<p>My son is a senior with inattentive ADD (vyvanse). He has a 4.05 weighted gpa, in the top 12% of his class, will graduate with about 8 ap credits, no behavior problems, Eagle Scout etc. However, all those things don't reveal all the struggles he has behind the scenes. He's a huge procrastinator, is sleep deprived, poor time management, etc. The grades he has gotten are usually by the skin of his teeth, with tons of hours and hard work. Through all this, my husband and I have probably been involved too much, because we didn't want to see him fail. </p>
<p>All summer he refused to work on his essays or applications. Now it's mid-Sept and he's still dragging his feet. We have helped fill out apps., done research about colleges, pushed him to do his essays, etc. All we ever do now is argue with him about getting his college stuff done. He wants to go to a selective school and won't consider community college, but does nothing about it.</p>
<p>He seems to have a lack of maturity and the inability to see what's going to happen down the road.</p>
<p>Do we do anything further or just let it all go and let the chips fall where they may? We feel very badly and we're unsure of what to do.</p>
<p>Boys, even boys with ADD, do indeed mature as they get older. If you leave him to his own devices, either he’ll get around to applying (and, after all, the deadlines are not for months) or he won’t. If he doesn’t, then a gap year isn’t the worst thing in the world.</p>
<p>The other thing you need to consider is the types of “support” he will have (or won’t have) as a college student. The reality is that YOU won’t be there to prod and encourage him to get stuff done. With proper documentation, he can ask for support…but HE has to seek that support. It’s not like high school where a 504 or IEP case manager will chase you down to make sure you are getting the accommodations on a form. At college, it’s up to the STUDENT to seek this kind of help.</p>
<p>It sounds like your son has some wonderful skills…but also some needs. As far as help…the thing you can help him with the most is finding colleges where he will have the best chance of succeeding as an independent student. </p>
<p>I will tell you that we used a large desk calendar and put deadlines for submissions on that calendar (put a deadline for completion about 5 days earlier). That visual helped MY kids get things done on time. </p>
<p>Beyond helping organize and meeting the deadlines, there isn’t much else you can do. You can’t complete the applications, you can’t write the essays, you can’t have him ask for letters of recommendations. HE needs to do those things. </p>
<p>If they don’t get done…well…they don’t get done. BUT he needs to understand that NOW. Tell him what you will do to help (set up a calendar of deadlines, etc)…and remind him that the tasks to be done have to be done by him. You might also considering asking him if he wants a time each week set aside for doing college application “stuff”. Perhaps that will work for him.</p>
<p>You should look into student support services EVERYWHERE your son considers applying.</p>
<p>EDIT…another thing…try to wean yourselves from the “helper mode” this year. It will make it ever so much better for him to do this now than when he is away at college cold turkey.</p>
<p>I would also check out Ed Hallowell’s (of Driven to Distraction fame) newest book. He has a whole section about how to prepare your kid to go away to college, and what to do when they get there. </p>
<p>Title is Delivered from Distraction: how to get the most out of life with ADD.</p>
<p>And it turns out Ed Hallowell has ADD. Harvard BA, English Literature. and Tulane Medical School. He is an adult and child psychiatrist who was on the faculty of Harvard Medical School.</p>
<p>He got by in high school without accomodations, but we realize that this will be key to him being successful in college and on his own.</p>
<p>We also feel that he should be at a smaller school, maybe 4,000-8,000, with high instructor/student interaction. He is on board with all that. Part of his learning style consists of a lot of participation in classroom discussions and getting to know his teachers well. We are in Florida; he wants to stay in the southeast. He’s looking for a school with a diverse student body. Any suggestions?</p>
<p>We recently sat him down and explained that we will not be initiating any more help without his direct guidance. No more looking into things on our part. We have used a check list in the past, but I like the idea of a large calendar with dates and deadlines. We have better luck when we post things on his bathroom mirror.</p>
<p>If he goes to the community college, it’s okay with us. However, we know him and he’ll be greatly disappointed. The local university is a safety for him, but it’s huge (45,000).</p>
<p>My oldest sounds a lot like your son. You’ll be pleased to know that he was able to transition to college well on his own 1000 miles away from home with minimal-to-no parental input.</p>
<p>But - as you well know! - it’s that intermediate step that’s key. Rather than just bowing out now and letting him end up in the local CC as a natural consequence, I’d suggest posting what you have at this point (deadlines for the schools he’s interested in, deadlines for SAT registration, checklists of what he needs to ask the GC) on the bathroom mirror. Maybe even leave a pencil in there for him! What you need to do is gradually thin the safety net but not leave him without the support he needs for such an important decision. Best of luck!</p>
<p>I helped my son a lot. Not only does he have ADD, he was quite young for his year, going away to school at 17. </p>
<p>I did not do anything for him, but I did “supervise” the project.</p>
<p>This included three CD’s for his Arts Supplement – piano, strings, composition. He had a lot of work to do.</p>
<p>I felt that it was a process, and my organizational skills are also modeling for him.</p>
<p>He is now starting his junior year and never missed a deadline at school. He did have difficulty with some of the work for his initial major and needed emotional support to change majors.</p>
<p>He is much happier in his second major so it’s all good.</p>
<p>It’s a process. I knew he would mature a lot between the Fall of senior year and the beginning of college. He knew his goal and concentrated on taking over the reigns of his life. </p>
<p>However, I didn’t have rules about support for the college process. It’s a unique process because it has a huge emotional valence.</p>
<p>The one accommodation I did do was remove any school from the list if he was not eager to write the supplemental essay(s) for the school. It was a sign to me he did not really want to attend, and I didn’t push him.</p>
<p>Guilford College in Greensboro, NC is a smaller place with close instructor/student relationships. I don’t know specifics about LD services, but it may be worth checking out.</p>
<p>“If you leave him to his own devices, either he’ll get around to applying (and, after all, the deadlines are not for months) or he won’t. If he doesn’t, then a gap year isn’t the worst thing in the world.”</p>
<p>I agree. I am ADD, and have a son with ADHD and one with ADD.</p>
<p>I procrastinated with college apps, but managed to get them in on time, and went to and graduated from an Ivy.</p>
<p>I literally stood over older S to make sure he got his applications in on time. I also did things like typed out the fill in the blank parts for him. He got a full ride to college then flunked out after a freshman year in which he didn’t go to class and didn’t turn in assignments.</p>
<p>I learned my lesson. I made sure that younger S knew how long it takes to write essays, to order tests to be sent to colleges, etc., but I let him work on his applications without my help. He missed the deadlines for the colleges that interested him. Shortly after that, however, on his own, he landed an Americorps volunteer position. He spent a gap year with Americorps living at home and paying rent, and being responsible for getting himself to work, etc. He also applied to colleges on his own, and now is an junior honor student at his first choice college. </p>
<p>If I could do things over, I would not have helped older S with his applications. He would have been far better off living at home for another year.</p>
<p>My son had ADD but never medicated. He went to a small high school (Catholic) that was quieter and more predictable than a larger, noisy public and did well. . He also went to a small LAC at 17,which fit his style, he still procrastinates, still has some sleepness nights doing things last minute, but he did fine, with good grades. I don’t know if he went to a large college if that would have been the same, (he doesn’t think so) but finding the right fit, is important.
I did nag him a bit with EA apps, and he did 2, although one of them, Fordham, gave him an extention. His essays were kept on track by a great AP English teacher.
I realized when my son went to school, anything could happen, but I was pleasantly surprised how his maturity grew and his common sense. He didn’t drink, he went to class, he asked questions, etc.
I have another chld with similiar issues and I wonder again, how it will be, but you should communicate often, pick the right environment and be available to offer advice and support.
I know that we might have had slightly better financial offers, going further away, but I think for us, being within 3-4 hours away, was a good thing in case we had any issues.</p>
Investigate what kind of documentation the colleges need (may vary) for college accommodations. If he needs accommodations, be prepared so that they are in place when college starts.</p>
<p>I was extremely involved in my Son’s application process. The problem is that the meds do wear off…and after that point, Son becomes The Most Distractible Person on Earth. 15 minute tasks take 2 hours. I gave him one task to do at a time. “Today go on the College Board web site and put in the request to have your SAT scores sent to this list of schools.” “Today fill out the online app for this school.” He says that when his meds wear off, his thoughts are like a room full of tennis balls bouncing around. If each step in the college app process had been a tennis ball bouncing around with all the other steps, he’d have never finished. </p>
<p>And so far so good at school. I really worried about whether he was ready to be away from home, but I think being away has actually helped…when you’re in a tiny dorm room with no friends and little else to do, it becomes easier to study.</p>
<p>D gets distracted even while on meds. “There was a spider crawling around the floor during my ACT test on Saturday. I had to keep putting my feet up every time he got near.” Of course she couldn’t just stomp on it. And she was too embarassed to tell the test administrator. I’m sure she kept an eye on that spider for hours. So much for extended time!</p>
<p>Only laughing because I can relate so well. Son, describing his first period Algebra class: “Mrs. __ has these posters on the wall, and the pictures come to life…” Yeah, kind of hard to concentrate on Algebra when there is a private movie screening on the wall right in front of you!</p>
<p>I think the other key is to teach him to self-advocate. We finally got services for our son in junior year, but he tries to do it without help. Resource Room teacher and dad and I have talked to him a lot about how he will access help in college (no one is going to come to him, he needs to be proactive - not a great strength to date)</p>
<p>We’ve met with some of the resource people at colleges he’s most interested in. They’ve all been very informative and he seems to feel comfortable with the way the process will work. Once he’s settled on a school, we intend to begin an immediate dialogue with the people there to make sure they all know each other and that he will go seek help.</p>
<p>I agree that we need to model and talk a lot about the challenges that may lie ahead. We’ve been making schedules for applications and making sure son is very diligent about using a calendar/planner both to keep track of dates and to plan his time. Everyday (routine is key) he makes a schedule for his after school/evening time, making sure to leave a least 45 minutes of “me time”.</p>
<p>He also told us that he only wanted small schools. When we looked at our state U the website alone overwhelmed him. </p>
<p>My biggest concern right now is preparing him for roommates who make noise, tap pencils, fidget…all the things that make him crazy. We also are trying to find an alternative to the white noise machine he uses to filter out distractions at bedtime.</p>
<p>“How do colleges respond to a student that applies with a gap year? Does it affect their chances of getting in vs. not skipping the year?”</p>
<p>If the student did something productive like full-time volunteer work or working fulltime, their gap year is viewed as a plus since colleges predict such students will be more mature, focused and responsible than are most college freshmen.</p>
<p>I am sure that S’s gap year with Americorps helped him get merit aid at the LAC that he’s attending. S graduated from high school with about an unweighted 2.7 despite having one of the highest SAT scores in the school. He had done extraordinarily well in an out of school service-oriented EC – gaining a countywide award for his contributions-- but otherwise hadn’t done anything remarkable.</p>
<p>With Americorps, he headed the county’s youth volunteer programs, and also did other kinds of service. He also had to write monthly reports and wasn’t allowed to leave work until they were completed. That taught him that making deadlines and writing wasn’t just something that is required in high school.</p>
<p>In college, by the end of first semester of his freshman year, he already had taken on leadership roles in 2 organizations while maintaining high grades and avoiding the partying problems that many freshmen (including one of his roommates) experience at his school. By the end of second semester, he was working 10 hours a week, on a campus-wide board, continuing his other activities and maintaining high grades. </p>
<p>Soph year, he added more work hours and more ECs, and his grades improved.</p>
<p>He has the maturity to appreciate being in college – including the EC and other opportunities it offers. He also has skin in the game in that his merit aid requires his maintaining a 3.0 gpa, and we also require him to work and take out loans to help fund his education.</p>
<p>“My biggest concern right now is preparing him for roommates who make noise, tap pencils, fidget…all the things that make him crazy. We also are trying to find an alternative to the white noise machine he uses to filter out distractions at bedtime.”</p>
<p>Your son more than likely is bright enough to figure out how to handle those things – if he is motivated to do so. </p>
<p>My younger son – the ADD one – had a freshman year roommate from hell. The guy was bringing girls in in the middle of the night and having sex while S was trying to sleep. The roommate also left his dirty, sweaty laundry piled in the center of the room for weeks on end. S’s room stunk. The roommate also tried hard to get S to join his hard partying lifestyle.</p>
<p>S’s way of handling things was to virtually live in the library when he wasn’t working, in class or involved in ECs. </p>
<p>Where there’s a will – and maturity – our students will find a way even if they have ADD or ADHD. </p>
<p>Students who are bright enough to get into college are bright enough to find ways of overcoming these kind of challenges – if they are motivated to do so.</p>
<p>“We also are trying to find an alternative to the white noise machine he uses to filter out distractions at bedtime.”</p>
<p>With all of the noise in dorms, I think his roommates might welcome such a machine.</p>
<p>bzmom, I am facing the same issues with my Vyvanse-medicated ADD son. I think it’s fair to help him keep abreast of deadlines and to help him stay organized with checklists and the like. I don’t agree with the rationale that says (under any circumstances, not just with college apps) they’ll be leaving next year, they may as well learn now; they’re here now, how does it help to treat them as if they’re gone? I don’t help my son with his high school deadlines or homework (5 out of 6 of which are college level courses) and I won’t help him with same in college, I don’t see why my helping him keep on track with college apps has any bearing on how he’ll fare on his own in college.</p>
<p>If you feel badly about ditching him, then don’t. I know a mom who’s non-ADD HS salutatorian daughter needed her mom to give her wake up calls before crucial college exams for fear she’d sleep through them. On some level I thought that was ridiculous at the time, but if she needed that and her mom was willing, so what? I understand the philosophy that says too much help will make a kid dependent and I think it’s valid, but what’s too much help varies from kid to kid, and it’s just as valid to say a kid who gets the help he needs learns to seek the help he needs.</p>