Berkeley Appeals Letter - SOB story??

<p>Hey guys -</p>

<p>I'm appealing to Berkeley by the encouragement of one of my former professors at my community college. So I composed the appeals letter, and I've mentioned before on this board that 2 weeks ago, a friend that was going to Berkeley passed away unexpectedly. </p>

<p>So the letter does include information about that, but I wrote about this because not only is it a big change in what was presented on my original app, but also because I feel like I owe it to my friend to, in a sense, live her dream for her. She really wanted me to go to Berkeley and major in English with her, but now that she's gone, I feel really indebted to her. So below is my actual letter, and I hope you all can give me some feedback as to whether you believe it is sincere and appropriate, or if it really is too much of a sob story. </p>

<p>The 2 professors I've shown it to have mixed feelings. 1 says that she thought it was very touching, but that it was a pity case. My other prof said that I should provide more detail about the professors on the campus (because I talked about the "stellar faculty" @ Berk) and give specifics as to how the faculty is "stellar", like read one of their books or something and talk about how it's influential.</p>

<p>Anyway, I appreciate any feedback you guys might have.</p>

<p>Recently, a friend with whom I was becoming very close passed away. She was a Berkeley student, and was constantly telling me that when I transferred, to come to Cal. Like myself, she was an English major. When discussing where to transfer, we both were enthusiastic about Berkeley's prestigious English department. When she was admitted and started her first semester this last spring, she affirmed the prestige of the department to me, frequently telling me about her extremely knowledgeable professors many of whom were products of Ivy League schools. Knowing that I had applied for this coming fall, I was intrigued by what my friend had told me about Berkeley and was greatly anticipating joining her in studying the English language, as well as working with a stellar faculty at the campus.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, when her family informed me of her passing, I could not and still do not believe that she is really gone.I shared a eulogy about her life with her family at her funeral, and many of my reflections of my time spent with her revolved around the topic of Cal. She was so excited to have been accepted, and her studies were certainly her first priority. She loved to talk about how lively the campus was. She said that the sights and sounds were a great inspiration for writing, a future pursuit that we had in common with each other.</p>

<p>No one expects a person who is so young to leave the world so suddenly, especially not a young person with so much ambition. In her passing, the only positive thing I can say that I have taken from the experience is that I have been more able to focus on and appreciate the vast compassion she had for life, and thus, I have been able to think of how to use the example she set as a template for my own life. And now that she is gone, I feel the most important thing I could possibly do to express my gratitude toward her for being such a committed and loyal friend, would be to go to Cal and continue where she left off.</p>

<p>Attending UC Berkeley would be my tribute to her memory. I feel confident that if I am granted the chance to attend Berkeley, that the opportunities available to students on the campus, such as clubs and organizations that promote altruism and unity, will give me many ideas and ways to contribute to her memory. She was an avid animal lover, proponent of Hilllary Clinton's campaign, and community activist. I am motivated to become more involved with programs that emphasize these idealisms, because they are areas of life that I know she was deeply concerned about, and I want to promote their causes not just for her sake, but for the sake of future generations, as well as myself and the fostering of my own personal beliefs.</p>

<p>To conclude, I'd like to bring up a favorite quote of my friend's that I have pondered more and more since her untimely death: "Dream like you will live forever, and live like you will die today." This is exactly how she lived her life, so maybe there is some consolation to the fact that she did not live with regret or despair. She worked hard, and was happy, knowing that she was getting closer and closer to her goals everyday. This quote reminds me that life is delicate, so I should appreciate the preciousness of the things that go right for me, and see auspicious moments as leading up to something promising. I see Cal as a place that promotes, and through its incredibly diverse and bright student body and faculty, really symbolizes auspicion and promise. It would be an absolute honor for me to be amongst such a prodigious universe of people in continuing work toward my degree, and if I am allowed the opportunity to attend, I will know that the gateway to my success is absolutely certain.</p>

<p>Thank you</p>

<p>you are really banking on pity here...
you don't have anything which would be considered new and compelling
in terms of academics which is the basic appeal req...
very sad about your friend but do you honestly think they don't
see thousands of this type of story?
a better tribute to your friend would be for you to
attend one of the schools you were admitted to and do so
with all your heart and mind...</p>

<p>ya...i just re-read your letter and you basically provided a bunch of people who don't care
reasons why your deceased friend would be a good candidate for Berkeley but you BARELY mention
the most important thing========YOU</p>

<p>It's a touching essay, but it won't make them change their mind. </p>

<p>Take a look at your application, possibly have a counselor evaluate it, and look at it very critically. Make a list of 'reasons why I was rejected,' and ask yourself if you can provide a truthful justification for those negative things, or ways to put them in context of your situation AND how you were able to overcome those difficulties. Remember that your appeal has to be so strong as to be compelling--they have no option but to admit you.</p>

<p>itchy23 puts it well: your appeal letter doesn't say anything about you. The majority of your appeal letter sounds more like an eulogy than a proper appeal letter.</p>

<p>What the appeal letter should contain is new and compelling information that had an impact on you when you applied. Your appeal letter does not contain this. Your line of thought seems to be this-- my recently deceased friend wants me to go to Cal, therefore I want to be admitted so I can fulfill her wish and live out the life she could have had. It doesn't seem like a logical reason to appeal.</p>

<p>I agree with itchy. Also, I am assuming this is a first draft? The statement comes off a bit clunky, and at times disjointed-- I would try to inject a bit more fluidity, if you can.</p>

<p>Fulfill your own dreams, not someone elses!</p>

<p>I'm sorry to hear about your friend's untimely death, and regardless of whether or not you get accepted to Cal, you can honor the memory of your friend. However, I think your letter is written rather poorly, especially considering you are an English major! Your sentence structure is distracting in certain places, and there are several grammatical errors. I think writing an appeals letter is a great idea considering your unusual situation, but your letter just sounds like a sob story. Also, I agree with your professor that you are very vague in referencing what it is about the Cal English department that you are so enthralled with.</p>

<p>geeze you will seriously look back on this and regret trying to take such advantage of your friend's death no matter how much you try to justify it as 'a tribute to her memory'</p>

<p>Not to be rude, but I think you would be much better off writing about dead poets and writers that have influenced your writing, and perhaps taking note of any professors at Berkeley that teach certain courses relevant to the type of English you're interested in - Comparative Lit, French lit, etc. Your appeal letter must be about the academic lust you have for Cal. Moreover, the letters of recommendation you have should also support your skills as a writer, and your ability to handle the heavy writing assignments that Cal will have.</p>

<p>I would trash the whole death of your friend thing. Everyone loses loved ones, so they might think that this girl needs to get a life and move on. Try to write your letter focusing on yourself and your skill sets and how you can contribute/make an impact at their school.</p>

<p>too much sob, sorry :(</p>

<p>Much like Ashlee Simpson, I now wish to God I had never written a bunch of crap and put it out for people to see in the first place. But now that I've decided what I want to do, I have to follow through and just keep going.</p>

<p>As a writer I am still learning to take constructive criticism with grace and not just start spewing obscenities left and right like a lot of people like to do. But I will start by saying: thank you all for responding.</p>

<p>But to some of you: stay humble. </p>

<p>To Dekscholar: I don't know you, but I think I've seen you post around this board, and I don't believe I ever saw you refer to yourself as an English professor. Therefore, I presume you are just another student. So don't throw out criticisms on grammatical structure, particularly after I've had actual English professors look it over. They commented on the content, but did not note any grammar errors. To put it another way, don't be the coach when you're just another member of the team.</p>

<p>And also, people prefacing their comments with "not to be mean" or things of that sort, just be direct. If you want to be mean, just be mean. Your comments are going to let me know how you feel anyway, so why try to soften the blow if I can already see the 2-by-4 coming at my face?</p>

<p>Again, thank you. Now I have to go and find something to take the red out of my cheeks (yes, I'm blushing.) What sucks is that I can't trash this thread so more people will flock to comment on the Lifetime movie script that is my appeals letter, so please, to you new-viewers, no more knives in the wrists (it's burning, and I'm running out of novocaine...not that you'll listen or anything.)</p>

<p>-Camille</p>

<p>sorry Camille</p>

<p>I feel for u. U can't delete the thread which sucks. I wish they would let us delete the thread we make.</p>

<p>:(</p>

<p>Just based on the general feeling of the essay (the "sob story"), I am going to say that it IS very touching and it's something that appeals to me, but I don't think that it's something that admission officers are looking for. While it sounds amazing to live someone else's dream for them, it just doesn't seem like a strong enough reason to let you go to their school... I hope that makes sense.</p>

<p>Anyways, I have a question for myself, as I will be trying to appeal to Berkeley... </p>

<p>My appeal for Berkeley is based on health reasons, because all my doctors/specialists are in the Bay Area (where I'm from). However, I am scared that this will sound like too much of a sob story... I'm sick blah blah so I want to be close to my health care. While I THINK it sounds like a legitimate reason, I don't want to give the school a concern that I'd be missing a lot of school/performing poorly in classes due to illness. Am I going down the right path, as of now, by using health reasons as my reason for appeal? I don't really have any "new information" to present to them, and I did not mention my own health issues in my original application because I don't usually like telling people about it and I don't like to take advantage of it... thanks!</p>

<p>warrior - i think health issue is a new information, unless u mentioned it in your personal statement.</p>

<p>TO READERS WHO WANT TO POST ON THIS THREAD, DON'T DO IT.</p>

<p>The original poster made it clear that this was a personal piece of work and College Confidential wasn't a good place to share it.</p>

<p>If you have any questions about appealing, ask them on your own thread.</p>

<p>Let this thread die.</p>

<p>You do realize you just bumped this thread, tastybeef?</p>

<p>I think that it was a good idea for Camille to post her letter up. It gives her some insight as to what to fix to make her letter better. The internet is anonymous anyways so it's not like we all really know each other.</p>

<p>and anyways she should have stopped reading after my comment i hit the nail on the head in a respectful way.</p>