If I pay for my sons’ college and essentially, have less retirement money, should I expect them to support me financially when I get old and retire? Is that a fair expectation?
IMO, no. It’s not fair to “expect” anything. Your primary goal should be to protect your financial future and your sons’ college budgets should work around that reality. There are far too many things that can go wrong to put your retirement future in the hands of your children.
That can be a risky financial strategy for both the parents and the kids.
The parents risk the possibility that the kids will not earn enough money in the future to support both themselves and the parents.
The kids will be forced to chase the money when making career and life decisions, and may have to delay or cut back on other financial goals (buying house, raising kids, etc.).
Not unless you bargain for that. If you pay and then just expect your children to support you when they had no idea that’s why you were paying for college, then I think you’ll be disappointed and your children will be angry.
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should I expect them to support me financially when I get old and retire? Is that a fair expectation?
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No.
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Your children’s future marriages could be damaged by such an expectation. This kind of thinking may work in some foreign cultures, but it probably won’t work well here for a number of reasons.
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What if your children’s spouses’ parents had such an expectation? What a burden supporting TWO sets of parents!
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What if one or more of your kids ends up not earning much? Does the remaining child who may be a good-earner bear the brunt since siblings can’t?
All I expect from my kids when I retire is for them to be available in case of emergencies. We’ve provided adequately for most contingencies, including long-term disability. But inevitably the kids will have to do something about the, um, bodies; and then be sure to execute the estate plan.
OP’s earlier posts…
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Hi! I am new to this forum and this is my first post. I am in dilemma right now whether to send my eldest son to a state college in town where I could afford to pay the tuition fee and also, he has to stay in my home, or to send him to a state university out of town where I have to take a loan for the dorm/food and other expenses. Again, I can afford to pay the tuition fees, but have to take a loan for all others.
Also, I have another son who will go to college a year after my eldest son. If I send my son to state university out of town, it is unfair for my second son to be sent to state college in town. So, I am in dilemma. It means, I have to take 2 loans 2 years from now, which mean 30k dollars a year x 4 = $120k minimum.
They will not qualify for FA and if both of them go at the same time, they may qualify for 5k each only.
My question is, should I pay for my son’s college of his choosing, or college of my choosing?
Hi! I am new to this forum and this is my first post. I am in dilemma right now whether to send my eldest son to a state college in town where I could afford to pay the tuition fee and also, he has to stay in my home, or to send him to a state university out of town where I have to take a loan for the dorm/food and other expenses. Again, I can afford to pay the tuition fees, but have to take a loan for all others.
Also, I have another son who will go to college a year after my eldest son. If I send my son to state university out of town, it is unfair for my second son to be sent to state college in town. So, I am in dilemma. It means, I have to take 2 loans 2 years from now, which mean 30k dollars a year x 4 = $120k minimum.
They will not qualify for FA and if both of them go at the same time, they may qualify for 5k each only.
My question is, should I pay for my son’s college of his choosing, or college of my choosing?
I did tell them that I could afford to pay for tuition up to 15k each and after that, it will be a loan. I can afford only 30k a year.
Since my eldest son will go to college first, I could pay 30k now (tuition and dorm, etc.) but the following year when both my sons go to college at the same time, the 30k will be split between the 2 of them, 15k each. Then, both of them (or I, parent) have to take a loan for the remaining expenses. If both go to state college in town, that would solve my dilemma. But my eldest son insists on going out of town state university.
As per my calculation, I will end up with 120k debt and each of them will end up with 30k debt, after graduation.
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You can insist that you will only pay X and I wouldn’t lend or borrow ANYTHING that threatened your ability to retire and support yourself.
Your son can “insist” all he wants, but he either needs to apply where he’ll get the merit he needs, or earn the difference.
Thanks to all for sharing your opinion.
So, in budgeting…1) retirement first, then 2) kid’s education?
It is so sad that in my case, all through out my life, I’ve been working hard, earning minimum wages, until a couple of years ago that I got break after joining an oil company that pays me 170k a year, for a job that put my life and limbs at risk. Bad timing it is that, my sons will go to college and I am earning too much for them to qualify for FA, but not saved for my own retirement and their college because my luck came too late in life.
Yes, of course, I expect that my kids would support me. It’s called “family”.
I do not expect our kids to support us…and yes we paid for college. But I do hope they will be around, visit, and help us with things we need to do. To me that is what families do.
@ dad3sons Note, If your sons would marry (divorce is always available, as long as you don’t have kids), when they are still in school, they will not depend on your income for FAFSA, and automatically qualify as low income. Just an idea.
??? earning minimum wages and then suddenly $170k per year? What WERE you doing before and what are you doing now?
you don’t want to make any decisions now that might make you a financial burden to your children in the future. but it’s called family for a reason, life throws curveballs at you, and if your kids saw you in a difficult situation later in life and did nothing – well, i would not think highly of the kind of people they turned out to be.
i think this whole discussion is a family matter and requires the whole family’s active participation and cooperation. your retirement is not your issue alone and your son’s education is not his alone – these are important issues that affect the entire family and as such, you all should sit down together and lay out all the cards and discuss how these issues are interconnected.
in your case since you have not been able to set aside $$$ for retirement until recently, that is something that should be addressed point blank when you are discussing college financial decisions. you are simply not in a situation where you can go deep into debt while trying to build a belated nest egg. but your son needs to be aware of that and understand how an imprudent decision now could create a problem for both you and him down the road.
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??? earning minimum wages and then suddenly $170k per year? What WERE you doing before and what are you doing now?<<
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i would have guessed he got an oil job in North Dakota but he is in CA.
I know, it sounds impossible…but lucky for me, a friendly connection got me a job in the oil fields,…pay is really good with overtime, of course…first year I made 140k and then 2nd year 170k…with the oil industry now suffering because low oil prices, that might also end soon…I am crossing my fingers that I keep my job…
Thanks for that advice. I guess I need to have a father-son talk and discuss matters that relate to their education and my retirement.
I have nothing against kids helping parents. However, I want to share my story quickly to show why it can be risky to leave your future in the hands of your children. I am in my mid-20s and getting a PhD. I should make good money right out of my program because my program has a near-100% placement rate in tenure-track positions.
But in my very first year, I became very sick. Months of testing later and it turns out I have an extremely complicated autoimmune disorder that will severely impact my ability to work for the rest of my life. It could’ve happened to anyone and no one expects to be struck down in their 20s with a debilitating, lifelong illness. I went from being someone who worked full time while going to school full time and graduating with high honors, PBK, and internships to someone who can’t read for more than a half hour without needing to take a nap.
My point is: things happen. It isn’t fair to put added pressure on your children.
(The caveat of this is that I did help my parents until I became sick. Now they help me. This is what families do, but there was never, ever any expectation that either of us would support each other.)
It’s unfortunate that you have to suffer that much in your mid-20s. I think I have to agree that expecting my children to support me in my years of retirement is a bad idea. I guess, my only choice now is to keep working until I can’t.
You could always tell your sons that you have no intention of taking loans and insist they attend a school that’s affordable for your family. Students can borrow ~$5500/year. If parents have to borrow, the school isn’t affordable.
My eldest is commuting to our state school and our youngest will probably go there too. We set a budget and told our children they have to pick colleges based on what we can contribute, what they can save, and any merit aid they can get.
It’s up to you to decide how much you can pay for each of your children; they have no business trying to decide for you. Tell your sons what you can afford without loans each year and stick to it. Since your job may not last all through their college years, I’d suggest commuting (if they have that option) or applying to schools that offer good merit aid for their stats.
Save as much as you can for your retirement. If you can afford 15k/year for each without taking loans (and that includes no loans if you’re laid off) tell them that. If you’re really comfortable with a lower number, then decide what that is and tell them. But I wouldn’t let them dictate what that figure should be. The worse that happens is that the eldest has to take a gap year and apply to more affordable schools. Good luck.
You have the opportunity to accomplish two things at once. Take care of your retirement while you have this great job and teach your kids to make fiscally responsible decisions.