<p>My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time and have been through a lot of family tragedies together. We graduated high school together and are now graduating from the same college together in about a month. His dad passed away after our h.s. graduation and my boyfriend used the inheritance to pay for college. His mom and her husband own a condo in Hawaii and as a college graduation gift want to send both of us on vacation (airfare, stay in condo). My boyfriend insists that it is not a big deal ($) for them and they can send us without a problem. Nobody in my boyfriend's family ever expected him to even go to college, let alone graduate, so they are very excited. I get the feeling that part of the reason that his mom wants to send us is because she didn't pay for his school and because she and my bf have had a really rocky relationship. </p>
<p>For me this feels like a SUPER generous gift and makes me uncomfortable. I don't come from a well-off family like he does, so whenever they give big gifts I always feel like it is too much. I am not in any position to pay for my own airfare, which I wish I could do so that I was at least contributing something to the trip. If I decide to go, how could I ever thank them enough for the trip? </p>
<p>I'm worried about the trip upsetting my own family, especially my mother, because they could never offer that type of gift. I don't want them to feel like they are inadequate.</p>
<p>If I don't go, I'm worried about insulting my boyfriend's mother and stepfather. Also, if I don't go, I would likely ruin the vacation for my boyfriend because he has no one else to go with and would either go alone, or not at all. I think I have to go, but how do I avoid hurting my parent's feelings as well as express my gratitude for the gift?</p>
<p>I say you should accept it graciously. It sounds like something they’d like to do for you. I don’t see any issue with not. Be sure to send a heartfelt handwritten thank you note for it, though.</p>
<p>astefforb –
I don’t think this is a problem unless you feel that you’re close to breaking up with your boyfriend, at which point it wouldn’t seem right in several ways, or unless the cost of this trip would pose a tremendous financial sacrifice for your boyfriend’s family.</p>
<p>You’ve been together “a long time”, you know his family, they know you. Families have different resources. That’s life. As long as you don’t expect or demand certain things, I don’t see the problem. My husband’s (but then boyfriend) family had a lot more money – and only one child – than did my family. They took us on vacations, and helped us buy our first home. I really appreciated it. My parents weren’t in a position to do that. But when we had our daughter, my parents – the ones without the money – were the favorite grandparents, because they were able to spend lots of time with her, reading to her, taking her to the park and other things that didn’t have a monetary cost. </p>
<p>I hope your parents will feel happy for you. If you were my child and the situation was as you describe I would be very happy for you. Taking a nice vacation doesn’t mean that you’re cutting yourself off from them. </p>
<p>And congratulations to both of you on graduating from college!</p>
<p>As long as you do not feel that accepting the gift compromises you in some way (the mom is trying to make sure you marry her son or some other weirdness), I don’t think there is anything wrong with accepting the gift.</p>
<p>As for your parents: do they already know about this and have they expressed some concern about not providing an equivalent gift? I couldn’t fly my son and his girlfriend to Hawaii, but I would not be personally offended in any way if I were in your parents’ place. This is basically a gift to your boyfriend from his well heeled mother. You present it as such to your parents. And aren’t you fortunate that you are included! You present it that way, too.</p>
<p>How do you thank BF’s parents? The same you thank anyone for a gift. You would write a very nice note and tell them how much you appreciate their generosity and how much you enjoyed the trip.</p>
<p>There is probably more to this than you posted or I am missing sonething, because I don’t see the problem.</p>
<p>edit: cross post with blackeyedsusan and arabrab</p>
<p>I wouldn’t go until I got a job and could pay for my own flight.
Why can’t the trip be postponed, the condo’s not going anywhere.
This way I wouldn’t feel beholden(since your relationship has been rocky in the past) to the bf’s family.
I hate owing anyone anything. You DON’T have to go.
You aren’t ruining your bf’s vacation, he can ask a guy friend, cousin,or take his mom.
You are not to feel guilty, don’t let them manipulate you.
I think it is too much for them to pay your way and expenses, IMHO.</p>
<p>I understand that you feel a little uncomfortable, and you should certainly honor your own feelings about it. But it seems your bf’s parents have good intentions here, and truly want to give him (and you, by extension) a nice celebration after some hard times and a huge accomplishment.</p>
<p>In my experience, people with little discretionary money give what they can and those with lots of extra $ tend to give bigger gifts. But it’s not the size of the gift that matters. You could reassure your family…“The Smiths just give kind of extravagant gifts because they have $ and like to spend it. But the (name gift) you gave me for graduation means so much to me. I know how carefully you chose it, and I truly love it!”</p>
<p>As for how you express your gratitude for the trip? You say exuberantly, “Thank you! This is unbelievably generous of you, and I’m very grateful!”</p>
<p>The only red-flag I see is the “really rocky relationship” between your bf and his mom. Could this trip be a manipulative kind of thing that could come back to bite him (you) later? Are there strings attached?</p>
<p>You should really see this as a gift to your boyfriend and not to you.</p>
<p>Our family has more resources than my Daughter’s significant other, but we like to go on family trips together an awful lot. We frequently invite him along as a gift to my daughter, not to him, as a gift to ourselves, to be honest, because we want her to want to join us…</p>
<p>We’ve never seen any of the plane tix as a gift to him. We’ve always seen them as gifts we were giving our daughter. We never expect to be paid back and there are no obligations at all. Well, they DO have to have dinner with us a couple of times. But, we also always bring a friend of my younger D’s or we always brought a girlfriend for my oldest before she turned 18…</p>
<p>But, we’ve never seen it as something we were doing for someone else. It’s something we do for ourselves.</p>
<p>I agree with all of the other posters. Go and enjoy and be gracious about the gift. You can send a note before you go, after all of the travel arrangements are made and mention how much you appreciate being included in BF’s special graduation trip. After you return home, write a very heartfelt thank you. You can even give bf’s mom a nicely framed 5x7 picture of you and BF that was taken in Hawaii.</p>
<p>I agree, go!! Try to look at it from their perspective - the money is not a big deal to them, and they enjoy doing something nice for their son and you. Remember, it’s not all about YOU! I think you would definitely hurt their feelings if you declined the gift.</p>
<p>At some point, you’ll be able to do something thoughtful for someone else, too! That’s how I look at it. My parents and in-laws have been generous over the years, and I’m hoping we can be the same for our kids or grandchildren.</p>
<p>aste-You feel uncomfortable accepting the trip.
Your mother will not be comfortable with you accepting the trip.
Tell your bf’s family thank you but their generosity is too much.
Strings are always attached, your gut instinct is letting you know.</p>
<p>Gifts can come with strings attached but that is certainly not always the case. Gifts can also be accepted incorrectly (ie getting ready to break up with someone or a gift out of proportion to the friendship, etc.) But most gifts are given without strings and the appropriate thing to do is accept them graciously.l </p>
<p>For example, we are renting a lake house for a week as PMKjrs grad gift. The first half of the week will be with extended family who are coming in for his graduation. The second half of the week we are letting him invite friends up to celebrate with us. During their time with us we will providing tickets to some local events and, of course, feeding them!</p>
<p>This is a gift to our son and I truly hope that his friends enjoy it as well because they are great kids. I have to pinch myself sometimes to remind myself that this is real, that we really are able to do this for our kid, it’s a dream come true! It would be disappointing to me to find out that any of the kids felt they owed us anything beyond a thank you. It’s a gift, freely given, and it’s meant to be enjoyed.</p>
<p>Learning how to graciously accept gifts and compliments is part of becoming an adult. Also, you cannot expect people to accept gifts from you if you are unwilling to accept them.</p>