<p>“Thus, that is why I want to emphasize the importance of finding these deeper meanings and formulating a solution where appropriate.”</p>
<p>Who cares what the reasons are? The son needs to cut to the chase: Get a job and get his own mattress, jacket, etc. I have the feeling that if the son did this, the father may be more generous. Even if the father doesn’t become more generous, at least the OP would be able to afford a bed and a jacket.</p>
<p>I certainly wouldn’t be generous if my adult offspring was refusing to work while whining that I wasn’t providing more for him.</p>
<p>First of all I want to thank all the moms for replying. At least I know someone cares about me on college confidential.</p>
<p>Second, my Dad has never given me that much attention, and he has never had a good relationship with me. To all those saying I need to grow up and take responsibility, well I don’t think you really understand the context of my upbringing. I was pretty much ignored throughout my childhood and left to fend for myself. And even then, I played on a travelling soccer team, worked as a referee for 5 years, and got into a nationally ranked college.</p>
<p>After being out of school for two weeks, I know I need to get a job. I’d probably be happier having a job and being more independent from my father. Thanks for the heads up.</p>
<p>Standingout, I agree with you. </p>
<p>For a long time I thought my Dad just didn’t care about me at all, but now I have mixed feelings. The other day he was lecturing me on not getting a job and talked about how he had to work all his way through college with three or more jobs yada yada yada. I am thinking maybe he is just wanting me to go what he had to go through. I don’t understand his reasoning for that though…I know he has plenty of money and could make my life much easier by providing me basic stuff. And that doesn’t mean I’m going to feel any more entitled…I am talking about basic stuff. A bed. Clothes. etc.</p>
<p>If he had a good relationship with me and other people I wouldn’t say much, but at times it feels like he’s trying to drag me down this dark hole. And I’m at a conflict where I want to be independent from him but I also need to go to college. And in a way I want to maintain connections with him.</p>
<p>Its pretty obvious what Dad wants him to do, since he tells OP every day!</p>
<p>Both of my college-aged kids got campus jobs their freshman year, without my asking. I did the same when I was in college. Neither they nor I ever had any expectation of “getting” (OP’s word) anything from our parents other than tuition, room and board. </p>
<p>Schaden, I know you don’t want to hear the “back in my day story” but my parents were well off. They paid for my private college education but made it patently clear I wasn’t “welcome” to come home after graduation. They “invited” me to come for a couple weeks to relax but made it clear I was on my own. This wasn’t “new” news, they had never given us many things “other kids” got that were in the same economic situation and their basic message was always underlying all their actions. The economy was in a tailspin when I graduated with record numbers of colleges graduating students. Jobs were scare and the economy was troubled. I managed. I had to move to another region to find a job and they “helped” me by advancing some money that they expected to be paid back. I certainly thought my starting salary was a kick in the teeth, but it was in my “career track” and I took it. It was no fun and I felt all kinds of injustices were being heaped on me “compared to other people.” But in retrospect I needed that kick in the seat of pants and push out of the nest. This type of parental attitude has been going on for decades. Sure your dad could “make things easier” for you…so could my parents have “made things easier for me” but there was a valuable lesson there that I didin’t understand for decades. You know what you need to do. Your dad is telling you this and other parents are telling you this.</p>
<p>What comes through to me, from reading these posts, is that schaden is lacking some basic emotionally supportive parenting. He doesn’t sound like he’s a brat, or spoiled. A kid can be spoiled, no matter what the financial situation. Also a kid can be lacking in loving, supportive parenting in “wealthy” homes, too. Shaden doesn’t seem ungrateful to me, just kind of empty and not understanding why his dad is emotionally distant.<br>
I think difficulties in relationships are much easier to deal with if there is understanding of why. I have a bipolar relative, and all of the free coats or beds in the world couldn’t undo the pain that this person has caused her sister. The sister just want a somewhat normal, loving relationship. (The BP relative refused to take her meds.)</p>
<p>His dad may not be capable of giving the love to his kids that they deserve, for whatever reason, at this time. (ie: depression…) Parental expectations and discipline, when fair and given with love, will have awesome power! IMHO, Schaden needs an emotional support system to help him to not look to his dad to give what he’s apparently not able to give. Some of the emptiness and frustration may subside and then perhaps Schaden can remedy some of the basic physical, need stuff on his own.</p>
<p>My son has gone on several international mission trips now to very, very impoverished cultures. After building a home for a family in Mexico, helping to feed homeless, talking to depressed, drug-addicted males in Cape Town, there is one thing that broke his heart the most. He played with children, who had one parent at most, who didn’t know how old they were. Their drug-addicted (in majority of cases) parents didn’t celebrate their childs’ birthday! :(<br>
The kids were overjoyed, playing with my son, getting lots of hugs and doing VBS. They didn’t seem to care about their ragged clothes or the squalor that they lived in. But they cared GREATLY about the love they received from these teens!! No one’s 100% at fault, but everyone needs love and it’s a great motivator.</p>
<p>Shaden: As an adult, which you now are, you need to know that some things just are the way the are. You’re not going to change your dad. The only thing you can change is yourself and your situation. Use your own grit and determination and strike out on your own. Would it have been nice to have your dad provide more things for you? Sure. But he didn’t. As hard as it is, take your emotions and feelings out of the equation and look at the reality and get to work changing your life. If you have other family members who can take you in, that’s great. If not, find a cheap apartment with a roommate (or 2 or 3) and start your adult life away from a dad who can’t or won’t help you. It’s not terrible. You’ll survive.<br>
Now, get going!</p>
<p>OP - I dated someone very seriously who had a father like that. The father was incredibly successful economically, but wouldn’t pay for his son’s education when the son had worked his butt off to get to a top school. He spent all his money on girlfriends and when son was home from college, he (son) slept on a couch because his father couldn’t see fit to provide him an actual bed. Son didn’t have the proper warm clothing for school in a cold climate. It was truly awful and I would say in hindsight borderline abusive. Bay, I think that’s awful to suggest this kid is “sheltered” because his own father won’t provide him a freakin’ bed. OP - son grew up and left his jerk of a father far, far behind and I suggest you do the same. Good luck to you.</p>
<p>" The other day he was lecturing me on not getting a job and talked about how he had to work all his way through college with three or more jobs yada yada yada. I am thinking maybe he is just wanting me to go what he had to go through. I don’t understand his reasoning for that though…I know he has plenty of money and could make my life much easier by providing me basic stuff. "</p>
<p>My father was an immigrant who literally had to walk 10 miles for work before he moved to the U.S. when he was a teen. He ended up putting himself through college and dental school here.</p>
<p>He figured since he had paid for his college, I should have been able to do the same.</p>
<p>He also wasn’t particularly involved in my upbringing though he and my mother were married and lived together. </p>
<p>That being said, I think that you should just get employment and pay for the things that you don’t have. Since you are an adult, your father isn’t obligated to house you or to pay for your college expenses. He is giving you some money, and is giving your shelter. You can choose to complain about what he’s not giving you or you can be thankful that at least you have some basic things that, you’ll find, some college students from affluent homes aren’t getting from their families.</p>
<p>I honestly don’t understand why you would choose not to get a job and buy a bed and warm clothes. If it’s a minimum wage job, at least it’s employment. My first jobs were minimum wage – working as a cashier and cleaning someone’s house. Not typical things for dentist’s daughters to do, but since Dad wouldn’t give me what I needed, I worked to get those things and never looked back.</p>
<p>You might read “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward to help with boundary setting – Dad can be on a roller coaster (about silver, the country or whatever else) and you can choose when to go on the ride too. You might work at listening politely and asking questions just so that you truly understand how he views the world. </p>
<p>Al-anon may also be helpful. You can’t stop your Dad from drinking, but you can have resources to help you deal with the ramifications of his drinking. It may help a lot to talk to others who are in the same situation. They may have some specific survival techniques that help quiet a situation or defuse an argument. </p>
<p>We shop at Goodwill. It can be amazing what you can find for just a few bucks. A fleece pullover and a rain jacket may get you through until the weather warms up. </p>
<p>As odd as it seems, try saying a genuine Thank you to Dad – for something he paid for or some good thing he taught you. It is an odd truth of leadership. If you ARE what you want to see in someone else, then sometimes they come along. If you want him to appreciate your decent qualities, then start with some words of appreciation about his. I’ll warn you that this technique tends to take about 3 to 6 months to start working – but I’ve had some real good fortune with it. It doesn’t fix things – but it does take you to a better base situation. </p>
<p>Good luck. Please take time to be gentle with yourself. Take a moment to really enjoy a cup of coffee or a sunset or some bright daffodils. When the world is being mean, you can choose to be kind – starting with a moment of gentleness for yourself.</p>
<p>You might also have a conversation with Dad about the buying power of the dollar. For instance, we had one college fin aid officer tell us that it would take a job of $20 an hour to have the buying power of a minimum wage job of 25 years ago. </p>
<p>So today’s kids can work a job but have less buying power than their parents did at college 25 years ago.</p>
<p>If I’m following the story correctly, while you were at college at Georgia Tech on scholarship, for some reason your father had to move out of state to take a new job, leaving your mother and siblings behind in your family home. So he’s rented himself an apartment and is still contributing to the household of the rest of your family. This can’t be easy.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, you slept through your classes at Georgia Tech (although you’ve said you worked your butt off you also admitted this elsewhere) and hated it so much that you walked away from a scholarship there and moved to where your father lives.</p>
<p>I imagine he said to you, “OK, if you insist on dropping out of GT and giving up your scholarship, I will pay your tuition and you can stay here in the apartment, but you are going to have to get a job to pay your expenses.” He can’t have been too happy about this turn of events.</p>
<p>You think his salary is a lot of money, but it sounds like he is trying to save for other siblings’ college, his own retirement and your mothers’, pay rent and mortgage, and maybe deal with whatever financial issues may have arisen that made it necessary for him to move out-of-state for work. He had not been counting on paying for your college, since you had a scholarship. This is out of the blue and not something he’d budgeted for. He expects you to contribute. </p>
<p>I may have gotten some of these facts wrong, but try to imagine the story told from HIS perspective.</p>
<p>I agree. I have read through the facts as OP presented them 3 times, and I do not see anything the least bit “abusive” about this father. </p>
<p>OP lived in a dorm freshman year, now he moves into his father’s apartment, (I would guess it is a one-bedroom) sophomore year. OP doesn’t have a job, nor does it appear that he has ever worked since starting college - at least he has not shared such - even while his Dad has asked him every day to get a job. He is complaining that his Dad did not provide him with a decent bed or jacket, yet OP hasn’t related to us any efforts he has made to solve these problems himself. He just expects his Dad to give him stuff, and calls his Dad crazy and implies he belongs in a mental institution. Yes, OP thinks his Dad is the emotionally “distant” type, but so what? Nothing that this father has done indicates anything other than he cares about and has provided for his son’s welfare.</p>
<p>No, I think you two have it wrong. My dad didn’t move out of state to “help the family”. I’d say he moved out of state more like “to escape the family”. As I said earlier, my Mother has her own job and can support herself and my sister.</p>
<p>My father goes out to eat at least once a day for lunch, and while I wasn’t here it was usually for dinner too. He drinks a bottle of wine a night and I don’t know how much beer he drinks, but it’s probably a lot. I also have no idea how much money he has in the stock market or anything like that because he mostly keeps it to himself. All I know is his business is doing really well even with the economy.</p>
<p>Bay, you keep bringing up the my problem is that I’m a self-entitled spoiled kid, which I’m not. I didn’t bring this up for the sole reason that I want more money from him. Really, the more money I get from him, the more I feel reliant on him which I don’t like all to much because as I said we don’t have a great relationship. </p>
<p>Thanks for other peoples’ advice and I should become more independent. I want to maintain at least some relationship with my father but I probably shouldn’t expect too much. We talked last night about health care and watched TV…nothing heartwarming but it is what it is. I might go look for a job in the next few days.</p>
<p>I think you should see if you can move in with your mom. I’m sure you love your dad, but this does not sound like a healthy relationship, plus you have the stress of living with an alcoholic. How long have you been living with him? Did you have a bed in high school, or has he always been like this?</p>
<p>I didn’t say this, and I don’t think this. What I think is that you are immature. For some reason you have not understood the importance of finding a job, both from the standpoint of improving relations with your father, and from the standpoint that this is exactly the time in your life when you should be transitioning to financial and emotional independence. </p>
<p>I lived with him until he moved away, but back then it was pretty much like he didn’t live there.</p>
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<p>You implied it, and you pretty much re-stated it in this post.</p>
<p>Like other people have said, a job would be beneficial to me so I can be independent (from my father), and that’s the value it would hold for me. I think you’re missing the bigger picture of what I conveyed in the post…which is that my dad is a hardass and what I should do about it, which is either try to improve relations somewhat while becoming more independent versus cutting relations completely.</p>
<p>A job will never be the holy grail for me.</p>
<p>I don’t need someone *****ing at me and telling me what to do with my life also, so Bay take your so called constructive criticism elsewhere.</p>
<p>It sounds like you only want to hear what you want to hear from others. Is that right? Remember that you started this thread, and asked for opinions on a public forum about your situation. Like everyone else, I’m a member here, and am entitled to post my opinions. </p>
<p>All I have suggested is that you go out and get a job, so you will no longer have a need to “get” things from your Dad. Why is that so hard to take?</p>
<p>You seem to be hung up on other peoples’ new cell phones, your lack of a bed/jacket, your father’s personal purchases and how much money he appears to have. </p>
<p>A job is everyone’s ticket to buying their own beds and jackets, and making their own life decisions. It is the holy grail for independence. Why tether yourself to your father’s whims and grovel for his “scraps” when you don’t have to? You’ll never be able to improve your relationship with him if you are always resentful about his lack of generosity and he is disgusted with your failure to make efforts to contribute monetarily to the household and your own needs.</p>