<p>We discovered on Parents' Weekend that one of my son's suite-mates (4 kids in all) is a smoker (heavy, we think). The suite smelled, tho not terribly, because he smokes by an open window. When we spoke to our son about this, he seemed matter-of-fact about it, although admitted that one of the other boys was more unfortable with this. It seemed clear to me that they were not confronting this as a problem, so I felt resigned that my son would be exposed to second-hand smoke this year.
The thing is, the boys all get along extremely well, and have bonded as a group. Now, my son mentioned that he expects that they will all "block" together (with some other friends too) for housing next year. So, I am worried that my son, who has made good personal decisions about smoking, will be exposed to this throughout college. I didn't want to get into this over the phone with my s., but of course we plan on discussing it when he comes home on Thanksgiving (altho he's bringing a friend from CA home with him, so I don't know if we'll have much opportunity for private discussions.) I think the school actually prohibits smoking in the dorms, but unless the kids were to complain, nothing would be done. I wish that they had insisted initially that he go outside to smoke, but I guess they were uncomfortable doing this or just don't mind enough. Anyway, the more I think about it, the more upset I feel. I just can't accept that we are going to pay thousands of dollars for my son to be exposed to smoking for the next 4 years. Any thoughts?</p>
<p>Is smoking even allowed in the dorm? I know it is not in some states. That would relate this year's question, though not the future.</p>
<p>No, it isn't. But if the proctor doesn't know about it, nothing is done.</p>
<p>We had a smoker in our college dorm/apartment from Soph->Senior year. We insisted he smoke on the balcony or outside.</p>
<p>Smoking indoors in public buildings is illegal in MA. The law is the same whether your son went to Harvard or UMASS. I don't see the connection to how much you are paying for college. It's up to your son to deal with it, either by telling his roommate to go outside and smoke, as the law requires, or reporting it to the proctor.</p>
<p>
I don't think smoking is the worst thing he'll be exposed to in college, and I think that part of going away to school is learning to make such choices and live with the consequences. But I really do sympathize with you and would be equally uncomfortable. My son is in a dorm that is substance-free. Apparently, that just means smoke-free, although I can't understand why any student should have access to drugs or alcohol -- I know, I'm being unrealistic! My bigger concern would be alcohol abuse -- most kids who didn't start smoking at a young age won't like the smell or taste of cigarette smoke. The question is, can you do anything about it?</p>
<p>If it were my son, I'd talk to him about my concerns, and then let it go. While it's frustrating to pay the expenses of room and board when they don't meet your standards, this is his issue to resolve. Maybe the non-smokers can persuade the other kid to smoke outside or try a nicotine patch.</p>
<p>I am surprised
even at a school that supposedly has a high percentage of smokers- I have never seen anyone smoke in a building.
I think as well as being a nuisance- it would be an insurance liability.
Ds school doesn't allow candles/incense or microwaves and certainly would be very ticked if someone was smoking in the dorm
IF someone was smoking in dorm and refusing to go outside- that is affecting other students as well as being illegal.
Living with people means making accomodations so that you are not in their face- smoking is being in their face.
They need to have a meeting with their proctor/hA and consiciously intervene.
Yes it will be more difficult than if they had valued the rules in the first place, just as it is hard for a parent to change their mind, but the longer they put up with it- the harder it will be</p>
<p>I think the first thing is to ask your son if they have asked him to smoke outside and he refuses. If none of the boys has said anything to the smoker the smoker is probably under the assumption that they don't mind.</p>
<p>Second-hand smoke is a direct threat to the health of your son and the others in the suite and should not be tolerated.</p>
<p>If the suitemate was shooting heroin, it would be at virtually no risk to your son. Smoking is another story.</p>
<p>I dunno, I had at least two roomies that smoked. I never started.</p>
<p>Donemom, your son is an adult, and as an adult, he's capable of rationalizing whether or not smoking is the right choice. Talk to him, yes, but don't patronize either. I hated when my mother would give me lectures about my friends who smoked when she herself was a smoker. So irritating.</p>
<p>He'll be fine.</p>
<p>No, he won't necessarily be fine. Explosire to secondhand smoke is a health risk, as other posters have noted. There is also a fire risk. The smoker is committing an illegal act that threatens other peoele's well being. I don't know what the solution is, but I do think it needs to be addressed, possibly by a parent getting in touch with the school anonymously (not ideal, but this isn't a moral issue, it is a safety and health issue that extends beyond the smoker and the OP's son).</p>
<p>I have very little tolerance for smoke myself but I am personally am very opposed to parents making anonymous accusations. It is the epitome of helicopter parenting.
The only solution to this problem I see is for Donemom to have a straight talk with her son about the dangers of second-hand smoke and let him deal with the situation himself. He can talk to his roommate or ask the proctor to talk to the roommate.</p>
<p>How times change. I was happy to get my roommate to stop smoking in the shower--the butts in the soapdish were annoying.</p>
<p>Quote "I don't see the connection to how much you are paying for college. ,..."</p>
<p>Marite, I didn't mean to imply that because I'm paying a lot of money that it's worse. This was just a way to express my difficulty in just giving up control about an issue that I think is of real concern. </p>
<p>First order of business will be to talk to my son about it when he comes home. It's just that I get the feeling that 1. my son isn't really bothered by it--he tends to think I'm overly concerned about health, which at times is true 2.there seems to be a real reluctance to confront their friend,-- I think they view him as sort of a more worldly, "cool" type, and 3. the fact that they didin't do it initially makes it so much harder. My son did intimate that one suitemate was more troubled by it, but I guess he wasn't up to mobilizing the group. </p>
<p>I do not feel comfortable making an anonymous report. I only wish that there was some way for this to be enforced even if his suitemates are willing to live with this.</p>
<p>Marite, I agree with you in principal but in fact smoking is potentially endangering everyone in the building (matches, lit cigarette butts, glowing ash...). This is not about the OP's son and it isn't an accusation but a guarded comment.</p>
<p>My brother developed lung cancer as a result of a lifetime of smoking. I tried to tell him to stop, he told me I was a killjoy. I don't need to be told about the dangers of smoking or second-hand smoke. But I have an aversion to anonymous accusations.
I also think it is unwise for parents to intervene on bahelf of their kids. S1 went to a school where I knew some of his profs. Never once did I contact them on his behalf. Part of college is learning to fight your own battles.</p>
<p>I am not for colleges taking over the nanny business any more than I am in favor of goverments doing the same
However I also assume that students are adults and are capable of behaving as such.
When a campus or a town has a rule of no indoor smoking in public builds, I assume that is what is legal.
I don't think it should be really a big deal to step out side for a cigarette- particularly if you are sharing living space.
( butts in the soapdish would be more than annoying - I have a coniption fit as it is, when I find them in the garden bed- and I went to public school when even the junior high had a "smoking" bathroom)</p>
<p>I wouldn't be worried about my kid starting to smoke- I wouldn't even be worried about the risk of second hand smoke- I would be more concerned about risk of fire and about the precedent it is setting by not dealing with the problem.
Its a relatively small problem.
They all get along- and they probably aren't bothered by it much.
So it shouldn't be that big of a deal for them to reach an agreement that if anybody is getting in each others face- whether it be smoking in a common area- having sex in the bathroom or just leaving beer bottles around- then they will deal with it- its good practice for bigger issues.</p>
<p>Perhaps they should get a house off campus? might be more suited to their temprament.</p>
<p>I agree with those who speak of the health risks and the overall discomfort of the roomies about the smoking, let alone the rules that are being broken. I also agree with Marite that the parents can advise their children how to handle this situation but should not be the ones getting directly involved. I think as a parent, you can discuss it with your son and ask if he and his roomies can just have a talk with the smoker and say that while they had not spoken up initially, they are now finding that the smoke is bothering them and request that he not smoke inside the suite. Then I would see what happened. If it is a problem after that, i would suggest that they have a proctor mediate a roomie discussion that hashes out an agreement on this issue (let alone it is against the rules). The parent should not enter a complaint, in my opinion. The only time I can see that as appropriate is if every level of intervention was exhausted and the university was not responding appropriately, then maybe get involved but I'd have to hear the circumstances. Right now, the students have to deal with it but the parent can certainly be an advisor on the issue. </p>
<p>Susan</p>
<p>PS, my dad also died of lung cancer.</p>
<p>
[quote]
Part of college is learning to fight your own battles.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>It's good to encourage students to fight their own battles, but ultimately, this is not just HIS battle.</p>
<p>Smoking potentially endangers everybody in the dorm. </p>
<p>Despite the fact that fewer students smoke nowadays and despite the fact that smoking is illegal in just about all college dorms, it is still the 3rd leading cause of dormitory fires.</p>
<p>These days most colleges forbid burning of any sort in the dorms (no candles, no fires in fireplaces, no incense, no smoking.) </p>
<p>As the semester wears on and students become more sleep-deprived, there is an increasing risk that a student may fall asleep while smoking or negligently dispose of smoking materials.</p>
<p>I think donemom should talk with her son about the fact that his acquiescence in his roommate's unsafe behavior potentially puts the whole dorm at risk. </p>
<p>It sounds like there is at least one other suitemate who could be an ally in confronting the student and telling him that they are no longer comfortable with his smoking in the room. Perhaps there are others in the building as well. I would encourage donemom's son to talk to others and find a critical mass of students who will be willing to talk to the student about his need to stop smoking in the dorm. If they are not comfortable talking to the student, they can go to the proctor for advice about this. It is part of the proctor's job to be "the bad guy" in situations like this.</p>
<p>If donemom becomes aware that indoor smoking continues after the students intervene in whatever ways they feel comfortable, I think she would not be out of line in reporting a continuing fire-safety infraction to appropriate authorities. (I would say the same thing if she became aware that firedoors were propped open on a regular basis.)</p>