<p>I don’t think he’s depressed. He’s just an immature college kid in love. Unfortunately I saw this in college with several students. My sisters best friend did the same thing. Round up dropping out after her first year and now has two kids at 24. Just re enrolled in college I believe. </p>
<p>If he’s not going to class, don’t pay for his school. Don’t post for his apartment or his cell phone. Or his Netflix. If he doesn’t go to school he needs to work</p>
<p>Chances are they will break up and he’ll want to go to school later, but who knows.</p>
<p>Good advice about the notice period and changing the locks. Ordinarily, it’s wise to keep siblings out of this kind of negotiation, but since your D is living there, she needs to be kept informed of the decisions you’ve made and a summary of what you discussed with your son. She may be facing some headaches for a time.</p>
<p>Thank you everyone for the wonderful advice! After reading through all of them, I feel much more confident in the decisions my husband and I have made to cut off his cell phone bill and to take his car. As for the apartment, we are waiting to sit and talk to him about it. We will need to make it clear to him again why we are no longer funding his cell phone bill and taking the car. As for the Netflix, it belongs to his girlfriend so nothing I can do there. We tell him that we love him and that we will be here for him and that the apartment is available for him to use if he were to go back to school.</p>
<p>strongly agree w calmom that a talk giving notice and a deadline is step 1. Include specific expectations. It would not be fair to cut him off- now! And remember, there are things the parent said they’d provide, so you must take the “high road” despite his deception, or you will appear to be dishonest as bad as he was. Imo that teaches a bad lesson- that S can’t be trusted, but parent can’t be trusted either! Instead, teach him a lesson about honesty and integrity.
acknowleging his lying should be discussed too. Don’t let him think you are unaware.
If he doesn’t have the attendance and the grades by the deadline cut him off.
During the talk about deadlines, Let him know as an adult, he can choose his own path, you cannot choose for him. But parent(s) are adults too, and can choose their own path, and he cannot choose for you. He cannot make you choose that you must give him the gift of tuition, housing, etc. You are not making him choose anything. Don’t fall for that. You are letting him choose for himself his path, and you are choosing for yourself your path.
Tell him simply that he’s an adult, and if he chooses not to give college his best effort, then you choose not to continue subsidizing an adult, so as an adult, he has the right to choose to support himself.</p>
<p>A question about the apartment…when is the lease up? could your daughter choose to move to other accommodations at the end of the lease, perhaps with a friend/room mate? I was thinking this might take some of the drama out of the situation. No one is kicking him out of “his” apartment; your child who is still in school is just moving in with another room mate who is in school too…nothing unusual about it.</p>
<p>I would be totally matter of fact about this kind of thing…I would tell my son that I pay rent for adult children who are students who are in school because of course they cannot work long enough hours to support themselves because they are in school; and that in other situations, I would expect adult children to support themselves. Let him know you believe in him, his abilities, his decision making…and leave the GF out of it.</p>
<p>Also out of curiousity…where is her family in all of this?</p>
<p>I think you have gotten good advice. I would consider having your son take a leave of absence for a semester or a year and having him work for a year. Otherwise, I could see him agreeing to return to school and then just continuing to skip class until he funks out. </p>
<p>One issue to focus on is getting your daughter out of this situation. Right now she is caught in the middle of this. It is unfairly affecting her studies and life. It will also puts her in the difficult position of needing of reporting her brother behavior to you. Not because she wants to but because she needs to because it effects her.</p>
<p>It may be possible to change apartments before the lease is up. You could possibly move your daughter into a single bedroom apt. in the same complex and let your son know what date they all have to be out of the current one.</p>
<p>Great advice. I would give him a notice about the apartment. I would also put it in writing and send it e-mail since that is how he chooses to communicate with you. I suspect he already knows you want to cut him off and will avoid seeing you in person. </p>
<p>I also agree with getting your daughter away from the situation!</p>
<p>I wanted to add that in my D’s case it wasn’t so much the BF demanding she spent all of her time with him, nor that she pay for things, nor that she stay away from her family. She knew we didn’t approve of him, but wanted to be with him, so she spent more time with him than with us. She knew that he liked “stuff” so she bought him things with the money from her job-that was supposed to be being saved for school. </p>
<p>To outsiders it probably would have looked like he was the one calling all the shots and insisting she be with him all the time, but it was really the other way around. He just knew a good thing when he saw it and didn’t object when she lavished all her time and money on him. The minute she wasn’t there physically, he was busy with other girls.</p>
<p>Your DD shouldn’t have to put up with your DS’s GF. I wouldn’t pay for the apartment unless he is in school. I would also figure out what you are going to do if GF stays in DS’s life and she suddenly becomes pregnant…she sounds like the type that may do that to keep control of your son.</p>
<p>You have been given so much excellent advice. I don’t have much to add except that, for what it’s worth, I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. Pleae do so without guilt and knowing that you are a responsible parent who is trying to ensure your child becomes a responsible adult and productive member of society. As a parent, my heart goes out to you, and I am sorry you are going through this.</p>
<p>Just an additional thought, as I know you said it has been difficult to talk to him, except through e-mail: Is there someone else in the family that he has a close relationship with (favorite aunt or uncle, close sibling, grandparent, etc.) that can have a talk with him (in addition to the talk you will be having with him) and try to get through to him that you guys all have his best interests at heart and are worried about the path he is going down by not going to school or working?</p>
<p>I do have a friend who has been through a slightly less dramatic version of your scenario. Her son was “in love” and gave up a lot of opportunities from HS on–the university he should have attended, friends, social life, his grades suffered (not to failing out however). The worst part was his dad (they were divorced) had bought an apartment for him so all financial considerations (cutting him off, making him pay rent, moving, transferring, etc)stemmed from that fact alone so there was no leverage in that department. In fact he felt obligated to dad to stay put.
He eventually dropped out of college, dropped the girl friend (a drain on his energy) and has started over. Sans apartment by the way. He’s doing better now and seems happy–has a job, self-supporting (with ocassional help), working on a new tack with a new career goal, getting on with life.</p>
<p>you’ve had good and almost unanimous advice. Stop supporting him if he’s not in school. Give him a “date” at which this happens (I’m going to guess end of summer/Labor Day). If necessary, though, to keep your daughter above the fray, if son doesn’t move out of the apartment, be prepared to let the lease expire and move dd to another apartment, alone or with new roommates, or into the residence halls.</p>
<p>Thank you all again. My daughter called the other night, frustrated because my son messed with the internet and she could not use the wifi. She woke up one morning and the parts were disconnected and left at the front of her bedroom door. </p>
<p>We sent him an email telling him that he needs to remove his things if he is not going to attend school in the fall. </p>
<p>He sent my two younger daughters a message on FB saying he loved them very much and that he would always be there for him, almost as if it was a goodbye. He blocked off my other daughter (the one who lives with him) and she told me his girlfriend also removed her from FB. I’m not sure what to make of it.</p>
<p>As for what the GF’s family does, I’m not sure, but they give her money to spend on trivial things. They approve of their relationship and let him spend the night at their place, even though they know we wouldn’t permit something like that.</p>
<p>Well, maybe it is a goodbye – I think your first concern should be for your older daughter right now. It’s hard on her to have to live with that situation – I agree with the others that if your son doesn’t move out, you should look into moving your daughter into a different place. Is this an apartment that you rent or own?</p>
<p>let him move in with her family.yuo vou could rent his room in apartment. if this were my kid, if they were working, at anything, and doing anything,i would be more supportive, as college isn’t for everyone, but right now you son is thinking with not his brain.</p>