Gosh, I’m not even reading any of the replies–this is a reply to the OP original question only. You are way too harsh IMO. I hope you can develop a better and healthier relationship with your daughter. Is life really meant to be about performance and effort and comparison and scores? This seems to be what you are teaching her. How about looking her in the eyes and enjoying and supporting her becoming who she wants to be?
Respect is something earned not given. There seems to be a serious communication and respect deficit affecting every generation . Sounds like some family counseling may be helpful.
@carolinamom2boys, yes, respect is earned, especially among equals. What about compassion (especially to the elders - I think often their need for “respect” stems out of their own vulnerability), what about simple courtesy?
Simple courtesy goes both ways.Children learn by example. I stand by what I originally said. Why hold her to a higher standard just because she’s a teenager ? Words can be more damaging than you think. If my grandmother said that to me, I would be hesitant to call in the future no matter how much I cared or worried about her.
OP, reading about what your mother said to your daughter and going back to the way you had been talking to her, it looks like you fell back into your mother’s way of doing things once your D got past elementary school. No wonder your D has been acting out. You have the power here-you can break the cycle. It isn’t too late for your D to see what loving, caring parents say to their kids to guide them without harping on faults and criticizing them. If you’re lucky, your D won’t be turning to her friends in 20 years asking how to deal with her daughter because of the same exact problems you’re having.
Off topic, but am I the only one who does not expect my kids to call grandma on Mother’s Day? I am their mom. They celebrate their grandparents all year long and on grandparent’s day.
@Lindagaf if it would hurt their feelings not to get a call, I would call. It’s so easy to make people happy-give grandma a call on Mother’s day, what’s the big deal with that?
People who use technicalities to escape being nice like “you’re not my mother” or “you’re a grandmother, not my mother” always boggle my mind. Just take five minutes to make someone else feel loved, sheesh.
It’s not a conscious decision not to call grandma, it is that I never have thought of it. I call my moms on Mother’s Day. It doesn’t occur to me to have the kids call my moms. Just doesn’t cross my mind.
My dad always made a big deal of Mother’s Day for both his mom and OUR mom, his wife. So yes, we would call the out-of-state grandmother. Once we were grown and gone we’d call while at Mom and Dad’s and pass the phone around to talk to her-the great-grandkids too. I have a SIL who buys her D a Mother’s Day card. I always thought it was about mothers or mother figures, grandmothers or stepmothers-anyone who has had a mother-like influence in your life.
@typiCAmom Jumping in late but would love to see more praise for your child. When I was in high school I was much less than an average student and didn’t perform to my potential. My mother supported me throughout with gentle nudges which let me learn how to succeed on my own. Went on to college with the lessons I had learned which helped me reach my potential. If you are the driving force behind your child’s success the entire time they are at home, they may not be equipped with the internal motivation to succeed when they head off to college. Hope this helps!
We parents have 17 years, and once children leave for college, from then on, through the end of their life, they are pretty much on their own to manage their day-to-day life emotionally/mentally and otherwise. I had daily (nearly) struggles with S1 all through K12 (that is, he was criticized nearly daily, but praised when did good, but rarely). Once he left for college, he told me he had struggles initially socially, but dug in and found his way out, and had a good four-years of college experience; and after a couple of years doing what he wanted to do (even publishing a handful research articles), he is now in medschool, doing very well. Our s2 had an absolutely trouble-free K12, so no criticisms or punishments that I can recall, he did very very well through high school, went to a top college, but struggled mightily to a point we don’t know what to do. Our D is doing fantastic mostly, very resilient when she finds things difficult. We are consciously doing both encouragement/praises when/where she does well, and also do not hesitate to give firm disciplines/criticisms where appropriate (or where she needs to adapt/change her attitudes or ways). One recent issue that I noticed with her, which probably is true for nearly all K12 students, is that when working on review/practice problems at home, she only cares about whether she got the answers right or not, and doesn’t seem to care about whether she ‘knew’ everything about the materials related to the problem (or she doesn’t seem to understand that getting the answers right at home on practice problems really doesn’t matter, and that the main purpose of practice problems is different.) The practice problems are opportunity for the students to identify what they know and what they don’t so that they can go back to re-study and re-clarify the definitions, concepts, principles, laws, equations, etc, and return to the problem again, etc. They want instant gratification and praises, and that is just human nature. I don’t believe that doing the parents job right is to just comply and play nice with this ‘human nature’. Doing the parent’s job right is not just becoming a ‘friend’ with your child, I recall, if you do the job right as parent, most times you are not a friend with your child, or something like that. Its not just you, OP, but this is a prevalent problem with this generation which grew up entirely within the influence of internet and social media
http://fortune.com/2016/04/28/young-workers-anxiety-depression/
Since my kids were little, I have made a conscious effort to praise using phrases like, “You should be really proud of that,” or “You must feel terrific about that”–meaning there is no use of the word “I.” Yes, I make it a point to thank them frequently, compliment them freely, and tell them every day (or more often) that I love them; but I rarely say, “I am (or your Dad and I are) so proud of you,” as I want their sense of accomplishment and pride to come primarily from within.
Everyone needs praise. But it is the timing, quality, and source of the praise that matters.
Praise should be 1) based on something the person can control, such as effort; 2) unsolicited and freely given; 3) specific; and 4) given by someone who is a position to evaluate the quality of the work.
The worst thing you can do to a gifted child is to praise her intellect. I know this firsthand, from my experience as a gifted child, and unfortunately, from the inadvertent pressure I put on my own daughter. Of course academic success comes easily to such a child! That is why praising their natural abilities is so demotivating! They think “I am praised for being myself, something I can’t control. What if I want to try something new? Am I still going to be valued?”
The best thing you can do to a gifted child is to praise her positive character attributes. (Actually, this is the best thing you can do for any child, but gifted children don’t hear this type of praise enough.) If she is patient or kind or compassionate, notice it and say something.
Some children try new things and partially or completely stop doing things they once enjoyed at some point or the other especially at that age. It’s their way of finding themselves. Let them happily do it as long as they are not going off track. All we, as parents, can do is offer a lot of love and support in a right way. The definition of right way varies parent to parent and child to child. Sometimes sugarcoat your criticism, be direct other times or just tell them your opinion and let them make their decision. A girl that bright knows what she wants eventually. JMO.
YMMV but I was a gifted child that did fine with my intellect praised. Hard work was certainly more praised because that’s what was valued in my family but I was certainly praised for being smart. shrug
When I was little, schooling was easy for me and I received a lot of praise from many around me for “being smart” - I was even chosen as “Ms. Einstein” in our high school’s yearbook. So when I hit a wall I couldn’t capture right away - chemistry - I felt like a total fraud. I still got an A in the class, but that felt like a fraud, too, almost like I was cheating everyone into believing I understood chemistry when in reality I didn’t. So one thing I’ve been telling my daughter for a while - it’s very difficult to be at the top in everything, i.e. different branches of academics, sports, etc., and it’s totally ok to fail or be mediocre in something (as long as your personal failure doesn’t negatively impact others around you), it doesn’t define you and doesn’t make you into a loser.
It is possible to do both… praise one’s child at different times both for innate qualities and for the things they achieve through effort. I think it would be extremely frustrating for a child (or an adult) who excels in a way that does not seem effortful to others to be denied recognition for their talents, whether those talents are intellectual, artistic or athletic. That in itself might go toward a perception that nothing she can do is ever good enough to please the parents.