Both things can be true. I wouldn’t expect my kids to be flying first class and buying Versace while I’m huddled in a cardboard box under the bridge, but I would do everything in my power to have managed money wisely so it didn’t get to that. Of course they would “rescue” me from doom, but it’s my job to ensure I don’t get into that doom in the first place.
every family member should do what they can to support themselves into retirement and beyond. and every family member should be willing have each other’s back if circumstances or catastrophe makes that goal unattainable for someone.
@NotVerySmart It is not just 18 years because they’ve paid for your college, that’s the premise of the question.
I am not advocating one thought over another…to each his own. Parents who are expecting support but eventually didn’t get it will be disappointed. I guess lowering the expectations will be better as it may result to parents saving more for retirement. So much expectation of support from children may result in overly supporting their children in college such as incurring tons of parent plus loans and preparing less for retirement.
But those two can be mutually exclusive if parents are rich. How rich should one be to afford paying for children’s college and also saving enough for retirement?
Look, OP recently got a high paying job, after min wage. A hard job and not secure. And he’s already older.
The base question is, since he doesn’t qualify for aid, what might his kids expect? And what’s fair? If he spends this money and is in need later, would they support him, knowing he did not invest in his own retirement? Or, if he points them to affordable schools, would they resent? (And would the affordable choices help or hinder their own futures.)
Same question many of us ask ourselves. But you can’t compare your own stability, income, investments, a cushier job in demand, etc. Nor can you say, I would help my parents or I wouldn’t expect it, based on your own present security.
Most if us are advocating some long term thinking. That’s not selfish, it’s practical, for this poster. Then if the kids are supportive, super.
You’ve captured my thoughts or dilemma quite clearly into a simple summary. Moving forward, it appears that the best way to go is send my son to a more affordable OOS university UAH that offers ChemE and full tuition scholarship. I’ll have to cross my fingers that he won’t resent it because he might have a “what if I went to UCI or UCSD thought” and never find the answer.
“But those two can be mutually exclusive if parents are rich. How rich should one be to afford paying for children’s college and also saving enough for retirement?”
Everyone’s definition of “how much I owe my kids for college” is different. For some it’s a fixed amount. For others it is their state school. For others it is a full ride anywhere with all the trimmings. Likewise, everyone has a different vision of what it means to retire comfortably. Some people expect their lifestyle to go down when they retire and live modestly, cook instead of go out, etc. Some anticipate their lifestyle to expand when they retire, go out every night to eat, travel, etc. Comparing to someone else really does no good. It’s your own life you have to live.
Recently, an article was released showing 50 cities in US and if one can live comfortably there by comparing cost of living vs. average household income. Bakersfield was number 2 among the highest level of comfortably living citirs. The article say I need to make 43k a year to live comfortably in Bakersfield. I pay mortgage of 1k per month, including insurance and taxes, on a 1800 sq. Ft. Home. Not bad.
Now, if I retire in Bakersfield, I will be able live comfortably if cost of living doesn’t go up too fast. However, Bakersfield is growing too fast.
Sorry I’m digressing from the topic.
@dad3sons you mentioned earlier that your local affordable state is not ABET accredited. Another option to perhaps consider is for your oldest son to take a gap year and get a full time job and reapply to affordable, accredited options next year. I have not read it, but I suspect the thread ucbalumnus linked to above discusses this.
We cross posted . UAH is a good school.
You can look up info about how much to save over x years to meet a target retirement income. You can also learn about Social Security (payments are based on an income average over x years.)
There’s a lot of income disparity in Bakersfield. So the definition of living “comfortably” may reflect that.
This question is one we’ve been thinking about recently. Obviously, each family will answer differently but consider the following scenario:
Spouse 1 (Sp1): expected to attend college, parents always clear they would fully fund (back when it was a lot cheaper). Became a highly paid professional.
Spouse 2 (Sp2): parents had attended college but Sp2 was told would be on their own for college. Was not discouraged from dropping out of HS, had rough life related to this.
Both sets of now elderly parents have sufficient funds to cover basic monthly living expenses but not much more.
So:
- If Sp1/2 household is willing/able to put $X towards parental support, should it be divided 50/50? Or should parents of Sp1 receive more as a 'return on investment?'
- If Sp1/2 choose to channel their funds into paying full price for a private college for their child(ren), at the expense of providing niceties for the parents, how would that play?
To me, so much revolves around the reason WHY the elderly people are in the state they are in. There is a difference to me between a) “never had a lot in the first place, lived within means, but you can’t squeeze blood from a turnip”, b) “had it, but something disastrous happened - health issue, house burnt down, Madoff,” and c) “had it but just frittered it away.” I am supporting two elderly relatives now, and they fall into two different categories, so my response differs based on that. No one’s going to go hungry or starve on my watch, of course.
@dad2sons – please, plan well for your own retirement. It is a horrible burden to place on your kids to expect financial support from them just as they are starting their own careers and may be starting their own families… really, in my view, there is nothing worse you can do.
In my experience, money isn’t the problem, time is. All four of our parents had some dementia (in one case early onset) before they passed away. While they had enough money to pay for a roof over their heads and whatever aid they need, there was a huge emotional toll and just worrying. It was particularly awful in the case of the early onset parent who made all kinds of dreadful financial decisions before we realized what was going on. We had to hide the car, change the phone number and have all the mail go to a P.O. Box. There is no assisted living or nursing care that you can really depend on 100%.
In any event education was my gift to my kids. I hope that we were good enough parents and modeled caring for elderly parents ourselves enough that they will take care of us as we need to be. I don’t want to be a burden, but I have to recognize that I might end up being one never the less. But we have the money piece taken care of. I would never risk a forced retirement in order to give my kids an education I couldn’t really afford.
Take advantage of 401k fully
Have a frank discussion on what you can afford.
As noted, the emotional and time issues can be as a much , if not more so, of an issue with aging parents as anything financial.
@dad3sons: Is there a tradition or a strong cultural expectation that children support elderly parents in your background? I think the answer to your question depends on how you have been raised, and how you have raised your children.
I come from a background where that is the case. My four brothers and I have pitched in significantly to help my parents and now my widowed mother for years. This has included the purchase of vehicles, payment of property taxes, vacations…etc. It has not been equally distributed among the siblings, but I’m confident that we have all pitched one way or the other. While that is the case, I haven’t raised my children to support me in my old age so I don’t expect it. However, because they have witnessed the generosity of my siblings to our mother, I’m hopeful that they will follow the example. To be completely honest, I would be disappointed if they didn’t at least offer to help.
dad3,
“As a parent, would you expect your child to help you just because you helped them pay for college?” - I believe that I answered your question before, but I can repeat it. As a parent, I very much prefer that my kids will help their own kids instead of helping me and my H. This is my expectation and one big reason why I choose to help them with their education. My parents died young, they did not have a chance to need to my help.
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I just illustrated a hypothetical example of a low-wage employee, who may transfer into a 100+K job.
no. it certainly would be a nice surprise to share in powerball winnings 
but I don’t think I would expect, nor accept regular support, unless I was completely destitute. It’s just not in me to take money from others.
I regularly send $500 to my father and $500 to in-laws + all their medical expenses. BTW, my father is better financially than I am, he is still working, getting good salary, has investments, and support from all his children. “Honour thy father and thy mother” is one of the Ten Commandments. Just, IMHO.