Speaking of denial and grace. My Dad was declining and in what turned out to be his last weeks. He was jaundiced. I kept Bro/SIL informed. I spoke to her about two weeks before he died and strongly encouraged a visit, said, if it were me, I would come now.
They did not. But they came up a few days after he died. Walking through the door she said something like, “I know you. would have told us to come sooner if you had known.”
Thankfully, after that earlier call I vented to my sister that I could not believe they were not coming. At least someone knewI tried. I. said it several different ways, but I guess not the right way.
I’m sorry when family members or loved ones don’t understand when they’re told to come asap and come after the person has died. People sometimes hear what they want to hear.
Often there’s some denial and always other “urgent” things that pop up. They say they didn’t realize and maybe they didn’t but want to place the “blame” anywhere but in themselves.
When my SisIL was doing poorly with a cancer recurrence, we spoke with her cousin who was helping get her to and from appointments and other things. He suggested we get there sooner rather than later, so we moved up our trip to visit her by a month of more and we all flew in to spend a long weekend with her, from multiple different cities.
It was a nice time that we all spent together. One of the things I did was organize her banker’s box of all her statements and make a spreadsheet of all her assets and accounts. We also asked her if she wanted to work with an estate attorney, who could come to her house and save her brothers at least $200,000+. She was very interested so we made it happen. She also assigned ownership of her car to our S, who had been shopping for a car.
We were able to help provide her with her fav foods and watch Finding Nemo with her, which was same video she had given our kids.
She died right after we had all flew. back to our respective cities. We were sad but relieved her pain had finally ended and she chose how and when to go (sublingual morphine).
This is hard on so many fronts. My dad wanted his relationships and life to be as normal as possible and downplayed how ill he was. He didn’t want conversations about cancer and death and meaning, he wanted to be doing the ridiculous and mundane things that a person living a normal life does. I, naively, fell for it until the very end. (As he hoped I would.) His wife, no doubt, who was caring for him was not fooled. In retrospect, I wonder if she felt she was enforcing his wishes or if we were dolts for not reading between the lines sooner.
Sometimes it is denial. Sometimes it’s life as usual and ignorance. And sometimes it’s buying into someone else’s choices – seeing someone as they want us to see them, even if it’s a fiction. It’s hard because those left behind are the ones who regret unfinished business, goodbyes not said, etc. and those things just compound the grief of loss.
It’s a lot to ask of caregivers to have them also orchestrate this part with all they are handling day to day – to say nothing of their own grief. Personally, I could have done better on this front almost every time, having always been a step behind our reality and running to catch up just in time. Grace and peace to all in this situation. @snowball seems a model of this.
That’s great you were able to gather with family for a nice goodbye. I also applaud you for volunteering to help on the paperwork logistics - it would be tough for a caretaker to have the bandwidth to handle that too.
Fortunately, for some reason it wasn’t that tough. I just used H’s surface and got going on the banker’s box and plowed through it methodically. It really made things easier for the patient and attorney. It was done in a day—literally. I just wanted to be useful and doing something and knew it was something she always mentioned to us, “getting her affairs in order.” We were trying to carry out her wishes.
So very, very sorry to hear the news. Prayers that all was as peaceful as possible for your dear husband, and that beautiful memories will comfort you in this difficult time.
You will all be in my prayers.
So very sorry. I know that your husband must have been an exceptional person. I hope you can draw on your memories and that of others to give you peace.
So, so sorry for you and your family
May your lifetime of memories sustain you in the days and months to come.
You have shown much grace and dignity in caring for your husband; now do the same for yourself.
(((Hugs)))
I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your husband. You have shown such incredible strength caring for him and you family throughout this ordeal. Please take the time to do the same for yourself.
