I respect your time and I’ll keep this short.
I’m a hardworking woman with three boys who are my first priority. I would do anything for them. I am grateful to have been admitted with a full ride to UC Davis. I am in the minority of students who can’t move to campus because of a mortgage, my husband’s career, and two kids in high school. After twelve moves since our first child, we want to stay.
I’m up at 6:00 and get the boys and myself off to school until it’s time to pick up my youngest. I avoid daycare. Our years together are irreplaceable. I want him to see MY excited face when school is over. After school comes a myriad of family responsibilities, including the paramount and indispensable family dinner, where conversation is at its finest.
The older kids go to bed usually around 11:00, after which I study. Bedtime comes about 3:00 a.m.
We’re busy, we’re balanced, and the kids ALWAYS come first.
The commute to Davis poses risk. I risk driving tired and reaching the tipping point where there is not enough time for this balance. I know that Berkeley will also be difficult, but I feel confident.
UC Berkeley is absolutely my first choice. For years I visited the campus, walked the halls and sat on the lawn, attended your symphonies and restaurants on date night. I even bought that little basketball and hoop in the bookstore and taught my baby boy to shoot free throws with it. I have always pictured myself there!
I know I have some weaknesses, such as old grades. There is a story behind all that, but please know that I started as a very weak student and have grown into one of the strongest in the LMC stem program. I’ve put in the hard hours, with you in in my head each day.
I’ve added to my interests since taking the second biology class this semester. Ecological biology has opened my eyes to sustainability and I’ve gained a keen interest in the bigger picture of human life and its global impact. Can we continue in this same vein, with our exponential population growth, plastic production and resource consumption? These are important questions which I plan to explore in research in addition to individual health.
I want you to know I’ll continue to develop as a scientist no matter which direction I go. I will strive to contribute, because it becomes increasingly clear that the only other option is to detract. My GPA and experience will improve. My kids will grow in the knowledge that they are responsible for the care of this world. I certainly hope to do these things with Berkeley, though, and I hope you give me a chance to add to your community. I promise to care about people, to smile, to bring the atmosphere of friendliness and southern hospitality to your campus. I promise you won’t regret it. 
To start, I know little about the appeals process. With that said, the little that I do know is that they’re usually looking for new information, not necessarily restating old information or information you already had the chance to share.
That may or may not help you, but it’s something to keep in mind. Also, STEM should be capitalized.
Regardless, best of luck.
Oh, gosh. I can’t believe I wrote stem. Thanks for the reply.
“I know I have some weaknesses, such as old grades. There is a story behind all that, but please know that I started as a very weak student and have grown into one of the strongest in the LMC stem program. I’ve put in the hard hours, with you in in my head each day.”
To be honest I would develop a whole new essay focusing on this one sentence and elaborating on where you were vs where you are now. (If it wasnt included already)
Yes, what he said ^
I don’t think you should bring UCD up at all. Instead, focus more on your academics and goals, and how UCB will help you achieve them etc. Though it’s impressive that you’re doing this with children (I’m right there with you mama!) I think it would be best to not place so much of a focus on how much more convenient UCB would be. ’
Anyways, that’s just my opinion. Good luck!