essay one bit.</p>