To the OP. It sounds like you are wonderful parents who go the extra mile for your child. Spoiled? Not really if you feel that is how you should parent. I too love my children dearly and will do anything for them. Your willingness to drive 3 hours to pick up your kid each weekend so he can participate in the weekend activity is wonderful and very selfless. You should have comfort that you are doing everything you can to provide your child with the best environment possible for him to thrive.
I see the hometown friend as an opportunist more than a leach (strong word). He is close with your son and since you are so far away feels it is a great opportunity to hitch a ride since you are heading that way anyway. Is the situation totally equitable? No. But the converse of it is that you would deny your son things to achieve the lowest common denominator. Are you no longer going to pack your son nice little snacks he likes because a roommate might take a few? Are you not going to pick up your son because his friend might jump in? In the big scheme of things it really is not huge. An annoying pick yes but not a huge deal.
I say you just continue being such a wonderful parent and not worry about these monetary slights.
I would have my son take a bus or train home. Don’t know what the activity your son is involved with, but there is no way I would give up 12 hours of my weekend every week.
I also never like the idea of someone giving me gas money, especially half of it, when I am driving. No, that’s not an even split of cost, what about cost of insurance, mileage, driving, etc. Cost of gas is the least of total costs. I would rather to have the person drive next time instead of taking the gas money and call it even.
Will this activity continue into the winter? If you are in cold weather/snow area your son might not be able to come home every weekend because of inclement weather.
“My son’s activity is career -related, more like a job.” He is only a freshman. Can he start trying to find the same type of activity/job in his college town? The thought of 12 hours of driving nearly every weekend, for years, by either you or him, sounds exhausting. And I would think he has to be missing lots of college activities by coming home all the time. Is he possibly homesick and wants to hang onto this activity as a means to get home nearly every weekend?
I think an adult asking a kid for gas money seems extremely petty when the adult is making the trip with or without him. I think that the friend would offer gas money if it was your S’s car. In any case, it’s not the gas money that is bothering you.
As freshmen, they are probably still in the mindset that the grownups do stuff for them. That is why your S expects you to undertake 12 hours of driving every weekend, rather than finding an alternative. If I were you, I would encourage S to find another way to make at least one way of the trip. Could he take a bus to or from your town, or a town within a half hour or so where you could pick him up or drop him off?
If not, he should definitely be helping with the driving. And he should be buying his own snacks at school.
The only thing about the constant presence of the other kid on the drive that would bother me is that I would value the opportunity to talk privately with my S that the trip would otherwise afford. But my S was one of those boys who was uncommunicative at that age.
If you give your S a car, who is going to pay for the insurance, maintenance, and gas? And you do realize that the friend will still be riding with him, right? At least, until he finds another GF, LOL.
If affordable, I would provide a car for your son sooner rather than later. Maybe after those first semester grades check out. Otherwise, I like the comment in post #3. “Hey, I’ve been finding the weekly drive tiring and time consuming, is there any chance that you could cover it from time to time? I really would appreciate it.”
And, yes, have your son drive when he’s in the car. Get some rest.
I think I would limit the rides home for the roommate but still offer sometimes. I don’t think there is any ill intent on the part of the roommate or the other family, and I wouldn’t ask them to do something that solely benefits you (since your son is the one who needs to come home).
Maybe you can tell your son that it would be okay to tag along one weekend a month, but not more. It’s just not convenient for you anymore, and you don’t need to have a reason.You can make up running errands, etc., but you are being generous offering even once a month.
I understand those rides being a precious time to talk. That’s why I don’t do car pools (in addition to carpool partners who flake out on me).
His family sounds like moochers. It would be one thing if they were less fortunate but now that you’ve mentioned the other things you are furnishing in the room, I see they are users.
There is no way I would not offer gas money to someone who was driving my kid home every week or maybe provide the dorm extras for the semester or something. It’s just rude!
Wow. I’m surprised with some of these responses. You have committed to driving your son back and forth it cost you next to nothing to bring this other kid. I would never ask him for gas money in the situation.
The other stuff is a different story. There’s not a lot you can do about it but you could tell your son to drop hints to his roommate regarding snacks and such. Or next time you talk to the parents coordinate those types of things.
Or maybe the other family didn’t think the kids needed the furnishings the OP’s family chose to buy, and don’t think that parents need to be buying snacks for the kids, and don’t think their S needs to come home almost every weekend.
The OP is choosing to do all these things. That doesn’t make the other parents moochers.
They are aware that their son is catching a ride EVERY week and have not either offered gas or told their son he should offer. That makes them moochers in my book. Even if the OP declined, they should’ve offered.
We have been in this same position many, many times with different families, including commuting to school 2 hours a day and for one semester 4 hours a day. Families tend to be on one end or the other of the spectrum: givers or takers, regardless of financial means and time commitments. I always thank by email or in person anyone who is taking my child somewhere of that distance. And, we offer the next time or give back in some other way. At minimum, the roommate should be asking your son if he can have a ride, and should thank you every single trip. At minimum, the parents should reach out with a thank you, and express their gratitude in some way that they can. Or the roommate could give back to your son in a multitude of other kind ways. We had one parent who was very stingy with car pooling and rarely drove for two years. We still drove his son every day, because we liked him, and realized his father was a self-centered jerk. I don’t think it matters that you are making the trip anyway after a couple of times. I think you are being very kind and generous. I would want to know if the parents know that you are driving and if they would be willing to help out. Some people are clueless and decent, some are clueless and jerks.
Another thought: Thanksgiving is coming up. Perfect opportunity for your son to reach out to his roommate and ask for a ride both ways from his parents, and say his parents would love the break.
@partyof5 “They are aware that their son is catching a ride EVERY week and have not either offered gas or told their son he should offer. That makes them moochers in my book.”
Remember that we are only get one perspective. What if a parent had written a post such as the following:
My S is a freshman in college three hours away. I’m wanting him to accept some responsibility while integrating himself into college life. He is still involved with his HS girlfriend, but we don’t approve of her and think he would be better off meeting new people and developing a relationship with someone he meets at college. Unfortunately, his roommate (a friend throughout childhood) has a mother who pampers and spoils him. Roommate’s mother keeps the room filled with snacks that aren’t nutritious and, as a result, S isn’t eating well-balanced meals through his meal plan and gaining weight. We’re afraid of the amount of junk food he’s eating and possibly developing diabetes. This mother also buys anything the boys want and expects us to pay half the costs, even when we don’t approve of the smart TV, the three video gaming systems, the 22 throw pillows, and the ceramic pineapple (see another thread for reference). Because this roommate constantly has a TV or gaming system on, S is finding it difficult to study and his grades are slipping. Mom also drives to and from college every weekend to pick up her son so he can spend the weekend at home, and despite the fact that we want our son to stay on campus every weekend, they have been bringing him home as well. Is this normal?
I’m not saying that this is how it is, and I feel for the OP. But, sometimes there is another perspective that we don’t know about.
^^Nothing wrong with this, and a good point. Can OP just ask outright, or you could ask after your son asks for a ride during Thanksgiving, and then ask when you email them to thank them, “Are you okay with your son coming back with us every weekend?”
@tutumom that has nothing to do with my post.
Maybe I’m mistaken, I thought the OP said they were aware he comes home every weekend. If they aren’t then I take back what I said. However if they are, and I have not either offered something in return or forced their son to offer then yes they are takers, moochers insert choice of words.
Forget the other stuff the OP is doing, he gets a free ride round trip 6 hours weekly. She said they aren’t poor. They should offer. They are rude and also haven’t taught their son any manners.
Since this has been bothering the OP and it is a “heck of a drive” (12 hours in the car every weekend), maybe it’s time to consider other options. This is all a little puzzling, as the activity that would cause the freshman son to feel he has to come home from college every weekend has not been identified ( except to say it is “career related, like a job”). Maybe negotiate, tell the person at the activity they are only available once a month, or at breaks, or during the summer when he’s home, etc. Or look for a similar opportunity in the college town. Continuing to do this week in, week out with no break , will probably just increase resentments.
I’m with Tutumom. (thanks for the callback to the pineapple! good one!)
And it might be even deeper- “Our son’s roommate goes home every single weekend, and his parents pick him up and drive him back. So even though we are trying to encourage our son to stay on campus, he points out that his roommate and BFF won’t be there… and seems reluctant to branch out socially. Taking a ride home with the parents seems like the path of least resistance. How do we get our son to break this cycle and stay in his dorm over the weekend? We’ve not even offered to pay for gas or split the driving with these other parents because we don’t want this ride home business to become a “thing” all year”.
On the subject of dorm furnishings- my kids have had roommates whose dorm stuff was nicer than what we have at home (and no way was I offering to pay for half) and roommates of more modest means where splitting the costs of a few necessary items (trash bin, small vacuum cleaner) seemed like the right thing to do. I think absent an actual conversation about who is bringing what and who is paying for what, it is presumptuous to think that someone else is going to “chip in” for the stuff you buy your kid for their dorm room.
And if I was paying for a full meal plan, other than an occasional pizza with the group, buying snacks was DEFINITELY not a priority in my house. A kid wants an energy bar rather than heading to the dining hall- that’s a choice, not a necessity. And that’s what my kids part-time jobs were for- paying for choices, not necessities. I did know kids at my own college back in the dark ages who perhaps ate two meals a week on the meal plan and paid for restaurant, diner, and junk food meals the rest of the week. I could not imagine telling my parents that I was spending money like that.
So while the other family may be affluent- perhaps they aren’t interested in the energy drink/granola bar/cookie/candy fest, since they’d rather their son ate his meals in the dining hall and had an apple for a snack. Just a thought.
I wouldn’t expect a kid to offer an adult gas money. I wouldn’t accept it. This shouldn’t be about money. If the issue is balance, either you or your son brings it up with the friend.
I can think of lots of ways to broach having his parents drive once in a while (or, eg, you pick them up, his parents drive them back. ) But the default is, “My mom/dad needs to talk with me, alone.”
Just speculation, but the activity, “career related, like a job, and he has to do it,” could be something to do with the military (national guard/reserves, ROTC, …) or perhaps it is court-ordered public service, or something… the “he has to do it” part suggests that it is not optional.
I think I would try to finagle a situation where your son has to tell the other kid that for whatever reason, you are unable to give him a ride home that weekend (just that one weekend). “My parents need to talk to me alone about something important” or something like that. And then just see what happens from there. Does the other kid find another way to get home for the weekend? Does the other family breath a sigh of relief that he’s staying on campus for the weekend, or do they reach out and ask why you couldn’t give him a ride? Does the one-weekend off break the cycle, or does the other kid fall back into the routine of coming home every weekend (with you)?
Another alternative might be to arrange for you son to take the car back to school himself, with the idea that it is just for the week… he and his room-mate drive back to school after the weekend, and then at the end of the week, your son is to drive himself home for his weekend activity (with or without the roommate in tow) – the catch would be that the son has to pay for the gas – which might prompt him to ask the room-mate for help with that expense…
But otherwise, as long as you are going to get the son every weekend anyway, I wouldn’t worry about the other kid tagging along – so long as it doesn’t disrupt your schedule and doesn’t make the drive time uncomfortable (due to lack of conversation with your son, or whatever). And I would definitely have the son share in the actual driving, assuming he is a good driver and is well rested, etc… (I trust my own son’s driving well enough that I can fall asleep in the passenger seat.)
