Should my Dad go to a mental hospital?

Paying for College
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<p>He just informed me that instead of 100k, our family's income is really in the 200-250k bracket (which I don't doubt at all).</p>

<p>And apparently my 5000$ a year tuition is a huge burden to him.</p>

<p>Don't get me wrong, I appreciate him paying for my college (well, the second half of my college, since I used to have a scholarship), but that's all he spends on me, and even that I have to beg him.</p>

<p>Then he just told me tonight that he bought 19k in SILVAR DOLLARS and gave me this long speech about how politicians are running the nation into the ground and money will be worthless....I just sat there in disbelief. He gets these crazy plans...one time he was seriously considering buying some land and starting a farm and grow this exotic plant. But these silver dollars he actually went through with.</p>

<p>Just to give you an accurate picture of my situation, I sleep on the floor of his apartment, have to ask him to use the car (he has a truck and a car) but usually can't, and he criticizes me every day for not getting a minimum wage job. In fact, he's always been overly critical of me. And I've always had to ask him for every single little thing. Heck, it's freezing weather and I don't have a good jacket.</p>

<p>I can understand him wanting me to be independent for myself, but it seems like he's just trying to make life harder.</p>

<p>Does he just not love me or is he teaching me life lessons...? (his father started threatening his neighbors with a gun and had to go to a crazy hospital,just in case you were wondering why I wrote the title..)</p>

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<p>Why don’t you get a job? Having your own money will give you more freedom from your father. If you are over 18, he has no obligation to give you anything.</p>

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<p>Good idea. I guess I was talking more of the relationship between him and I.</p>

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<p>maybe as a self-made man he also wants you to become one and not take stuff for granted …</p>

<p>though I think he’s overdoing it.</p>

<p>when I have my own children I’ll force them to get jobs too – but that’s things besides their education.</p>

<p>if they ever get into a really expensive but selective private school, even if it’s within my means I’ll freak 'em out by saying I won’t pay for it or will only pay for so much and you’ll have to work in school, etc. then surprise them at the last minute. I think it would be a good way of making sure your kids will really appreciate the cost of things.</p>

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<p>First of all, I honestly dont have a clue whether this is a joke thread or something serious. Sleeping on the floor of an apartment with a father who earns that much sounds very sketchy… But here’s what I’ll say provided that this person is serious: </p>

<p>Bay, considering this person’s circumstances, that was one of the most arrogant remarks I’ve ever heard in my life. I really hope you were sarcastic in that statement because the condescending, mocking, and demoralizing implications overshadowed the realistic message you attempted to convey. </p>

<p>schaden, I honestly think that your father is crazy because of the fact that he earns OVER 200k a year and has this kind of mindset. However, I would focus on coming up with the solutions rather than thinking about how much of an a-hole your father is. Try anything in your power to get into a deep conversation with your father. Ask him what’s really in his mind, and what you can do to get more money. Your dad most likely has issues that he’s unwilling to discuss with anyone else, and if you found a way to alleviate those issues, you would be in his favor. Try to do the stuff that he asks you to do, and keep trying to talk to him. I think the main thing is to overcome the psychological obstacles that lie between your Dad and your father. If you do that, your situation will probably be a ton better.</p>

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<p>is your dad also somehow a single parent? if not, what is your mom saying?</p>

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<p>I had a father who was like this.</p>

<p>Luckily, he’s no longer in my life. My family is much poorer without him, but IMO it’s for our own good.</p>

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<p>If I was you I’d get a part-time job. Not too many hours, but enough to placate your dad. Then I’d ask him for the money and things you need, even though it sucks to have to ask. I wouldn’t question his schemes, his silver dollars, or his paranoia. Just do what you need to do to finish school. After that, you should just get going with your independent life, maintain a connection with your dad, but cut financial ties with him and move into your own place.</p>

<p>I do think he sounds a little unbalanced, but not necessarily crazy. You just have to make the situation work for now. Getting through college is terribly difficult for students to do on their own. If you can get finished with your undergrad without debt, then be thankful for that and move on.</p>

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<p>This isn’t a joke…right now I’m on the floor on my man-made bed made out of couch cushions. I remember my first year of college other guys in my dorm were all bringing out their new cell phones and then started talking about their EFC for college. They were saying 5k, 7k, etc. and I didn’t want to say that my EFC was 50k, and probably higher now. I certainly don’t feel like our family makes near that much.</p>

<p>And I agree…I think the only way to progress with this situation is to follow his lead (even though half the time I don’t know where he’s going).</p>

<p>He is a really smart person and he has a kindness about him. He hides his true feelings most of the time so I think he has a hard time making relationships, and making friends. He also drinks a lot.</p>

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<p>I guess this is kind of important, but my Mom and sister live in our house in another state that he bought. When he took his new job he moved here. My mom has a job that pays enough so she can support herself and my sister. </p>

<p>I think my Mom loves my Dad but doesn’t understand his actions at all. Because a lot of times it seems like he doesn’t care about anyone.</p>

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<p>Yea, it would probably be best if I just moved on and forgot about him, harsh as that is…</p>

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<p>I actually agree with Bay, too and disagree with Schaden that it was an inflamatory remark, get a small job to give you pocket change if you don’t have any spare cash and your dad and mom don’t give you any. Accept your father for all his idiosyncracies and maybe talk to your mom about your dad to gain some perspective as I’m sure she can give you great insight into your dad. If your college costs are being taken care of, count your blessings. Yes, I can see why you think the entire situation is wierd, but it is what it is. If your “bed” is harming you, talk to your dad about an Aerobed :slight_smile: they are actually quite comfortable and not that expensive and it can go in the closet deflated when you don’t need it. Look for solutions to the issues that bother you that are a compromise between what you think and what your dad might think.</p>

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<p>Your dad sounds a bit like my brother-in-law’s dad. He was an entirely self-made millionaire who over the years invested in gold and silver coins, cars that he believed would become classics, land, the stock market, etc., etc. Some of his investment choices made no sense to anyone but himself. He was hell to live with from all accounts, but also could be very loving. Some of it may have had to do with how much he drank, but it might have just been his basic personality. </p>

<p>You can’t do anything to change your dad. What you can do is change the way you cope with your situation. Stop by student health on your campus and get a referral to a community mental health organization that is free or cheap enough to be affordable on a student budget. Get some help learning coping skills that will help you get through the rest of your education and started in your after college life.</p>

<p>Wishing you all the best.</p>

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<p>Why don’t you live with your mom? How old are you? Do you commute to school?</p>

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<p>Then you, my friend, live a very sheltered life.</p>

<p>OP is 19 or 20 years old, a sophomore in college, and cannot figure out how to get a mattress to sleep on or a warm jacket on his own? I’m sure his peers in who are laying their lives on the line in Afghanistan are crying crocodile tears for him. What exactly is OP doing all day and all summer, if he doesn’t have a job or a car? He’s obviously not studying all that hard if he’s only got a 2.7 GPA. </p>

<p>Sorry, but I don’t see buying silver or a farm in this economy the least bit “crazy,” let alone worthy of being committed to a mental institution. The attitude that a since a parent makes $200K, then that parent is required to provide for their adult child who has made no effort to provide for himself is the height of arrogance.</p>

<p>It is time for OP to grow up and take responsibility for his own life and circumstances. Maybe that is what his father is looking for in him.</p>

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<p>The dad sounds abusive to me. Setting a clear boundary could be one way of dealing with it. If you can, sit down with your dad and draw out a plan how much he can support you and make him stick to it. Good luck.</p>

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<p>Screw you, I earned that at a die hard engineering school and busted my ass for it</p>

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<p>I’m afraid I would only upset him…he does give me food and pay for my college and provide shelter. If I can survive that (going back to college in the Fall) should I just play along?</p>

<p>I don’t see us ever being too close. So I guess it would be best to “mooch” off him until I’m independent.</p>

<p>The relationship between him and I is the main problem, more than getting the leftovers and scraps I think.</p>

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<p>Schaden, some people just get parents who aren’t wired in typical way (I got two). It does diminish your young life in very concrete ways, but you cannot change it.</p>

<p>I wouldn’t consider what you’re doing as mooching off of your dad. He is offering to pay for your college costs and giving you a place to live. You are accepting it. That is not different from countless other families.</p>

<p>You’re right that the issue is your relationship. If you can make changes there to improve it on the margins, then that’s good. But it won’t ever be completely different because your dad won’t be completely different.</p>

<p>My parents who also, between the two of them, were drunk, violent, emotionally closed down, and resentful of having children at all, never changed. (And they didn’t pay for college.) However, all that was motivation for me to be a better parent to my own kids. It is sad I never go to be on the child side of a stable, affectionate family, but I have gotten to do so on the parent side.</p>

<p>Guess I just want to say, lots of kids have problematic parents. Some are worse than others, but it’s just who they are. Ya get what ya get. But <em>most</em> of life is what you make of it. Finish college and go on to make a happier life for yourself.</p>

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<p>I like the buying of silver…weird? no…smart hedge.</p>

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<p>“Just to give you an accurate picture of my situation, I sleep on the floor of his apartment, have to ask him to use the car (he has a truck and a car) but usually can’t, and he criticizes me every day for not getting a minimum wage job.”</p>

<p>I suggest that you get a job – or two or three. I started working in high school because my dad, a dentist, didn’t want to give me any spending money. From the time I was legally able to work, I paid for my own clothing and entertainment expenses. I didn’t see any need to beg my father for money when I could earn it myself.</p>

<p>I suggest that you do the same…</p>

<p>Your father isn’t obligated to give you anything. Yes, it’s too bad that he’s treating you so shabbily, but instead of complaining about it, start doing more to take care of yourself.</p>

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<p>"Then you, my friend, live a very sheltered life.</p>

<p>OP is 19 or 20 years old, a sophomore in college, and cannot figure out how to get a mattress to sleep on or a warm jacket on his own? I’m sure his peers in who are laying their lives on the line in Afghanistan are crying crocodile tears for him. What exactly is OP doing all day and all summer, if he doesn’t have a job or a car? He’s obviously not studying all that hard if he’s only got a 2.7 GPA. </p>

<p>Sorry, but I don’t see buying silver or a farm in this economy the least bit “crazy,” let alone worthy of being committed to a mental institution. The attitude that a since a parent makes $200K, then that parent is required to provide for their adult child who has made no effort to provide for himself is the height of arrogance.</p>

<p>It is time for OP to grow up and take responsibility for his own life and circumstances. Maybe that is what his father is looking for in him."</p>

<p>First, I’d like to acknowledge that you’re “Grow up and take responsibility” point is valid, and that you have more experience than me as a father. That being said, I believe your first statement was like saying to a standup comic “You’ll never be a good comic, get out and never come back” instead of saying “You aren’t good, but you can do X to improve or do X to be happier.” And please don’t counterargue by bringing up my initial post. </p>

<p>My point about the OP’s father is that he earns $200 K and yet has little sense of consideration towards the OP and selfishly decides without any consideration of future consequences. VERY few people who earn over 200 k a year treat their son like this without a reason. That is why I’m suggesting that the OP should consult his father so that they may come to an agreement first. Therefore, maybe the OP can improve his situation while also satisfying his father’s intents. Remember, it is the OP asking for HELP and NOT the other way around. If plan A fails, then the OP might have to do what you said. However, you are entirely skipping the cooperation phase and going straight for the “harsh no-alternative” option. Combined with the pessimistic tone of your post and the situation the OP is going through, I had to respond to your remark. </p>

<p>The thing I notice about college confidential is that some people are honestly asking for help to improve a serious situation. Yet, I’ve seen so many posts where users disregard any social sense and skip straight to the “bottom-insult” post.</p>

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<p>Standingout, </p>

<p>You said few parents that make over $200K treat their children like this. There are people who think that children of the wealthy tend not to be as successful as poorer/ working class kids. </p>

<p>I think the reason I disagree with your post is because you think it’s selfish for the father not to be more generous to his 20yo son. It seems to me that you are asuming the father needs to share and he doesn’t. Now, if the father had other children who he’s treating better, I would agree with you that the son needs to cooperate more with the dad. But the dad strikes me as perhaps somewhat paranoid, definitely an individualist who does NOT want to give his son much. That’s his right. For whatever reason-- right or wrong-- he (I believe) agrees to help provide school, food and a roof over his head and that’s it. It’s up to the son to provide for more.</p>

<p>I’ll be honest and tell you I really don’t provide much in the way of spending $ to my adult kids. I may give them some $ as a gift sometimes when they’re headed out the door but I don’t do it regularly enough for them to expect it. I want them to work for their $ and I’m not sure why people think I should work long hours while 20-somethings sleep all day. Nope, not gonna happen.</p>

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<p>That’s a good point 2collegewego, and I do agree with a few of your sayings. Perhaps I phrased it in a wrong manner, but what I meant is that very few wealthy parents treat their children like this without a clear goal of what they want to accomplish. I honestly don’t think that many rich parents would just think “I’m not giving my Son money because he’s simply a waste of time.” For example, a Father may not be impressed with his son’s independent work ethic, so in truth he may be punishing until the work ethic is developed. As you can see, the OP’s parent does provide tuition, shelter and etc. This means that the OP’s parent must clearly have deeper intents surfaced under the assumption of “You’re independent now, so I’m simply not giving you any money.” Thus, that is why I want to emphasize the importance of finding these deeper meanings and formulating a solution where appropriate.</p>