Hi All,
DS is a sophomore and has learning disabilities. His school has a very strong LD Resource Center, and my son works extremely hard for his grades. He moved up from basic classes freshman year to honors classes this year and ended freshman year with a 3.8 uw.
Last year, he played football and then rowed. He seemed to enjoy both at the time. He would often be studying until 1 or 2 am to get his work done, and he is up at 5:45 in the morning. Spring rowing season was great in the beginning, but when the regattas began and he was losing weekends to travel and rowing he showed signs of being overwhelmed and stressed out. Long story short, he announced he was not going to participate in any school related extracurriculars this year, and wanted to focus on doing his best academically. He truly works exceptionally hard at school to maintain his grades and i’m very proud of him. While he tests ‘gifted’, and has accommodations, he has the same work load and deadlines as everyone else, and the work takes him much longer. He stays at school every day until the library closes, then he comes home, eats dinner and continues to work.
I’m really struggling with his decision to not participate in extracurriculars. Admittedly, i’m concerned regarding his future college applications, but more importantly i’m concerned about him making friends, being part of the school, developing interests, exercising, and feeling like he has more going on than just school. I have called the school counselor to discuss, and despite a reminder call that i’m waiting to hear from her, it has been three weeks since I called.
If you have patiently read all this I am very appreciative. What are your thoughts on lack of extracurriculars when kids have LD’s that require much more time on their academics to be successful? My gut instinct is that he needs to be involved in some way every year, even if he is not involved each semester. This will not only help him build friendships and relationships with teachers, but balance his life.
Thoughts on managing the school counselor? I would like to rule out any issues with school itself or depression before insisting that he participate.
I agree that sleep and doing his best academically are the most important things. My S was similar – he had learning issues and had to work harder/longer than many of his classmates to do well (FWIW he is now done with college, grad school and is a happy and successful young adult).
Anyway… my S sought out activities that interested him and that had what he felt were do-able time commitments. I might suggest that your son look for a couple of things that won’t eat into his time as often as sports, but that he can enjoy and feel good about (perhaps a club sport, community service work etc.). I’m not a believer in doing ECs for the sole purpose of crafting a college application, but I do think for my S it was great that he found activities that fit into his life well, that he enjoyed and felt good about doing, and that helped him to grow as a person. In retrospect was healthy for him to have this manageable level of EC involvement in the school and the community.
And maybe remind the counselor again after the ED/EA applications are due. He/she might be consumed with the current crop of senior applications that must be processed quickly.
Agree with Happy1. Have him join a gym, or do something physical that doesn’t consume the weekends. The football season is short and rarely consumes entire weekends…perhaps he’ll want to stick with that but give up rowing if it consumes a bunch of weekends. I think track is in the spring…rarely consumes a bunch of weekends. Don’t look at it from a college app position, look at it from what’s healthy…
My daughter had a teammate whose parents restricted his sports because his grades weren’t very good. I told them I thought that was a big mistake because he needed the physical outlet. After one year, they conceded I was right (and were tired of son crying about it). They came up with a plan where the sports were more limited but still let him do his favorite, hockey, and drop some of the other things (basketball). They watched his free time more, such as videos, and made sure he was getting his homework done. He had some learning disabilities too, and things took longer, but her really needed his hockey.
OP, your son may need to be told he doesn’t have to have all A’s, that having a well rounded life is important too. Rowing might take too much time, but maybe there is something else he would enjoy, although rowing might help him get into college just as much as that A in history .
OP, if you have a relationship with a psychologist, perhaps the one who has worked with your son on the LDs and has helped developed the strategies, your son might benefit from a discussion with him/her. It could be that the strategies that he’s using are less effective with a heavier workload. It could be that he’s really having to push himself to do it (even though he hates it) and it’s exhausting.
But more important, he should talk with someone he trusts about what matters to him. If he has to work so hard in honors courses, might a mix of honors and non-honors make sense? Why does he feel he needs to achieve at that level? Does he love to row? Love his teammates? How can he preserve that? Would a summer intensive rowing program and something less intense during the year make him happy?
I guess what I’m saying is that someone should help him discern what really matters to him and how to use his time to reflect that. I would worry less about college – if he stays true to himself, he’ll have the right options available for who he is.
I worked with LD students, and did work secondary school at one point. For some…those ECs were what motivated them to come to school. They loved them…and the ECs were important to these students.
Without them, all they would have had was the very hard work of academics…and it was work.
I would not vote for eliminating his school based ECs. Like I said…he needs a balance.
There will be a college for him to attend even without all honors classes, and all A’S. But you want a happy kid too. And the ECs might be what brings him happiness.
I don’t know what LD your son has, but my dyslexic worked super hard…at everything…especially classroom “stuff”. The first thing he would want to give up on was a sport because he just so much wanted to get good grades and it took him twice as long if not three times as long as the “other kids” to get the reading done, write the paper, etc., but doing something physical was the one thing he needed - the mental break of the long day. Now that he is in college whenever he mentions that he’s tired, exhausted, spent days and nights on end at the library I ask him when the last time he got to the gym…typically he hadn’t gone for to the gym for days or weeks and I would tell him to schedule that hour just like he scheduled going to the library. He usually would call me in a day or two and say “you are right.”
I would let him try this year according to his announcement. If he focuses on academics, he can then slowly fill up whatever time he has with activities of his choice. He may be wise to get off the sports conveyor belt, so to speak. One of my kids did that and then the last two years of high school he thrived in a totally different area.
Exploration of interests during high school is really healthy and I think that sometimes the time commitment of sports prevents that.
I would let him lead but make it clear that if there is anything else he wants to try, you would support it.
(I once had an errand at a local tv station and asked if my son could have a tour , knowing it would interest him. He ended up volunteering there for three years. Sometimes unexpected interests crop up and it is like surfing: catch the wave at the right time.)
There are no doubt other activities in and out of school for him to get involved in but for now, as I said, I would let him get it down to baseline so to speak.
Thanks everyone for your feedback. Your perspective is helpful.
thumper1 et al- you hit the nail on the head with the sleep as a priority. This is the primary reason he said he felt so stressed last spring. He does seem calmer and happier now.
I have encouraged him to find any way to be involved. It does not have to be sports. He claims there are no clubs he is interested in joining. He applied for the Nat’l Honor Society at my encouragement but he doesn’t think many sophomores are accepted. Additionally, he says he’s not sure he wants to take on the added community service and tutoring hours required to be in this group.
Gardenstategal, thank you for the suggestion to discuss with a psychologist. (He was diagnosed by a neuropsych.). That is one of the reasons i’ve been trying to connect with his school counselor. I am concerned there could be more to his lack of interest in activities at school beyond wanting to focus on his grades.
The real downside to his choice is that he isn’t building relationships with other kids at school. He hasn’t really found his people at this school yet and over the summer he said he didn’t really fit into any group. I fear that distancing himself from activities will only increase these feelings for him. I would rather his grades suffer a bit, but he have an activity that brings him joy or friends or exercise …… or something beyond just schooling.
The school counselor DS is assigned to is not a college counselor. I am going to follow-up again tomorrow and if I don’t hear back I think it is time to contact one of the other counselors.
It was helpful to hear that some of your kiddos with LD’s had difficulty juggling extracurriculars and academics. It’s kind of heartbreaking. I feel like he is missing out on the parts that make high school fun.
Our kids did not have LD issues. But we did have. House rule…each kid had to do one sport per year…not per season…per year. And it was their choice. And we asked that they do music…either instrumental or vocal.
These things actually took the edge off for both of them…and gave them a solid peer group.
What about activities and interests outside of school? All three of my kids lived the most important parts of their teenage lives outside of school, including my youngest who has an LD. I know transportation can sometimes be a problem, but we found that in-school activities were pretty limited, at least in our school.