Sons and Daughters: How different?

Parents Forum
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<p>I read the posts on this board the last two years, never joining until I needed to post a question about time between classes, but learning a lot. Today's Washington Post Book Review's cover title was "A Brain of One's Own" about Louann Brizendine's " The Female Brain" which started me thinking about the differences I have read here over how sons and daughters react to going away to college. So at the risk of fulfilling the Rolling Stones song of
"Getting my fair share of abuse" here goes:</p>

<p>Without stereotyping, the old nursery rhyme about boys being snips and snails and puppy dog tails while girls are sugar and spice and everything nice seems to have some validity. Sons seem to have more girlfriend and authority/limit issues as well as a total disdain for early packing and shopping, while daughters seem to worry about new friends, roomates, and getting along. </p>

<p>Interestingly enough, many of the posters with the "answers" to sons' misbehaviors appear to have only daughters. Parents of sons seem shell shocked. So basic question to those parent who have both a son and a daughter: have you noticed any major differences?</p>

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<p>The parent's forum has a number of lengthy threads on the differences between boys and girls--including ones detailing the thesis by Brinzendine.</p>

<p>Parents of boys aren't shell shocked. Most of us don't expect our boys to act like girls, in the classroom or out. We have a nice sense of humour and our own acronyms though. TSFH: The Sophomore From Hell; TJFS: The Junior From Space and so on. </p>

<p>Anyone else have links to some of those threads?</p>

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<p>I have one of each. </p>

<p>D is an overachiever: passionate, graduated valedictorian, won art awards, very focused and competitive. Older of the two.</p>

<p>S is very comfortable with Bs and Cs and generally seems more comfortable inside his skin. He has a quirky sense of humor and is more gregarious in social situations. </p>

<p>Not meant as a generalization about males and females, just that I have one of each and they couldn't be more different.</p>

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<p>DD is overachiever; passionate, graduated valedictorian, very focused, extrovert. older of the two. (sound familiar?)
DS is laidback, introvert, content, homebody, not passionate about academics, likes to watch sports and play computer games, sweet, kind, funny, just as smart as sis but strengths in math/science as opposed to LA.</p>

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<p>My two fit the stereotype to a great degree. While both are good students and enjoy fine arts and sports, the way they deal with people is very different. Son is very independent and while he has some good friends, it is clear that he doesn't need them to feel complete and happy with himself. Daughter really needs those friends to talk with, to act as a sounding board and somehow to feel complete.</p>

<p>PS - She loves to shop for anything, any time, anywhere. He loathes shopping and mostly enlists others to go to stores for him or else he shops online. Typical! I know he has paid his sister to do his Christmas shopping for him and to wrap his gifts. It's a match made in heaven!</p>

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<p>I also have one of each.
DS is very laid back, doesn't get flustered, isn't particularly picky about anything, and is passionate about his major in college (music).</p>

<p>DD is very very well organized, works very hard, is quite picky about lots of different things, and hasn't a clue what she wants to do with the rest of her life.</p>

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<p>Daughter is organized, bossy, creative, funny. Packed and shopped all summer for college.</p>

<p>Son is disorganized, procrastinates, very laid back, also funny. Packed Saturday night for college departure Sunday morning.</p>

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<p>I also have one of each. It's truly amazing how much they fit EXACTLY the "stereotypes" listed above....D is oldest--driven, organized, a "black hole of cash", phenomenal student, more the extrovert. S is introvert, cut from a different cloth, procastinates endlessly, careful about money. As smart as his sister (or more so), just doesn't work as hard. They couldn't be more different.</p>

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<p>These comments make me wonder whether or not this is a birth order issue, to some extent.</p>

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<p>The birth order concept is interesting. My son (first born, oldest) has none of the characteristics one typically associates with a first born child; my daughter, a year behind in school, is a superachiever, taking more challenging courses than my son, all in all more developed intellectually and socially. I could empathize with the mother having issues with her son's GF; that's going to be me in a year or two.</p>

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<p>Another mom with one of each falling into the gender stereotypes. DD is the first born.</p>

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<p>I have 3 and all are different and don't really fit the birth order thing either.
1st born son--laid back B's fine, not competitive, did sports only for fun, non-confrontational, more sensitive, definately not type A personality, very social</p>

<p>2nd born D.--more competitive. More challenging courses in HS than above son but not pushing herself too much. Social. Not concerned with long term goals, lives mostly in the moment.</p>

<p>3rd born Son---highly competitive in academics, sports, life in general. Must win every argument. Social. Demanding of himself and others. Feels stress acutely (other children don't know meaning of word). Seems to always take the most difficult path because most challenging? or to be obstinate?</p>

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<p>My daughter graduated this past May and fits above types exactly. My son starts this weekend- hasn't thought about packing- still hasn't cracked the orientation book and also fits these stereotypes. It's nice to know they're all the same isn't it? Somehow they find their way in spite of the helicoptering.</p>

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<p>Mine reverse the stereotypes, too, to some extent:</p>

<p>D, oldest, is extremely intellectual and analytical, but has always followed her own path. Although she was a reasonable high achiever in school, she never cared to apply herself to courses she found uninteresting and unimportant -- perfectly happy with the B+'s or B's she could get with minimal effort, never even considered taking AP Calculus BC. In the areas that interested her, she worked independently, extensively, tirelessly from about 4th grade on. Lots of time spent with friends; a fair degree of sturm und drang with her parents. About college, she was extremely organized and strategic; she studied things for years and knew exactly what she wanted to do by spring of her junior year (and then did it, and pretty much got the outcome she had taught us to expect). She was fine with shopping for college, but she started packing the night before we had to ship her stuff.</p>

<p>S, two years younger, is much less intellectual than his sister was at his age, but a couple rungs higher on the school success ladder. (D graduated about #30 out of 600, S is currently #5; D barely played the EC leadership game in part because of switching schools, S is president of two significant clubs.) He basically can't bear disappointing anyone, so he works his butt off for A's in everything and reflexively takes the most challenging courses available. He comes across as much less focused than D, though: bright, well-rounded kid vs. future writer/academic. And that's right, because so far he's been more focused on pleasing others than pleasing himself. He spends much less time with friends in person (vs. online) than his sister, but, unlike her, he has had a series of visible romantic relationships. He has practically no conflict with his parents (what's to complain about?). His college research has been completely cribbed off his sister and conventional wisdom. He doesn't mind shopping, either. I don't know when he's going to pack for college, but he packed himself completely for a two-month summer stint away the day before he left. He left his room a mess, though.</p>

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<p>And then there's the timing of the birth order.... My third child was born six years after his older brother and eight years after his older sister. Both older kids have had a great deal of influence on his life, and he's got some big shoes to fill. Oldest brother (while a big procrasitinator) is an Eagle Scout. Older sister is the golden child, good grades, selfless, and feels obligated to give him (and me) advice on everything. Even though he is thirteen, it seems that he's still finding his voice. Maybe now that he's sort of an only child, he'll get a little louder.</p>

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<p>sjmom2329, my thoughts exactly. I have two sons, no daughters, and if you substitute "older" for D and "younger" for S, it works out almost exactly like this:
[quote]
D is an overachiever: passionate, graduated valedictorian, won art awards, very focused and competitive. Older of the two.</p>

<p>S is very comfortable with Bs and Cs and generally seems more comfortable inside his skin. He has a quirky sense of humor and is more gregarious in social situations.

[/quote]
I'm thinking "birth order" as not much different from "gender" in these generalizations.</p>

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<p>5 kiddos here. 3 boys, 2 girls. All about 1 year apart. Birth order, girl, boy,girl, boy, boy</p>

<p>Son #2, driven, valedictorian, team captain(s), will be attending ivy-league school (biggest over-achiever of the bunch)</p>

<p>Daughter #2, more driven, graduating top ten but with a learning disability, team captain 3 sports varsity 4 years, attends a D1 school as an athlete in 2 sports on an academic scholarship, can RUN circles around son #2, but he is much more FOCUSED and ORGANIZED</p>

<p>Daughter #1, graduated with a BS in a science, going to vet school, but not nearly as driven, much more emotional, and absent-minded, uses many lists to stay on top, fab writer, talented muscian, so-so athlete</p>

<p>Son #1, as bright as son #2, not nearly as driven, but extremely methodical, punctal, organized, D1 athlete (was D3 transfered) in a hard science, also a talented muscian but much, much easier-going than younger brother who makes him NUTS! Both football players and yet younger sis (D#2) makes them seem like wimps! </p>

<p>I think their small age gaps blurred the gender and birth order distinctions. That and they constantly used to play like puppies. Still do. If I was to describe them individually it would be hard to determine if they were female/male. I can remember my mom years ago describing daughter #2 as being "all boy!"</p>

<p>Kat</p>

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<p>My S is pretty easy going overall. He'll do anything asked of him without distain. My D will argue 15 minutes on how she doesn't have time to do a 5 minute chore. </p>

<p>S decides to only argue when it's actually important. D likes to argue about everything with both mom and dad. :)</p>

<p>Both Vals and NMS, overall scores nearly exactly the same except flipped flopped 800's. </p>

<p>Both will be heading off to college this year, S starting senior year and applying to med school. D starting freshman year and hoping to go to vet school. </p>

<p>Both are pretty driven people. S driven by others who were pretty rough on him growing up. Channeled anger into the classroom and weightroom and changed alot of perceptions about smart kids and sports at his HS. D was driven to be as good as her B and worked very hard to do so. Sports side her interests were with horses and individual sports rather than team sports. She did not like to compete against others, rather she liked to compete against herself looking for improvement. </p>

<p>They are different and they are the same.</p>

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<p>"She did not like to compete against others, rather she liked to compete against herself looking for improvement."</p>

<p>I also saw this trait in my D.--after exposing her to multiple team sports, what turned her on was equestrian competition. I wonder if there are any studies that show gender preference for team vs individual sports?</p>

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<p>Only sport my D was ever interested in was cross country, focusing on personal best times.</p>