Someone please score my SAT essay!!!

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Here is my essay</p>

<p>Prompt:
Do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better?
Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<pre><code> Some changes in our lives like car or email have made our lives easier. Ironically using machines to work relentlessly for us we have become relentless ourselves. According to Karen Finucan’s Life in the Fast Lane, “Technology, promises to make our lives easier, freeing up time for Leisure pursuits. These changes which have seemed to make our lives easier actually increased our work capacity making us relentless machines. Two examples of such changes are the cotton gin and the assembly line.
The Cotton gin was invented by Eli Whitney in 1793. At that time many slaves worked on southern cotton plantations in the U.S. Eli’s invention let the slaves work on more cotton in a shorter time period. This invention seemed to assuage their workload but due to the slaveholder’s avarice actually made it increase. With the ability to do more in less time, the slaves were forced to work more. This example shows how an invention that was meant to reduce workload actually increased it due to greed. The Cotton gin is not the only change that seemed to make life easier but in turn make life worse. Another example is the assembly line.
The assembly line much like the Cotton gin made workers relentless machines. With the assembly line built the manager could get more profit in less time. This means that possibly the workers could work fewer hours as the same profit was made. Yet as most managers care primarily about profits rather than worker’s conditions they increased the worker’s workload.
Overall we can see that changes that were meant to alleviate our lives actually increased our workloads. Yet the underlying cause of this is due to the inevitable human nature of greed. We tend to want more profit, more end result. With the power of technology we tend to work more due to avarice and the sight of a better product. Technology is like a rose, it is aesthetic on the outside but when we get closer to it and realize its effects, it can hurt us with its prickly facade.
</code></pre>

<p>Please be honest when grading it...
I really want to improve my essay because on my last essay I got an 8..
Could you not only state the score but also explain how I could improve..
Thank you!</p>

2

<p>A few quick thoughts:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>
[quote]
Ironically using machines to work relentlessly for us we have become relentless ourselves.

[/quote]
What does that mean?</p></li>
<li><p>You mention the internet and cars, but then you don't follow up on those two.</p></li>
<li><p>The cotton gin and assembly line increased productivity. I don't think they were designed to make things easier. the car and email were much better examples. Expand on those two, drop the gin and line and you'll be able to support your thesis much better.</p></li>
</ol>

3

<p>8 /********************/</p>

4

<p>.
Quote:
Ironically using machines to work relentlessly for us we have become relentless ourselves. </p>

<p>What does that mean?
It was too ambigious.. sorry
I was trying to say that machines though were made to make our lives easier by doing the work for us actually in turn made us work harder like machines because we could do more with machines...
My friends also said it had the same mistakes.. with the cotton gin and the assembly line..
the paper didn't flow well and its support was weak with the gin and line..
Would u recommend the 5 paragraph structure or something else?
Thanks</p>

5

<p>I got an 11 on my essay on the PSAT and I would like to make some additional comments. You should, as I studied in my PR Course, always use the 4 or 5 paragraph structure meaning Intro, 2 or 3 body paragraphs with each paragraph representing an example, and a closing. Your essay is not cohesive at all. By that, I mean that it does NOT flow in order. My advice is that you should pick two better examples and elaborate on them. Some stuff you said made no sense at all. Vary your sentences. The essay was extremely boring and you kept using the word "relentless". Out of a 12, I would give this essay a 6. Keep practicing. Don't worry, it takes some time like it did for me but I went from a 5 to an 11.</p>

6

<p>not bad, maybe a 3</p>