<p>There’s no falling in love if you know the guy has serious flaws 
But truly, if you are honest about what you think you can afford without severe hardship, and honest about why college debt is so toxic, she ought to be okay. Both my kids applied and were accepted at schools we could not afford. We all understood that applying was just a shot in the dark, “what if” scenario, and they seemed to like knowing they were good enough to get in. We applied in good humor, and when the acceptances came, we celebrated and then shrugged and wished we had more money. You can’t choose a college with your heart, you have to use your head.</p>
<p>You might want to distinguish between these categories of schools:</p>
<p>A. Unaffordable on need-based financial aid, no large-enough merit scholarships => 0% chance of affordability.
B. Unaffordable on need-based financial aid, large enough merit scholarships possible => some chance of affordability.</p>
<p>For group A, don’t bother with the school at all. For group B, it may be fine to visit and apply, as long as the student knows that s/he needs to get enough merit scholarships to bring the price down to the affordable range (otherwise, admission without enough scholarships = rejection). This means that the reach/match/safety assessment is based on the scholarship, not merely admission.</p>
<p>Just thought I’d throw my own experience into the mix. My heart’s been absolutely set on University of Vermont since the beginning of Junior year. I love everything about the school. My mother told me it was far too expensive and not to get my hopes up. She would not let me visit but allowed me to apply. I’ve gotten in and now we’re waiting on the money aspect. She claims that if the money is good, I can then visit the campus. That way the blow is a little less harsh since I haven’t had a campus visit to fall completely head over heels in love with the school. </p>
<p>If finances are at all an issue, visit the Us you KNOW you can afford. It’s a toss-up on other schools that are more of a reach financially. If you MAY qualify for FAid and the school offers merit aid, try the NPC to see if you could get enough help to make the U affordable. IF they don’t give merit and you don’t qualify for FAid, I would not waste your or your child’s hopes on those Us.</p>
<p>As was pointed out, your child COULD apply to some Us that are attractive and visit after offers come in to show that they are affordable for your family. We did NOT qualify for ANY FAid and only considered schools likely to award significant merit to S. This made our lives less stressed and reduced the universe of colleges to consider by a lot.</p>
<p>Some parents here lay out to their kids exactly what they can afford, then stick to it. Then the kid knows for sure what needs to be accomplished via need or merit based aid, and potentially some loans. As long as she KNOWS the numbers and you can be disciplined enough as parents to stick to them, and she also has found a safety or two that is definitely in the price range and she would be willing to attend and is very likely to be accepted, then I say some other visits are fine. But schools that clearly fall outside that “what we can afford number” (based on net price calculator and/or no merit aid available) should be off the list, IMHO. There is limited time to visit, and you should only visit what may be affordable.</p>
<p>Be sure you understand that at many schools, if your kid gets merit and need based aid, the school then reduces the need based aid by the merit scholarship amount (not all schools do that, but an awful lot do). So don’t run your calculations assuming she will get the need based aid shown on the net price calculator and could also knock off merit aid received from that price. It doesn’t always work that way…</p>
<p>I see nothing wrong with visiting as many schools as you want. And it can be a lot like going to realtors’ open houses for homes you couldn’t possibly ever afford . . . even though you can’t afford the entire house, there might be a feature here or there that you really like that you can afford - like that really pretty tile in the kitchen or that cute gazebo in the backyard.</p>
<p>You can do the same with the colleges you visit - look for features that you find attractive: a pretty quad, suite-style housing, a dining hall with lots of quiet little corners where you can eat and study without being disturbed. Use the visits as a way to put together a wish list of what your daughter is looking for in a school.</p>
<p>Then, after you get home, do your research to find schools within your budget that have some or all of the features on her wish list.</p>
<p>And, when it’s time to put a final list together, make sure that all three of you are on the same page regarding finances. It’s a waste of money, time, and energy for her to apply to colleges you can’t readily afford. </p>
<p>The problem with visiting schools you KNOW you can’t afford is that it isn’t just you as a parent, who has more practice at “window shopping” but not buying. It just sets your kid up for disappointment, IMHO. Most kids aren’t going to be as good at just putting a college out of their mind after their parents went to the trouble to take them for a visit.</p>
<p>I’m actually one of those people who isn’t even sure campus visits are necessary before you apply. If I remember correctly back to the Dark Ages, I think I picked out 4 schools that fit my plan and then applied. Once I got in to 3 of the 4, I visited. I know of several other families lately who have done the same thing. </p>
<p>Edited to add- my first DD only visited just a few of the 10-12 that she applied to. </p>
<p>Actually, in the dark ages, none of us visited any of the Us we applied to in our family. We all just applied, got accepted and attended. Bro & I were able to go away as transfers. My other sibs were able to go away for a term or year. </p>
<p>Similarly from grad/pro school, we applied & then picked the one(s) that seemed a good match & attended. </p>
<p>We never stepped foot on any of the campuses until we were moving in. Perhaps it wasn’t ideal, but it was the way we accepted that things were and we all bloomed where planted.</p>
<p>I am going to throw this out here…When I was younger, I would look in fashion magazines and go to very expensive stores to try on clothes I couldn’t afford to get a good sense of what would look good on me. I would then go to a discount store to get something similar at a much cheaper price. I don’t think it would be bad to tour few colleges out of your kid’s reach (both financially and academically), then compare them to what’s reasonable. Of course, if your kid is going to be really disappointed about not getting into the dream school then you may not want to tour schools you can’t afford.</p>
<p>I’d be upfront with your daughter about the situation. Explain what you are willing to pay (not just what you COULD potentially afford, but what you are reasonably willing to pay), and ask her what she wants to do. If she wants to visit and apply to a school that you may not be able to afford after seeing what her financial aid package looks like and what merit aid or scholarships that she is able to get, then I think that is her decision to make (provided you’re willing to pay for the trip and application fees). She may be disappointed, but it’s reasonable for her to be able to understand that she can’t always get everything. Walk her through the different situations she may be in, and ask her what she wants to do.</p>
<p>Sometimes, trips are good just because they give her a sense of what she likes and what she doesn’t like, what sorts of things are out there, and what to look for in other schools. But if she thinks that she’ll get her heart set on a certain school and can’t bear the thought of anything else, then maybe it’s better to stay away from those schools. I don’t think it’s necessarily false hope, if you’re very clear about what the situation is and she understands that going into it.</p>
<p>And of course, make sure you are touring more affordable options, so that she has the chance to explore those schools as well.</p>
<p>I did that too oldfort, but I dont think it works with colleges as well.
With clothing there are only so many factories and sometimes I even see the same material being used at Nordstrom as at Target.
But private schools may have amenities that the student falls in love with, even though they had never thought about it before, that are just not available at a school that otherwise is a good fit. </p>
<p>This is a hard one for me. I have been paying for private school, but with some real sacrifices.</p>
<p>I let my then 4th grader “shadow” or tour fifth grade at an excellent prep school because her friend, whose parents could afford it, didn’t want to visit without her. I was curious about what the school was like DD came home and said “I’m going.” She thrilled by the exciting and thoughtful discussion the fifth graders were having. It was too late in the year to apply for financial aid. So I gasped and paid. It hurt, but for the later years they provided financial aid, and she received a fabulous education. This year she is applying to colleges and getting into top schools. I don’t believe the local public school would have prepared her for life as well, not just college.</p>
<p>I think you have to look, apply, evaluate to know what works. </p>
<p>Only the OP knows if they’re talking about “paying with some real sacrifices” or paying by selling plasma and a kidney. There are sacrifices that other families moan about which sound silly to me- having to rent the beach house out all summer, for example, and not taking the July 4th week as the family vacation. If I had a beach house, I think I’d be ok with that as a sacrifice! Or taking on extra work, moonlighting, etc. as long as it didn’t interfere with my main job or compromise my health. I drive an old car anyway- and if it meant squeaking another year out of it, I’d be fine with that (if mechanically feasible).</p>
<p>But I wouldn’t spend down my retirement fund, and I wouldn’t eliminate my charitable contributions, and I wouldn’t cut off the help I’m giving elderly family members. And I’m sure every other parent has the list of things that wouldn’t compromise.</p>
<p>If your kid is prepared to fall in love and then conclude “it’s out of our budget”, you’re ok. But read the not so old Villanova thread to see how falling in love can warp a kid’s ability to view other colleges objectively. And pretty much force a parent to pay more than they intended/can afford (not clear from the thread what the reality is here) for a college which is likely no better than other, more affordable options. Certainly not “better” intellectually. Perhaps better in terms of amenities, which is what teenagers may end up focusing on.</p>
<p>I’d pay more for better academics and a more intellectual environment. I wouldn’t pay more for the full- on “country club” experience with nice landscaping and incredible food and cute/well dressed students.</p>
<p>As others have said “it depends”. If you really want to focus on colleges with give merit money, don’t bother going to Tufts or BC while in Boston, as they don’t give any. If you aren’t sure what you can or are willing to pay, go visit whatever schools you like, but let your daughter know that money may limit her choices. Many elite or near elite privates are getting much more stingy with merit money in part to increased need-based aid and in part because they don’t need it to attract students with top stats.</p>
<p>It is certainly easier to be up front with kids about money if the answer is clear: we can afford anything or we can only afford xx dollars. It is more difficult if the answer is somewhere in between - we may be able to afford a top choice, but not sure. It may depend on the size of the bonus this year or how the market does. It also may depend on how the school measures up vs the more affordable options. But I certainly would be sure you send the message to your child that she may not be able to attend one of these schools, without some aid. </p>
<p>These are really good insights from all…and I appreciate them…as far as affording the colleges, we are truly hoping not to spend all of the money, so to speak, on one of the kids…even if its a kid who could get a lot out of it. I will give you guys a cautionary tale…or maybe its’ not…you can see it both ways…we have friends with 3 kids…the oldest daughter had a full-ride (track scholarship) to a very decent but not great college…but very decent. She completely and utterly fell in love with Georgetown but there was $0 financial aid…her parents said, “okay, let’s do this.” And she went through with great honors…later went to London School of Economics…and not to betray her privacy but has an amazing life and career and is still in her late twenties. HOWEVER, she had two younger siblings…and while her folks thought they were going to be fine, the mom lost her job…and the dad didn’t make as much…bottom line, both kids went to community college…and they’re happy…they seem cool with it…but I think about this story A LOT. </p>
<p>Southern, your story is sobering, but the truth is-- even with the circumstances you describe, community college is not the only answer. And in my own extended family, we’ve been known to “pay it forward”, i.e. older siblings have helped paid tuition and/or living expenses for younger siblings, especially if the elder siblings have done extraordinarily well and are not burdened with heavy loans themselves.</p>
<p>So community college is not the only answer.</p>
<p>But yes, something to keep in mind. It’s not fair to the younger siblings for everyone to get starry eyed with the eldest, for sure.</p>
<p>Blossom, good points…and as my husband has pointed out…even if the first kid hadn’t gone to an amazing college, the two youngest may have had to go community college anyway because no money coming in is no money coming in. Ya know? (they went to CC because they needed to live at home to save the room&board money). </p>
<p>I see a lot of families who are relying on merit money. This means two things: 1) this is a high income family. It may also be a high expense family without a lot of savings, but the money flowing in is sufficiently high that this family is not expecting substantial need-based aid and 2) this is a family who has not been saving for the college years or is unable or unwilling to liquidate assets for education. At least the way that most CC parents frame the issue, it’s not about getting a good deal or a discount, it’s a matter of not being able to afford tuition without merit aid. And from what I’ve been seeing, the recession/diminishing endowment years are taking their toll on the availability of merit aid. There’s much, much less of it than there was 5 years ago. So relying on schools with merit aid could lead to just as much, if not more heartbreak.</p>
<p>I think it’s fair to be frank with kids and tell them a) this is what we’ve saved, b) this is what we can afford out of income, c) here’s likely financial aid. Affordability is a real issue. But people also have different priorities for how to spend their money along the way, and it’s worth being frank with your kids about that as well. (They’ll figure it out in any event.)</p>
<p>I had a HS friend back in the dark ages who had a dream school: a small, private LAC. Her parent was faculty at a state U, and she got a tuition discount off of the in-state tuition at a very well-respected (top 25, but large) state U. Her parents made it very clear to her that they would not pay for the LAC, not because they couldn’t find the money, but because they didn’t see the value in paying the extra tuition. They had just postponed the fight over priorities to spring instead of fall application season. She went on to graduate from the state U and lead a good and productive life, but that particular life would not have been her first choice. It certainly wasn’t a tragic story, by any means, but it did come down to parents finally disclosing their priorities in a rather painful way. I still remember the hurt, and this was over 30 years ago. So I urge you to be open with your kids, no matter what your reasoning is. It’s better that they know.</p>
<p>I’ve steered my daughter to applying to schools known for merit aid.
So far she has been accepted to 5 schools with merit aid, and deferred at another one known for giving merit.</p>
<p>I second those who say to steer clear of BC and Tufts, if you don’t qualify for financial aid. However, if you do, please run the Net Price Calculator.</p>