Just saw this by OP: “Oh, his parents are thrilled to have him home.”
Understandable for roommate’s family not wanting to do the drive, but if they are not giving back in some other way AND expressing gratitude, then they are clueless. I still think your son (and maybe you) should ask for the rides over T-Giving (worst time to be on the road), and find out if they are clueless but decent or clueless and jerks. If they don’t respond or make up some excuse (but expect you to bring their son home), then you have your answer. This is the time to say the reason that you can’t take the roommate this time (see @lookingforward above). (BTW, I think the furniture and food donations are irrelevant.) Please let us know how you resolve this!
The OP actually said the activity was “more like a job” and that he " needs to do it" so that could be open to interpretation. We just don’t know .If it IS military or community service related, perhaps look into whether or not the requirements can be transferred to where the college is located. If it is sports, business related, etc. , there may be similar options at the college worth looking into. Hopefully, the family is not looking at almost weekly trips home for four years, from 3 hours away.
That is what I can’t fathom either. If a college age kid absolutely feels they need to be home every weekend, why go to a school three hours away? Why no limits from the parents about this? I think the lack of information here from a new poster is just confusing, and leading to all of us just having to guess at what is really going on here.
When we started out, both sets of parents agreed everything would be split. They are both very busy in their careers and were simply not stepping up with move-in deadlines looming. I think the mom was feeling super overwhelmed. When we took care of things, they expressed extreme gratitude. I look at it this way, when the boys go their separate ways, S will have some great stuff to take with him to an apartment.
As for the weekend activity, it is vital to launching his career, it will go on through the winter, all 4 years of college. I can’t go into it, it’s too specific and I don’t know who reads these forums.
I’ve decided to suck-it-up-buttercup and keep focused on why we’re willing to do this crazy driving right now. At least my husband is splitting it up with me, and letting S do some driving helps. The big picture is what really matters. But I appreciate the input here. Thanks for helping me view it differently!
To be clear, the parents were very happy with the items we got for their room – nice drawers for snacks storage, fridge, microwave, that kind of thing. The boys have no TV, no video games, no decorative items. We parents created a spreadsheet together of which items would be personal and which would be split. Together we agreed on what items they really needed and what items they could do without. I let his mom have as much input as possible, she even picked out a room color because the boys didn’t care. The split items have not been paid for. At this point, I accept that they are not going to be. So that’s fine, they’ll go to my son’s apartment someday.
His parents know we’re driving, in fact, they’ve asked a few times themselves if he could come home with us. Sometimes his mother has me take stuff up to college to give to him.
There have been a couple of weekends when the roommate did not come home.
They also love his girlfriend.
Both boys enjoy healthy snacks as much as junk food, it’s pretty balanced. Neither is overweight, they’re both thin. His parents don’t have a problem with the snacking.
The roommate has lots of friends on campus, including some of his favorite cousins. He went to three Halloween parties while my son had to rehearse, lol.
As for the weekend activity, no, it is not military, it is not community service. He had to audition, it was incredible to make it into this activity. This is what he is going to do for the rest of his life.
So again, my resolution on this is I’m going to continue doing what I’m doing because it’s helping my son. Period. We’re very happy with how he is flourishing and maturing right now, growing in all the ways he needed to grow. He’s kind, smart, and working hard. Why am I even on this board complaining?
The college he’s attending has an incredible program for what he plans to pursue. The activity here locally is part of it, too. I’m sorry if that’s confusing, and I wish I could go into it, but on a public forum, I simply can’t.
I should probably delete this thread, it’s causing more confusion than anything, lol.
Thanks for your patience with a new poster.
@booksenkatz We have so many “My roommate is a nightmare stories” on here. In general, it sounds like your son is having a great experience and rooming with someone he likes. If he ever got sick or needed someone, sounds like his roommate is someone he could turn to. I’d let it go. Though the other family should contribute at least snacks in an ideal world.
The driving is tough and some feel that the friend is taking advantage… but… my husband and I would be doing exactly what you are doing. As I mentioned earlier… you are helping out a good friend.
It’s not hard to guess what this activity could be. But that’s not the crux here. If you mind driving the friend, I’m afraid you’ll need to deal with that.
There seem only 3 choices- continue, with good will, find a way to limit, or cut it off. I don’t suggest anything radical. You can ask the other parents to drive at major breaks, but in between, if their kid is coming home because you’re there and willing, it’s not something they’d ordinarily schedule. It’s your need.
Sure, they could contribute more snacks. But maybe that’s not a priority to them. Many parents aren’t frequently replenishing. They do it on parents weekend or after Thanksgiving or December breaks. We did the Wal-Mart run then.
I am going to put it out there…I know OP’s son is only a freshman and first time away from home, but he and the roommate can replenish their own snacks and split the cost. There is no need for OP to do that. It may simply mean getting on Amazon to order those snacks. This way it would be easier for the boys to split the cost.
One thing OP’s son may want to consider is to put a post to see if there are other students who may be interested in sharing the drive/ride so OP wouldn’t need to do it every weekend.
Maybe you just needed to talk to someone to be able to focus on the positive.
Your son and roommate are lucky to have you!
I know you said this activity is vital to his career. But please tell your son that if it gets to be too much to do this every weekend, in addition to everything he does at college, to tell you.
I agree with others, maybe the other parents would be willing to do the driving for the school breaks. It wouldn’t hurt to ask.
There is nothing wrong with sending a reminder to the parents about the money they still owe you. They just might need a reminder if their lives are so hectic.
^How are they going to split the items at the end of the year? Usually one person will buy a frig if anyone does. This sounds very fussy to me. We just bought the best meal plan for our guy, purchased bedding and bath supplies and then called it a day. No furniture, no color schemes, no frig or micro. He could grab an apple at the cafeteria for later if need be. Why is there so much stuff? Let them purchase their own granola bars if need be and take the bus.
It seems to me that the biggest burdens here are the ones that the OP says are essential, the job and the college, which, she says, they would have chosen and are going to stick with regardless of the friend and his family (and anyone else). So the 12-hour drive every weekend this year (and 6 hours every weekend for the rest of college once the son has a car) aren’t the responsibility of the other boy or his family. The room furnishings and snacks, while less essential, still seem to be things the OP would have sprung for regardless of the roommate. The boys might not room together in later years, but OP will need to decide what she and her H want to keep doing for their son.
This encroaches on visiting with your son on a one on one basis. I had a similar situation. I am a stay at home mom and always drove my kids to school. There was another mom in the neighborhood who worked from home part-time. She asked if I could transport her daughter every day to and from school. They hated the bus service which was always late. At first I said, “Yes.” because it caught me off guard. I called her back a day later and explained that I enjoy chatting with my kids about personal things to and from school, going over spelling words, talking about how to handle a bully, and one of my children has special needs, etc. Or sometimes we run errands after school, get ice cream, etc .and this is special time with my kids. I told the mom that I felt like it would impede on important time with my kids and nothing against her daughter. Well, she was so angry, that she unfriended me on facebook. I would drive by her and the mother standing at the bus stop somedays. We only lived 8 minutes from school and this mother could have driven her daughter. I think I would occasionally take this young man home, but put my foot down about every time.
