<p>This honestly sounds like my dad, except he’s got a tiny russian blonde and her daughter whom he caters to their every whim. (Just bought her a nice new red car, and if I could drive, I can tell you now he would have never even thought about getting me a used one. And got a new apartment for them…buys her clothes, dinners wherever she wants, etc. and as much vino as possible.) </p>
<p>This wouldn’t normally be bad, but my dad screwed me over in Finaid as many times as he could- first he refused to submit the CSS and I told him not to bother, I’d get a waiver. Then he submitted anyways, and refuses to pay the amount they expect me to have, when it’s not as if my mother can afford it, since she’s paying off <em>his</em> student loans. (2nd mortgage.) </p>
<p>I’m going to have to agree with the “I’m not spoiled, but this is crazy…” idea. It wouldn’t be so bad, but I know my dad has all the money, and just refuses- even neglecting my younger brother in favor of this Girlfriend’s daughter. </p>
<p>And to top it off- he really is crazy. Not just anti-depressants and probably PTSD, but he thinks he’s ~psychic~ and sees the ~future~ when he’s not clearing off a bottle of merlot with his just barely not a mail order bride. (He did sign up for some of those mail order sites…)</p>
<p>OP- I feel your pain. And I’m just resigned to working a lot of jobs for the next four years. I can’t say about you, but I need my dad to cosign my loans for four years- although if any point he refuses, I might appeal to my grandma. And for four more years, I will be civil. After that, I’m going to do whatever the hell I want, and I certainly doubt I’ll be calling him up and asking him how he’s doing, and if I can have dinner at his place.</p>
<p>Schaden, I think it is possible that getting a job would actually improve relations with your father significantly.</p>
<p>Is it possible he is angry and frustrated with you because he perceives you as lazy and entitled? I’m not saying you are, I’m asking you to try very hard to stand in his shoes and look at you, his son. Just do this “thought experiment.” Try it. Imagine yourself posting to a Dad’s board. What would you write about a son who had a scholarship to Georgia Tech and lost it/gave it up because he didn’t like the social life? What would you write about a son who did not seem to be making any effort to find a job? Would your heart be overflowing with warm feelings, or would you be irritated?</p>
<p>Sometimes as parents we are taught a strategy for getting our kids to do what they should do–a technique called “natural consequences.” For example, if we think the child should eat what is for dinner, but he refuses, then we let him go hungry…when he is hungry enough, he will eat what is for dinner, and meantime, he will not starve. (This isn’t my method but a lot of people use it.) So, your father told you he wants you to get a job to pay some of your expenses. Perhaps he is using this technique: if you get cold enough, uncomfortable enough, inconvenienced enough, you will get a job. If you want to earn his respect, which could really improve your relationship, then take some tangible steps to demonstrate your sense of maturity and responsibility. Earn his respect. It could transform your relationship.</p>
<p>DeskPotato said it well. I have three HS sons. My eldest and youngest sons have the potential to get full-ride scholarships. However, they are not serious enough. As of today, I told them that they will have three choices:</p>
<p>1) #1 state school with full ride scholarship,
2) #4 state school with full ride scholarship,
3) Community college and take out a loan themselves.</p>
<p>My second eldest son is not as strong academically. But, he is willing to work. For him, the choices are:</p>
<p>1) #1 state school with full tuition scholarship (I will pay the R&B)
2) #1 state school with 1/2 tuition scholarship (he will take out the loan to cover 1/2 tuition and I will pay the R&B)
3) #1 state school (he will take out a loan = 1.0 tuition and I will pay the R&B) </p>
<p>If they can do it and choose not to make an effort, they will have to live with the consequences. In all cases, I will provide food and warm clothes. They’ve got their beds already. </p>
<p>I believe that that is the reason why we call parent’s contribution EFC (expected) rather than MFC (mandated). Also, if they waste all the family savings on tuition, I will not have any money left for them in the future. If they are clever, there are really no other options.</p>
<p>Schaden, none of us know your situation as well as you do; you’re living it. Maybe you were exaggerating or maybe you weren’t. But my impression is you’re hurt by your father’s actions (and inactions) in the way he treats you and that, not a lack of mattresses or coats, is what you’re really trying to express. I’m not going to say, “Oh, he’s your father so deep down he loves you!” because some parents just don’t and others DO love their kids but hurt them anyway. Love can be expressed in horribly harmful, unhealthy ways. </p>
<p>So reflect on your situation. If what I’m saying resonates with you, consider putting distance between you and your father–either physical distance by living with your mom or emotional distance. Try reading that book Olymom was talking about.</p>
<p>I do think you should get a job, not because it will impress your father, but because the sooner you save up money, the sooner you can get out of Dodge. Also because making some new friends at work might cheer you up.</p>
<p>Maybe you’re right, but I find it hard to believe because even when I was juggling three sports and making good grades in high school he was still a stiff. And if that is really the case where he will only respect me if I become a workaholic, then I don’t want it.</p>
<p>I guess he isn’t as bad as I am making him out to be, but he is definitely one of those oddities. And I really am sleeping on the floor. </p>
<p>Gonna stay civil with him so I can get through college, but I don’t want his respect I don’t think. I’m kind of like Austin Powers.</p>
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<p>If he’s like my Dad, he’ll say no, I can’t afford it…then the next day he’ll go buy something extravagantly expensive to reassure his financial superiority.</p>
<p>Schaden, read the book. Trust me. It should be in the library. </p>
<p>You will learn a hard lesson in life: you can’t change anyone. It’s not psychological mumbo-jumbo; it’s just the way it is. You need a job to get your independence, to become a real grown-up. If you end up with a better relationship with your dad, great. If you don’t, then at least you have your independence (or at least a jacket and bed). </p>
<p>I understand that it makes you angry that other kids have more support. You’re right: they do. Parents are just people who had a child. We all have issues, we all make mistakes, most of us end up with regrets. Your dad may not be a very good father-- but that’s something you have to accept. You cannot argue him into being a better father. </p>
<p>When I read your post to one of my daughters, the first thing she said was she would move back in with mom. I have to wonder why you haven’t. It may be your best option-- not because of $ but because of stability. If you find that you keep banging your head against a wall trying to get your dad to change, I’m going to suggest you run to your college counseling center. That probably sounds extreme to you but, right now, you are at a critical part of your life. Too many young adults find themselves in bad situations because they were reeling from parental drama. You need to get to a place where your father’s drama is not yours.</p>
<p>I already asked for him to cosign loans- but they’re going to be in <em>my</em> name, not his, which he feels is acceptable, so long as I don’t default, in which case he’ll “hunt you down”. But yes, he otherwise does this: Has a new car, a new and bigger apartment, and is planning to try to buy a house and ANOTHER car next year- despite whining that he has no money.</p>
<p>You’ve gotten a lot of good advice and support here. I just want to add in that I am picking up on your pain and sense that it is not really about the money and material support but the underlying lack of emotional support that you are expressing. I too have a father like this. There is often a narcissism inherent in people like this. They are NOT CAPABLE of feeling true empathy for any one. If you are someone who is able to feel empathy it may be hard for you to imagine that your father may not be able to. It is very hard to accept not being loved by a parent. So hard to accept that sometimes we would rather chase after that love and even hurt ourselves (in so many ways…actual self abuse but also subtle ways that show up as not being able to succeed in life) than accept the painful truth about the parent. Another hard thing is that even if you start to take care of yourself and create a life that reflects your own values you will always have that core of grief within you. It needs to be respected cared for. Find ways to do this for yourself. Find a therapist, pray, meditate whatever. But the best way to care for it is to make good relationships in your life. If and when you have children, be the parent you never had. If you happen to work with kids help them feel loved and see the light within themselves. This is a very important time of your life. You could shut down and get depressed. The very fact that you are asking for help is a good sign that you are a survivor and have the humility to admit your feelings and your vulnerability. One day at a time Shaden. Keep asking for help… it will show up in ways you least expect and your life will be better for it. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help, you are human. You don’t have to be a superman. But you will find that you do have strength and can accomplish amazing things.</p>