Someone Please Rate My College Essay

College Essays
1

Things were never given to me, I always had to go and get it. From paying for everything in my closet to paying for my own closet, I never had much support from my parents. It wasn’t even “parents” I lived with my verbally abusive mother until my dad finally to the country when I was in 5th grade. He scolded my Mother whenever she did something that was appropriate. My life was pretty good then. I had many friends and had a 96 average and even got accepted into The Bronx High School Of Science while was the second highest high school to get into during the time.

Suddenly my life took a wrong turn. My Mother lied about my Father and got him arrested saying that he was physically abusing her, and they filed for divorce. After that my life went back to the miserable hole it used to be. I was always bothered while studying or doing my homework. I was constantly crying myself to sleep because I knew I wasn’t performing to my full potential in school. I was always getting 70s and some 80s. It was even harder to manage school because I played for the basketball team(which only 7/150 people get a spot to). Basketball was one of my huge stress relievers and a healthy habit.

At the May of Sophomore year I realized that I had symptoms of ADHD and got medication for it, It wasn’t until the beginning of Junior year I got the proper dosage that I needed but medication wasn’t enough to work to my full potential. I was verbally abused at home nearly everyday. I was never given the chance to hangout with my friends. Anything I wanted I had to pay for with my own money including my phone, clothes and my phone bill. Just when everything was getting together and my mom was calming down I suffered a concussion that left me unconscious for 30 minutes and broke three of my teeth. I missed around two weeks of school because of that and my average dropped around 10 points because the semester just started and I wasn’t there to take the tests or do the homework. The day I came back to school I suffered a seizure and had to take another week off school and that affected my grades even more. It didn’t end there. I suffered 4 more seizures that month until i was prescribed medication.

At this time most would give up. A non-loving mother, constant health problems , going through a divorce , having your grades slip during to being in the hospital. That isn’t me at all. I won’t give up. I begged my teachers to let me makeup the work and they said they will do enough so I can pass the class at least.

This is why I am in love with the idea of independence and having my own setting where I can study undisturbed. People are way more than a 90 on a test or a 1450 on the SAT. I was able to get into the second highest high school in the state when I had the proper environment. Why can’t I thrive in College? I just need the right setting to do well. Hopefully colleges will see that you are more than your GPA or test score will give a chance for this individual who has been through many hardships.

2

Im trying to apply to hard schools like
Boston College
Boston University
Fordham University
New York University
SUNY Binghamton University
SUNY Stony Brook University

3

It is a TERRIBLE idea to post your essay on this or any forum. Look at the top couple of posts pinned onto this thread. The essay could come up on a plagiarism check and/or your ideas can be stolen by another applicant. If you want it reviewed, ask for help and only send it to seasoned adult posters. IMO it is best to have an English teacher you trust read over your essays.

I’d flag a moderator and see if they can take the essay off of CC.

4

Your essay reveals a lot about you that would not otherwise be evident in your application.

Can you ask your English teacher to correct the grammar in your essay ?

Your writing lacks positives. Try to show some intellectual curiosity & motivation to learn & to do well in college & in life.

5

This reads like a therapy session, not a college essay

6

The above essay is, hopefully, cathartic in nature, but also offers valuable insights to admissions officers, It appears to be sincere & brutally truthful.

7

Well, the consensus on this forum seems to be that the hardships that OP is talking about should be explained by their counselor in their recommendation. If I were an admission officer, the essay above would make me feel bad for the candidate but it wouldn’t make me want them on my campus. Just my opinion.

8

You need to ask yourself what is it about this essay that would make an admissions officer want you in their school.

9

@TheMoreYouKow : I agree, but I also think that this is just an early draft. I think that we all can agree that the student should have this essay reviewed by a trusted & respected teacher.

10

Go write another essay. The one you posted will be flagged as plagiarism since it is now on the internet.

If you want someone to read your essay, PM them.

11

MODERATOR’S NOTE:

Excellent advice.

Per ToS, we do not delete posts on request, not that the OP has asked. There are many places on this site from registration onward which informs users not to post private information.

With the disclaimer that I did not read your essay, I have read many essays here, and there are surprisingly very few that are of the caliber that someone would want to plagiarize. If the college did run a plagiarism check, it would probably just come back to your post.

12

I agree with the other posters that this isn’t what you should be writing about in your essay. Have your GC document some of the struggles in the LOR. You can certainly repackage this to highlight your grit and resiliency, but spend less time describing the hardships and more about how you’ve grown.

13

Please find safety schools that match the record you do have. And that you can afford.

The essay is not meant to be an explanation of what went wrong between your parents or your difficult mother, your injuries, your desire to leave home. Nor a request for a second chance.

Please get advice from your GC.

14

Hi, @batman044

There is a lot going on here. I completely understand your desire to reclaim the trajectory you seemed to be on four years ago, when you had high grades and a spot at Bronx Science. (Is that where you’re graduating from, or no?)

What really jumps out at me, though, is the head injury you experienced. I have worked in the rehabilitation field for many years, and what you describe goes well beyond what most people would call a “concussion.” You were knocked unconscious for a significant period of time, and you developed a seizure disorder for which you continue to require medications. This is a big deal. Missing a few weeks of class is just the tip of the iceberg. It hasn’t even been a year since this injury - it is highly likely that you have residual issues. The fact that you have had to “push through” and continue both earning your own money and functioning academically suggests that you really haven’t had the bandwidth to step back, get your issues fully assessed, and get the help you need and deserve.

You haven’t given us information about either your academic record or your financial situation with regard to paying for college and/or qualifying for financial aid… but hints in your essay suggest that you likely have neither the stats nor the resources for the schools you are targeting. (If you have to work to buy your own clothes, how could you possibly pay for a school like NYU, which has terrible financial aid, even if you could get in?) My sense is that other readers are scratching their heads as to why you are setting the goals you are, and why your essay reads like it does… but to me, both of these are extremely familiar as characteristic of a recent head injury.

You sound like a very bright young person with a lot of resilience, and I think it’s very likely that you have the potential to get where you want to go… but getting there means starting from where you are, not making a case for why colleges that you’re not qualified for at this time should take you, because of the hardships and injustices in your life. You need to start someplace where you will have the proper supports and the appropriate level of challenge, to work your way back to the level of your potential.

What I’m hearing is that your top priority is to make a fresh start, away from home, with a residential college experience. Do you know what you would like to study? My thought is that financially, you will likely need to stay within the NY public system; but fortunately there are terrific opportunities there. Speak to your guidance counselor about whether you would qualify for the Educational Opportunity Program https://www.suny.edu/attend/academics/eop/ This program “provides access, academic support and financial aid to students who show promise for succeeding in college but who may not have otherwise been offered admission.” EOP includes summer ramp-up programs and wrap-around advising and support services. It would allow you to take a lighter course load if necessary, and it would provide both extra support services and additional financial assistance such as funding for books and supplies. It may be that within this program, you could be accepted to one or both of the SUNY schools on your list, and be given the help you need to succeed. Or, it might turn out that you would be better served at a less competitive/demanding school initially. It’s really impossible to tell from what you’ve posted here.

As for your essay… I would suggest that you rewind to that point you describe where you were doing well and were excited about your future. What were the dreams and enthusiams of that young person who got into Bronx Science? It’s okay to say that your high school experience has been fraught with detours and setbacks… but you need to paint a picture of the vision for your life that you are trying to get back to. Can you step back and draft that essay first, before you worrying about exactly what details about your difficulties need to be put in?

15

I don’t get a sense of who you are.

16

Throw it out and start over. It reads like a therapy session and doesn’t really about how you’re a good fit for college

17

At this point the essay in the OP no longer matters. It’s been on line for several days. Anyone who liked it has already had the chance to plagiarize it. It’s useless to the OP.

OP, and anyone else reading this, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do NOT post your essays online.

18

No.

19

I agree with @bjkmom, it will fail plagiarism check.

20

Of course, since this thread was started last August, I’m kind of guessing the OP no longer really cares.