<p>You have potential in terms of syntax and cadence. I agree that you need to lighten up on the words–sometimes your sentences sound stiff and awkward, too choked with these hard-to-digest words, and it makes it hard to comprehend. The imagery was good; however, I think the ending was a bit too canned. Then again, I suppose for Gothic literature, you can get away with your word choice. [You should probably also lengthen the sentences, if you want to do more Gothic literature stuff.]</p>
<p>Advice revision, as well as later writing: pay more attention to emotion, to how it’s going to affect the reader. Write things that you feel are true. This comes with time–start looking for the things that move you, that elicit particular emotions, and write about them. If you’re serious about writing, also start reading a lot of authors; there’s a lot they can teach you. You’re a lot better than I was in 8th grade. xD While I agree that harsh criticism is necessary, people also need encouragement to keep going.</p>