<p>Here's my essay, I even included the prompt...I would appreciate it if you gave me some feedback. Thanks a ton.</p>
<p>*Students at Notre Dame are passionate! Their passion gives direction and definition to campus academic, community, and spiritual life. Recognizing that you have already provided us with a list of your extracurricular activities, please briefly describe your greatest passion and tell us how it defines and directs you.</p>
<pre><code> It is not entirely easy for me to define my singular passion in life, because my personality is really just a hodgepodge of all my passions. However, I believe I can limit them to the two that stand out in my mind, the ones that drove me to apply to Notre Dame.
The first of these passions is music. Music is something that I spend a great deal of time on and definitely something that I plan to pursue in college. My brothers piano teacher actually suggested that I check out Notre Dame a few years ago. After exploring the band website, as well as the Notre Dame Saxes website, I fell in love with ND. During a campus visit, I walked into the band building, and the people inside gave my family a tour, as well as a DVD of the Band of the Fighting Irish in action. There is a point in the DVD when the band is playing Livin On a Prayer and the student section is singing along. It probably sounds foolish, but it is at this point that I begin to tear up. Why? Maybe its the camaraderie, maybe theres a certain note in the song that affects my sinuses, but I think its because a band like that is one that I would love to be a member of. Then, of course, because I play the alto saxophone, the Collegiate Jazz Festival is a dream come true. Whether Im playing, or just listening, jazz and swing are my favorite genres of music. Music has given me an extended family, which is something that can come in handy. Music has also given me the confidence to stand alone, when I must, as well as the ability to cooperate with others.
My other passion is NASA. The National Aeronautics and Space Administration is an organization that has given me a reason to keep taking hard classes and challenge myself. When I was in elementary school, a series of framed pictures were in the main hallway of the school, one of Christa McAuliffe, one of the crew of STS-51 and one of a successful Space Shuttle Challenger launch. Though Challenger and the crew in those photos have passed on, their legacy lives on in the proposed Crew Exploration Vehicle. I believe it is because of them, though indirectly, that I plan to major in engineering. Since my first experience at NASA-sponsored workshops in elementary school, I have had the opportunity of shadowing two engineers at NASA Glenn Research Center, each working on different projects and each making me more certain that engineering is a career I want to pursue. Notre Dame has everything a budding engineer could want academically and having a good faith base would undoubtedly be a major asset, especially around finals time.
If ever there was a better way to fuse my two passions, I would love to attempt it. Until then, Ill settle for being a saxophone playing rocket scientist.
</code></pre>
<p>I like the examples, but your intro is so so. I think it is unnecessary to say that you can't define a singular passion, and the sentence "this is why I plan on applying to Notre Dame" is rather redundant. Otherwise, why would you be writing the essay?</p>
<p>i agree. Use more description, and more .passion. in your essay.To me it seems a bit boring and i didnt want to finish it. put more of YOU in it by showing that you want to dot hat and thats your passion, instead of saying it outright. Good luck with everything though!</p>
<p>I am struggling with this a bit as I want to be helpful and not critical. I would consider focusing on one of the two as your passion and maybe how the one might enhance the other. You want to let ND know why/how you are a good fit for them and they are a good fit for you. Have you English teacher review the grammar. Your opening statement said your passions drove you to aply to ND I could get it in the music section but not in the NASA section. I hope I have helped with my response not frustrating you . Good luck in your writing</p>
<p>I like Kr123's idea- you should try and focus on one of the two as your passion and maybe tie in the other one if you can. Right now there is a an abupt shift between your paragraphs.</p>
<p>oh boy, I thought I was doing well...I actually am a pretty boring person in a lot of respects, so maybe my writing reflects that. I can't cut one or the other out...I mean, they really are my two passions, but it's almost impossible to go into depth without going over the word limit. I suppose I could talk about when I emailed the engineering dept. and got a response from one of the professors telling me about the research they do with NASA and how excited I was when I found out...I don't know...btw, I had both my AP history/model un teacher and my old english teacher read them and they only made minor corrections/suggestions, so perhaps I will have another English teacher read it</p>
<p>This reads a little bit like a statement rather than an essay of passion...
Maybe write about an experience in one of these passions keeping away from mentioning ND...</p>
<p>Also, I think the body of the paragraph shows that you really care about the passion, but you could enhance that by adding some real dialouge -- which shows more human interaction, and adds some flavor to the essay.</p>
<p>First 2 sentences should be deleted immediately. How many other people do you see saying- "well, i have many interests, but..." Um yeah ok, i watch tv, surf web, play football every now and then, listen to ipod, go fishing once in blue moon, member of chess and rainbow club... yeah everybody is involved in random shlt obviously u got to pick the most important 1 (or maybe 2 if you make it good). Everybody is gonna be kissin ND @ss too, you prob. gonna end up doin it, but try to make it sound as sincere as possible.</p>
<p>This is how you write an interesting paper. 1. emotion- imagine someone just walked up to your chair, turned around, farted, snorted to himself, then walked away- how *<strong><em>ed would you be? Now try to make reader feel how *</em></strong>ed you were. Note dont say: i was angry... Number 2: dont say IIIIII, I did this, i felt this, I love u irish, I lika da foosball... It gets boring and dry try to mix it up. now go</p>
<p>Actually, smarterturtle, I think you have the guts of an excellent essay, with a little tweaking. The fact that your passions are twofold, to me, is a plus. You strike me as someone technical, and yet artistic as well. That is an excellent combination. I am in awe of people who have the academic drive and dedication it takes to excel in science and engineering--we need them in our society! I am even more impressed by those who have the left brain stuff, but are still articulate and have an added dimension to them. I would embrace it if I were you!</p>
<p>If I were you, I'd keep the two halves you have, and try to rewrite them with a little more passion to them. When the number of words count, best thing to do is go through and see which sentences and thoughts can go, without sacrificing from your bigger meaning. Do the same with the second half. Now, you have gotten rid of the chaff, and can focus on expounding on your central themes. Don't worry about wasting any words on the transition between the two passions, either. If you are direct in your points, it won't matter.</p>
<p>You are a technical mind with a passion for music--what a wonderful combination!</p>
<p>By the way, smartturtle, I am not a teacher, but I am a professional writer. The essay is not about stylistics or impressive vocabulary. It's not a writing contest. It is a way to convey an aspect of yourself that the numbers just don't show. You are very real in yours, which I think is great. Tweak it and they'll be impressed.</p>
<p>Out of curiosity, what did the you current/former ND students write about? I don't plan to change a whole lot of mine, because I feel I shouldn't write about how great ND is, they know that already. I do plan to make a note of ND being my first choice in the "Final Note" section, but I always thought the essay was meant to showcase your personality (the stuff not in your stats) rather than how desperate you are to get in...thanks for the feedback:)</p>
<p>I don't think you need to tell a story necessarily. I think you have a good basis from the point you are now. Just go back and cut it to the bone of everything that seems a tangent, then elaborate on those essential points that remain.</p>
<p>Although I wrote quite a bit of narrative fiction and all other genres, even way back then (and 1980, I have been told by my kids, is way back when), I didn't approach my essay as if it were a writing competition. Instead, I related what made me tick, as you have done in your essay. Some people can best convey themselves through a story, but I don't think that is at all necessary. </p>
<p>One big thing is we didn't have the web back then, so we didn't have all this wealth of opinion online about what to do. </p>
<p>I can only imagine what these people on the committee must wade through in the course of an admissions season! Best bet is an old Shakespearean adage, "to thine own self be true." If it is genuine, it is true, it conveys who you are in a way your stats can't, you've done well.</p>
<p>Don't let people get you paranoid, smarterrturtle--you are on the right track!</p>
<p>Actually, I recall my essay being along the lines of "to whom much is given, much is expected", and how I realized my gifts to be precisely that--gifts. Given for a reason. That I didn't see how anybody could view a list of accomplishments and talents as something to be arrogant about; instead, it represents a challenge. I wanted to be in a place where I could be challenged to the best use of my God-given potential, whatever that might be.</p>
<p>It had typos and strikeovers. My guidance counselor pitched a fit over that and even called my parents, demanding I re-type it for submission (no PC's or online apps in those days.) I told her that any school which would choose to reject me on the basis of my typewriting skills as opposed to what I have to say is no place I would want to be....</p>
<p>I got in, by the way. Typos and strikeovers and all. Notre Dame Scholar to boot. No one read my essay, no one proofed my essay. I just wrote from the heart. And it worked.</p>
<p>It will for you, too. All of you. Trust your instincts...</p>
<p>eh, I like some of your ideas, but I'm not gonna lie...a lot of the material is really cliche. At a selective school like ND, where a lot of really bright and talented students like you will be applying, you're gonna find that a lot of people will probably have written similar essays..."my passion is...music." Think about all the people that will be applying who want to be in the Notre Dame Band! You're going to have to stand out above all of them...so try to model the runner's essay (included in a different thread)...she really did an excellent job of portraying her passion but did it in a really creative and enjoyable manner...I'm sure you can do the same. Good Luck :)</p>
<p>Again, I don't think admissions is looking at things the way some of you think they are. I honestly don't believe they are accumulating style points and looking for the next Thomas Wolff. The essay is 500 words to give them a sense of who you are beyond the numbers. I'm not saying that a student shouldn't edit, rewrite, tighten up the piece, etc. What I'm saying is that there seems to be a mindset on the web--not just this site--that admissions counselors are looking for narrative memoirs with rhetorical flourish. I can't get in their heads, but if I were reading literally thousands of essays, authenticity would strike me like an oasis in the dessert. </p>
<p>It's the same thing your parents tell you all through school, especially those middle school and high school years. Be yourself. </p>
<p>I remember long ago, as a Domer, how freaked out people used to get before tests. They would literally sit in the hallway, outside the lecture room door, and begin to obsess aloud about how much they'd studied, what sections they'd studied, what sections they should have studied--to the point where even the most confident student was a paranoid mess by the time he or she walked through the doors. I learned quickly that the absolute LAST place I wanted to be before a test was hanging out in the hallway. I'd hang outside the building instead, and walk in literally at the last minute--bypassing anxiety row. I did just as well as I would have done otherwise, with a lot less anxiety...</p>
<p>Ok, now that I've gotten plenty of "constructive criticism," are there any good points to my essay? Anything that is going to make an admissions person interested?(ddjones07, thanks for staying positive)</p>
<p>i think your major lines in the story are great. if thoseare your passions, then go with them, just try and show it differently. Doesnt have to be narrative or a certain "type of writing" but we able to show that its your passion without bluntly saying it. Also, try and avoid metnioning the school in name at all times in your essay. they state that many timse i their tips, leave that to the extra notes section. Just be yourself, it is possible. Just the next time your doing something that you consider your passio, try and look at it from all different angles, try and look deeper than the obvious and just think constantly "How can i put THIS into words on a paper?" Im praying for you, really. I hate personal essay and anything that has to do with "looking inside myself", haha. good luck on everything and hopefully they'll like both of our essays.</p>