Someone please read this essay!!

Applying to College
1

The Road to Sunlight
My palms were sweating as I was sitting in a shiny, blue rental van. I had a novel
in my hand, but could not open it because I couldn’t stop thinking about what was to come. Today was the day of the trip to Disneyland that I had been waiting for. However, I wasn’t waiting to get to Disneyland, I was waiting anxiously to get it over with, because I had a feeling the trip wouldn’t be a success. All I cared about at this point was getting through the grueling, eight hour road trip without problems, so my dad wouldn’t feel like he had wasted all his effort planning it. As much as I hoped the mood wouldn’t suffer during the drive, I expected it to because I knew my stepmother wouldn’t let peace shed its light. She was that kind of person–always trying to ruin any chance of peace. Because she was both wealthy and miserable, she always tried to use her wealth to ruin others’ happiness. I constantly expressed anger over this, creating a dark cloud over my family. Thus, my family became disunited, and this trip would be a test to see if the dispute could be repaired. The quarrel was not broken during this drive, and never would be. However, through various occurrences on the drive, I realized many truths about myself and society which I had no idea of hitherto.
They years preceding this trip were building blocks leading to tension in our family. It took long periods of fighting, arguing, and constant bickering to bring this clash to its peak. As a result, an annoying friction constantly hovered over us. Likewise, a gray cloud filled with thundering storms lingers over an area about to be struck with showers, the way tension loomed over our fragile family. Yet, it was time to look beyond this because the daunting years had given way to the morning of the trip, the same way gray clouds occasionally give way to rays of sunlight. Nevertheless, my situation was far from sunny. My stepmother, as usual, was constantly complaining and bickering about meaningless issues–her way of spoiling any excitement caused by the trip. This angered me because I knew she was doing this purposely, and I felt a need to retaliate. I stopped all conversation with my step mom and step brother, and to my delight, they were infuriated because they didn’t appreciate being shunned by me. However, my dad sent a frustrated look that said, “ Why cant’ you just deal with it?”. He wanted me to be patient with them, because it would make me a better person.
Through my dad’s silent message, I realize it is often more fulfilling to be patient than vindictive, because a vindictive attitude will only lead to further destruction. Conversely, a patient mindset will lead to personal improvement and will relieve unnecessary tension; their meaningless tactics, in reality, had no effect on my life. I had created this entire conflict in my mind So in essence, I fell victim to my own consciousness. I tortured myself by letting this cloud continue to hover because of my own lack of tolerance. As a result, this moment better helped me understand that people are naturally impatient and vindictive, and that it is the obligation of people to better themselves by learning from frustration and anger. The day I got out of that van and into Disneyland, I looked up at the sky and the sun was shining down on me, because I, myself, had broken through the clouds.

do u think it will be something that cancells out the gpa and sats to get me into a UC?
4.10 uc gpa
1300 sat
610wri 570lit 570 math2

2

<p>Well written, great development of ideas, there are some very important issues that you've brought up BUT, there seems to be a lot of pent-up anger that you release quite liberally without any control. I understand that you're trying to express hardship but towards the end when you say "looked up at the sky and the sun was shining down on me, because I, myself, had broken through the clouds" it doesn't actually seem that you've found inner peace because even in your last paragraph you use words like vindictive, anger, torture too often. Try to put the last paragraph in a more positive light so it does actually hint at the lesson you learned of finding inner peace: instead of </p>

<p>"As a result, this moment better helped me understand that people are naturally impatient and vindictive, and that it is the obligation of people to better themselves by learning from frustration and anger."</p>

<p>Try: As a result this moment helped me to understand that sometimes people aren't patient and cannot let go of grudges so easily and it is the obligation of people to improve themselves by learning from these emotions. </p>

<p>It could be a very promising essay and impress admissions but I'm not sure if it will 'cancel out' your sats. your gpa is good, and it would also depend on other things (ecs, rank).</p>

3

<p>hey thanks for the idea</p>

4

<p>You did manage to communicate quite a bit of tension and unpleasantness in this piece. Is this the best thing, or the most important thing you have to communicate to the college about yourself? What was the prompt? I think it shows too much childishness. You might consider a topic that is more relevant to your qualifications for attending college.</p>

<p>I personally find this overly dramatic, melodramatic even. I was expecting to find at the end that you killed them all.</p>

<p>There is some use of florid language you might want to reconsider. Are you ESL?Hitherto? This is a tortortous sentence:
"However, through various occurrences on the drive, I realized many truths about myself and society which I had no idea of hitherto." Just say "During the drive,".
The whole thing could use some clean-up along these lines.</p>

<p>"people are naturally impatient and vindictive" - this is a rather sad point of view that I don't think many kids share. I'm not sure it's wise to offer such depressing insight.</p>

<p>An essay will never cancel out GPA and scores for UC.</p>

5

<p>anyone else?</p>

6

<p>bumpbumpbumpinaway</p>

7

<p>come on ppl</p>

8

<p>Your sequence and development of ideas is completely illogical and malformed. Your basic grammar lacks refinement and the conclusions you come to are elementary at best. The title is completely abstract and ridiculous, with very little insight into the story itself. I suggest a remedial writing course at a local college. While this essay might be acceptable for minority applications, if you are white, the prospects of admission look grim.</p>

9

<p>umm can u explain a little bit please</p>

10

<p>explain dammit</p>

11

<p>I think what she means is that although your grammar is for the most part correct, the essay does not have the je ne sais quoi. Your subject is rather trite; in addition to this, you carry on quite ridiculously. No offense, but your essay is a cliche in itself. In trying to sound sophisticated, I think you managed to sound impersonal. Also, it makes you look like just another teen among the billions who feels a little rebellious. In that, you get no sympathy points.</p>

<p>You might want to try and work on your eloquence and develop some sort of intimate voice.</p>

<p>I'm not trying to offend to anyone, but offering my (hopefully constructive) advice.</p>

12

<p>i wouldnt talk about the stepmother in such a negative way... first it might make adcoms uneasy (they are rich)... second it reflects poorly on your behalf... seems like you have a lot of anger... might make the adcoms suspicious of letting you in.... i would absoultely change the tone... the best advice: write another essay</p>

13

<p>thanks i guess</p>

14

<p>I agree, poor essay. Here's the problem: Your fussy, ornate phrasing and SAT words (like "hitherto") actually <em>obscure</em> your ideas instead of illuminating them. </p>

<p>You take a whole, dense paragraph to say, "My stepmother is a b****, and it has been a misery in my family ever since she came along. After years of trying to battle her into submission and failing, I decided to give up and try to get along." </p>

<p>This essay lacks an idea worthy of an essay-length piece. It is also unclear: how many years has your dad been remarried?, how do you & step brother get along, generally?, why doesn't your dad put his foot down and defend you, if your step mother is being so outrageous? </p>

<p>You essentially repeat the same idea about a half dozen different ways and then leap to a pat concluding comment or two.</p>

<p>How about thinking of these questions before reworking:
- how has it changed your relationship with your father to have had this stepmother?
- what is it like acquiring an instant step sibling?
-does your stepmother have any redeeming qualities (even if not in relationship to you?)
-what is fundamentally different between you & your dad; he acquiesces, you want to fight.</p>

<p>Then if you do choose to go back to this topic, discipline yourself to be concise and use the sort of words you'd use if telling the story. Be descriptive but not flowery. Or take a humorous approach and tell Cinderella from a stepson's point of view (but don't be bitter unless you can come up with behavior that justifies bitterness; lots of people have nasty relatives and don't let it dictate their personality.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

15

<p>any better?
The Road to Sunlight
My palms were sweating as I was sitting in a shiny, blue rental van. I had a novel
in my hand, but could not open it because I couldn’t stop thinking about what was to come. Today was the day of the trip to Disneyland that I had been waiting for. However, I wasn’t waiting to get to Disneyland, I was waiting anxiously to get it over with, because I had a feeling the trip wouldn’t be a success. All I cared about at this point was getting through the grueling, eight hour road trip without problems, so my dad wouldn’t feel like he had wasted all his effort planning it. As much as I hoped the mood wouldn’t suffer during the drive, I expected it to because I knew my stepmother wouldn’t let peace shed its light. She was that kind of person--always trying to ruin any chance of peace. Because she was both wealthy and miserable, she always tried to use her wealth to ruin others’ happiness. I constantly expressed anger over this, creating a dark cloud over my family. Thus, my family became disunited, and this trip would be a test to see if the dispute could be repaired. The quarrel was not broken during this drive, and never would be. However, during the drive, I realized many truths about myself and society which I had no idea of before.
They years preceding this trip were building blocks leading to tension in our family. It took long periods of fighting, arguing, and constant bickering to bring this clash to its peak. As a result, an annoying friction constantly hovered over us. Likewise, a gray cloud filled with thundering storms lingers over an area about to be struck with showers, the way tension loomed over our fragile family. Yet, it was time to look beyond this because the daunting years had given way to the morning of the trip, the same way gray clouds occasionally give way to rays of sunlight. Nevertheless, my situation was far from sunny. My stepmother, as usual, was constantly complaining and bickering about meaningless issues--her way of spoiling any excitement caused by the trip. This angered me because I knew she was doing this purposely, and I felt a need to retaliate. I stopped all conversation with my step mom and step brother, and to my delight, they were infuriated because they didn’t appreciate being shunned by me. However, my dad sent a frustrated look that said, “ Why cant’ you just deal with it?”. He wanted me to be patient with them, because he knew I was making more out of it than there really was.
Through my dad’s silent message, I realize it is often more fulfilling to be patient than vindictive, because a vindictive attitude will only lead to inner conflict. Conversely, a patient mindset will lead to inner peace and will relieve unnecessary tension; their meaningless tactics, in reality, had no effect on my life. I had created this entire conflict in my mind. So in essence, I fell victim to my own consciousness. I troubled myself by letting this cloud continue to hover because of my lack of tolerance. As a result , I understood that sometimes people aren’t patient and cannot let go of grudges so easily, and it is the obligation of people to improve themselves by learning from these emotions. The day I got out of that van and into Disneyland, I looked up at the sky and the sun was shining down on me, because I, myself, had broken through the clouds.</p>

16

<p>SB mom, could u please explain wat u mean with the Cinderella thing because that idea soudns interesting to me.
thanks</p>

17

<p>The 2nd posted essay suffers the same flaws. You need to put it away and go from a totally different beginning... THINK for a few days before yu write again, and don't look at what you've already written, and forget a trip to disneyland! You need to stretch yourself and revising this essay is not the way to do it. You can always go back AFTER the next pass and see if there is anything from this essay you want to include...</p>

<p>Cinderella: You'd write it was the poor stepson who has a wicked stepmother... but if you did it that way it would only work if it was a really good parody, and if it had a happy ending.</p>

<p>Really: try another topic!! What makes YOU unique? What makes you tick? You surely don't define yourself as "the ticked off stepson of a nasty woman," do you? You don't want the admission committee seeing you this way either!!</p>

<p>Read the thread on essay advice for more ideas and more do's and don'ts.</p>

18

<p>I agree with the opinion of IntravenousDMT which is expressed above.</p>

19

<p>Aright a cinderella parody in an hour lol. here goes.
I am not Cinderella, but once upon a time I thought I was. When I was two years old I was brought to America by my father from the Fiji Islands after the death of my mother. I came here to live a new life, although I was only two and was not accustomed to anything else anyway. So this would be the only life I would no. I was not given two evil stepsisters, just a spoiled little stepbrother and a snobby older stepsister. I looked up to them, I don’t exactly know why, and since I didn’t know any better I became the doormat of the family. They did whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted and I just kept to myself and spent most of my time reading Goosebumps. As the years went by I became a big fan sports fan and always wished I could watch TV to watch a game sometime, since I was always told to stay away from Tvs, videogames, and computers. Since I had nothing else to do, I stayed in my room and listened to the games on the radio and at night the books kept my company. As I grew older, I became very good at reading and so I became a good student, much to the jealousy of my siblings and stepmother. My dad told me to be humble and so I did, but the family could not help but notice, as they themselves were in reality, headed nowhere. They just couldn’t handle it when I brought home the report cards to show my dad, and one day I even had the audacity to boldly go where I had never gone before. I came home, very quietly, took out a honor roll bumper sticker from my backpack, and slapped it on the bumper of the family car like I owned it. Of course, there would be dire consequences for my criminal behavior. I didn’t know what to expect and so I stayed in my room. Big mistake. One day I looked up at the ceiling and saw that she had closed the AC vent in my room! I was like 4 ft tall so I couldn’t reach it. Boy did I regret my insolent then. I guess I needed to learn my lesson.
I told myself I would never do such a thing again, and dreamed that one day someone would come for me and take my far away. One day, my prince came. I was at school and wrote a story about mice going to Egypt. Three days later a man from Harvard came to my door looking for the writer, and my stepmother locked the door in my room with my closed vent! She wouldn’t tell them I was home. I couldn’t believe it. The man asked my siblings to write a piece to match the story, but their writing just wouldn’t fit. I opened the door, and he saw me. He asked me to write, and the writing fit! He told me that because my creative masterpiece had captured his heart and changed his outlook on the intelligence of rodents, he was going to take me to the Super Bowl! I was to have a ball. The day of the game, I felt like someone or something had helped me that day. Some magical force had helped that man see my story and find me.
I used to think I was Cinderella because I could not play videogames or watch TV. But now I know I’m not, because I always had my father, my dreams, and somewhere to go.</p>

20

<p>Though this is a rough draft, it is much, MUCH better than the first essay.</p>

<p>I liked the way you let us in to YOU & your world, and the way it reveals the experience of growing up in the family that you acquired when your dad remarried. It is not cranky or negative, so it works better in revealing the hard circumstances but making you seem more grown up and not bitter.</p>

<p>A few things need cleaning up (insolence, not insolent; know /no) and your sentences could have cleaner flow and better syntax. BUT!!-- it is still quite a lot better than the old one.</p>

<p>Maybe instead of the last PP being a total fantasy you need to rework it into a more essay-like "conclusion" for you... By that I mean, because your childhood has resulted in you becoming a thinker, a writer & a dreamer who yearns to "escape" a door has been opened-- higher education-- that will be better than any fairy-tale 'rescue' by an outside party. </p>

<p>The "glass slipper" in this tale can be getting in to the college that fits you perfectly where you will initiate the next phase of your life out from under this difficult beginning. The very last line can be incorporated in this alternative ending too.</p>

<p>A great start!</p>