<p>My underage son and his friends were caught in a friend's dorm room with alcohol over the weekend. They have all been called for a disciplinary hearing next week. Should I get involved? I know they violated the policy and should suffer the consequences, but I am having trouble seeing this as a terribly serious issue. The party had just started, no one had even opened a beer, and several over-21 guests were in attendance. Moreover, an R.A. entered the party without identifying himself as an R.A. I know that I am opening myself up to criticism from some of you that I am enabling my son, but he really is a great kid (honors program, no previous violations, etc.) I really would appreciate your advice or hearing about your experiences with similar issues. Many thanks.</p>
<p>I would stay out of it. I think your son is in for a valuable learning experience. </p>
<p>I also think that the learning experience could be impaired if you share with your son your opinion that you are "having trouble seeing this as a terribly serious issue." I can see why you feel that way, but perhaps it's better to share your views on this point with us than with your son.</p>
<p>Does your son's school have a one-strike and you're out policy? At most schools, the first violation does not result in expulsion or loss of scholarships as far as I know. I'd be concerned if this happened to my son, and I understand your worry, but I can't imagine that getting involved is going to do your son any good. </p>
<p>I'd give my son a stern lecture about being stupid and careless and let him take his licks. At his school, the first violation merits a warning, nothing more.</p>
<p>After hearing a recent story about how a lovingly-assembled box of goodies my friend sent to her son at a top LAC ended up serving as the puke-bucket for his inebriated roommate, I'm in favor of cleaning up the dorm drinking situation.</p>
<p>this is pretty much what happened to my D- and it was two beers in a closet in the room of a friend of a friends- she had to write an essay, go to a meeting with an RA and do some stupid online course</p>
<p>at first she was really scared, then she talked to the RA, etc., and found that while it goes in a file somewhere, it is basically forgotton about UNLESS it happens repeatedly</p>
<p>D wasn't drinking (and yes I do believe her), but she realized wrong place wrong time- lots of kids got busted that weekend</p>
<p>She called and was crying and told us we would get a letter, but it was more of a pain - the essay and such- than anything else</p>
<p>But she did learn to not assume anything about a new friend</p>
<p>It's hard for parents to get this I think since rules have become so strict and the legal age is now 21, but I think most colleges have made sure that the students know there is to be no alcohol in the dorms and that there will be penalties. That said, you should advise your son to get a copy of the alcohol code/disciplinary code; you might want to review it with him re what might happen at the hearing because it is important that he know his rights. He's probably received something in writing by this time since the hearing is scheduled?</p>
<p>I'd want to know both the expected and the maximum punishments for this first offense. If the max was something they could live with, I'm out. If it's something that will expel him or derail a professional career before it gets a chance to start, welcome to the Wonderful World of Dad .</p>
<p>I agree you should not get involved - he made the decision to drink and he needs to deal with the consequences. If he thinks he is old enough to make that choice he certainly is old enough to deal with the fall out. Does not mean you should not talk to him about it. </p>
<p>I am from Europe originally so find the drinking age of 21 difficult to understand. I could drink legally at 17 or 18. However I have pointed out to my kids that the rules here are the rules here and they have to be very aware of possible consequences if they break them. Some can be far reaching such as not being able to get jobs in certain sectors with the violation on your record. At orientation one lady was telling us about someone she knew that had a MIP (minor in possession) on their record and was unable years later to get a job in certain government fields because of it.</p>
<p>I looked for my Ds school policy on their web page after reading this post. I cannot find anything except 'greek life' rules. I am curious now after reading the posts about loss of scholarships & expulsion. My D tells me she does not drink but has been the DD for her b/f and some of his friends. Something I am not enthusiastic about as an 18 year old girl driving drunks around does not sit well with me.</p>
<p>I think I would tread lightly. Different schools have different views, but it sounds like yours is one where they have their own enforcement of their own written and possibly unwritten rules. It allows them to keep the local gendarmes off campus, and generally facilitates cordial relations among all.</p>
<p>Its a little tough to intervene, I think, without finding yourself de facto asserting that there ought to be no rules. Given that there is a broad range of discretion at the level of the enforcement, how he and you approach this might have a lot to do with how closely he is monitored in the future. </p>
<p>Anyway, just my 2 cents.</p>
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I'd want to know both the expected and the maximum punishments for this first offense. If the max was something they could live with, I'm out. If it's something that will expel him or derail a professional career before it gets a chance to start, welcome to the Wonderful World of Dad .
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<p>Agreed. There is a difference between being a parent and an enabler.</p>
<p>"I agree you should not get involved - he made the decision to drink and he needs to deal with the consequences. If he thinks he is old enough to make that choice he certainly is old enough to deal with the fall out."</p>
<p>But...but...doesn't the law mean that we think he's not responsible enough to make that decision? Why should we think that he's mature enough to deal with the fallout? (I basically agree with what has been said above--I just dislike the hypocrasy of a society that says 18-year-olds are not mature enough to drink a beer but are mature enough to enter into a binding enlistment agreement with the military.)</p>
<p>I happen to agree with you about it not being a terribly serious issue. I've stated in this forum before that I think the drinking age should be lowered, and I find the idea of RAs going undercover to bust students who are not causing a problem and are in a room to be extremely distasteful.</p>
<p>I would say, don't intervene. This is his battle to fight. Give him advice if he asks for it, though. And encourage him to get involved in student government/advocacy so that he can influence the policy for the future.</p>
<p>Drinking in the dorm? My son's freshman hall (at an Ivy) had KEGGERS in the dorm last year. There was absolutely NO enforcement of any school or legal policy regarding alcohol. Same with my D's college (Rice).</p>
<p>The only reason to be concerned here is that this might be a school where this is a big deal. A co-worker's D got busted at Miami-Ohio last year coming home drunk from a frat party and actually lost a $13K scholarship for second semester and if she has one more violation she is out of school! I happen to think this is ridiculous, but some schools are taking this approach due to serious problems in past years. I agree with finding out what the maximum penalty might be and acting accordingly. Caution your son that this policy must be obeyed since it is clearly being enforced at this particular school.</p>
<p>
Did she lose it for that one semester, or did this infraction cost her (and her folks) $13 k for the next 6 semesters , too? **$91,000?<a href="If%20she%20was%20a%20freshman.">/b</a> Fire up the Corporate Jet , Hans and scramble the forensics team. We are going to Ohio. On my mark. 3-2-1.....;)</p>
<p>She just lost it for the semester. She got it back for the next year (subject to grades....) It is a ROTC scholarship.</p>
<p>In addition to the penalty, I would consider what your son would want. Would he feel better or worse if you went?</p>
<p>You need to be there for your son by listening to him but not by trying to get him out of any trouble he may have brought upon himself. Rules are rules and he was probably made aware of them at the beginning. Also, most schools are reasonable about a first incident. Good luck!</p>
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The only reason to be concerned here is that this might be a school where this is a big deal. A co-worker's D got busted at Miami-Ohio last year coming home drunk from a frat party and actually lost a $13K scholarship for second semester and if she has one more violation she is out of school! I happen to think this is ridiculous, but some schools are taking this approach due to serious problems in past years. I agree with finding out what the maximum penalty might be and acting accordingly. Caution your son that this policy must be obeyed since it is clearly being enforced at this particular school.
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<p>Miami has had some high profile alcohol related incidences lately. Could be a response to these incidents. Everyone needs a lawyer in time of jurisprudence. A wise parent as an advocate isn't a bad idea when facing institutional discipline. After all, they aren't facing a jury of their peers typically, but of older adults, motivated by their own institutional priorities.</p>
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Everyone needs a lawyer in time of jurisprudence. A wise parent as an advocate isn't a bad idea when facing institutional discipline.
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<p>Slightly off-topic, but related and funny - this is a story that I was told as an incoming student member of the school Committee on Discipline (which had faculty, staff, and students) when I was a college senior.</p>
<p>There is a policy in place saying that a "respondent" to a complaint could have an "advisor" (usually but not always a faculty member) give them advice and moral support before the hearing, accompany them to the hearing and give advice during that time, and in some cases speak at the hearing (incidentally, your son should find out if this concept exists at his school). The catch was that an advisor could not be a relative or a lawyer.</p>
<p>Well, we newbies thought this was a weird restriction, so we asked why it had been put in place.</p>
<p>We were told that several years before, a student who was up for a hearing had been related to Alan Dershowitz, and he had served as her advisor! The restriction was put in place after this case.</p>
<p>Assume it is one of the expulsion schools, or at least loss of scholarship schools - are some of you folks saying that if your child was facing a criminal charge/civil suit that would cost them tens of thousands of dollars (like the loss of scholarship or expulsion would), you wouldn't intercede on their behalf? </p>
<p>Why is it so different if it's the college going after them for something they did? instead of GMAC? or Citibank? or Mr. Jones the landlord where the lease was broken? Or would they be on their own there , too?</p>
<p>Even a werewolf deserves representation. ;)</p>
<p>I stick by my original post - You've got to know what the expected (and max possible) ramifications are to make a decision on how to proceed. Small and uncomfortable- kid's on her own. Large and threatening- Well, I'll be there. Y'all can make your own choices.</p>
<p>Edit: I'm not Dershowitz, but they'd know I had been there. ;)</p>
<p>School I work at identified 50/60 students at a dorm party where there was some alcohol present. No opportunity to defend, no differentiation between drinking or not, even people who just stuck their head in for a minute.</p>
<p>They're threatening a week long suspension from the dorm--might as well just fail them while they're at it, for those who live too far to commute from home. I can't find any written info on the drug policy; the campus catalog rfers to a document which seems to exist, but neither I nor the students have seen.</p>
<p>My observation is that, the farther down the academic foodchain the college is, the more draconian they get with their policies toward students.</p>
<p>Ours are treated like potential F-ups at all times as a default position.</p>