<p>I don’t think that he plans on lounging. He has already applied for a job at Safeway.
But who’s to say that at 19 he needs to be ready for college or else?
He may benefit from a gap year, but a gap year that is productive of growth, experience and maturity. My point is not to foreclose on the possibility of returning to college, whether at his LAC where has good grades, or closer to home. Being close to home is a major factor why students go to their state unis, why students from the NE apply to NE schools, and so on. It does not have to mean living at home or 10 minutes from home.</p>
<p>You don’t have to charge him for room and board, that’s ridiculous.</p>
<p>If he wants money to spend, he’ll earn it.</p>
<p>The reason to charge room and board is so that your son learns the value of a dollar. Otherwise, he may think that he can live comfortably on a Safeway salary. Many adult offspring living at home whose parents don’t charge rent spend all of their income on clothes, entertainment, travel, and don’t understand how much they really need to earn to support themselves in the style that they wish.</p>
<p>4SAfrontman
check your pm</p>
<p>Well… if the idea is that he should earn his own money for travel, charging him rent might be a little extreme. Work for a few months and take a few month to travel before going back to school. How much is a safeway paycheck? Even taking 25% of his paycheck (isn’t that what is suggested you can arguably afford for rent.mortgage) and investing it for him would work for me as well. A kind of forced savings. I am not saying you don’t incorporate the rest, but I do think a deeper conversation about attending school would be good for everyone involved so they are on the same page NOW rather than having to find the book in a month of two.</p>
<p>One of my kids is not going to college after high school (the older two are in top colleges) and I plan on supporting her on that alternative path, financially and otherwise, just as I try to support the other two.</p>
<p>Whatever she needs to do to establish her in a more adult life, I will help her with, if I can afford it.</p>
<p>I tend to trust my kids, and trust that they will end up doing the “right” thing. I am less concerned with teaching them a lesson or forcing them to assume responsiblity, and more concerned with helping them find their way, in whatever subtle way I can. I believe they will assume independence and responsiblity as soon as they possibly can.</p>
<p>Leaving college is not always the wrong thing to do. And sometimes that absence from school is not as neat as a gap year. There are all kinds of ways to do college, and all kinds of timetables.</p>
<p>The original poster sounds like she has a good relationship with her son, and he sounds like a “good kid”, so I don’t see the point of some of the games being suggested. I would think they could sit down and work things out for an intermediate, directionless period (which may require the son making some money, if the family needs that, but he can probably figure that out himself), that will probably, at some point, move on to another period that has more direction. Let it happen, and it will happen: it doesn’t have to be forced.</p>
<p>Thank you to all who responded. I agree with what most of you have suggested. I do in fact think DS is looking at this as his version of a “gap” year although I would prefer more planning had gone into it. That said we have discussed the financial aspect which some have said shouldn’t matter and others have come down on the side of what I think is “responsible” contribution which I will hold him to. I hope he does indeed find good reasons for going back to school and he very well may, but I also have to be ready for the possibility that he may not. Dang I’m going to visit our flagship U tomorrow with DD (h.s. junior) this does get easier right?</p>
<p>4safrontman,
I’m sorry that things did not go as well as your son had thought at his original college, and it must be a disappointment that he is not immediately transferring to one of the state universities. I know I would not be thrilled if I were in your shoes. I guess if all he wants is a ‘gap’ year, that sounds like an OK idea, as long as he earns a little money along the way. I hope that he also takes the opportunity to spend some time with friends who are already at the state U, so he will (presumably) know how great it will be to go there. And, parents of kids from his original college can still refer him to friends who are having a great time at the state U.</p>
<p>Al F.</p>
<p>I was in the same situation when my son decided to leave school at age 20 (after his 2nd year). Here’s what I did:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>I told my son that I would pay for 4 years of college for him, within a 5 year period overall. So if he went back to school after a year, I would still pay for the remaining two years – but if he didn’t complete college by the end of the 5th year after high school graduation (age 23) – his education would be at his own expense.</p></li>
<li><p>I told my son he was welcome to live at home for the summer, but after Sept. 1st he could only remain home if he was employed and/or attending school. I told him that if he attended school locally – such as enrolling at a local university through their extension division - that I would pay the cost of tuition. We did not discuss rent - I didn’t really want money from him, I just wanted him off the living room couch. </p></li>
<li><p>I wrote out a statement that showed how much money he had in savings bonds - and listed expenses he would have to attend to, like health insurance. This was just the “reality” paper, so he knew what his assets and obligations were.</p></li>
<li><p>My son also talked about traveling – something about Nepal – and I told him it was fine with me if he traveled but I wasn’t financing it. Of course he was free to cash in the bonds mentioned above if he wanted. </p></li>
<li><p>I put all of the above in the form of a written statement, which I gave to him and explained. I just didn’t want there to be any questions or debate later on. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>Here’s what ended up happening – my son got a job that he loved, and provided health insurance after the first couple of months. He did not have a car so at first I helped him by giving him a ride to the public transit station in the morning & evenings; he moved to an apartment closer to where he worked after about 2 months. After that time I never gave him any money other than occasional small gifts here and there. </p>
<p>My son worked for 3 years then finished school, on his own dime, at an in-state public. He only has to pay for 1 year of his schooling – his final year he qualified for a Pell grant and also received significant merit aid, so if anything he came out ahead. (More money from financial aid than actual cost of living). When he graduated he packed up all of his stuff and came home, but within 10 days had been hired for a job that took him to the opposite coast. He has been employed with the same organization since that time, but was transferred to a same-coast city, and in the meantime met the love of his life and just got married.</p>
<p>So it all can work out well. There has never been any tension between us over money – and in hindsight I think quitting school was the right decision for him. He is very happy with his job now, madly in love with his wife – and those savings bonds? He never cashed them. </p>
<p>I think the key is simply to be direct about what the respective expectations are. After my experience with my son, I was very careful to tell my daughter, in advance, that she had the same deal coming: 4 years of money for college, from me, to be completed within 5 years after graduating from high school. There never was an issue – but the main lesson I took from it is that we, as parents, need to make our expectations clear in advance. It is reasonably foreseeable that a kid might not do well in school or might drop out or transfer – so it makes sense to talk about those possibilities before the kid even starts college.</p>
<p>One more thing – my daughter, who is still in college, is carrying a lot of debt because she has traveled extensively, and her most recent travels ended up costing more than she had planned. She has a credit card, so she ended up putting a lot of stuff on the card – and now isn’t too happy about carrying a balance on the card. But she has said that despite the stress over money, the travels were definitely worth it to her – she felt it was a tremendous growth and learning experience. </p>
<p>So I don’t think you would be making a mistake if you allowed your son to spend HIS money - if the $4000 is in fact his own – to finance travels. I don’t think that YOU should finance the travels – I made it clear to my son that I was not paying for him to travel when he quit school, and my daughter has generally paid for her own travels. But it’s definitely not a waste of money.</p>
<p>
I agree with all your points but in addition I think he should be obliged to contribute somewhat to his ‘keep’ if he’s not going to school even if it’s a one semester ‘gap’. His job at Safeway or somewhere else would allow him to do this and hopefully help drive the point home about why he might want to make sure he returns to college at some point. </p>
<p>The key is figuring out why he wants this change - misses home, misses friends, misses familiarity, is depressed, has social issues at that college, was disappointed by that college - ala the ‘dream school’ that doesn’t quite live up to the dream, found the courses to not be what was expected, is unclear about what he wants for his academic future, wants to get out and see the world and have some adventures now rather than later, or is just plain not of the right mindset to go to college right now.</p>
<p>Some of the above issues might be resolved by his transferring to the local college which could possibly allow him to continue school, be near family and friends, and even still do some of the traveling he wants to do.</p>
<p>I agree with all your points.</p>
<p>You say that he’s been accepted by State U. Since it’s already mid-February, I assume it’s for September enrollment. Would you be willing to risk the non-refundable deposit on the possibility that he’ll change his mind having worked at Safeco for a few months? For bright kids, those jobs get old real fast. (I’m convinced to this day that my father used his contacts to get me the most boring full-time job he could find for the summer between junior & senior years in high school just to make sure I’d go to college!) If so, he’ll have some place to go should he tire of Safeco. </p>
<p>I think traveling will be a moot point unless he then quits his Safeco job - new hires don’t get a lot of vacation time.</p>
<p>About the $4k - if it really is his money, you have no legal right to withhold it from him. However, you can have him pay whatever room & board you’d like in advance and deduct it from that $4k. If the point of paying room & board is to give him an appreciation of a dollar and the cost of living, you may want to invest it for him and return it to him when he returns to school/moves out. Without telling him that this is your plan, of course, so that (1) he doesn’t count on that money, and (2) you can change your mind about giving it back if things deteriorate.</p>
<p>For what it is worth, I’d be a little worried about the supermarket job. My two younger brothers went that route instead of going to college, and they ended up in a weird place: after a couple of years they earned more/hour in the market than they could get with that level of skill anywhere else, and with some benefits, but not enough to really live a full adult life. Worse, the union mentality (that’s not in our contract, work to rules, don’t bother to be fast because you’ll tick off the other workers, seniority rules over competency, …) really tainted his approach to life.</p>
<p>One finally broke free at 26, and went part-time and went to college, but it was tough.
Even he now marvels at some of the habits and behaviors he adopted while working for the markets, and it took him a long time to get over the notion that “the man” was out to get the working guy.</p>
<p>Not all supermarkets are like this, but they worked at several markets for a large national chain. I found it pretty unhealthy.</p>
<p>I didn’t hear any mention of siblings…which IMHO are relevant–as there would be different ground rules for any minors living at home still in high school and a 19 year old adult.</p>
<p>Since you mention there’s a good relationship-- I agree with another poster in this thread-- the $4k is really not the issue in the greater scheme of things. In fact, if he spends a few years out and independent-- when he returns to school, he may be financially independent and you never have to contribute again…</p>
<p>If he is going to live at home, maybe a “one-foot-in-the-door” approach might be nice…the full time mindless job at the supermarket combined with taking just a course or two at a local CC or even online?? Just to keep him tuned in to academics and without having to be a degree-matriculating student- he could explore things he might like to consider in the future.</p>
<p>Rent is crucial as is having significant household chores.</p>
<p>I would not rule out that some girl broke his heart causing the move back home…</p>
<p>Best of luck.</p>
<p>We have a 10 year headstart on a similiar situation, and you’ve been given some really good comments here. However, only you and your wife know this son the best. I second mom 2012/2014’s comments on the impact on siblings. That must be well-managed if this becomes a long-term situation. </p>
<p>However, since right now its a short-term deal, there are no absolute right and wrongs for the child on the less-travelled path. The concern should be for him to set a path and then stick to it…</p>
<p>I remember many years ago being in the same situation. I had no interest in school.</p>
<p>The best thing that happened to me was I had to fend 100% for myself - and fortunately, I got hungry. It took about 3 years for me to realize I’d never get anywhere in life unless I went back to school. I went back full of drive, determination and passion.</p>
<p>The longer your son stays out of school, the easier it is for doors to close on him. If he decides to buy a car, then he’ll need a job to pay for it. Maybe he’ll get a girlfriend who says “You can’t go to school - what about me?”. Or maybe he and that girlfriend will become parents. </p>
<p>The longer he’s out, the tougher it can be for him to go back. </p>
<p>Whatever you do, cut the umbilical cord and make sure he’s 100% on his own.</p>