Should I worry or just leave it alone?

Parents Social Lounge
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<p>My H says I worry too much but I would like some input from those of you who have had kids in college for more than a year. My concerns may sound ridiculous, but I have a nagging feeling that won't go away.....</p>

<p>D is a freshman at a highly selective LAC in Boston. She was a NMS winner, graduated 7 out of 950, took every AP she could and really worked hard all the way thru high school. She was also very social and talented, singing in 3 choirs each year, musical theater in the summer, lots of EC's including president of Safe Rides. While she had a good time in high school, and had many friends, she was stretched very thin..........her goal being to get into an Ivy or similar. She was quite successful and achieved all of her goals in high school. Ok, so you get the picture.</p>

<p>Now, D is away on east coast and is having a great time, loves everything about her college, seems very happy. While she is undeclared, she is leaning toward IR and is taking intro to IR, Arabic, freshman english and two theater classes. She says she loves being among her "peers" intellectually, something she craved in high school. She also says she feels like she is challenged but not overwhelmed with the work load. She does not sense that the other students at her school have a cut throat, competitive attitude and she likes that a lot. </p>

<p>Still sounds great, right? Here's where I get concerned. She also made the most competitive a capella singing group and is thrilled. She sings Chamber "for fun" not for credit. </p>

<p>Her a capella group travels every few weekends for gigs and has been to Vermont, NY and is now going to Washington DC this weekend. They rehearse 3 or 4 times a week and they perform locally, too. Her chamber group just went to Rhode Island last weekend. She has a pretty brutal rehearsal and performance schedule for between both groups. And all of this is EC. I think she has taken on way too much for a freshman, living on her own for the first time.</p>

<p>When we talk (she is so busy that i get a call once a week if I am lucky............) I get to hear all about the music and friends. I have to ask about the academics and she always says "Mom, you know me, don't worry." I have inquired about midterms, but have never gotten an answer as to how they went. So, here's my question, should I be worried that she has done a 180 degree shift from the intense work ethic that she had in high school or should I just leave it alone? I don't want to nag her about grades, but I wonder if she thinks she "made it" to college and so she can lay back. Anyone experience something like this?</p>

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<p>How about you tell her straight what you're feeling, that she has taken on too much for a freshman. You're entitled to know her grades, as you are probably bankrolling her education. She's your daughter: you can make her take time out of her busy schedule to talk to you.
But sorry to give unsolicited advice: I do know someone like this--worked hard in high school and "burned out." She's a big partier now and says she's taking freshman year to cool off before really working. It's BS and she knows it, of course. But her parents were directing her all along to GET INTO XXX COLLEGE, and when she did do just that, they didn't really have much more to tell her since they weren't looking ahead of that. Moral of the story is, make your daughter understand that grades are still tops.</p>

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<p>I think you shouldn't be too concerned about mid-term grades since they're sometimes meaningless without knowing how they'll be curved and weighted (she may not even know the significance of the score at this point), but I think it's with your rights, assuming you're contributing towards her college, to know what the grades are at the end of the semester/quarter. </p>

<p>Regardless of the grades though (assuming no Ds/Fs), I wouldn't get to worked up over them (unless they're great) since your D can clearly manage herself academically. Worst case, she'll discover she didn't do as well as she would have liked and will probably adjust her ECs herself.</p>

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<p>I beg to differ respectfully from ucsd_dad...I think you should find out her first term grades, ensure that they are close to her usual standard, and only then leave her alone...he's totally right about letting her manage herself academically/adjust her ECs but first you need to make sure whether she is able to do that in the first place. If she is having problems you can then make sure she does something about them--in college it's easier to retreat into "music and friends" as you put it. If she's doing fine then you can leave her be as everyone wants</p>

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<p>As an outsider observer reading your post, I don't find anything to worry about. Doesn't mean we parents (moms?) won't worry anyway ;). Presumably, you will see her grades come semester end. Can you handle the wait? Suppose she has become a B student, not the A student of her high school years.... and suppose that is fine with her. Will you be stressed by that? From what you have outlined, that's what I'm guessing would be the "worst case" scenario (and I'm not saying it's a bad outcome). After all, she's not partying/drinking/drugging/blowing off academics... at least it doesn't sound that way.</p>

<p>To me, it sounds like more time is going into the a cappella because it requires more time. She seems to be saying that she can handle the school work without devoting intensive time to it.</p>

<p>Just a reflection back of what I'm reading. I don't pretend to know what's really going on. But it just doesn't sound like a worrisome picture to me.</p>

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<p>I would look at the bright side too - for now - at least until you know for sure there is something to worry about academically. I would guess she is learning to prioritize and juggle her time much the same way college athletes do.<br>
Also, after reading a few threads by kids feel homesick, unhappy, lonely, etc., it's great to hear of someone who has jumped right in and made herself what sounds like an exciting EC/social life. She can always tone it down later, if necessary. It's still probably easier than convincing a more reticent or shy student to get out there and join in the fun.</p>

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<p>What would be the worse case scenerio for mom....a couple ob Bs, a C, or are you expecting a 3.8 or something</p>

<p>BEFORE you demand to see grades, which may well be your "right", you need to know what you are hoping for</p>

<p>As for her "usual" standard, this is a different place, there is a learning curve and usual, well, that is relative</p>

<p>Say she is pulling all B's....is that bad, if she is able to do that and have a great time, be mentally and physically healthy, and still learn, what is the worry</p>

<p>Even if at midterms, you and she see a some C's...no loss..she will see what she needs to do, she did it before and will adjust</p>

<p>I would not worry, college is for learning about yourself taking responsibility</p>

<p>What, if she got grades that didn't make mom happy (and I am not talking abou D-Fs) what would you do? IF she was passing everyhing, would you make her quit something she obviouslly loves, as an adult?</p>

<p>Something parents need to think about, is, are grades all we want out of college? Or do we want happy, healthy, well rounded offspring who are able to balance most things pretty well?</p>

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<p>I think you are forgetting the intense energy level given to the young. I remember being never happier than when I was careening between college classes, assignments for the newspaper, meals at a short-lived stint in a sorority, a part-time job, all-night cram sessions, going out.....it's college. They're young and they can handle it. My well-meant suggestion is that you not create something to worry about, but wait until it's handed to you.</p>

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<p>If she is healthy and happy, I would not sweat it. She is adjusting to a new life, new responsibilities. Let her fall before you feel the need to pick her up. If it is even falling...</p>

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<p>b4nnd20:

[quote]
...her first term grades, ensure that they are close to her usual standard,

[/quote]

The problem with this is there may be no way to actually know whether it's to her standard or not. Depending on the college/major/and class, she could have gotten a 60/100 and end up with an A or a 90/100 that could end up to be a C. I think many of the profs don't really know what the grades will be until the end.</p>

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<p>H and I went to a Harvard student concert over the weekend and enjoyed it tremendously> It was given by two a capella groups, both of which included several freshmen. I looked at the majors listed for some of the participants, and some of these majors are really tough. A tremendous amount of rehearsal went into putting on the concert, and I marvel that the students in the two groups managed to rehearse so successfully in the middle of midterms (S had three last week). But somehow they do it. </p>

<p>Unless your D is overwhelmed, I would not worry.</p>

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<p>I wouldn't worry. It sounds as if your D's work ethic is a strong as ever, it just may have acquired a slightly different focus. She's found a peer group that satisfies her intellectually...she's challenged but not overwhelmed...ummm...is there anything wrong with that picture? I don't think so. If her grades drop by a few tenths from 4.0, don't sweat it.</p>

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<p>I have a friend who's daughter went to a fairly rigorous southern school. The first semester she was telling her parents all about the fun she was having -- social and otherwise. Her parents were waiting to get the first semester grades and, expecting the worst, pull the car and insist she drop some of her activities. End result -- her first semester grades were higher than Mom and Dad's combined first semester college grades.</p>

<p>I agree with many others who have observed that youth is a tremendous advantage to those who love to multi-task.</p>

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<p>I see NOOOOOOOOOO worries here and I see all really really good going on. If you said she was telling you of partying and hanging out, that's one thing. But what you relate is that she is significantly engaged in ECs at her college (which by the way, is my alma mater). Kids who go to colleges like this, tend to be doing exactly what your D is doing. They are not just engaged in academics but heavily committed to EC passions. I see this very much so with my own kids and their peers at their selective schools. </p>

<p>Just to give you a glimpse....D1 goes to an Ivy league school and maintains very high grades there. She also is on a varsity sport team. In fall semester, that involves 14 hours per week. In winter, during midweek, it involves 14 hours (and being out the door at 6 AM) but it also involves the ENTIRE weekend EVERY weekend off campus, plus 3 weeks full time away over winter break. She is also on a club team in another sport in fall. She also volunteers at an elem school weekly. She has also taken studio courses in her field that involve many long hours late at night on time consuming projects. </p>

<p>D2 goes to a very selective program that entails WAY more hours than a liberal arts program. She takes NINE classes and goes to school most days from 9-6. She is also in an acapella group (starting freshman year) that rehearses two nights per week. She is Asst. Musical Director and arranges a bunch of music for the group on her own time. Occasionally they have concerts or travel though she missed her concert at Georgetown this past weekend, due to being in another performance. That leads me to that she is involved in musical theater shows. She just finished a run of a musical in which she was the musical director. From before the semester even started and since the first day she arrived, she rehearsed at least 30 hours per week (five nights plus weekends), and outside of those min. of 30 hours/week, she also had to learn to play the entire ( Sondheim!) score on piano, do casting, attend production meetings, and hire musicians. She basically was scheduled up all day seven days per week and every night and still is getting A's and has a lot of homework, papers/exams, and the prep work for courses such as acting, etc. She is in a BFA program. She also has on top of that, bi weekly meetings for Scholars and also must do service in the arts in NYC (in her two spare hours per week!). She is now arranging music for someone else's senior project and has been asked to arrange music for a teacher for the class, and also is writing music for a musical that Scholars is putting on, all on top of her own schoolwork for nine classes. </p>

<p>My daughters thrive on this kind of life and I notice that their friends at college are doing the SAME thing. On D1's varsity team, many of the girls are pre-med. D2 has an insanely busy life but would not have it any other way. She even has fit in a boyfriend somehow (didn't hurt that he was in the show she was directing, so they were at the same activity). </p>

<p>So, what I am saying is that many really good students are of the sort who ALSO are very engaged in EC pursuits. I think at your D's college, that is exactly the case. This doesn't mean their grades suffer. Often the kids I know who are the most engaged in activities, are the ones with the very good grades! I know that is my kids' case. I think your D is doing exactly what someone at her college would and should do. I interview for that college and expect applicants to become contributors to campus activities in the way that your D has. I say bravo to her for becoming so involved so soon and it sound to me like she is thriving. I hear NO indication that her schoolwork is suffering.</p>

<p>PS, my older D very strongly considered going to your D's college and so I know she'd be this busy there too.</p>

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<p>My parents (especially my dad) kept expecting to receive a notice from law school that I had been flunked out because the only things I wrote or told them was about the fun stuff (who wants to tell them about studying until midnight all the time?) I was able to strike a balance, as most folks are; it was lower than the 3.9+ I was used to, but was still very respectable for law school & I had a LOT of fun at the same time, graduating with a much better balance than many of my classmates.
I'd say that your D has shown great responsibility to date & I would trust her as she has never shown you any reason not to. By the way, I believe a lot of these smaller schools would definltely cue the student if there was something they felt the student needed to adjust to strike a good balance between academics & ECs. They want all their students to succeed.</p>

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<p>Wow , soozie. Heck of a glimpse there. ;)</p>

<p>OP, watch her like a hawk. LOL. I have had some of the same concerns, possibly enhanced by the fact that D was not exactly a social butterfly during high school. She has had some glitches and false starts that have concerned me greatly but I trust her to find her level. I don't sweat the small stuff, I just want to be sure that she isn't driving off a cliff.</p>

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<p>Bloocroo, I don't think you should worry unless & until your daughter tells you that she is having a problem. You have said there is a "180 degree" turn in college, but I don't see it -- from your post she had a very busy schedule of EC's in high school as well. You will know what the first semester grades are soon enough. </p>

<p>My own daughter has a very busy social life at college, and frequently travels away on weekends. She is in New York, but this past weekend she went to Amherst for their homecoming, the weekend before she was in Boston, the weekend before was Halloween & I know there was quite a lot of partying. But she is also keeping up with her studies -- she found it challenging at first, but she seems to be doing well now -- she called today to tell me that she had received an A on an exam and a perfect score on the essay portion of the exam (in a large class where she is the only freshman), and insisted on reading the essay to me. I think my daughter is studying when she needs to, and also keeping time in her life for play. </p>

<p>If anyone had a reason to worry, it would be me, because my d. comes from a California public high school where academic expectations were far short of the type of competitive east coast high schools many parents here describe, and quite frankly did not have to work that hard -- so I was concerned that she might be in way over her head, especially when she signed up for a harder-than-recommended course schedule, both in terms of the number of units she is taking and the level of some of her courses. </p>

<p>It is true that sometimes a kid who is in trouble academically will avoid answering the parent's questions, but I don't think that you can or should assume that to be the case the first semester of freshman year. Keep in mind that for many kids, the college courseload is actually a little easier to manage than high school, because their college classes meet only 2 or 3 times a week, and usually they have blocks of free time during the day that they can use for reading & studying.</p>

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<p>I know exactly how you and your H feel. I am going through the same experience with my D. She is on the debate team and travels all over each weekend. On top of that she volunteers for two afternoons each week, taking killer courses such as multivariable calculus, and an extra course over the maximum allowed by auditing. I'll be lucky if I hear from her once a week. When I last seen her over Parent's weekend (for a total of two hours), she claimrd to be very happy. Last week, she said her English prof suggested that she may wish to add a major in English. At their age, college kids have so much energy.</p>

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<p>Blucroo, I can't give you a bit of advice, but I can get in the boat with you. Change the activities in the background and at the LAC, and you have described my D totally. She seems to have plenty of time for her sport, dashing off before class and on Fridays to lessons across the river, competing every Saturday or Sunday in other states. Lots of friends. Only complaint has been the cold. Grades??? Hmm. Well, for example, in one class, an 83 at midterm, but I'm not to worry, I'm told, because x made a 58, y made a 73, and z made an 81. It's all good, mom. So, I am like you; it is definitely nagging at me, but what can I do? We knew going in that by going to the school she is going to, she was going to the top. It would be great to be the top of the top, but everybody can't be there. So for now, I am keeping my mouth shut.</p>

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<p>I have only a little to add here:</p>

<p>Like everyone else, I think you are overreacting. Like everyone else, I am amazed at what my kids fit into their weeks.</p>

<p>But. It is entirely possible that your daughter's grades will suffer, even after all appropriate adjustments are made for her college's curve, etc. I had several friends in serious a capella groups in college. Believe me, their grades suffered for it, although I'm sure none of them would have traded the experience for an extra .5 on his GPA.</p>

<p>Apart from the merits or not of a capella groups, though, this is the time when kids learn to make choices for themselves, and learn it through trial-and-error. If she were making choices to use heroin regularly, you might be justified in intervening, but neither her world nor yours will come crashing down if she decides it's OK to get B+s and to sing a lot.</p>