<p>Thanks, when I got my letter I was extremely elated too!</p>
<p>As for your question, when I was young I was a huge admirer of Evariste Galois, a brilliant mathematical child prodigy who founded Galois theory (named after him) which is now part of standard analysis after only four years of formal mathematical training. He was also a republican (lowercase r -- he believed in the restoration of the French Republic, which was a radical view in his current time) who was involved in many political intrigues and ended up dying in a duel fought "for the honour of a girl" at only age 20. I have a pseudonym online, "le radical galoisien," (The Galoisian Radical) which was supposed to take advantage of several meanings of the noun "radical" (e.g. revolutionary / nth root of a number).</p>
<p>Now that I'm older I still like him a lot, but not in the screaming-schoolgirl-fan kind of way (which describes my admiration for him when I was younger, even though I'm a male).</p>
<p>Whoa, that was a pretty long explanation, but anyway... :)</p>
<p>I'm sure that posting admissions essays is not an honor offense! It would be an offense to copy someone else's essay into your own, or to use a particular idea without citation; but if someone did that, it would be their offense against YOUR ideas. If you're the one posting, you're in the right.</p>
<p>Firstly, I have to correct an error in post #21 ... the "after only four years of formal mathematical training" part is supposed to apply to the "founded Galois theory," section of my post, NOT the "is part of standard analysis" part. Ahh, dangling modifiers. </p>
<p>
[quote]
Did you write about Galois in one of your essays??
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I would've, but I had to be really selective about what to write for my 3 (and a sorta half) essays, as you know. ;) Galois epitomises my ideals of my younger self (smart, rebellious, willing to die for love) and still does somewhat.</p>
<p>That's what I thought -- well, I'm going to jump in and get the ball rolling ... I'll start with the 500 word essay, though the other two I felt were very "me". It includes my errors (the ones that are omissions or redundancies will be marked with arrow brackets).</p>
<hr>
<p>"Topic: You have completed your 300-page autobiography. Please submit page 217." (yes, I took them up on their invitation and submitted my optional essay for Penn for my last UVA essay.) </p>
<p>I recalled what I had written in my own blog in response to the Straits Times article on political blogging. "I spit in their face for mentioning this," I had written in typical fourteen-year-old rebelliousness, after reading that people would have to register with the Singaporean Government if they wanted to discuss "political or racial issues" in their blogs. Now that I proudly remembered it, I had the urge to shoot back some witty repartee, not at all agreeing with the spirit of their questions.</p>
<p>I glanced at my mother seated beside me, and noted her disquiet countenance. Not wishing to antagonise her, I nodded and feebly mumbled an acknowledgment instead. I watched as they rifled through their files of what must have been every instant messaging conversation I had ever made online. Unlike blog entries, those had been supposed to be truly private.</p>
<p>"Well, anyway, we only want to close the case," the older officer chimed in. "Anyway <<>>, remember that you have to be responsible for your speech. Singapore is a multi-religious and multi-racial society, and thus we have laws to protect the delicate harmony of our society. We're not going to take any action against you. We just want to remind you that you can't say whatever you want online--"</p>
<p>"What I wrote did not at all disrupt the harmony of society."</p>
<p>"But you might also remember," the older officer continued, "what Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong said in the last National Day Rally speech about the OOB policy. In order to ensure stability, some topics are out-of-bounds when it comes to public discussion."</p>
<p>Groan. Not that National Day Rally speech – it was the one I hated the most. In trying to kiss up to the PRC -- after having offended it by visiting Taiwan -- Lee Hsien Loong had said on national television that if Taiwan declared formal independence, no country would recognise it and any ensuing war would be totally its fault. This was despite the fact that it would be the PRC which would be launching the invasion.</p>
<p>"Who dictates what is out-of-bounds? You can't just forbid all provocative and uncomfortable speech the Government doesn't like. In order to serve its role in a true democratic society, speech, especially political speech, must be uninhibited as a matter of principle--"</p>
<p>"We only want to close the case," the younger officer reminded me, looking hopefully at my mother to try to get me to take the hint.</p>
<p>I eventually left the meeting unsatisfied, but most importantly, unprosecuted. "I got interrogated by the Internal Security Department for four hours!" I later boasted to my Singaporean friends, in a rather "I stuck it to the Man!" sort of way. For a few months I did not tell them that it was I who had caused the meeting <<to>> last that long, having been smug enough in all my fourteen-year-old arrogance to have seriously believed myself capable of 'converting' my questioners. </to></p>
<hr>
<p>Stuff I didn't like about this essay:</p>
<p>I dropped the required "to" between "meeting" and "last" [in the last paragraph] -- this was the most flagrant error. Apparently, it was tolerated. </p>
<p>The redundant "anyway" I gave to the older officer in the dialogue -- it made him seem more mindless than he really was.</p>
<p>I included my mother (who was a participant in the conversation) but reduced her role in the affair to a passive observer (she didn't have any dialogue in my essay) -- this was really unfair to her. She originally had a greater role, but I cut her dialogue out when I was trimming my essay from my Penn app to the UVA app. </p>
<p>I didn't really get to contrast the two different officers in the final version, two people who I thought was representative of two different types of people in the "Singapore Establishment" -- one seemed more cynical and world-weary, the other being younger was hoping to move up and be promoted. I forgot to thus give other qualifiers other than "younger" or "older," because they didn't really have any meaning in the final cropped version of my essay.</p>
<p>Stuff I liked:</p>
<p>It hints at my desire to reform the politics of my birth country, which is what I hoped to convey, and I wanted more people to realise the nature of political repression in Singapore -- it's not like how it's commonly portrayed in the international media. </p>
<p>It sort of hints at how I've changed since then (e.g. I no longer seek to clash with "stick it to the man" for its own sake). </p>
<p>Singapore is part of my core identity, so I felt it helped to bring that part out in me.</p>
<p>Personally, I thought it was a little dry. There was nothing that persuaded me to keep reading. It seemed like a juvenile attempt to write about free speech in the face of censorship that tried, but failed, to take a humorous approach to a fourteen year old's perspective on the situation. If this essay was one out of a daily reading of a hundred, then there's nothing that makes this memorable. It really just seems to tell a story about your fourteen year old self and shows nothing about how you have morphed and changed over the past few years to who you are today or how that event shaped you. On a 1 to 10 scale, I would give this a 4.</p>
<p>Since you seem so adamant about seeing other essays, i'll give you a glimpse of one of my essays; I don't want to violate any sort of honor code by posting my essay fully or have anyone copy it. This was also written for the page 217 UPenn prompt and I submitted the complete essay for UVa free response prompt.</p>
<p>" I slowly staggered toward the ambulance and saw Jessica's crumpled body on the asphalt. White bones jutting from her body gleamed in the moonlight, their misshapen positions accented by bright crimson blood. I just stared in wonder, thinking it was a horror movie. Things like this only happen in horror movies. The shock wore off and I realized the consequence of my words. "</p>
<p>For those who are writing the Penn 217 prompt, open a page of a book, ANY book and look at the page. Study the page and look at the characteristics of the page and the content. Does a page of a book reveal an entire story within its limits? Or does it run into page 218 and 219? The essay prompt was created to test your creativity and your ability to understand what the prompt was asking you to do.</p>
<p>Eh? I don't remember attempting humour in that prompt :) I agree that continuity is the overarching problem -- my dilemma was how much of the story to tell and how much fine detail to include. I was sorta worried that if I didn't clarify charges were never pressed, they would think I had a criminal record or something.</p>
<p>
[quote]
free speech in the face of censorship
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Eh -- the free speech part wasn't originally supposed to be the focus [indeed, it isn't very unique] -- since otherwise it would be preaching to the choir and all. I was trying -- it probably wasn't successful -- to reveal the behaviour of those who are part of the establishment members of repressive regimes; e.g. they have families to go home to [<em>gasp</em>] and aren't enthusiastic about being tyrannical. I thought it was evident that the officers were impatient and that they weren't really interested in arguing.</p>
<p>i learned more about the officers than I did about you. last time I checked, the officers aren't the ones applying to college.</p>
<p>
[quote]
to reveal the behaviour of those who are part of the establishment members of repressive regimes; e.g. they have families to go home to [<em>gasp</em>] and aren't enthusiastic about being tyrannical.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>That didn't come through. I thought they were more bored with you than impatient. I thought you were trying to take a humorous approach b/c you kept mentioning 14-year old which seemed to signify "ha newbie mistake." Essays are subjective so it's the author's job to make it clear and give the reader the feeling their supposed to feel without being overtly controlling; a good author subtly controls the reader's emotions at every word. Unless you were trying to create a sense of boredom, this careful crafting wasn't there.</p>
<p>What really killed this essay was your introduction. Within two sentences, you gave away the whole topic of your essay. Now don't laugh but a college essay should be like a stripper; it shouldn't give away everything at once and it slowly unfolds as the story progresses until the big finale. (work with the simile) You had the BANG! (actually it was more like bang!) in the second sentence. Bottom line: essay=stripper. ;)</p>
<p>P.S. I know I seem harsh but I always read essays with a critical eye. I would much rather you know what's wrong then echo what you think is right; it's my nature. sorry about that. :)</p>
<p>Yes, thanks for the critique. Perhaps you'd like to smash apart my other two essays too. :p</p>
<p>
[quote]
i learned more about the officers than I did about you. last time I checked, the officers aren't the ones applying to college.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>But they're representative of the people that maintain my country's authoritarianism! I don't think autobiographies have to be constantly centred around the author at every page, necessarily; I was just trying to represent my country's political climate (and "our national debate that shouldn't be"). </p>
<p>Now that I read it from your perspective I can see how it is dry. This version is restructured differently too. (The Penn version didn't start out that way.) What I also regret was trying to fit the crux of the whole conversation into one page. But I also didn't take notes from the conversation/"interrogation", so all I had were 4-year-old impressions. </p>
<p>But I do wonder if every admission essay that uses a narrative has to use a suspense-building format. To me, the opening lines didn't reveal much either -- it was just what I was "charged" with. I suppose something must have worked since I wasn't rejected. :D Well, if I ever do wish to tell this tale again, I will change a lot of things.</p>
<p>And I think you scared the others away with your caveat :p. Where are you currently going, may I ask?</p>
<p>
[quote]
I don't think autobiographies have to be constantly centered around the author at every page,
[/quote]
</p>
<p>But you aren't writing an autobiography; you're writing a college essay. The ** college essay prompt ** asked you to submit page 217 of a 300 page autobio and for the vast majority of students, they don't actually have a 300 page autobiography. So it should be an essay that characterizes a page (e.g. starting in a middle of a paragraph, not ending with a complete sense of closure, etc.) and not an essay that characterizes a complete autobio.</p>
<p>Concerning every essay using a suspense building format: it isn't necessary but for the gifted writer, it works wonders. For the person who doesn't consider writing their strong point, it works wonders. Again, that lays on the assumption that it is used properly. </p>
<p>And hey, if you want me to smash your other essays apart, I'll do it. :)</p>
<p>db123,
I spit out my drink, with laughter, when I read your reply to op!! I think it was your willingness to "smash your other essays"!
galoinien, you are a good sport for submitting to such abuse. God Bless you!</p>
<p>galoisien, I think we should be friends. Even after I ripped you apart, you were still really good natured about everything and took what I said in stride. So, as powderpuff said, you're a great sport. And that's an amazing quality to have. :)</p>
<p>quick question: what does op stand for?? i'm still a newbie learning CC's jargon.</p>
<p>db123: Aww, thanks. My belief is there's no point in being hurt by legitimate criticism if it's well intended. ;) </p>
<p>As to your offer of friendship, I heartily accept :) -- you'll be my first official friend at UVA! (Of course, I haven't officially enrolled yet, since my mother is still procuring that 250 dollars ...) So I guess I'll see you in the fall? I can't make it to the Lawn on April, but I can say with 98% certainty I'm going to attend. My family thinks it's more important to save the funds for when they send down in August. ;) </p>
<p>
[quote]
So it should be an essay that characterizes a page (e.g. starting in a middle of a paragraph, not ending with a complete sense of closure, etc.) and not an essay that characterizes a complete autobio.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Haha, that's what I originally did for the first version (I started on one discussion, mentioned the dialogue as sort of anecdote, and went on to another). But that was 250 words too many for the UVA app. However, the first version probably suffered a lot of the same problems too. </p>
<p>Well, here's a second one for you to apply your critical eye :p -- it was in response to the "What work of art, music, science, mathematics or literature has surprised, unsettled or challenged you, and in what way?" prompt.</p>
<p>haha good! i'll be happy to be your first official friend after you turn in your deposit. I actually turned mine in today at DOTL! btw, Dean J, Peabody is so quaint. If I had to read a google applications, I would love to do it there. </p>
<p>and of course I'll see you in the fall. just a note, when I explain things, I often employ similes b/c it helps me think and you remember so when I make outrageous similes (like college essay=stripper), I do it so you will remember what I say. now, your requested criticism. :)</p>
<p>"I started on one discussion, mentioned the dialogue as sort of anecdote, and went on to another." too complicated. the best way to approach this would have been to write a complete introduction and then start it somewhere in the middle of the intro. This way, the essay would be complete to submit to other schools and would also make more sense when starting in the middle of a sentence; it's always easier to cut then build. </p>
<p>regarding your second essay. this seems to be a "first, then, and finally" type essay so you set yourself up for disaster. Your first sentence is the hook of your paper and it often can give you a sense of what's to come. your first sentence is essentially "my favorite thing is ..." 2nd graders are taught to write this way and I would expect a higher caliber of writing form someone writing their college essays. I would have been more interested if you wrote "my favorite thing is barney. He's a purple dinosaur and has a magic treasure chest and sings my most favorite song in the world." why? because if you chose barney, you would have chosen something unconventional and so, someone reading your essay would be like huh? let me keep reading to figure out this logic. </p>
<p>The only way a "My favorite this is..." answer to a prompt works is when the answer is something unconventional and completely out of the box. My answer to this prompt was the artificial bladder but I didn't choose to start out the essay this way because I wouldn't have utilized the full potential of my answer. Similarly, the piece of music you picked has so much potential but you overtly simplified it and did it no justice. </p>
<p>When you think of music, close your eyes and let the music paint a picture in your mind. Then paint the picture for your audience. Don't let them know that you're talking about a piece of music. You attempted this but it didn't work because there was a lack of concrete detail. You vaguely describe a fantasy. is this an erotic fantasy? a childlike fantasy? a dream? what? again, you leave too many things up to the reader; you need to guide the reader and provide a narrow venue for them to interpret your writing so that way they understand what you're saying. </p>
<p>"careful, exploratory footsteps."</p>
<p>what are you walking on? are you walking on clouds? dirt? golden fields of grain? cow dung? You thought that this was a lot of detail but it really wasn't. It was actually really vague and left the reader wondering that the hell you were talking about. you didn't explain this lost world idea and now your walking through it. it's too vague.</p>
<p>However, I think that *the answer to a prompt doesn't needs to be something out of the box or creative; it needs to be creatively presented and hold the attention of your reader. * If you could pick any topic you wanted and I had to write specifically about a pound of cow dung, chances are that I would rock you with the cow dung because the amount of attention paid to detail makes a huge difference and from what I've seen of your two essays, you like to go for the vague idea approach. </p>
<p>I went ahead and listened to this piece and this is what I get (for the first 30 sec that I get free on iTunes).
It's quiet. right before the spring dawn. the dew rests lightly on the leaves on the closed buds. A fairy (yes, i watched fantasia a few too many times) lightly touches each closed bud and as her touch graces the flower, it blooms into maturity. Her flight is not straight; she hovers and looks for the perfect flower to touch before making a decision. As she touches each flower, the amount of light in the field continues to grow and marks the gradual ascent of the sun into the sky.</p>
<p>You could easily make this a metaphor for your own life and a commentary about the effect of knowledge upon an individual; the fairy represents knowledge and free speech. The closed flowers could represent those living in blissful ignorance that accept the daily grind with a resolute and grim countenance. By giving them knowledge and the power to escape the closed system, the flower blooms and as a result, opens up the mind. In a way, the flower could be considered a paradox because it represents ignorance; by sheltering yourself within the flower, you shelter yourself with your ignorance and keep yourself from seeing the outside world. Knowledge and education give you the power to release yourself from the protection of ignorance but at the same time, expose you to a whole new world. And now, if we generally accept that light=knowledge, the sun would be rising which would also play on the idea of education and the fruits it brings. as the fairy opens the flowers, the sun continues to rise into the sky to banish the darkness so the initial exposure is the hardest one but after that, the effect continues to snowball. and this would play back into how it surprised you because of your whole thing with free speech and the singaporean gov't and all that jazz. To end it, I think I would have ended it simply with something like " the piece? Gabriel Faure's P</p>
<p>Considering I rushed all night to get my app submitted on time Jan 2., I was rather surprised. Imagine the things I could have done with my app those two weeks! (I started essay writing really late in mid-December -- before that I had pondered a few ideas but I was occupied with other schoolwork. I hope I never commit the same mistake. A whole bloody lot of stress it was -- I spent my entire Christmas vacation writing essays to be eventually smashed by my dear db123 :) haha!) </p>
<p>It's funny how you've interpreted the piece in a totally different way. I was rather surprised when I found out the piece was a suite to a love opera (it seemed deeper than that!); I always seemed to hear this piece just before I leapt down the seven storey stairs of my HDB flat and through our market for primary school. The sun would be rising, and the air would be cool -- we are a tropical city-state, so the air with its pre-dawn dew from the ocean is very refreshing, but it always made me think of distant places. Would a metaphor still fit this? </p>
<p>For the third essay, I'm afraid I have an essay that is too rather kind of vague and abstract; but it was straight-out political! And hey -- it details something that I don't mention often cuz it gets so frequently misintepreted (as I will explain):</p>
<p>c) Discuss something you secretly like but pretend not to or vice versa.</p>
<p>I identify myself as an adherent of anarchist communism, but I rarely admit this except to close friends and teachers, because my position is so frequently misinterpreted. Part of the problem with the label is that since the 1800s, both the terms "anarchism" and "communism" have undergone significant semantic drift.</p>
<p>I do not really oppose order, wish to blow up buildings, support dictatorship, or encourage command economies. In fact, both the "anarchist" and the "communist" parts of the term are important qualifiers to each other: I support neither a strong political state nor a heavily government-regulated economy, but I do not believe in market fundamentalism either.</p>
<p>Market failures are inevitable – whether through externalities or deception of consumers and workers – my wish is to see solutions created based on the nonauthoritarian association of citizens. Rather than give the government more regulatory power for something like environmental protections for example, citizens should realise that their patronisation of an organisation implies their moral support. In an anarchist communist society, well-organised consumer unions would threaten boycotts against unscrupulous corporations -- for example, those polluting the environment or knowingly selling harmful products such as tobacco -- and force them to change their policies without the need for an overbearing State, or violation of economic freedoms.</p>
<p>To most people however, anarchist communism suggests utter extremism and self-contradiction at the same time. Euphemisms such as "libertarian socialist," or "left libertarian," are milder, but are also less satisfactory in describing my position accurately, while still having some of the same problems.</p>
<p>
[quote]
It's funny how you've interpreted the piece in a totally different way.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>that's the beauty of music, art, literature, etc. to each one his own.</p>
<p>
[quote]
Would a metaphor still fit this?
[/quote]
</p>
<p>anything can be a metaphor. that's the beauty of it. </p>
<p>and waiting to do your essays last minute is no excuse. I wrote mine December 31st because I was out of town the next few days but I still paid attention to what I wrote. Don't procrastinate unless you work well under pressure.</p>
<p>
[quote]
I always seemed to hear this piece just before I leapt down the seven storey stairs of my HDB flat and through our market for primary school. The sun would be rising, and the air would be cool -- we are a tropical city-state, so the air with its pre-dawn dew from the ocean is very refreshing, but it always made me think of distant place.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>gahh why didn't you write this!?! it would have made a much better essay! you had the perfect concept but I think you discarded the idea because you thought it made no sense. I would have much rather read an essay about you walking through the market covered with the pre dawn dew as the music playing in your head. Or better yet, you could have made a simile with all of the sounds in the music piece with the sounds of the day. For example, the light patter of the bass drum echoed my footsteps down the seven flights of stairs into the calm, dark street. The quiet and simple thoughts gently flowing through my mind sounded like the crescendo of the clarinet as it flowed through the higher register. </p>
<p>You don't need a metaphor for this. The simple yet elegant details of your walk through the market for school and its relation to the piece would have been enough to show how it affected you: it brings back sweet memories of a past time that brought calm and peace before a hectic day. ** write what you know best. ** you had the concept; you just dismissed it too easily.</p>
<p>now, I have a 3 page paper to write about the byronic hero in an hour. I'll look at your other essay later on today. :)</p>